Chapter 17: Schaden the Great and Annoying (Part 2)
“TWILIGHT SPARKLE!” Trixie roars at the front door. After hearing that I also worked for the Princess, Trixie had stormed off straight for the castle. I tagged along because there was no way I was going to miss this.
There’s a silence as Trixie’s outburst is met with no response. “TWILIGHT!” she yells again. “YOU GET YOUR FLANK OUT HERE RIG-”
WHAM. A smaller door set in the giant crystal door smacks Trixie in the muzzle as Rainbow Dash throws it open. “Whaddya want, Trixie?!”
The showmare stumbles around, trying to regain her bearings with a comically dizzy expression on her face. Shaking her head and straightening herself out, she charges right past Rainbow Dash, barking after her apparent rival the whole time.
I just shrug at Dash, and walk into the castle. I mean, I kind of live here for now, anyway, so eh.
I find Trixie staring dumbfounded ad the dining room, which is wonderfully decorated, as Twilight sits around the table with all of her friends, being waited on by the rest of the staff. The magician’s jaw is almost to the floor as she witnesses the spectacle of efficiency that is the royal treatment. “I… whuh… bwuh?” She stutters.
Twilight grins sheepishly as a blush creeps across her cheeks. “Um, hi Trixie. I… well, I admit it is a bit much, but apparently it’s my royal duty to offer employment opportunities in my castle, so… now I have maids? And cooks? And a butler,” she adds with a sense of distaste, giving me a casual level of side-eye.
Please. Try harder. I barely felt that.
Trixie looks to me, aghast. “You’re a butler? A royal butler?! HOW?!”
I shrug. “A combination of being a continuous pain in the ass to all the right ponies, being an almost perfect counter to Prince Blueblood’s absolute dicketry, and, to be honest, a lot of rather uncouth begging.”
“Blueblood?! You work in the Royal Palace in Canterlot?!” She shrieks, almost blowing out an eardrum.
Twilight groans. “Yes. He’s here on loan while I gather some more permanent waitstaff. Believe me, he’s going home as soon as I can get him there.”
“Wha-ba-how?! HOW IS THIS FAIR?! Trixie spends her whole life traveling around and entertaining all kinds of ponies! Why did none of them ever offer Trixie a royal job?!” she whines.
Twilight’s eyes narrow. “Maybe because you are -were, I’m sorry- even more annoying and a bigger danger to the public than he is?”
Trixie scoffed. “How is that possi-”
“Ursa minor,” Twilight interjects. “Alicorn Amulet. The Cutie Map incident. Should I go one?” she drawls, unamused.
Trixie stops, mid-word, her mouth hanging open. She slowly closes it, and looks at her own hooves. After a moment, she seems to gain a second wind, and points an accusing hoof at me. “But he’s, he’s him! An unapologetic disaster who coasts through life on a whim and never pays for anything!”
I raise an eyebrow. “Excuse me? I pay for plenty. Do you have any idea how many nights I’ve spent in the dungeon? How many places I’m not even allowed near in Canterlot? How many businesses refuse to serve me on basic principle? Ponies I’ve never met kick me out of their shops because I might do something to annoy them. I can list how many genuine crimes I’ve committed on a post-it note. Some guards just throw me in the dungeon preemptively. And on the other side I can count the number of genuine friends that I have. So yes, please explain to me how somepony who tried to enslave a town and set a magical beast the size of a three-story building loose on the populace, who’s never set hoof in a dungeon for any of that, gets to complain about me walking through life unscathed?”
Her hooves once again become the most interesting thing in the room. “Well, the Ursa Minor wasn’t my fault...”
I look to Twilight, who shrugs with a look that says “She’s not wrong.”
I roll my eyes and sigh. “Ok, I’m sorry about the Ursa thing. But still, you have to admit there’s a little bit of pot calling the kettle black going on here.”
Trixie looks up at me apologetically. “Well, ok. Trixie is sorry.”
I smile and nod. “And I’m sorry about replacing all your fireworks with silly string launchers. And lining the bottom of your trapdoor room with honey and feathers. And the itching powder in your cape. And-”
“OK, TRIXIE GETS IT.”
Rainbow Dash interrupts with a loud, poorly suppressed laugh. “Did you really do all that?”
“Yeah, of course I did. Trixie used to do the Canterlot circuit all the time before the nobles discovered they didn’t like having somepony more stuck up than they were rolling around in a wooden cart with explosives attached to it. Yes, Trixie, fireworks are explosives, it’s called gunpowder. So of course I caught wind of it. And how could I not screw with someone so self-absorbed? You’ve met my boss, right?!”
Twilight gives me an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, Schaden. I didn’t realize life was so hard for you.”
I pause, then burst out laughing. “Hard?! Please! My life is awesome! I work in a castle and my job is annoying the biggest prick on the planet! How is any of that hard?”
The princess looks taken aback. “But… I thought-”
“Pffft,” I waive a hoof dismissively. “Nah, I’m fine. I’m just like, the best at guilt trips.”
I notice movement out of the corner of my eye just in time to throw my hooves up as Trixie dives at me, teeth bared. “NOT THE FACE!”
As Trixie took out what felt like a lifetime of frustrations on any place her hooves could reach, Twilight simply looked off into space, and deadpanned, “No. Trixie, stop. That’s my butler. Oh No. Stop. Not the tail. No.”
Ah, a genuine moment of Schadenfreude, visited on Schadenfreude.
I was having a conversation with a man in the comments about this, but I think this chapter sums it up: yes, he's annoying, but is treated way too poorly because of it. Lucky for him, he doesn't give a damn.
There has to be a way for one person to give multiple upvotes to a story...
8428496 Let me know when you find it
Okay, that was just awesome!
Schaden had all the best points, but the basic guiding principle of it was "and I wouldn't have it any other way". He probably takes all those ponies who won't let him in their shops as badges of triumph.
8428420
Solid Justification.. I'm sorry what, we are now justifying one person being a jackass to people because in his mind he can justify things to himself? Because there's quite a bit I would say he basically intentionally does things to people who barely deserve it.
Why am I to be sorry for someone who willingly choses to be an asshole through life and gets the reputation for it?
Heck, the latest chapter has basically proven that.. Yes he's hated.. For doing the things he does willingly to people on a daily basis... Why are we to feel sorry for it? He's basically trying to twist the guilt to make people feel bad for him.
8428495
That last part perfectly sums up the problem. Those things tend to happen off-screen, and he doesn't care anyway. So yeah, he's still immune to any meaningful consequences.
That being said, while I don't condone violence, I would be lying if I said the end with Trixie there wasn't immensely satisfying. Call it guilty pleasure.
Jeeze, you'd think Twilight would remember that Trixie actually saved the lives of those two idiots by stalling the Ursa Minor long enough for them to escape.
I just noticed the title, it's "Schaden the Great and Annoyng"
Missing an "i" there.
8428687
And that she got her home and reputation destroyed over it. While Schaden is right that she never set foot in a dungeon, she also doesn't have a princess unreasonably fond of her assholery protecting her.
8428717 You would think Twilight would have a bit more sympathy for a giant monster rolling into Ponyville and destroying your quirky wooden home while you fight him off.
8428727
Excellent point.
... Does that make Luna and Celestia (and Cadance) that episode's Snips and Snails?
😂🤣
I was laughing so hard I couldn't get enough air and fell over and it wasn't good but then I got a breath and continued laughing.
Everybody gave me funny looks, for some reason.
And at that moment, the Princess of Friendship had finally run out of fucks to give.
And it was good.
8428735 It makes Discord that episode's Snips and Snails, since they both led the monster to Ponyville before needing the hero's help being saved from it.
Derpy: "Hey Schaden, thanks fo-OH MY CELESTIA, ARE YOU OK?"
Schaden: "Ya shoulda seen the other guy....can you please fetch some ice, my everything hurts..."
8428718
So did I make Schaden proud, or did I cross a line?
From henceforth the dungeon will now be known as "Schaeden's Flat"
"At" the dining room?
"on"? ;D
Really enjoying this so far. Lots of fun. =)
8428647
That's the appeal to this fic, isn't it? A perfect mix of quick wit and slapstick.
I would have taught that Schadenfreude would be better at running away, and they could have done a nice chase scene, that acts as exposition piece for the Twiligts castle, with Schadenfreude doing the whole Scooby Doo/Benny hill door thing, and hiding in flower pots, or library shelves.
Still this was pretty great.
Trixie scrunched her muzzle, "Well... LOOK AT STARLIGHT!! She DID enslave an entire town! With mind-altering magic to boot! And she nearly destroyed the world with her illicit time travelling for petty revenge!"
Twilight and Schaden pondered... then turned to Starlight, "That's a good series of points. Why DIDN'T we throw you in the dungeon?"
Starlight's horn lights, "You don' want to throw me in the dungeon."
Trixie, Schaden, and Twilight's eyes go blank as the drone in unison, "We don't want to throw you in the dungeon."
Starlight focuses more intently, "I am not the evil mare you are looking for. That's Sunset Shimmer. You want to beat her up."
The trio of ponies, their wills subsumed by the overwhelming powers of the Ultimate Sue, murmur obediently, "You are awesome, Sunset Shimmer suxx0rz."
Starlight waves them off, "Trot along." They depart, unable to even discern afterward that anything amiss took place.
The diabolical mare turns to the audience, "Did you REALLY think it'd be that easy to change me? I can hack the Cutie Map! The friggin' Deus Ex the Tree of Harmony itself spawned! There's NOTHING I can't do! MUWA HA HA HA HA!!"
And so we see that trusting instant villain reformation is really stupid in real life.
*go on
P e r f e c t .
8448711
Finally, at long last, Schadenfreude gets his very first friendship lesson.
8428641
Because he's upfront and honest about it, meaning that he's not a manipulative jerk (read: sociopath)? He might a bit of a troll, causing minor mischief and dismissible discord, but he's in no way an evil or particularly cruel person. He doesn't cause significant harm, and the worst he does is keep things interesting by shaking up the status quo. So what if he derives some malefic glee from the (at worst) inconveniences he causes people? That's certainly a better alternative to one without standards, who would take pleasure in tearing down the lives of everyone around him (read: pre-reformation Discord).
Can you see where the subtle nuances in asshole can change from endearing to despicable, and how he's careful not to cross that line to the best of his ability? If there is one thing you can't call those in his life, it's "bored", and I think that makes him an admirable character, even if it's an unintentional side-effect.
Should I go on.