Schaden the Great and Annoying
Chapter 16: Schaden the Great and Annoying
“I’m sorry, what?” Twilight asks, obviously unsure if she hear me correctly the first time.
“Date, tomorrow night. I have one,” I explain again. “I was wondering what the plan was for tomorrow so I could get my work done early.”
Twilight’s head seems to be stuck at an angle as she blinks repeatedly at me with a dumbfounded expression. “And, um… who, exactly are you going on a date with?”
“Her name is Derpy, she’s a pegasus in town who-”
“YES I KNOW WHO DERPY IS,” Twilight says quickly, he head snapping back into place. A maid dusting the furniture behind her jumps in surprise. “Schaden, I can’t believe you! Asking out a poor girl like that! What kind of awful idea are you brewing?”
Not much annoys me. It’s one of my few redeemable traits. But now I was annoyed. “You know, Twilight, not everything I do is to annoy or bother somepony. Sometimes I like to actually, you know, have a life. And not that I don’t deserve it a little bit, but didn’t we literally have a conversation about you being suspicious about me not two days ago?”
“I… right. You’re right,” she concedes, taking a deep breath. “Ok, let me try this again. Why did you ask Derpy out?”
A small smile warms my face. “Actually, I didn’t. She asked me.”
Twilight opens her mouth to ask another question, when a voice speaks up from a corner. “Makes sense,” says Starlight, not looking up from her book.
Twilight’s head pivots rapidly to look at her ‘student’. “How does that make sense?!”
There’s the sound of a book closing, and I follow Twilight’s gaze in time to see Starlight walking up to join the conversation. “Because I was talking to Derpy at the end of the party last night, and she was asking me who the ‘cute but weird butler stallion’ was. I told her I wasn’t sure, so she went off to ask a few other maids. Celestia knows what they said about him, but I guess it was all good,” Starlight explained.
That took me by surprise. Most of the waitstaff at the castle wouldn’t waste time badmouthing me. “That’s… interesting. I wonder who she talked to?” I wonder aloud.
“That would be me,” says the red and blue mare who was dusting a moment ago.
I cock my head to the side, mimicking Twilight’s earlier expression. “Say what now? I thought you all loved talking trash about me.”
She flips her hair, a dark blue lock that falls in front of one eye, and smiles a cheerless smile. “Oh, we do. But it’s also kind of a well-known rule that you’re usually on much better behavior when you’ve got a mare in your life. Like that one time you spent a couple of weeks trying to impress Princess Celestia. Quietest two weeks of my life.”
Twilight’s eye twitches as Starlight suppresses a giggle. Poorly. “You tried to hit on the Princess?” Twilight asks, in obvious disbelief.
I cringe at the memory. Not one of my finer moments. “Yes, yes I did. Very badly. We uh, we don’t talk about that. At least Celestia happens to be a very good sport about the whole thing. I believe she said something along the lines of me not being the worst suitor she ever had, but please don’t do it again,” I recall. “So wait, you said a bunch of nice things about me in an attempt to keep me from being an annoying prick?”
The maid nods fervently. “Yes. And please, please don’t screw this up. She seems like a genuinely nice mare. I kind of like her, actually. So like, don’t be a douche.”
The whole room of mares gives me a combination of pleading looks and serious glares. It’s not like I was planning on being a jerk to Derpy, anyways. “Well, fine. Ok. Just as long as you stop using ‘like’ in every other sentence.”
“...deal.”
------------------------------
The rest of the day seems to go by in a blur, as I spend most of the time trying to think of what I should bring on this date. Derpy said she was going to cook dinner, so bringing food would be in poor taste. I think about flowers for a moment, but that might also bee seen as bringing food. I’m not having any luck in this department, so I decide I need something to take my mind off of things.
Namely, the distraction of finding somepony to annoy. Having taken care of the fixings for lunch, and being rushed out of the castle so as not to bother Twilight’s guests, I find myself walking around Ponyville again.
Then a familiar voice echoes through the streets. One I haven’t heard in a rather long time. It’s almost nostalgic. And exactly the distraction I was looking for.
“Come one, come all! COME SEE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE!”
“Dear Celestia, if you can hear this, thank you,” I say to the sky. Following the voice is easy, as it’s soon accompanied by the lights of fireworks and the sound of spinning decorations. The stage soons come into view as I round a street corner, and there’s somewhat of a crowd gathered around the display.
Trixie herself is standing on her hind legs, posing for all to see, before engaging the crowd. I’m surprised to see she isn’t doing her usual ‘Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better’ shtick. Instead, she’s starting with some typical tricks and spells, showing off some mildly impressive talent as she works the crowd. I ease my way between a few ponies, and sit back to watch the show.
It’s one of my easiest, yet cruelest tricks: all I do is sit in one place, and stare at her. Unblinking, only moving my head as she does, I keep the rest of myself as still as possible. To anypony else, it appears that I’m just extremely interested in the performance.
To a performer, it’s like having a statue follow your every move on stage. Bridleway actors especially tend to dislike this.
At first, Trixie doesn’t notice. She’s busy doing her show, interacting with some exciting looking fillies. Then, when she takes off her hat to pull something out of it, she sees me. We make eye contact for a moment, and her stage persona falters, just for a second. I can almost see her knees buckle, but she moves past it, and keeps on with the trick. She obviously recognizes me. She does some rather impressive magic, including a trick with her cape and a bunch of birds that I find genuinely impressive. I should tell her that later, as an apology.
She goes on for a few minutes before the symptoms start to set it. She keeps looking back at me. She gets a bit more grandiose with her tricks, trying to break my expression. But I have much more practice in not showing emotion than she does in eliciting it.
To my surprise, however, she makes it through her entire performance. Which is a stark contrast to our last encounter, in which she actually dove off the stage at me.
As she wraps up, I decide to do her the courtesy of a proper round of applause, like the rest of the crowd. It helps that she seems to have mellowed out as a narcissist since I last met her. She disappears behind her curtain as the crowd parts, and I follow a couple of ponies around to the side to say hi to her face to face.
I stand in line for a moment as she signs some pictures and toy hats, until it’s my turn to say hello. I don’t even get a word out before her smile disappears. “Oh look. It’s you again. What exactly has Trixie done to deserve this, again?” she moans.
“Actually, I just wanted to say I really enjoyed that performance. You’re getting better with the crowd, it seems. I really enjoyed that bit with the birds,” I offer, with a smile.
She relaxes a bit. “Thank you. Trixie doesn’t supposed there’s an apology anywhere in there?”
“Pffft, no.”
Trixie sighs. “Well, you can’t win them all. Now, what exactly are you doing in Ponyville?”
“Oh, I work for Twilight now,” I explain.
She blinks. Then blinks again. “OH COME ON!”
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How is it that you continuously find more and more ways to make. This story better?
There has to be an end somewhere, right?
So... judging by the context of this paragraph, this bit in particular, Derpy is now a stallion. Huh.
He has a point. Yes, he's a dick whose whole bit is annoying other ponies, but he is a pony. He is not that bad, really.
Hah!
You really can't win, can you Trixie?
I think you find that you do. In detail. At length. A play by play review in fact. I'll just come out and say it, turn this into a story, it's too cruel for you to not do so.
8424834
I'm sure that making everyone feel bad about their condescending desire to protect Derpy from him is just a side bonus.
8424834
Because that's really all that is to him. I can't see him not being a dick to Derpy for any other reason than fanservice to the readers, because if he were a dick to her too, they would turn on him instantly. It would be in character for him, but people wouldn't root for him anymore.
That's pretty much it, as far as I can see. He's a shell otherwise.
It's rather frustrating how all the characters who treat him like a pest are instantly reprimanded in some way, while the "good" ones obviously love him. Even Pinkie Pie, who should have strong opinions about being a dick to be hurtful.
8424834 you could debate him being bad especially if you are his target but generally you are right lets say he's not evil just annoying
8424947
On the contrary it provides the opportunity to broaden him beyond just being an utter bastard. Placing him with Derpy is a chance to separate his stated talent of “Happiness at the misfortune of others,” from the malicious infliction of misfortune for his own amusement that we have seen from him thus far.
Best case we get character growth as he tries to build a sound relationship with Derpy while trying to resist the temptation to reduce her to just another means of inflicting chaos upon his targets.
Worst case he gets her into every fancy party and art show within a day's travel while cackling like a madman.
8425079
He could do that with any other pony. Literally. Why is he not a total jerk-wad to Derpy? What's special about her other than half the readers would lynch him for messing with her like he does with everyone else? I doubt he'll ever become more than an utter bastard. I will be thoroughly surprised if it's ever going to be more than him breezing through his life, completely untouchable due to plot armor.
8425110
Now, as much as I agree with the plot armor being a tight fit on him and all, it isn't like we've ONLY seen him do shenanigans. Example being Twi and him pointing out her unjust suspicion, or him following his own rather strict honor code (Albeit with his own flavor in the mix). Honestly, I see the date going as thus: he is a gentlecolt up until a point where he is technically not in a date with her, and uses the chance to annoy her, and fails. At that point, one of two things could happen: he keeps trying to annoy her, date after date, and fails. Whether that leads to a serious relationship out of him is impossible to tell this early, though. Or, they could prove incompatible entirely, and he either continues work in Ponyville or goes back to Canterlot. Either way, the story continues in its own, admittably douche-y way that we all know and love.
If he hurts Derpy, his fault, her fault, no ponies fault. I will find him and roast him over a very slow fire. I have friends who are Apaches and I am not afraid to use them.
To be fair, since I read the first story (I think it was the first where he annoyed young Twilight) I had that idea in mind that maybe, one day, Twilight will get back to the idea of fixing his cutie mark and actually finds a successful spell for it. But this changes SF's behavior drastically to the point where he turns from being a douche who likes to annoy people with little things to that really overly nice guy who wants to help everyone all the time. After a while Twilight finally realizes her mistake and once everything is solved again Schadenfreude will be really pissed about it and swears to poke at Twilight for the rest of his life.
I can't wait to see how the date goes, but I can totally see Schaden stuck answering questions from Dinky and possibly Sparkler as their mom cooks.
8425485
Unjust? It just seemed more like he was twisting the guilt to make her feel bad for rightly pointing that he is in fact, an awful pony.
8427353
This. Why wouldn't you look at everything he does with suspicion when you also know he goes out of his way to be an asshole to ponies just for looking at him, like he did with the maids just the chapter before?
Schadenfreude is an awful, awful person who gets everything handed to him on a silver platter.
8425485
The question remains, why couldn't one outcome be that Derpy finds his conduct distateful and breaks off with him, telling him he's an awful person? Or at least tell him there's a few good things in him but that doesn't outweigh how much he makes everyone around him miserable, except for those who would be both capable and willing to actually fight back?
8427353
In a way that's definitely true, but it still stands that it's been proven time and time again that he'll mind his own business in important matters, and although he'll be an inconvenience, I can't recall one point where he's a total jackass without solid justification. That strong sense of honor should be a good enough leash, that, Twilight should indeed have a tad bit more faith in him.
8428038
Absolutely nothing says that can't happen: as a matter of fact, what I consider that falling under "entirely incompatable." But, I highly doubt this is the path it will go, as Derpy has never been depicted in such a way. If anything, I'd imagine in the situation where she finds out his real self and his favorite passtime, she'll either feel pity for him, most likely ending in a breakup, yes... Or, she'll find the ironic truth: they are almost two sides of the same coin. Both causing damage, but then you have one causing semi-major damage and wishing that she didn't do it all the time, while you also have our lovely Schaude, who causes semi-minor damage and wouldn't trade it for the world. Honestly, as spontaneous as it may be, I can easily see Derpy and Schaude either being together, and tight knit, or them just going their separate ways. We'll have to see.
8424947
He's a dick, yeah. but he's a dick with a code. He doesn't want to hurt people, only annoy the everloving shit out of them. Because derpy is such an innocent character, he couldn't do any of his tricks without actually making her feel bad, so it would be completely against his character to do so. He's made people embarrassed before, but he respects people's boundaries, he was serious when Sunbutt was concerned about Twilight, he was perfectly fine with cleaning up after the party, and now he went and put Trixie at ease, and complemented her after her show.
8425609
Bonus points: he wants to be that helpful person, and acts really helpful, but he's absolutely terrible at it any time he tries