//------------------------------// // Interlude: THE LIST // Story: The Adventures of Schadenfreude // by Daemon McRae //------------------------------// Interlude: THE LIST Captain Shining Armor looked about the room at the faces of the new recruits. Of course, given the state of affairs, there were some older officers and enlisted in the ranks, as well. This training was rather important. He gazed about the classroom, at the thirty or so guards seated at desks, a thin vanilla envelope in front of them, containing only a few sheets of paper. “Gentlemen, you are here because it does not reflect in your record that you have had this training before. While this is normally not a mandatory course, a recent change in stafing has created the need to make such lessons mandatory,” he explained, looking at all of the confused faces. They would learn, soon enough. “Gentlecolts, Fillies, please open your files. I shall be reading the document aloud to you. Please follow along. There will be a test after.” Shining sat himself down at a larger desk in front of the room, and opened his own copy of the file. He began to read: “[This document is a legally notarized copy of File #D4M-M17 Freude. It is meant for training, educational, and informational purposes only. See #62.] [THINGS SCHADENFREUDE IS NOT ALLOWED TO DO IN CANTERLOT] 1: Not allowed to make faces at guards to see if they respond while on post. 2: Not allowed to commit petty offenses for the same reason. 3: Not allowed to make any attempts whatsoever to provoke a response of any kind from any guard. On or off duty. 4: Not allowed to bribe others to do the same. 5: Not allowed to coerce others IN ANY FASHION to do the same. 6: Not allowed to tamper, tinker, manipulate, or otherwise physically alter any public water system for the express purpose of making ponies “Find that damned dripping noise.” 7: Silly putty is not a suitable substitute for caulking glue. 8: Neither is week-old chili. 9: There is NO SUITABLE SUBSTITUTE for caulking glue. 10: There is also no suitable substitute for a parachute. 11: Not allowed to volunteer at the public library. 12: Not allowed in the public library for more than ten minutes. 13: Not allowed in the public library at all. 14: Not allowed in the museum, for similar reasons. 15: Not allowed to challenge anypony to a race to the end of the city, promising money, then turning around and leaving. 16: Not allowed to promise money to any number of ponies if they win a race, then turn around and leave. 17: Not allowed to instigate races of any kind. 18: Not allowed to participate in races of any kind. 19: Dickery is not a professional sport. 20: It is not an amateur sport, either. 21: Schadenfreude is not the last of a dying breed. 22: Nor is he a disabled pegasus. 23: Or unicorn. 24: Schadenfreude is not a disabled anything. 25: Being an asshole is not a disability. 26: It is also not a special talent. 27: Schadenfreude’s ONLY special talent is being an asshole. 28: Not allowed to pretend to enlist in the Royal Guard. 29: Not allowed to enlist in the Royal Guard. 30: Not allowed to wear the uniform for any reason. 31: Schadenfreude did not “Lose his wings in the war.” 32: Or his horn. 33: There is no such thing as a “penile emergency” 34: Not allowed to fake a “penile emergency.” Many ponies flinched at this statement, as Shining’s emphasis on the phrase indicated that there was, in fact, such thing as a ‘penile emergency.’ Shining himself straightened up slightly from his own discomforted shudder, and continued reading: “35: Not allowed to make use of the Fair Treatment Act clause that dictates that any medical professional approached with a patient claiming serious illness or injury is required to provide treatment regardless of the presence of any actual medical emergency, except with visible evidence to support the claim. 36: Not allowed to use a proxy of any kind to subvert any rule on this list. 37: Not allowed to submit legal applications to change local city ordinance. 38: Or national law. 39: Not allowed to attempt any legal action to change any laws of any kind. 40: Not allowed to attempt ANY action to change any law of any kind. 41: Not allowed near the courthouse. 42: Or the Hall of Records. 43: Or the post office without a guard escort. 44: Not allowed near any government building without a guard escort. 45: Ponies dressed as guards to not qualify as an escort. 46: Not allowed to ask the staff of the griffin embassy if birds can have fleas. 47: Not allowed to ask the staff of the griffin embassy anything. 48: Is to stay the Tartarus away from the griffin embassy. 49: Is to stay away from the griffin ambassadors. 50: Not allowed to ask the Night Guard if their female staff members are “Ladies of the Night,” nor make implications to that effect. 51: This includes asking female Night Guards what their rates are. 52: Is to stay the Tartarus away from the Night Guard. 53: Except in emergency situations. 54: Not allowed to demand apologies from members of either Guard in the form of song-and-dance numbers. 55: Does not get to dictate or make suggestions as to what form his official apology may come in. 56: Not allowed to make naming suggestions to expectant parents. 57: Not allowed to make naming suggestions to parents who have yet to name their foals. 58: Not allowed to make naming suggestions. Period. 59: Not allowed to submit applications to legally change his name. 60: Not allowed to submit applications to legally addend his name. 61: Not allowed to introduce himself as “Master Debater.” 62: Not allowed to introduce himself as “Long John” anything. 63: Not allowed to introduce himself as anything other than Schadenfreude. 64: Not allowed to hire taxi drivers to take him “Just over the rainbow.” 65: Or to Neverland. 66: Not allowed to hire a taxi driver to any place he cannot point out on a map. 67: Of the city. 68: That he did not draw on. 69: That he did not DRAW. 70: Not allowed to hire taxis. 71: Not allowed on public transportation. 72: Not allowed to imitate public transportation. 73: Not allowed to imitate a public official. 74: Not allowed to pretend to hold any paying job that he does not. 75: Not allowed to feign, fake, imitate, or otherwise portray any change in his personality, as it scares the locals. 76: Not allowed to rent out spaces that are unowned by other ponies under the pretext of “Finders, keepers.” 77: May not present any argument in legal proceedings beginning with the phrase “Well, nopony else was using it at the time...” 78: May not end any argument in legal proceedings with the phrase “...and then they had sex, the end.” 79: Not allowed to represent himself in court. 80: May not make any changes to the furniture, fixtures, decorations, or other physical materials of any house he does not own. 81: May not make any of the above changes to any house he DOES own. 82: The same applies to vehicles of any kind. 83: Unless it is expressly written in his job description. 84: Not allowed to write his own job descriptions under ANY circumstances. 85: May not be self-employed. 86: May not approach non-business owners and/or managerial staff asking for a job. 87: May not approach non-business owners and/or managerial staff demanding a job. 88: Is not the second coming of King Nebulous. Yes he is. 89: NOT ALLOWED TO EDIT THIS LIST. 90: Is not related to the Royal Family in any way. 91: Not allowed near the royal family unless they approach him first. 92: Is not the second coming of King Nebulous. 93: Is not the reincarnation of Starswirl the Bearded. 94: Is not the reincarnation of anypony. 95: Is not allowed near the Obscure History section of any library. 96: May not introduce Discord to Play-Dough. 97: May not introduce Discord to Silly Putty. 98: May not interact with Discord without Royal or Guard supervision. 99: May not interact with the Elements of Harmony without Royal or Guard supervision. 100: May not interact with Twilight Sparkle without ADDITIONAL Royal or Guard supervision. 101: Or Spike. 102: May not hand out fake copies of this list to new guards. 103: May not hand out fake copies of this list to old guards. 104: May not hand out fake copies of this list. 105: May not produce fake copies of this list and leave them lying around. 106: Not allowed near Prince Blueblood. 107: Not allowed to respond to questioning by a Royal Guard with the phrase “And then?” 108: Or in a fake accent. 109: Not allowed to make any claims pertaining to the “fakeness” of his current accent. 110: Is not to be questioned by Royal Guards without an officer who has questioned him previously present. 111: Is not to be arrested, detained, or otherwise processed through the Criminal Justice system by any guard, officer, or other authority with anything less than one two years’ experience. 112: Not allowed to volunteer for any government project. 113: Is ineligible for jury duty. 114: Is ineligible for mandated government work of any kind unless specifically approached by a Princess. 115: Said Princess must ask for him by name. 116: Not allowed to answer to any name other than his own. 117: Is not allowed near the castle without the authorization of a member of the Royal family. 118: And a guard escort. 119: Royal authorization must be signed and sealed. 119b: BY A PRINCESS. 120: Schadenfreude is not a princess. 121: Even if he really, really believes in his heart. 122: Schadenfreude does not have a heart. 123: Not allowed to perform surgery on himself to prove otherwise. 124: Not allowed to sing in public. 125: Even if everyone else is singing. 126: Schadenfreude is not The Lord of the Dance. 127: May not attempt to pass off confectionery as prescription drugs. 128: May not attempt to pass off confectionery as illicit drugs. 129: May not attempt to pass of confectionery as any kind of drug. 130: Not allowed near prescription drugs of any kind without a doctor’s note. 131: And a doctor present. 132: The doctor must administer the drugs. 133: Not allowed to order any kind of alcohol in any establishment that sells it. 134: May not have others buy him alcohol. 135: May not buy others alcohol. 136: Not allowed to order any kind of alcohol in any establishment that doesn’t sell it. 137: Not allowed near anything with an engine without the presence of someone authorized to operate it. 138: Not allowed near anything with an engine. 139: Not allowed to use the phrase ‘balls on toast’ in the presence of any of the Princesses.” At this point many of the guards, officers and enlisted alike, looked about themselves, extremely confused. Then, one rather brave guard in the back of the room raised his hoof. “Um, sir?” “Yes, Private Ironguard?” Shining addressed the new recruit. “Why is this training mandatory now?” Ironguard asked hesitantly. Shining looked pensive for a moment. Then, he stood up, and walked to the front of his desk. “That is a very good question. Fillies and gentlecolts, we are having this training session for one reason. Schadenfreude is coming to work at the castle.” ---------------- I walked past one room marked “Training” as Princess Celestia led me down the halls of the castle. As I did so, a loud, concerted protest rang out. I smiled to myself and kept on walking. Something told me I’d hear about it later, and laugh.