Yes, You Read That Correctly
Chapter 1: Yes, You Read That Correctly
Many heroes of our time have tragic origin stories. Batmare lost her parents. Supermare’s planet blew up. Daring Do... maybe had a bad sexual experience in college. I don’t know.
But my story is much darker. More vicious. Brutal. Rife with uncertainty and corruption in a city many idolize as a beacon of hope across an entire country.
For I am... The Butler.
That day, that fateful, regrettable day, started off just a little different than any other. For one, I woke up in my own bed.
Not that I have a habit of waking up in other pony’s beds. More like I have a tendency to spend the night in jail. Just the night, mind you. Petty offenses. Them coppas got nuthin’ on me, yo.
...shit, where was I?
Oh yeah. Waking up in bed. So that happened. I woke up, and went about my day. Back then I worked in Customer Service, answering phones for people making complaints to the city’s taxi service. Mainly that they didn’t understand why the hell we needed one when we could literally walk ourselves. I usually ask them, “Yeah, but why would you?”
They hang up shortly after. I don’t get many complaints.
But anyway, I was getting ready for work, having just woken up. The sun hadn’t risen quite yet, but it was a little bit light out, with stormclouds very far on the horizon. Which usually meant it was going to rain this afternoon. I stuffed an umbrella into my saddle bag as I packed my things for the day.
Breakfast was a pretty basic meal. Just cereal. I like eating really crunchy cereals. Especially around other ponies. Watching them flinch with each unnecessary crunch fills me with a kind of sadistic glee.
Perhaps I should introduce myself. My name is Schadenfreude.
Now, you’re probably wondering how the hell a pony gets a name like... shit. This was supposed to be a hero origin story, wasn’t it. I probably shouldn’t use my name.
Dammit.
Anyway, weird name, how get? Well, my father was an asshole. And my hero. His name was Pffft Whatever, as his parents names him when they were stoned. While he was being born.
This seems to be a family tradition. Not the stoned thing, but naming the children on my father’s side of the family after the circumstances of our birth. I have a great-something grandfather names You Did This To Me. He was a psychologist.
But anyway, back on track. My father named me that because my mother, Rose Glass, gave him the right to name me. Approximately two days before she went into labor, during which he was reading porno magazines in the waiting room and smoking a cigar.
They were going through a rather rough spot in their marriage when I was being born. They divorced soon after and my father kept me. He taught me everything he knew, before he died. Lung cancer.
He didn’t care. I believe his last words, when they told him the operation on his lungs had a chance of killing him, were, “Cool. Can I get my free pudding now, then?”
He was an inspiration. I loved my dad.
Which is why I carry my name with pride. As it turns out, though, my father was somewhat of a prophet. Some ponies get names for what their parents hope their talents will be. Others get named something generic and pretty and told to “explore” the world.
My dad was a Celestia-damned psychic.
My special talent, specifically, is finding all of the little nuances and pet peeves that really set people off, just enough, and hitting almost all of them. And then thoroughly enjoying the outcome.
I spend most of my time in jail simply because the guard was pissed off. I don’t exactly have a rap sheet. More like a legal document titled “Things Schadenfreude is NOT Allowed to do in Canterlot.”
But yeah, I was having cereal for breakfast.
What? Keep the narrative simple? Pfft, please. Casual.
Right. Breakfast. Crunchy cereals. Well, that lasted about as long as it took for me to remind you I was eating cereal again. So I got up and washed my dishes, and put them away and stuff. I smiled to myself as the cupboard door didn’t exactly close all the way. A little something I do to irritate guests when they come over. Mostly family, some friends. There’s a little board nailed in the back of the cupboard that isn’t quite wide enough to stack dishes on, but just wide enough to push everything far enough forward that the door doesn’t close properly.
My mother hates it.
So, with my dishes and breakfast done, and my bag packed, I headed off to work.
Getting to work was rather uneventful. The trip from my house to the small office where I take calls is only a couple of blocks. There’s a magazine stand between here and there, and I always leave for work really early. I take morning shifts, because I like having my afternoons to myself. This also gives me the benefit of passing most businesses before they open.
Like the magazine stand owner. He wouldn’t be in for another half an hour. I make sure to leave home a little early just so I can stop by before he gets there. Just so I can tilt a bunch of random magazines in their displays, and hide his morning delivery of newspapers. Not obscurely. Just out of sight enough that he spends more time looking for them than he should.
He hates the paperboy.
So, after doing that, I walk into the office building. The first thing I notice is Princess Celestia, because come on. She’s really big. Not like, fat. Just tall. And she’s talking to my boss. Who sees me walk in, and smiles. He’s never done that before.
“Schadenfreude, good to see you! Listen, I’d like to introduce you to Princess Celestia.” He says all this with a stupidly large grin on his face. That shit-eating grin that you just know he’s got something planned.
The Princess walks up to me, and nods, saying, “Hello, Schadenfreude.”
“Hey Sunbutt.”
-------------
Father Whatever’s Lesson #1: Give no shits.
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TEUFEL, JA! Finally more Schadenfreude!
It's happening!
Yess!!!!
I still find it amazing that people hate Blueblood but love this guy^^
OHMYFUCKING-
SCHADENFREUDE!
I love you.
Okay, you've earned the follow.
named
Only error I spotted.
Oh this is going to be GLORIOUS!!!!!
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lu6r28Cx4M1qczvpto1_500.png
This is where I died, the rest was post-mortem bliss.
MOST GLORIOUS.
You have done it. We needed more Schadenfreude!
3935731 Well, well, if it isn't my old acquaintance
...
3936384
Well, well, if it isn't the Spy I thoroughly pwned. Enjoying your old body?
3936660 Um, no?
I got a new one. jeffmasterofnone.com/wordpress1/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/Is-Aquaman-all-wet.jpg
3936925
You gave up master of espionage for Aquaman? Not sure exactly how stupid that is.
3936963 Wait... what was my old body?
3936969
The Spy? from TF2? who's head I exploded with a quick-draw headshot? and then fixed and cavorted about in while you were trying out new bodies? and then you got upset and I gave it back and I set the Pyro on you? and you ran away with a giant water pistol? Any of this ringing a bell, or do you not remember being dead?
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9sqah3XWN1r8dy8go1_500.gif
3937013 I dunno, you offered a lot of bodies...
But with THIS, I'm invincible!
This is incredible.
Continue, please!
3937198
i.imgur.com/LgsxfDq.jpg
Didn't know you were into that sort of thing.
3937271 DAMMIT! *Struggles*
I can see why he hates humans...Curses! I'll get you one day, Lag!
3937467
YOU'LL HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST!
static.fjcdn.com/gifs/Video%2Bgame%2Blag%2Bin%2Breal%2Blife_5da7ec_4841778.gif
3937467
3937509
Please try to keep the comments related to the story.
3937595
Having the weirdest sense of deja vu... Alright then, I'll do my best.
fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/274/b/4/woonagusta_by_grievousfan-d6ow7z4.png
And shits shall not be given
3940400 Jesus Christ that's terrifying.
Schadenfreude is a motherbucking genius.
this is going to be GREAT!
cdn.smosh.com/sites/default/files/ftpuploads/bloguploads/mr-burns-evil-grin.jpg
*plays funeral march*
Excellent logic.
Wow.
That makes a scary amount of sense.
Wow.
I am now dead. You killed me with comedy.
I think I'd like him.
Oh god... it's... HIM!!
images6.fanpop.com/image/photos/32100000/sebastian-black-butler-32104108-1280-1024.jpg
I don't think I'll make it past the circus part...
Celestia leans down and grins, "That's 'Princess Molestia' to you..."
Two minutes in, read that line. Yeah, this is gonna be good.
Ok, i'm convinced.
Oh yeah, this is gonna be gud.
He this pony is my hero
This is fun. Seems a little weird to have a talent specifically to derive pleasure from the misery of others, given the generally utopic-socialist society, but let's see where this takes us.
Rainbow-blast him with the elements of harmony. It's Equestria's only hope.
It just hit me. He looks a lot like Pipsqueak, only older. Given how annoying Diamond Tiara found Pipsqueak in the school election....could they be related?
Immediately reminded me of this:
http://www.scp-wiki.net/the-things-dr-bright-is-not-allowed-to-do-at-the-foundation
6620003
Y'know, I've read the Dr. Bright one as well, and you can indeed tell that this is a guide as to what not to do. By doing all of them.
Alright everyone I've got some fucks to give everypony so if you just line up I'll- *Trips* Oops! Oh well, sorry folks, no fucks to give, maybe next tuesday.
"Give no shits."
BEST. LESSON. EVER!!!!
In awe of the size of this lad. Absolute Unit.
And with that one sentence, Schadenfreude became Nightmare Moon’s roommate.
My sides... they hurt.
One of these days we're gonna need a full list of his father's lessons
Now here's a scary thought: Imagine Schaden having a child
And naming it "Bruh Moment" or something.
9909186
Bruh