Chapter 9: Schadenhuman
I’m starting to think there is such a thing as too easy. Do you know how little effort it takes to annoy a teenager? They get mad at everything. I could sneeze and half the room would be offended. Teachers, on the other had, are the best. They have to go out of there way to pretend they aren’t annoyed by every living thing. And if it does get too much? They make a rule about it, which gets on all the student’s nerves. Canterlot High School has a really long list of really stupid rules that no one actually enforces. Unless I’m in the room. Then it’s AHOD. Which is why I’m usually in detention.
Like right now.
“Excuse me, Miss Cheerilee?” I ask innocently, raising my hand.
The teacher watching over detention for the afternoon doesn’t even look up from her magazine. “What, Schadenfreude?”
“Well, I know I have a decent supply of detentions to serve, but I was wondering which one this was?” Keeping my voice as calm and polite as possible is one of my favorite tricks. No matter how angry other people get, it can always be made worse by being the only calm one in the argument. Of course, I’m not arguing right now, but give it time. It’s kind of inevitable around me.
“I couldn’t tell you, Schaden.”
I tap my chin with my finger. “Is it for the time I took a tape measure to all the teacher’s skirts to make sure they were in dress code?”
“I don’t know, Schaden,” she says, exasperated.
“Or the time I showed that visiting cop on career day where Mr. Discord keeps his weed?”
Cheerilee rolls her eyes. “I don’t know Schaden.”
“Maybe this one is for when I told Pinkie Pie that Principal Celestia’s hair tasted more like cotton candy than hers?” That was a fun afternoon. Lots of running. Hot damn that principal can run in heels. It’s kinda sexy.
“No idea, Schaden.”
“What about when I got in trouble for bringing a comic to school, and tried to argue with Principal Luna that it was okay cause of all the comics you have in your desk?”
Her eyelid twitches a little at that one, but she doesn’t look up. Being my homeroom teacher, she’s proven to be quite the worthy opponent. “No, Schaden, THAT detention is a special one I’ve set aside.”
Ooh, kinky. “Well, if I’m serving them in order, maybe it’s closer to the time I showed Twilight Sparkle that Octopi and Octopuses are both grammatically correct?”
Her other eyelid twitches. She’s also an English teacher. “Maybe, Schaden, maybe.”
“Oh, I know. This is for that time I-”
“GodDAMMIT Freude will you shut the fuck UP!” Yells a very angry girl from two seats behind me. What, you didn’t think I was here by my lonesome, did you?
I turn around and give Aria Blaze the nicest smile I can manage. Which is pretty nice, considering all the practice I put into it. “Now that wasn’t very nice, Aria. You’re not supposed to yell in detention.”
You’d think Cheerilee would have gotten up and said something at the ex-siren’s outburst, but no. Most of the teachers here actually prefer her fowl mouth to letting me talk. At all, actually. “I don’t give a flying rat fuck what you’re here for. You should be more worried about what I’m in here for,” she growled.
Now, I know she’s trying to be intimidating, but she just done opened a whole can of worms. “Oh, is it for smoking in the teacher’s lounge during the last assembly?” I hear Cheerilee give a start behind me. She obviously was unaware of this.
Aria glares daggers at me. “You little piece of-”
“Or maybe it was having sex on the floor of the library?” I muse. Really, people should know better than to think I won’t be a total dick about stuff like this. I turn my head just enough to see Miss Cheerilee out of the corner of my eye. She’s paying attention now. In fact, I think that’s a notepad. I don’t want to take my eyes off of Aria long enough to be sure, however.
Her knuckles turn white as she grips her desk. “I swear to god I’m gonna-”
“How about the raging dumpster fire? Or shin-kicking the superintendent? Or the time you locked Sonata in the kitchen the night before Taco Tuesday? Or-”
Aria stands up, her hands balled into fists, as she takes a step towards me. And another. She’s mid-stride when I hear someone clear their throat behind me. Aria snaps out of her rage-trance and looks up, her expression going from pissed off to panicked. I turn around and sure enough, there’s Miss Cheerilee, holding a notepad and giving Aria a very stern look.
“Miss Blaze, I do believe you and I, and the Principals, have quite a lot to talk about. For now, though, you’re going to sit down, be quiet, and wait the last thirty minutes before detention is over,” she says coolly, in that well-practiced teacher voice of hers.
Aria does as she’s told, and glares at the clock. “Hey wait, there’s only fifteen minutes left!”
Cheerilee, on her way back to her desk, explains, “Yes, but Schaden is going to need the head start.”
“Why thank you Miss-”
My homeroom teacher glares at me. “Shut the fuck up, Schaden.”
“Um, Miss Cheerilee, can I go now?” Sonata asks from the corner of the room, waving her hand frantically.
“For the last time, Sonata Dusk, YOU ARE NOT IN DETENTION.”
Schaden is hilarious.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Now I wish I knew who Aria Blaze had sex with. And a detailed account of it....
So my question is...
Is this pony Schaden, having gone through the mirror to sread his joy, or human Schaden who now has to run from a murderously pissed off ex-siren?
8379782
Why not both?
I mean, can you imagine the mindbreaks one can accomplish with your twin-that's-not-a-twin helping out?
well this has been a pleasant surprise. can't wait for next years chapter!
'Most of the teachers here actually prefer her fowl mouth to letting me talk' I realize that Aria is a dumb cluck but I think you might have meant [foul]
I'm disappointed that I reached the end of what is written. It is cathartic to indulge in schadenfreude.
Woohoo an update!
Classic!
He lives!
8380249 He's a chicken, I tell you! A giant chicken!
Schaden-boo, Schaden-boo, you don't do like the other chickens do....
Schaden is awesome, getting Aria in more trouble. What about Adagio??? What does she get up to???? And does Schaden mess with people like Derpy or Sonata??? Or does he treat them decently and REALLY mess with people who hurt them?? Also, if Blueblood ever comes to Ponyville for any reason, can Shaden enlist the Cutie Mark Crusaders in making him miserable???? Especially if he can justify it as payback for Apple Jack and Rarity being treated badly by Blueblood at the Grand Galloping Gala???
8379911
Honestly they would probably go after each other... After all nobody knows how to annoy somebody more than themself.
I'm so happy that this is still a thing. He has to be my favorite character from probably any kind of thing
Schaden is the ideal being.
Dear
GODCELESTIALUNADERPY, I've missed Schaden and all the much-needed belly laughs!Thank you.
8381488 We have found one of Scootaloo's relatives at last!
8379911
I'd imagine that anyone who comes across the two together would lead to a scene like this.
You mean "foul" mouth perhaps? I find myself behind on horselore. For all I know, Blaze could indeed be part bird.
DAT ENDING THO!! XD
Just wait until Schaden finds octopodes.
This is what I do every time i'm arguing.
add in the blank expression and monotone...
I never skip leg day
I enjoyed this chapter. I totally see the humor in getting under a teacher's skirt with a tape measure.
It’s more her ridiculously long legs than the heels. Longer longs=longer strides.
8429147
Well, Sirens were originally described as bird-women before later myths started portraying them as mermaids.
8439663
Or octopussies
I mean, if you want to be a grammar Nazi, octopi is technically incorrect: using the letter "i" for pluralizing words typically only applies when that word comes from Latin roots, such as cacti being the plural for cactus.
Octopus is actually Greek in origin, making the correct plural either octopodes or octopuses.