//------------------------------// // Schaden the Great and Annoying (Part 2) // Story: The Adventures of Schadenfreude // by Daemon McRae //------------------------------// Chapter 17: Schaden the Great and Annoying (Part 2) “TWILIGHT SPARKLE!” Trixie roars at the front door. After hearing that I also worked for the Princess, Trixie had stormed off straight for the castle. I tagged along because there was no way I was going to miss this. There’s a silence as Trixie’s outburst is met with no response. “TWILIGHT!” she yells again. “YOU GET YOUR FLANK OUT HERE RIG-” WHAM. A smaller door set in the giant crystal door smacks Trixie in the muzzle as Rainbow Dash throws it open. “Whaddya want, Trixie?!” The showmare stumbles around, trying to regain her bearings with a comically dizzy expression on her face. Shaking her head and straightening herself out, she charges right past Rainbow Dash, barking after her apparent rival the whole time. I just shrug at Dash, and walk into the castle. I mean, I kind of live here for now, anyway, so eh. I find Trixie staring dumbfounded ad the dining room, which is wonderfully decorated, as Twilight sits around the table with all of her friends, being waited on by the rest of the staff. The magician’s jaw is almost to the floor as she witnesses the spectacle of efficiency that is the royal treatment. “I… whuh… bwuh?” She stutters. Twilight grins sheepishly as a blush creeps across her cheeks. “Um, hi Trixie. I… well, I admit it is a bit much, but apparently it’s my royal duty to offer employment opportunities in my castle, so… now I have maids? And cooks? And a butler,” she adds with a sense of distaste, giving me a casual level of side-eye. Please. Try harder. I barely felt that. Trixie looks to me, aghast. “You’re a butler? A royal butler?! HOW?!” I shrug. “A combination of being a continuous pain in the ass to all the right ponies, being an almost perfect counter to Prince Blueblood’s absolute dicketry, and, to be honest, a lot of rather uncouth begging.” “Blueblood?! You work in the Royal Palace in Canterlot?!” She shrieks, almost blowing out an eardrum. Twilight groans. “Yes. He’s here on loan while I gather some more permanent waitstaff. Believe me, he’s going home as soon as I can get him there.” “Wha-ba-how?! HOW IS THIS FAIR?! Trixie spends her whole life traveling around and entertaining all kinds of ponies! Why did none of them ever offer Trixie a royal job?!” she whines. Twilight’s eyes narrow. “Maybe because you are -were, I’m sorry- even more annoying and a bigger danger to the public than he is?” Trixie scoffed. “How is that possi-” “Ursa minor,” Twilight interjects. “Alicorn Amulet. The Cutie Map incident. Should I go one?” she drawls, unamused. Trixie stops, mid-word, her mouth hanging open. She slowly closes it, and looks at her own hooves. After a moment, she seems to gain a second wind, and points an accusing hoof at me. “But he’s, he’s him! An unapologetic disaster who coasts through life on a whim and never pays for anything!” I raise an eyebrow. “Excuse me? I pay for plenty. Do you have any idea how many nights I’ve spent in the dungeon? How many places I’m not even allowed near in Canterlot? How many businesses refuse to serve me on basic principle? Ponies I’ve never met kick me out of their shops because I might do something to annoy them. I can list how many genuine crimes I’ve committed on a post-it note. Some guards just throw me in the dungeon preemptively. And on the other side I can count the number of genuine friends that I have. So yes, please explain to me how somepony who tried to enslave a town and set a magical beast the size of a three-story building loose on the populace, who’s never set hoof in a dungeon for any of that, gets to complain about me walking through life unscathed?” Her hooves once again become the most interesting thing in the room. “Well, the Ursa Minor wasn’t my fault...” I look to Twilight, who shrugs with a look that says “She’s not wrong.” I roll my eyes and sigh. “Ok, I’m sorry about the Ursa thing. But still, you have to admit there’s a little bit of pot calling the kettle black going on here.” Trixie looks up at me apologetically. “Well, ok. Trixie is sorry.” I smile and nod. “And I’m sorry about replacing all your fireworks with silly string launchers. And lining the bottom of your trapdoor room with honey and feathers. And the itching powder in your cape. And-” “OK, TRIXIE GETS IT.” Rainbow Dash interrupts with a loud, poorly suppressed laugh. “Did you really do all that?” “Yeah, of course I did. Trixie used to do the Canterlot circuit all the time before the nobles discovered they didn’t like having somepony more stuck up than they were rolling around in a wooden cart with explosives attached to it. Yes, Trixie, fireworks are explosives, it’s called gunpowder. So of course I caught wind of it. And how could I not screw with someone so self-absorbed? You’ve met my boss, right?!” Twilight gives me an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, Schaden. I didn’t realize life was so hard for you.” I pause, then burst out laughing. “Hard?! Please! My life is awesome! I work in a castle and my job is annoying the biggest prick on the planet! How is any of that hard?” The princess looks taken aback. “But… I thought-” “Pffft,” I waive a hoof dismissively. “Nah, I’m fine. I’m just like, the best at guilt trips.” I notice movement out of the corner of my eye just in time to throw my hooves up as Trixie dives at me, teeth bared. “NOT THE FACE!” As Trixie took out what felt like a lifetime of frustrations on any place her hooves could reach, Twilight simply looked off into space, and deadpanned, “No. Trixie, stop. That’s my butler. Oh No. Stop. Not the tail. No.”