The Adventures of Schadenfreude

by Daemon McRae


Shadenhuman

Chapter 9: Schadenhuman

I’m starting to think there is such a thing as too easy. Do you know how little effort it takes to annoy a teenager? They get mad at everything. I could sneeze and half the room would be offended. Teachers, on the other had, are the best. They have to go out of there way to pretend they aren’t annoyed by every living thing. And if it does get too much? They make a rule about it, which gets on all the student’s nerves. Canterlot High School has a really long list of really stupid rules that no one actually enforces. Unless I’m in the room. Then it’s AHOD. Which is why I’m usually in detention.

Like right now.

“Excuse me, Miss Cheerilee?” I ask innocently, raising my hand.

The teacher watching over detention for the afternoon doesn’t even look up from her magazine. “What, Schadenfreude?”

“Well, I know I have a decent supply of detentions to serve, but I was wondering which one this was?” Keeping my voice as calm and polite as possible is one of my favorite tricks. No matter how angry other people get, it can always be made worse by being the only calm one in the argument. Of course, I’m not arguing right now, but give it time. It’s kind of inevitable around me.

“I couldn’t tell you, Schaden.”

I tap my chin with my finger. “Is it for the time I took a tape measure to all the teacher’s skirts to make sure they were in dress code?”

“I don’t know, Schaden,” she says, exasperated.

“Or the time I showed that visiting cop on career day where Mr. Discord keeps his weed?”

Cheerilee rolls her eyes. “I don’t know Schaden.”

“Maybe this one is for when I told Pinkie Pie that Principal Celestia’s hair tasted more like cotton candy than hers?” That was a fun afternoon. Lots of running. Hot damn that principal can run in heels. It’s kinda sexy.

“No idea, Schaden.”

“What about when I got in trouble for bringing a comic to school, and tried to argue with Principal Luna that it was okay cause of all the comics you have in your desk?”

Her eyelid twitches a little at that one, but she doesn’t look up. Being my homeroom teacher, she’s proven to be quite the worthy opponent. “No, Schaden, THAT detention is a special one I’ve set aside.”

Ooh, kinky. “Well, if I’m serving them in order, maybe it’s closer to the time I showed Twilight Sparkle that Octopi and Octopuses are both grammatically correct?”

Her other eyelid twitches. She’s also an English teacher. “Maybe, Schaden, maybe.”

“Oh, I know. This is for that time I-”

“GodDAMMIT Freude will you shut the fuck UP!” Yells a very angry girl from two seats behind me. What, you didn’t think I was here by my lonesome, did you?

I turn around and give Aria Blaze the nicest smile I can manage. Which is pretty nice, considering all the practice I put into it. “Now that wasn’t very nice, Aria. You’re not supposed to yell in detention.”

You’d think Cheerilee would have gotten up and said something at the ex-siren’s outburst, but no. Most of the teachers here actually prefer her fowl mouth to letting me talk. At all, actually. “I don’t give a flying rat fuck what you’re here for. You should be more worried about what I’m in here for,” she growled.

Now, I know she’s trying to be intimidating, but she just done opened a whole can of worms. “Oh, is it for smoking in the teacher’s lounge during the last assembly?” I hear Cheerilee give a start behind me. She obviously was unaware of this.

Aria glares daggers at me. “You little piece of-”

“Or maybe it was having sex on the floor of the library?” I muse. Really, people should know better than to think I won’t be a total dick about stuff like this. I turn my head just enough to see Miss Cheerilee out of the corner of my eye. She’s paying attention now. In fact, I think that’s a notepad. I don’t want to take my eyes off of Aria long enough to be sure, however.

Her knuckles turn white as she grips her desk. “I swear to god I’m gonna-”

“How about the raging dumpster fire? Or shin-kicking the superintendent? Or the time you locked Sonata in the kitchen the night before Taco Tuesday? Or-”

Aria stands up, her hands balled into fists, as she takes a step towards me. And another. She’s mid-stride when I hear someone clear their throat behind me. Aria snaps out of her rage-trance and looks up, her expression going from pissed off to panicked. I turn around and sure enough, there’s Miss Cheerilee, holding a notepad and giving Aria a very stern look.

“Miss Blaze, I do believe you and I, and the Principals, have quite a lot to talk about. For now, though, you’re going to sit down, be quiet, and wait the last thirty minutes before detention is over,” she says coolly, in that well-practiced teacher voice of hers.

Aria does as she’s told, and glares at the clock. “Hey wait, there’s only fifteen minutes left!”

Cheerilee, on her way back to her desk, explains, “Yes, but Schaden is going to need the head start.”

“Why thank you Miss-”

My homeroom teacher glares at me. “Shut the fuck up, Schaden.”

“Um, Miss Cheerilee, can I go now?” Sonata asks from the corner of the room, waving her hand frantically.

“For the last time, Sonata Dusk, YOU ARE NOT IN DETENTION.”