• Member Since 21st Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen Last Thursday

Lady Brony


Love ponies and writing. So why not put them together?

E
Source

It's Hearts and Hooves day at Ponyville. Snails didn't get any cards for some reason. Scootaloo feels sorry for him and she gave him one of hers. Sending him a wrong message towards him.

Based on a Simpsons episode.

Both edited by JR Black Wing and Altoids

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 20 )

It was a nice story, but - and I mean this with all due respect - are you sure you posted the edited version?

Because I saw a lot of errors.

4043007
I had my editor do that for me. Because grammar and spelling is very hard for me.

4047545

I can understand that — I'm guilty of making such mistakes myself. My early works are full of grammar mistakes, which I am rectifying — even going so far as to edit (and in some cases, rewrite) every story I've ever written.

This was still a nice story, though. :twilightsmile:

4047744 about I get second opinion when my editor is done. Instead of posting it right away. :scootangel:

Sounds fair?

4047744 about I get second opinion when my editor is done. Instead of posting it right away. :scootangel:

Sounds fair?

4068673

You shouldn't have to ask for my opinion. You're the writer, you do what you think is right for your story.

4068680

But like I said grammar is hard for me and rather not have, say my friends or family know I do this. So I need some kind of help.

4068721

I can edit the story around if you want me to, I mean check out my work if you don't believe me.

Not too shabby. You've earned a like :3

4637075 :yay::yay::yay:

Your so awesome!:heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart:

Thanks

4594515
Certainly an improvement over the original draft -- however, there's still a few things you missed, which you really need to watch for if you're going to be an editor. :twilightsmile:

Today wasn’t her favorite day because it’s the dreaded Hearts and Hooves Day, a time of the year that Scootaloo didn’t care for. In fact, she never even liked the idea of making cards for her classmates. The only exceptions were Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle since they are the only ponies she hanged out with.

Mixing of past and present tenses within the same sentence or paragraph is not permissible, especially not as part of the narrative. (In actual dialogue, it can be used to suggest that a character is either uneducated and talks poorly, or that they're a non-English speaker unfamiliar with the language.)

Generally, most stories are told entirely in past tense; it is possible to do a story entirely in present tense, or even to construct a story such that "present-day" scenes are in present tense and flashbacks are in past tense (see EquesTRON's Light The Sky On Fire from my Favourites list as an example of this), but it's tricky to pull off if you don't have a firm grasp on what you're doing.

A lot of missing and misspelled words, I'm afraid:

However, Scootaloo knew she wouldn’t be able to get out of the situation

Snails wines, whines “But it’s says that’s its cherry flavor! See!” He holds up the crayon.

Taking a peak peek at it, Ms. Cheerilee reads aloud the words,As the clock on the wall reads 11:30 a.m, the entire class began finishing up there their cards before lunch break at noon.

Don't depend on a spellchecker. it won't catch missing words, and it can only tell you if what you typed is a word, not whether it's the right word.

On that last one: "there", "their", and "they're" are different words; make sure you use the right one. Same for "your" vs. "you're", "its" vs. "it's", and so on.

“That was kinda the joke,” reposted Scootaloo as she rolled her eyes, completely oblivious to Snail’s flirty attitude.

I don't think this word means what you think it means... :unsuresweetie:
This does bring up something else, though. Nine times out of ten, you should just stick with "said", "asked", or "replied"; the reader doesn't notice them, but over-using fancier attributions like "snorted", "insisted", "responded", "chimed", etc. sticks out like a sore thumb. Save them for when you really need them for a specific effect. And definitely don't try to use verbs that aren't even "speech verbs", like "cracked up" (which is not hyphenated, BTW) to indicate a character speaking. If you catch an author doing this (or if you're doing it yourself in your own stories), point it out to them and make them change it.

Hope that helps! :twilightsmile:

4679643

I'll go fix that thanks for the pointers:heart::twilightsmile:

4679643 Actually, those are some things I SHOULD have caught. However, I was more focused on improving details and the story's presentation that I apparently skipped over my own grammar check. Therefore, I apologize for those errors.

As for using not over-using words like "said," "asked", or "replied," that is just my personal preference since I like to help convey the emotions / expressions of the characters since our own human speech isn't generic and bland. It can be full of happiness, joy, depression, and / or even haste. Therefore, it makes sense to add texture to a quote, which helps the reader imagine the situation (even if it sticks out). :twilightsmile:

A story that does a fantastic job with this is this one ---> Secret Between Siblings

Also, for the past and present tense mix up... I should have only changed "are" to "were" since that whole paragraph was reflexive to Scootaloo's hate of Hearts and Hoofs day.

Also, I will *facehoof* myself for that stupid there, their, and they're mistake. :facehoof:

4730517

It's okay it's not that big of a deal. I understand you missed a couple mistakes. This story isn't that good anyway:twilightsmile:

4730517

True, but constantly using "high-dollar" synonyms in place of "said" gives rise to the "swallowed a thesaurus" syndrome, more often than not, and draws attention to itself.

To convey tones of voice, it's usually better to use adverbs to describe the tone of voice when needed.

The other issue with your dialogue tags is that a lot of what you're using aren't actually "speech verbs", and cannot be used to convey tones of voice in the manner you're trying to use them:

“Oh not at all,” Snails winked, “By the way, that card was so funny with the banana and monkey.”

"Winked" is an action performed by the eye, not a vocal inflection, so you can't use it as a dialogue tag directly. You can say:

“Oh not at all,” Snails said with a wink. “By the way, that card was so funny with the banana and monkey.”

Also, don't directly tell the reader things, like this:

Scootaloo is flat in her expression, “It was fine.”

Do it like this:

“It was fine,” she replied in a flat tone.

or

“It was fine,” she replied flatly.

Punctuation of your dialogue is also a problem. When the character's sentence ends, so must the dialogue tag. You can't put a comma at the end of the tag and continue on into the next sentence of dialogue, like you're doing here:

“Aw that’s so cute,” her mother cracked-up, “You two would be a darling couple.”

The mother's dialogue consists of two sentences:
"Aw, that's so cute."
"You two would be a darling couple."
Therefore, dialogue-plus-tag must end after "cracked-up" (which is not a valid speech verb either, by the way), and a new sentence must be begun. Like this:

“Aw that’s so cute,” her mother laughed. “You two would be a darling couple.”

Past/present-tense mix-ups: Actually, the entire story is full of tense switches; that was just one example to cite. Either all of the narration has to be present-tense verbs ("is", "are", "sees", "knows", "looks"), or all past-tense ("was", "were", "saw", "knew", "looked").

4741021 Thank you for that and actually... You are right on my inconsistencies of keeping ether in past or present tone. To which, I think that is something I personally need to improve on / watch out for. Although, I am still bashing my head on the punctuation mistakes since that is a grade school level of fail. :facehoof:

This version is much better! But why did you keep the old version?

5678851 I had two people edit this for me. So I didn't think it was fair keep one version and delete the other.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!