It BEGINS.
Chapter 3: It BEGINS.
It’s usually customary for new employees of the castle to get a tour of some kind of the facilities. For me? Well, I knew the castle well enough. I’d run around it plenty of times as a teenager. My parents may not have worked in the castle, but they had plenty of reason to be there. Or so they told everypony else. I didn’t care. I was having too much fun. But it was safe to say I knew my way around. Thus, Princess Celestia brought me straight to the throne room.
Walking in the throne room for the first time is much like seeing your first shooting star: it’s a brief, shining moment of wonder followed by a surge of adrenaline that usually follows something really cool, and you’re excited to tell everyone about it. Walking in the I don’t know how many-eth time is like finding a prize at the bottom of your cereal box. Kinda neat, but you knew what was gonna happen.
The first thing I noticed was that there were a whole lot of ponies standing around. Princesses Luna, Cadence and Twilight, Shining Armor, the customary amount of guards, and, of course, Prince Blueblood.
I half expected Discord to be around. Well, half expected, half hoped. But no.
They didn’t seem to notice me right away. Or if they did, they didn’t recognize me. Which is mildly insulting. Or would be, if not for the big floppy hat and trenchcoat. Yeah, Princess Celestia kind of made me put it on when I got to the castle. Something about disturbing the locals. She passed me off to anyone who asked as somepony seeking asylum. I responded my smiling evilly under the hat and laughing like a serial killer. That lasted all of two hallways, before she told me I wasn’t allowed to do that any more. Number one-forty.
“Sister, who is this that you have brought into our throne room? I suspect it is somepony seeking protection?” Luna asked.
I was trying really hard not to throw off the disguise and make a horrible joke.
Twilight and Cadence exchanged worried glances. “Protection? Like asylum? What kind of pony would need asylum?” Twilight asked, in what I think she thought was a hushed voice.
Cadence gave me a curios look. “Most likely somepony who has angered a noble or something similar. It might just be political or some famous figure trying to walk around without being bothered by fans. It happens more than you think.”
Trying reallllllyyyy hard here. I gave Princess Celestia a sideways glance, and she gave me what I swear to this day was a hint of a smile. That sadistic sun-raiser was enjoying it.
“Obviously it’s somepony who’s made a mess of things and expects us to clean it up for them. How typical,” Blueblood sneered.
I couldn’t take it any more. With one last pleading look to Celestia, she gave me a nod, and I threw off the disguise. “Honey, I’m hoooooooooooommeeeeee!” I said in my gayest voice possible. Which is pretty gay, actually. I use it to piss off homophobes.
I will never forget the reactions.
Blueblood all but ran for the hills. He ducked behind one of the thrones, cowering and yelling like a little girl, “Rule 106! RULE 106!!”
The other Princesses just gave varying degrees of eye-rolls and disapproving looks, mixed will all shades of groans.
Luna looked less bothered than the others to see me. Of course, that would change over time. “Sister, why exactly is... he here?” she drawled.
“Yeah, he’s kind of...” Twilight trailed off, her courteous manner preventing her from using all the rather inappropriate adjectives I’ve grown so accustomed to.
“An ass? A douchebag? A jerk to everyone? Absolutely adorable to the audience at home? A crowd favorite?” I rambled on.
“A pain in my flank,” Cadence finished.
Celestia looked around the room, a hint of the creepy smile I had seem hours before tugging at the corners of her mouth. “Well, girls, I have had an idea. I recently received a large list of complaints from a customer service company that, up until recently, employed our... loyal subject here. This list happened to coincide with a certain expense report from a project spear-headed by our very own Prince Blueblood. Thus, an idea was born.”
Blueblood popped his head out, as the Princesses looked confusedly at each other. “Auntie, what are you saying?”
Celestia gave that same meaningful cough as before, and a familiar-looking guard trotted forward with a pen and pad of paper. “Take note: Rule One Hundred Five is revoked. Rule One Hundred Forty-One: Schadenfreude is to be within three hundred feet of Prince Blueblood at all times unless specifically ordered by a Princess.”
“AUNTIE!” Blueblood bellowed.
I saw Twilight look back and forth between us curiously, her eyes sparkling with recognition. “Wait, you don’t mean...”
Luna raised an eyebrow. “Tia...”
And Cadence? Cadence laughed. “Oh... oh no.... please don’t tell me....”
Celestia nodded, and looked down at me. “Schadenfreude, I believe you’ve met Prince Blueblood. He will be your direct supervisor from now on.”
I felt an unfamiliar muscle group in my face twitch. “What.”
As if to answer that not-really-a-question, she turned to Blueblood. “Bluey, meet your new butler.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Seriously, I was going to need cosmetic surgery to unsmile myself.
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Moar, for the love of yer gods, moar!
Oh my effing GOD. I love this story already.
The is the best thing. The. Best. Thing.
It's like all of my dreams came true and Christmas never ended, thus bringing about the prophesied Reign of Santa (he who bringeth stuff) for a thousand years. Millions of tiny imaginary people in my mind died of joy and also too much eggnog.
Please continue.
This is going to be MAGICAL!
MOAR! MOAR! MOAR!
Wait, the list in the last chapter had up to rule 139... Celestia just made rule 141 and revoked 105... so what's rule 140???? I can't wait to see Schadenfreude make Blueblood's life a living hell.
responded by
somehow that bracket made its way in there.
You twist my gigglestrings with sadistic hooves, Schade,
and give me so many good ideas!
4093745
I laughed so hard I almost choked on my own spit you magnificent bastard!
4093983 Ah my bad. Good catch. I suggest that be amended to include "Except on Nightmare Night"
4094406
Woon Gusta.
shiteatinggrin.jpg
Sucks to be you Blueblood.
I freaking loved every minute of it
keep up the awesome work
I literally have not laughed this hard in over 6 months. please keep writing these at least when you get off hiatus at least write more this charactor needs more stories. I am thinking about petitioning Hasbro to make this character cannon
For some reason I can't stop smiling.
wait... then what was he doing before? I thought he was already Blueblood's butler in the first chapter.
4356402
The first part of the first chapter was him explaining that he was telling his origin story, how he became The Butler.
105: May not produce fake copies of this list and leave them lying around. are you sure it's not 106?
its rule 106
I ship it.
should be One Hundred six
I dread what would happen if they were int he same room. I suspect that on the Day of Discord, Discord turned him NICE and afterwards, when he was turned back to normal, everyone begged him to Discord him again.
Didn't take long.
This. This is pure magnificence.
Yes. Man, even CADENCE hates him.
Can you feel ze Scahdenfreude? The concept, not the pony.
Oh yeah.
106
So he can leave copies of the list everywhere?
I find it interesting everyone is correcting the story teller Schadenfreude that the answer of 105 should be 106....I am not surprised that the author notes didn't end with "Did this annoy you?"
I'm gonna say this is the genius of the author and hope that this story continues cause DAMN!
Bravo, you probably touched the nerve of every reader here with that XD
4095211
Nah, all he has to do is smile at you in glee and anyone sane would piss their pants.
8385749 All of my yes. I've been thinking of that scene all through this chapter.
8385749
He's like a less evil alucard.. and now I must make my next d&d characters real name, Schadenfreude, his criminal/performer name shall be Reynard the Trickster..
The rules don't match up
8450478
i was going to mention that as well, thanks for doing it for me. cough (not sarcasm) cough
I am laughing so much right now.
I'm crying, not because I'm sentimental, but because I like this asshole.
8450478
Yes, it's very... annoying isn't it? Almost like wanting to fix a crooked painting.
True genius, any typo or anything miss spoken is just all so we can feed the Schadenfreude with our delicious frustrations.
The two words that best describe this guy are: Malicious Imperfections
So... is it 105 or 106?
Isn't it 106?
You mean 106.
Sure you picked the right number there? If yes, that could be extremly amusing.
One of these days he'll come across someone into him and it'll be over. Never walking around again.