Chapter 7: The Writing on the Wall (of Shame)
I shouldn’t be surprised that one of these days I’d accidentally stumble across a line I wasn’t aware of. There are thousands of ponies who have that one little thing, that one tick that just sets them apart, sets them off, but they’re so convinced that their little tick is so weird, so unconventional, that they’ll never actually tell anypony what it is. But I make it such a point in my life to absolutely irk the ponies around me that sometimes, not often, but sometimes, I find those irks on accident.
Apparently Princess Twilight’s happens to be finding her porn stash. So come on, tell me how I could have seen that one coming.
Ok, I say finding, but what I really mean is reading it aloud at the corner table with a cup of Jasmine tea. But I mean, quietly aloud. It is a library, after all.
Now, I’d narrate the events leading up to me running for my life down the halls of the Royal Castle, but you can pretty much surmise what went down from there. Fast-forwarding past the running and girly screams (from both parties, I will admit), I found myself tapped at the end of a rather long corridor. It was an exciting turn of events, but despite my cardio, I am not equipped to outrun, outmaneuver, or outthink an alicorn princess.
“Schaden!” Twilight shrieked, as I stood still at the end of the hall. I thought about cowering into the corner for effect, but I was afraid it might look a bit too real. And I have at least some kind of image to maintain. That and part of me was mildly excited at seeing Twilight this angry.
Alright, fine, I may have more than one reason for being a total troll. Angry mares are a weakness of mine. But another time.
“Eyyyyyyeeeeeesssss?” I said as mock-innocently as I could.
“What is the MATTER with you?! What if somepony had heard you?!” the Princess yelled.
“Then they’d probably have an erection. I like to think my reading voice is a rather dulcet tone.”
Watching a face normally awash with a somehow bookish shade of purple darken a few shades of red is the kind of artistic transition I, to my great shame, lack the formal education to describe. I believe the technical term is “hilarious.”
She stuttered for a few seconds, then eventually blurted out, “What if a foal had heard you?”
I had the gall (yes, even I recognize the limits of my own audacity sometimes), to look aghast. “Why, Princess! You employ foals here?!”
Yet more stuttering and half-words. In the meantime, the other three princesses caught up. Cadence, having already been witness to most of the story thus far, let the other two speak first. Celestia took a step forward. “What exactly is the problem here?”
I look over Twilight’s shoulder. “Your protégé seems… I think the word is ‘triggered?’”
Before she could ask me to explain, Cadence took a moment to fill her in. “Twilight had hid some… mature reading material for me in the Royal Canterlot Archives, and Schaden found them. Then started reading them aloud with a cup of tea. Twilight threatened him, they talked, Twilight got mad, chased him here.”
Luna raised an eyebrow. “I have noticed Twilight’s penchant to get emotional when it comes to the subject of adult books.”
Before I could stop myself, it slipped out, “Yeah, writers are easily embarrassed by their own works. Part of that ‘You’re your own worst critic thing, I guess?”
The silence was palpable. It took me a second to realize that, not only did none of the other Princesses know that Twilight was a smut writer, but at some point they’d all read her stuff. The first pony to speak was Luna, which surprised me a bit. “Well, that seems reasonable.”
I almost died laughing. I fell over on the carpet, just howling at myself in hysterics. I could only imagine what looks I was getting, as I couldn’t see them through the happy tears. When I finally stood up, the first thing I heard was, “What the hell is so funny?”
I barely managed to choke out my answer through smaller after-laughs. “Your sister’s protégé-slash-fellow princess-slash-friend is a porn writer that you’ve been reading for goddess knows how long for goddess knows what reasons, who’s chased your cousin’s butler through several hundred yards of Royal Hallways for reading said smut out loud with the intent of harming him bodily, and this is ‘reasonable’ to you?”
“…Yes?”
This time I wasn’t the only one laughing.
---------------------------------------
After we had all recovered from the absurdity of the whole scenario, and sat around at a nearby meeting room for a small snack, the conversation was much more amicable.
“So, seriously, why didn’t you tell us?” Cadence asked. Twilight hid a much lighter blush and smile behind a cup of coffee.
“Well, I thought you’d make fun of me,” she said, with a pointed glance in my direction. The other princesses stared with her.
“Ok, not that I don’t deserve that, but to be fair, I try not to openly mock people for things that make them happy. Mistakes? Yes. Being clumsy, or openly foolish? Most likely. Being an ass? Absolutely. But if there’s something you enjoy, something you think is worth doing, you shouldn’t be ashamed of it. I never have been,” I mused, shoving another croissant into my face. Flaky pastries. Num.
Cadence raised an eyebrow at me. “So you believe being a total ass is worth doing?”
It took me a moment to respond, cause of the face full of flakiness. “No, being yourself is. Myself just happens to be a raging douchebag.”
This might just be the greatest chapter yet in a history of amazing chapters, possibly only topped by the List Schadenfreude Isn't Allowed To Do and the "Honey, I'm home~" line. I have the sudden and entirely reasonable urge to pester all of my friends, acquaintances, coworkers and complete strangers until they have read this chapter, and possibly make a statistical chart out of their reactions.
I bow to you, Sir. And I hope that this will not be the last we hear from this wonderful character (also I want to give him cameos in all my stories now but I feel I couldn't live up to the legacy).
I'm, not sure.
Of course.
I can imagine him batting his eyelashes in innocence as well.
I believe so.
You are great.
Somewhat, yes.
I suppose-wait what?
So was everyone reading this.
Agreed. He's a professional troll, and professionals have standards, be polite, be efficient, and have a plan to troll everyone you meet.
This is great.
So I finally started watching Archer on Netflix, and now I can't help but read Schaden's voice as Archer's and it just syncs so beautifully.
I'm so happy this updated
I still don't understand how this is funny. No really, I don't. Schadenfreude is a horrible being who never ever ever gets any true comeuppance for being a blemish upon society.
And since this is all the story seems to be about—watching Schadenfreude gleefully be a raging asshole while apparently divinely protected to such an extent that he takes nothing seriously but himself—I don't think reading on while work for me. I'm not laughing after this. My feelings drift more towards annoyed and angry. It's like watching the two jerkwads from Biodome.
6628029 You just have a less developed sense of Schadenfreude (the german word not the pony) on the other hand Schadenfreude (the pony not the word) has an overdeveloped sense of Schadenfreude (... the word again.)
ultimately it's just a taste in comedy thing, everything you said derisively about this is why I read it funnily enough.
You do have a point about Biodome
Next, you actually need to write a chapter where Schadenfreude does Blueblood butler things. I expect it to be hilarious.
6628102
I don't know if it's really just that. It wouldn't be so bad if he did face any real consequences at some point.
But look at the latest chapter, he doesn't even take Twilight Sparkle chasing him seriously. He's too aloof and caught up in how supposedly funny he is. It's just frustrating to want only to see him get slapped down at some point and knowing it'll never happen. I don't even believe his speech at the end there because he's just too arrogant and uncaring for it to be true.
You know what I would like to see? Somepony crying from one of his pranks. What he's doing is easily something that could reduce a pony to tears. Real crying, not cartoony bawling. And then let's see Schadenfreude handle that. I'm curious how that would turn out.
I'm glad Schadenfreude is stallion enough to admit he screams like a filly. He's lucky Twilight didn't have the power of all four Alicorns when this happened.
I can't remember if Tirek has made his move yet, how would Schadenfreude deal with him??? Would his talent allow him to avoid having his magic drained or something???
6628271 It turns Tirek's magic into a raging douche-bag, not tirek, his magic, constantly inflickting on him the petty torments Schadenfreude inflicts on everyone else, but with powered by the whole of equestrian magic slowly driving insane.
6628350 I'm gonna need lots of popcorn to watch that happen.
Come on, do more, MORE! I love this little series, and love how you write Schad. Come on, do more, it is just so freakin' funny
Also
6628174
I can see why you would think that, but the big point of the character of Schadenfreude is that he does know when to stop, you don't see him laughing at orphans for not having parents or the like. He is a jerk, but he is not malicious, he like to annoy, frustrate, and "wind up" others, not cause them actual suffering. He isn't being an internet troll telling people to go kill themselves, he's the ass-hat who keeps leaving the toilet seat up because it pisses you off. He is the eponymous "asshole that's funny to watch", kinda like how you can love a Magnificent Bastard villain, you might not like them, but you do kinda like them. He lives up to Schadenfreude: happiness from anther's misfortune, and ALL humor is just Pain X Distance = Comedy.
6628029 Meanwhile, you have characters in canon be raging douchebags and they get rewarded for it
Diamond Tiara, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Discord, Sunset Shimmer and Sci-Twi, for example
I'm hooked. This is by far one of my most favorite characters I've ever read about.
+1 Fave, and +1 adding to list of best fanfictions I've read in my life.
Schaden and the princesses always make me think of this:
6628580
... Was that sarcasm?
6628433
See, I don't get that sense. He says he knows when to stop but nothing in the story so far supports it and I'm not taking his word for it. I wouldn't be surprised if he did laugh at orphans.
And again, I'd probably even enjoy his antics if he ever paid for them at some point. That's the last missing step. Even Discord pays for when he's being a pain, but Schadenfreude just... gets a pass. On everything. Half the fun of asshole characters is seeing them get smacked in the end. So when is he going to get smacked?
6628635
He gets banned. That's his punishment, he's a jerk, and gets barred from locations, and has rules made SPECIFICALLY for him as punishment, and he abides by the letter of them. He breaks social norms and standards, annoys others to see their reactions, and gets perma-banned from said locations. He doesn't need a "reason you suck" speech, nor a prison sentence, nor an over dramatic "you are a heartless person" rant to get punished, his very reason he is Blueblood's butler is TO punish him, and because no one else can stand Blueblood. Throw the annoying, but relatively harmless, asshole at the caustic arrogant asshole, who actually has some degree of authority, and see if it will fix either issue, preferable by getting Blueblood some humility by dragging him down, as it were.
I honestly dunno what I like in Schaden.
Have a reading of this. couldn't resist.
6628762
Maybe that would work if Schadenfreude actually cared. But he doesn't. He takes nothing seriously, nothing can happen that will shake him from his comfort zone.
Oh, I'd love if Asshole Blueblood actually manages to do something that actually hurts Schadenfreude, after the latter annoyed the heck out of him. But do you really think that'll happen?
My guess is no. And that's just unbearable.
6628635 Nope, completely serious
Schaden is the definition of a magnificent bastard.
6633192
I believe most of your examples did get some kind of comeuppance whenever they were being jerks, actually. For instance: Sunset Shimmer was lying in a crater, in a pool of her own tears, after Equestria Girls.
6637958 And was instantly forgiven by the Humane 5 and Twilight despite trying to kill them and invade Equestria not 30 seconds prior
It was nice to see the students being suspicious of her in Rainbow Rocks though
6639006
"Instantly forgiven" is a bit far. And as you said, a large part of the second movie was dedicated to showing how Sunset wasn't forgiven by everyone or got a pass on all she did.
Not like Schadenfreude, who is never really punished (because he takes nothing seriously), never has people we're supposed to be rooting for angry with him for any serious amount of time, never learns, and doesn't care one whit about anything but his own amusement. He's like Discord, only without the creative visual humour or consequences.
Actually, scratch that. Even Discord is more helpful when he puts his mind to it.
Schadenfreude is... just a prick. That's it. Even Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon weren't always 'on' before Crusaders of the Lost Mark. But somehow, we're supposed to cheer for this jerk?
Nope, no can do.
6642073 Fair enough
Sometimes we like a laugh at other people's expense
Someday, our little Freude is going to be the victim of one hell of a karmic bitch-slap
I'm glad to see more. This story never fails to make me laugh, even on very bad days. Not kidding I have it and the others linked to my desktop for the sole purpose of cheering myself up. Great stuff
"so this story's probably gonna stutter it's way to completion."
I don't care if it stutters, stammers, lisps, speaks broken equish, griffon or in tongues. Just as long as it keeps going.
He still has Rarity to go after, in a classy manner naturally. Applejack ought to be a blast. and his comeuppance would be when in a case of major brain fart he tries to out pinkie, Pinkie Pie.
6642073
We laugh at Tom getting the shit beat out of him by Jerry all the time. It's the same kind of humor. Plus, this story is a comedy. Rule of Funny makes it so rules are bent to make the scenario funny. If Scahden was executed for tilting beds that would cease to be funny.
Nephew.
9699600
I think he said that just to make them twitch.