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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Ouch, and I can see now why this one part was so, well, rough. Oofle. Bravo to eliciting chills here, it was well done.
But huh. This was one whopper of a bomb to drop.
Still, thank you kindly in the writing.
I was always a bit more invested in the action than the fetishenanigans, but both are good.
I am, in fact, entertained. That is, in fact, why I am here.
Cadence let the power get to her a little too much. Looks like she learned the hard way the reason not to brute-force her way into somebody else's mind.
To be honest, this chapter was one of my least favourite.
Whenever action comes in, it steals away time that could be spent on character development and/or exploration (the stuff that makes the "fetishenanigans" more than just cheap porn) or advancing the subplot surrounding what changelings are and why they're as "empty" as the thestrals were without Luna (which would also develop/explore Thorax in the process) and fills it with stuff I find boring (the action).
So... why the heck was Sunburst carrying around a suicide bomb if he wasn't working for Chrysalis?
wow
9321922
He was reaserching a way to prevent them from working.
and I thought this was going to be smut going in.
9321922
He wasn't intending to use it as a bomb. He was given those chemicals in a previous chapter for a ritual to destroy a dangerous artifact. He just didn't use up all that they gave him, and then he got cocky. He figured he was experienced enough to keep the chemicals on hand just in case he found another cursed artifact, and... yeah.
Oh... shit.
It's a gut-wrenching chapter to be sure. I'll be interested to see if you can fix the damage that's been done or if we can write off Sunburst as a heroic character moving forward. Although he does have a prophecy behind him so odds are that he still gets to be a hero.
I really hope there's a peaceful resolution to all the pain he's been put through and the guilt that Cadance surely will be riddled with. I also hope she learns from this and does not let it eat at her and make her hesitate at some decisive moment in the future.
9322116
Oh, I've got plans. Plans within plans, even! I have so many irons in the fire, you don't even know ::::)
I suppose it's not much of a spoiler to say Sunburst saving the Crystal Empire is canon. The prophecy is something new, but remember, this is the second time Cadance has had some kind of vision/premonition (the first being on Hearts and Hooves Day when she immersed herself in the Crystal Heart's power) so hearing a sudden prophecy when her power's running wild HOPEFULLY isn't too out of left field. I'm trying to show this occurrence as a natural extension of her growing powers, but I'm not sure if I succeeded.
How'd I do? Does this progression make sense?
9322143
I think you did a fine job!
I remain blind as to where this is all headed, but within the framework you've laid down up to this point, this chapter slots in nicely.
There are a few minor typos that I stumbled over; if you're interested I'd be happy to point them out for correction.
Thank for the time you've put into your stories and for sharing them with us!
9321922
This is what got me. It seems way out of character for him, and I dont feel him being that deeply conflicted was foreshadowed well enough to narratively justify the reaction or send Cady into doing something that dumb.
I mean, where do you go from here? Sunburst just tried to assassinate a sitting head of state out of pique.
9322155
Thank you! And yes, please! I'd love for you to list the typos. I always appreciate it when people do that : )
9322175
I guess I'll go ahead and admit something.
Another reason that this chapter was difficult to write was because Sunburst's situation is partially autobiographical. Not the being born out of wedlock part, but the abandonment by a father. Having a situation like that leaves a hole inside you, a void that you never quite understand. You know something's supposed to be there, but trying to figure it out just leads to frustration and anger. You look around at other families with both parents, and a selfish voice inside you wonders why you don't have that. Questions like that can be like a poison, twisting you and turning you bitter, making you want to lash out and scream.
Nothing can truly prepare you for meeting an estranged parent for the first time. Calling them 'mom' or 'dad' feels strange in your mouth, almost like a curse word you're not supposed to say. You know it’s supposed to mean something, make you feel something inside, but when you say or hear it, there’s nothing but a hole. You walk into their house and see all their things, and that same selfish voice whispers that all of this should feel familiar. You're supposed to FEEL something, nostalgia, a subtle signal, anything to tell you that this place is your home, but you don't. You feel like you're in the home of a stranger, and the realization chews a wound in you that rots and festers.
And what's even worse is if the parent doesn't want anything to do with you. Your friends and family warn you so many times, but that selfish voice spurs you on. They can't really be the person everyone says they are. They have to be different, you can be the one to change them. But when you seek them out and discover they really are everything people warned you about, it just twists the knife even more. Even if they do love you in some strange, twisted way, it's not in the way you want, and often times, there's something/someone they love more that stops them from taking a greater role in your life.
Or in my case, someone they hate more.
I channeled a lot of myself into Sunburst here. The trench of poisonous, conflicting emotions, the rage, the viciousness, the stubbornness and extreme reactions, the fury in the face of being made helpless, even the spiteful, berserk act of starting a fight knowing full well they're going to get hurt more than the other person. All of these feelings are things I've wrestled with in the past, and I've had to face, accept, and move on from. Is it out of character for Sunburst? Possibly, but in a situation where Sunburst is the bastard son of a pony who wants nothing to do with him, and said pony ultimately proves to be the unhealthy individual everyone said he was, the question of in character versus out of character gets a little harder to answer.
I think my mistake was not foreshadowing this enough. I said that Sunburst was hiding something, but I never really alluded to what it was. I've been portraying Sunburst as recluse with social anxiety, and as a result of this portrayal, i haven't had a lot of chances to dig into his character. If I had to do it again, I'd probably foreshadow this more, maybe add in a scene or two to help set the stage. It's definitely something I'll take note of moving forward, and hopefully I can get Sunburst's actions to be less of me, and more of him.
I'll be honest, I'm having a hard time digesting this chapter.
Emotions don't work that way. They can't somehow become a ball of 'wibbily wobbily' that somehow prevents you from talking about stuff. Painful yes, but it can't PHYSICALLY prevent you from doing something. At least not in the way I feel it's presented here.
It just comes off as kinda stupid to me. Then again it's very late. Perhaps I'm just too tired to process.
9322232
Please don't take this as personal criticism, but yes, you definitely should have backed off on it and tried for more separation of author and character there. It is jarringly out of place in the narrative, and throws some pretty awkward wrenches into how the story will move forward, because a pony who can lash out like that out of nowhere is too dangerously unstable to be safe around others.
Especially when "others" here include Gleaming's family. Cady can heal. Can Night Light? Or the foals?
It pretty much sticks you with fixing Sunburst via deus ex of some variety if he's going to stay a character in the story.
Wooot!! Update!
Loved it cant wait for more!
A fine example of meta humour.
It's a surprise that THEY haven't become Alicorns, with that level of power.
Revenge, food, conquest, power. That's only four. Am I missing one?
She may not seem it, but Dash is smarter than you might expect. One of my favourite stories acknnowledges this.
- MLP: FiM
- Avengers
- Comedy
- Slice of Life
The story of Rainbow Dash, as raised by Tony Stark.also,
- MLP: FiM
- Dark
- Comedy
- Random
- Tragedy
Rainbow Dash has an unusual way of learning, and Twilight’s determined to take advantage of it. Before she knows it, Rainbow’s life unravels before her eyes as she becomes the smartest pony alive.9322368
I'm pretty sure that it's heading that way. Either that or the elements are the remains of an alicorn.
This chapter hit deep on my heart with first excitement then hope that Fluttershy and Steelwing get together and date each other,then the second part had my heart sink it stherts with sadness for him and hopes Neighsay gets free and he can fix what he broke and him and Sunburst can hell and become a real family.
9322262
Dramatic license, but trauma does have quite extreme effects, sometimes. Don't forget that humans are intently emotional creatures and that logic takes backseat when the former comes heavily into play.
9322272
I don't know, having your mind raped by your previously goody two shoes princess while at the same time making you review your traumas could make even the most even headed person flip their shit.
Cadence was NOT a happy camper right now.
I... have some problems with the ending of this chapter.
A) Cadance was completely justified in what she was doing.
Cadance herself doesn't seem to think so, even though the traumatic thing she did literally uncovered why it was justified. Sunburst has a connection with Neighsay, a powerful one. A powerful, extremely negative, one. I'm pretty sure a dark magic and emotion manipulating immortal being of immense power could exploit something like that. And has.
Besides all that, Sunburst was clearly in a position of high clearance and was being dishonest with his Princesses at the WORST FUCKING TIME. As far as I'm concerned that probe was 100% justified beforehand, and most definitely after.
The only thing Cadance could have done better was not just fly off the handle and immediately go full brain probe that instant. There are a thousand better ways she could have begun that whole thing.
It still very much needed to be done.
B) Holy shit I know Cadance just hurt him, physically and emotionally. She invaded his privacy in perhaps the most, er, invasive way possible and made him relive some of his most painful memories and emotions.
But Sunburst just tried to kill Cadance.
These are not commensurate.
That is not the action of someone who has committed themselves to purifying evil.
Lashing out? Retaliating? Sure, I can understand that, with the trauma he's been through, and what Cadance just subjected him to. But even humans, by and large, don't immediately go "I've been wronged, I'm going to kill the person that wronged me." Really don't see that being more common with colorful magical ponies living in a land where love and harmony are literal tangible forces.
More succinctly: I think Cadance should have more faith in her instincts, but be more willing to pause for a minute before acting on them at this point. And Sunburst should never have gotten to the point where he would blow up a massively powerful fucking antimagic bomb, in the THRONE ROOM, trying to KILL THE CROWN PRINCESS! It doesn't make much sense as a logical progression of events, and a logical progression of the character as we know him.
Just my two cents.
9323786
Cadence had good reason to be, and I'd have no more sympathy for someone being questioned about their abusive parents' complicity in a crime if they hauled off and tried to murder the questioner.
9323822
I'm going to disagree here. I've mentioned before that mental violation is one of my "do not pass GO, do not collect 200 bits" lines. I would invest considerable time, effort, and resources into either preventing mental intrusions, or if that isn't possible, going full John Crichton and installing a multi-layered, fail-deadly magical switch that would go off if my mind was violated, with a short override period in case the violator was smart enough to back off, and as big a boom as I could manage. And that's without any mental trauma I'm trying to avoid bringing up.
Since he wasn't paranoid enough to invest in that sort of thing, Sunburst's field-expedient replacement will have to do. If he survives, ain't nobody going to risk messing with his mind again.
I'm guessing the book-ends with Chryssi at the beginning and Cadance at the end is intentional. She has become that which she hates.
9322262
As someone who has had severe anxiety all of their life, and often experienced a physical incapacitation from it, a "paralizing panic" if you will... I'm happy for you that you've apparently never experienced something similar, I guess?
But don't go around assuming your own emotional state is how everyone works.
9325579
I didn't. I'm sorry you saw it that way.
I perfectly get that emotions can be a wall that you have to overcome, or can prevent you from doing something. Fear is basically an emotion that can do such a thing. If you are afraid of snakes for example. You'd have a hard time walking across a floor full of them.
Yet at the same time if there was a wall of fire chasing you, you'd be forced to either deal with the snakes, or get burned alive. In most cases, the snakes could be overcome.
Here we have, not to give it away, a certain pony very upset for being abandoned. Now I get that there could be a flurry of emotions here, but Cadance seems to put it that there is no talking to him about his feelings on the matter period. In fact, he seems to black out a bit at the mere mention of the topic.
That's... well doesn't it seem a bit TOO extreme for anyone else? Like, have you ever met anyone who acts like that pony does in this in real life? I've never seen anything like it. (EDIT: Okay in hindsight people probably do, but my real point is the next paragraph I write anyway.) Anger usually will pop up, and if they had angry declared they didn't want to think or talk about that, then I'd feel it'd work, but this? This just feels really off and forced.
I guess what's really bothering me is Cadance's description of it. She wasn't talking like a few would feel like that pony did, but EVERY pony who's been in that situation feels the same way, and that none of them could talk about it, so the only way was for her to do what she did, and it's just utter sillyness. No, not everyone reacts to emotions the same way, they don't work like that. The mere fact you are arguing that you and I don't react the same way emotionally to the same things proves this.
So again, I'm sorry, but I'm having a hard time digesting this. I just don't feel it works that way.
9322181
Here is everything I could find, minus commas and other formatting niceties, I try to not go hunting for those. Elements of Style notwithstanding, comma placement and formatting is often a matter of personal preference.
This may seem like a lot, but considering that this chapter is 7614 words long, it's pretty lean pickings. Please don't feel discouraged.
Plush rugs with emblazoned with - Plush rugs with emblazoned with
phased through from like a cannonball - phased through from like a cannonball
sent chills down your spine. - sent chills down a pony's spine.
jamming straight into Neighsay’s horn. - jamming it straight into Neighsay’s horn.
“And it also seems you were also correct - “And it also seems you were also correct
whatever let you to open a portal - whatever let you to open a portal
neon green runes glowing bright - neon green runes glowing brightly
but it’ll pay off we get our hooves on it.” - but it’ll pay off if/when we get our hooves on it.”
converting it to vapor and driving into - converting it to vapor and driving it into
him biting down on his cheek - him biting down on his cheek
and I have to do it while as many little flies are gathered in my web. - and I have to do it while as many little flies are gathered in my web as possible.
Gleaming had forgot - Gleaming had forgotten
and who knows where they might strike. - and who knew where they might strike.
the moment they’d head Gleaming’s - the moment they’d heard Gleaming’s
mannequines - mannequins -or- ponnequins
or off any of the things - or off any of the things
barging into mind - barging into his mind
He tried not get butterflies - He tried not to get butterflies
how Cadance mane - how Cadance's mane
then chuckled and putting a hoof to her head - then chuckled and put a hoof to her head
into a inky - into an inky
confusion and stress was eating them - confusion and stress were eating them
trapping him tight. - trapping him tightly.
9323822
I agree about Sunburst's reaction, though Cadence did give us some pre-warning about how there are two types of Orphan. I'd assume that because ponies are even more social creatures than humans and there's a herd mentality going on that being abandoned by their parents is pretty hard on them. They live in a utopian society, so being unwanted in a place meant to be happy and well off... that's pretty fucking hard.
On top of that, we already know ponies can be really unstable... and easily corrupt. The issue here is that the bad type of orphan seems to feel like no other living creature could ever empathise with them, so they feel they and they alone are the only ones able to bear that burden... then it becomes such a deep rooted facet of their personality that when challenged they become a snake, coiled, defensive, ready to strike with fang and venom.
9325781
Fixed! Thank you so much!
I prefer the old picture the one before this , the one with the measuring tape
9354582
I liked it, too, but it seems quite a few others didn't. The story started getting a considerable amount of downvotes after I started using it.