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I'm a professional dingus.

E

Rainbow Dash has an unusual way of learning, and Twilight’s determined to take advantage of it. Before she knows it, Rainbow’s worst fears become reality and her life unravels before her eyes as she becomes the smartest pony alive.


The dark tag is for the implications of the story.

An entry for the April 2015 write-off event, with the prompt “Great Expectations.”

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 278 )

Loved this in the Write-off. Glad to see it here.

This was really fun.
Except for Rainbow Dash.
Poor, poor, Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow is now the Master of Wisdom, hope that fits on a Hayvard application. Very enjoyable. :twilightsmile:

CCC
CCC #4 · May 10th, 2015 · · ·

...I was sure that the graduation, at least, was going to end up being Dash's nightmare...

In the words of Jontron...

"Byoutiful."

I envision the purple rug as the pelt of one Twilight Sparkle.

My god, you could get a whole city high off this crack.

Ha! Wow! Twilight is so terrible

That swerved Dark suddenly.

5962898

That was my first thought too...!

5963354 My thoughts exactly :twilightoops:

I'm sorry, but this was by far the least funny and most unexpectedly disturbing 'comedy' I have ever read.

You'd think that Twilight, being part pegasus, would be able to emulate that style of learning and apply all that to herself... :facehoof:

Enjoyed this in the Writeoff. Good to see it on the site. :twilightsmile:

That escalated perfectly. Poor Dash, but that's what she gets for taking so long to build up her immunity to adorableness.

Oh hey, featured! I'm glad to see people are enjoying it. :D I had a lot of fun writing it, for sure.

5962898 As do I ;P
5963645 Thanks for your feedback in the writeoff, by the way. It definitely helped. :twilightsmile:
5963437 5963709 I'm actually kinda surprised to hear that this was disturbing. I didn't mean to make it as dark as some people seem to feel it is. All I was trying to do was poke fun at Testing, Testing 1 2 3's conclusion, and I meant it to be more ridiculous than disturbing. I suppose I should learn to gauge that better in the future.

I'm conflicted... On the one hand, it's nice to see the pony everyone calls stupid being a genius. Gives me some confidence that people don't see her as an idiot, even if this story was based directly off an episode.

On the other, though, my best pony got given the shaft and got consigned to a fate worse than death 'for science' of all things.

Good grief, Twilight, are you even qualified to teach moral philosophy? Because you don't seem so well-versed in its practical applications. :trixieshiftleft:

... :twilightoops:

That's what I thought. Now, go find Starswirl's spellbook with that time spell, plug in Rainbow Dash's Quantum Timestream Alteration Theorem, and go avert this. Or I'll tell Celestia that the Princess of Friendship sold her friend out for science.

You wouldn't! :twilightangry2: What gives you the authority to-

I'm an author too, Twilight. My words bring you into being even as we speak! Now, be a good little pony and fix this mess.

Oh, and nice story, by the way, Author! Quite well-written. A shame I had to scold Twilight here, but, what can you do? Mad Scientists these days need to be kept in line, or there'll be so much chaos in the timeline Discord's cousin Entropy might come to visit! And trust me, nothing good will come of that. :fluttershyouch:

EDIT: Blame the length and absurdity of this comment on a late night and too much caffeine, if you'd please.

5963782
I think it might be people's interpretation of a certain purple throw rug. If you think what I thought about that purple throw rug, it is indeed a very dark fic.


Still, I laughed.

is it possible to get a short epilogue where twilight goes to dash asking for help, and rainbow finally get's her revenge? like, twilight goes asking for help on an equation that would make or break her entire career for the rest of history, and dash gives her the wrong answer. so twilight goes and turns the research over to whoever, not even bothering to check if it's right, and then is laughed out of canterlot, and every other learning environment for the rest of her life.

Interesting story, but unfortunately the premise falls flat. Simply having information in your head is not even a third of intelligence. You must also be able to use that information, and recognize if you are applying it correctly. RD would only have 1/3rd of her intellect as a free ride. Since one third is practice, she could gain it to, but she like all meatbags, would never be able to achieve a prefect intellect for two key reasons.

First: Organic brains are horrible at recalling information.
Second: every time you remember something the information degrades.

Therefore, no unaugmented organic will ever be able to achieve what RD dose in this story. Hence, the premise is faulty.

Alternate Ending:

:rainbowderp:" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"*Doors shut behind her*

:twilightsmile: "Rainbow Dash, don't be worried, I have set your schedule so you will be able to get enough vitamins D even though your not going to be allowed out of this room in seven years. I hoped to start with curing lung cancer-"

:rainbowhuh: "NO. YOU LIED TO ME. THIS IS SLAVERY."

:twilightsmile: "Rainbow Dash, the needs of the many outweighs-"

:rainbowhuh: "Freedom is the right of all sentient beings."

:twilightangry2: "For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others."

:rainbowhuh: "Freedom means you are unobstructed in living your life as you choose. Anything less is a form of slavery."

:twilightangry2: "You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today."

:rainbowhuh: "Isaac Neighton is the deadliest son of a bitch in the world."

:twilightangry2: "With grea-"

:twilightoops: "Wait, who said that?"

:rainbowdetermined2: *Dashes through the door and blasts through the ceiling by achieving a Sonic Rainboom* "ME!"

Rainbow Dash first contribution should be a quantumnanovirus designed to kill purple alicorns in the most excruciatingly painful and agonizingly slow way imaginable

5964238 it's a story on a fan fiction website. I think you're pointing out the obvious, probably to try and look smarter.

Oh silly Dashie. You would think that with all that knowledge she could figure out how to safely kill some brain cells to prevent herself from retaining the information.

5964173
I second this idea for an epilogue.

Twilight must suffer! :pinkiecrazy:

5964339 I thought the revenge was implied, with the purple throw rug?

5964339 I am pretty sure RD killed Twilight. The reference to the "Purple throw-rug" his a rather dark (but amusing) hint

This sort of reminds me of Flowers for Algernon, if Charlie didn't ever want to be smart and never went back to being unintelligent by the end. Oh, and also if he was a rainbow haired pegasus. :rainbowderp:

A fantastic idea well executed and, most importantly, you enjoyed writing it. If only Rainbow Dash enjoyed being so smart...

Apparently Rainbow isn't the smartest pony in the world. She didn't invent a way of transcribing her thoughts while flying, thus allowing her to be both a Wonderbolt and a genius. Simple.

I greatly enjoyed this one. The premise, the escalation, the many other jokes contained within, and just the right amount of dark. Surprisingly well-written in technical terms, too. I don't usually expect such high standards from typical feature box fare, but if this was a writeoff entry, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.

Good work.

I rather found this story to be highly amusing. I am surprised RD just didn't make a portal gun or something to escape :twilightsmile:

The purple throw rug made me laugh out loud and made me wonder just how she got her revenge on Twilight

Sweet Luna's left butt cheek! That was awesome!

Wow, Front. Just... wow.

That took a swerve from comedy to 'sweet mother of God, it's like the Twilight version of Cupcakes'... Okay, maybe not THAT bad, but still, that turned creepy way too fast.

5964238 You must be a blast at parties

5964238
If you insist on attempting to put logic to a story about talking pastel ponies...

You are correct in that regurgitating information is not intelligence and you are also correct that RD could learn to practice what she has learned. However, your last point, is flawed.
1.) Organic brains have been documented to be able to present an extremely high accuracy recall in what is known as Eidetic memory.
2.) We have no real idea what a pony's physiology would be like. They could be copper based life forms for all we know. Therefore, we can't reference Earth standards when comparing to a pony's physiological state.
3.) You make no mention of the biggest X factor in your postulations: Magic. Even assuming ponies follow carbon based physiological norms, we can't begin to guess how magic would affect their cognitive functions. Ergo, RD is augmented in ways we don't know.

Thusly, your argument against the premise is faulty. Also, you've put dose where does should be.

While it was quite funny, it was also pretty depressing considering Dash had no saying on wanting to quit.
Poor Dash.

At least in the end she got a kick out of it!

That was really bittersweet.

Purple throw rug

:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

That was really, REALLY dark.
It was good, but I'd still rather see an epilogue where RD woke up.

Sometimes a purple throw rug is just a rug. (We hope)

Great story!

Well, this Rainbow is certainly learned. I'm not so sure she's smart, though, since that last part hints that she doesn't actually know how to apply all that stuff in her brain. Or care, for that matter.

On the other hand, she apparently solved a lot of problems. Strange conundrum. Then again, I guess this was supposed to be humorous, so I'm perhaps tackling it from the wrong angle.

5964799
Pretty sure that was the authors intention, but yeah, I am pretty sure that is where everyone seems to think it turned dark.

5964876
Actually, for me, it was when Rainbow Dash's personal dreams evaporated in the face of somepony else's uncaring ambition turning her into a scientific magic 8 ball, dooming her to an empty and hated existence and finally driving her into near-complete isolation. ^_^

5963782 unless another chapter turns up where RD wakes up, I really think this should be classified as dark.

This story is incredibly depressing.:trixieshiftleft:

It could have easily done a BS copout of RD waking up, and I'd feel better at it than the ending we got here.
And where are the rest of the Mane 6? Surely one of them would noticed and called Twilight on abusing RD's subconscious.

The ending is what makes it bad. It's good, gets dark, but not too dark that it couldn't be turned around.
This could easily have been made into a friendship lesson about not forcing your friends to do what you want, even if you think it's best for them.

Instead we got Angst Dash.
It's well written, but it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Sorry. I can't upvote it.


It was funny and sad.

5964873

I think its more accurate to say she can do whatever the hell she want.

The point being, she doesn't want nor care for any of it.

But she can't help but to solve whatever problem is shoved down her throat.

Twi is such a good friend (not).

Next problem RD! How to kill a purple Alicorn with a paper clip and no evidence that you did the deed.

5964160 Aha, so the purple throw rug's a suspect. Well, since I left it open to interpretation, I'll offer another possibility for those who think it's too dark: Perhaps Rainbow Dash actually misses Twilight and her adorable pouty faces. By the time she's holed up on the mountain and her days as Twilight's friend are long gone, Rainbow can't help but feel lonely. The purple rug is something of a reminder of life before the whole college thing.

Or it's just a rug and I needed something to round out the setting a bit. Again, open to interpretation.

5964873 This is a good point. RD's method of learning as shown in the show seems to be more of a memorization tool than a true learning tool, and I touched on that in the story. In my opinion, RD in this story could believably pass the Hayvard exam, but as for curing cancer and such, I kinda doubt it. However, I took some liberties and stretched that idea, for the sake of comedy.

It could have easily done a BS copout of RD waking up, and I'd feel better at it than the ending we got here.

I was expecting (and hoping) for the same. The end just kinda made me sad.

This story is way sadder than I expected it to be :fluttershysad:.

Hell, I figure it even warrants a dark tag or some kind of warning

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