Big Macintosh was always the quiet type of stallion. He never had much friends growing up, probably due to his constant work at Sweet Apple Acres all the time, and not really getting out much. But all that is going to change for Big Mac. He will hopefully get the kind of friend or friends, he always wanted.
This is my first fan fiction, and I hope you guys enjoy it. Tell me what you think of it, and be honest.
*EDIT* Oh God. Why did I write this? I regret ever writing this. This shouldn't exist
Chapters (10)
Just from the first paragraph, I can offer this for advice, at least. Brush up on your grammar. Here's a corrected version of the first paragraph, for example:
It was any normal day in the town of Ponyville. The ponies would go and do the regular things they do everyday (Needs better description than that. It's VERY vague, and totally unnecessary with the sentence before it) : do their work, talk to their best friends, or some other kind of thing (Again, too vague. Not needed as is.). Take Big Macintosh for example. He does only one thing everyday: work at Sweet Apple Acres. As you can tell, he’s a quiet type of stallion. Sure, he would sometimes go into Ponyville, but only for business. He wasn’t the type of pony you could get into a serious conversation (The second in makes 'into' redundant, not to mention that you don't end a sentence with a preposition...). Almost everypony already knew what he was going to say when they asked him a simple question: 'Eyup' or 'nope.'
I haven't read anything else yet, but you said you wanted a critique, so before I go further, just realize that I'm going to TRY to look past the grammar, but it's something you should really work on. Getting a pre-reader/editor would help a lot as well.
Aww why you be hatin' on Big Mac like that.
Some technical notes, first. You have a couple spotty verb tenses near the beginning that could use some correction. "Eyup, or nope." should be "Eyup," or, "Nope." as they are separate quotations.
I don't terribly like the premise that Big Mac is a complete shut in, I don't think it fits what we see in the show, but I'll follow and see where you go with it. If it leads to a fun story, I suppose I can forgive you.
Okay, some more stuff that is ALSO grammar related, but different at the same time... Tense usage. You need to chose a tense and stick with it the entire chapter. Just using the last paragraph as an example, you said: 'For the first time, Big Mac felt excited to actually have a someone to talk to, and to hang out with. He just hopes that tomorrow will be what he expects.'
He FELT EXCITED, but HOPES that tomorrow will be what he expects? No, just... No. It would be, 'Big Mac felt excited to actually have somepony to talk to, and hang out with. He just hoped that tomorrow would be what he was expecting.'
I wish I could help more, but until you get your grammar into better shape, I can't. I'm sorry, but I get caught up in grammar easily, so it's just too distracting to notice other problems. Good luck though, dude! It takes guts to post your story for all to see and criticize, so just try to take what is said and grow from it, alright? Good luck! /]
Concept's done to death, but to be honest, so has the premise to my fic! You might want to use paragraphs, and as the others have said, improve your grammatical standards.
347615>>347630>>347654 Common you guys need to give PROS with your CONS
.
I like it so far. Look forward to more and this should be fun!
347937 In self-defense, I DID say I have trouble following any story with grammar problems. It's hard to say something positive when you're too distracted by grammar to notice anything else that he could potentially be doing well. It's not that I don't WANT to give positive remarks, it's that I just can't see anything as it is. I'm sorry if it insults you, but at least I was able to tell him WHY I had trouble reading it, and how to correct it. That's more than all of MY stories on Deviant Art ever got. All THEY would ever say is 'good job', or 'woohoo', or 'great job my fellow'. Sorry, but as somepony who wants to GROW, that wasn't helping me. Nopony was telling me what I was doing wrong, or what I was doing right. I can't see what he did right, so I did what I could, simple as that.
I like the idea but I agree that the grammar needs to be fixed but I think you'll fix these mistakes with the next chapter. Good Luck!
Thanks for telling me to improve on my grammer, and sentances everyone.
I'll try to improve on all of that.
347654 Thanks for the support. I was kind of nervous to submit this anyway since it's my first fan fic. But thank you for pointing out my grammer.
I can't really say much that hasn't already been said. Just improve on your grammar and i'm not sure but i felt mac was a little ooc
gooood can't wait for next chapter, like many people have said before me, grammar seemed to be the only issue. Please update soon!
A flaw in this chapter, it's supposed to be Rarity not Sparkler. Otherwise, nice story so far, will look for more.
391304 ok maybe the problem is my computer since it somehow re-edited my comment to say Sparkler and not R a r i t y (figure the spaces will make sure the point gets across on the problem.
391316 It's an April Fools joke. They were using the names from the First Generation Ponies.
"It all began back when I was a filly." he began,
i thought Big Mac would have been a male all of his life, but thats just me. a few errors, but still good!
401373 I was going to say the same. I think the word he was looking for is Colt or Foal
Please Please Please PROF READ! Lethal Guardian of our children? So many grammatical errors
. Other than that it was enjoyable.
401435 Yeah I know. I'll fix the filly part. Thanks for the tips.
It sounds good so far keep up the good work.
lol lethal guardian of our children, that doesn't sound very good :( other than the few obvious typos and grammatical errors, this was very very good. That was a very plausible explanation of how Big Mac lost his parents. It reminds of the beginning of the Disney classic the Fox and the Hound for some reason. Keep up the good work!'
412185 Fine. I will change "lethal guardian" to something else. Also, now you got me thinking of Fox and The Hound.
Good, Like the story, Agree with the proofread. Looking forward to the next one
Probably one of the funniest things I've read in a while
AJ, you know fake mustaches never really work unless your Spike.
i liked everything except the part with the burger. i hate to be a stickler, but ponies dont eat meat
470484 Well, it WAS the first thing that came to mind. I didn't really think of anything else, but thanks for the support.
470484
quorn.com.au/Images/CMSImages/Products/315_main.jpg
9 in the afternoon ummm i think that would be classed as evening
good chapter though
nice
this is pretty good, keep the chapters comin'!
Good job at coming with how to describe what they are thinking during the story. I cant wait till you release the next part.
she can't stop thinking of McDonalds food, even as she's trying to sleep? jeez, she must really be hungry.
497174 Ha Ha. There, changed it.
497177
lol you didn't have to. i was just being an idiot.
497228 Well, it's changed anyway.
can't wait to see where this goes, even though the dream part was a tad bit cheesy, it was in a good way for sure, and I still liked it a lot. Please update soon!
Its ok Twilight,I'm an Egghead too.
AGH
this is what I hate about waiting, not knowing what's going to happen next.
By the way, great job so far.
This is my first attempt on making a kiss scene very descriptive. It will probably not be that good, but hey, I tried.
Uuuuuummmmmmmmmmmm this is good so far. But I think that it would be alright if you weren't so descriptive with the kiss scene. I do not mean to be rude or anything. its just I thought that it kind of jumps out at you in comparison to the amount of detail that you have put into the story so far. Like it was great for a first try. That's fantastic for a first try. And I think that it is fantastic that you are being a good artist by leaving your comfort zone. But I think that you should stick with the same style of writing so far and save that kind of detail for the next story that you write. Again I am not trying to be rude I am just voicing my opinion. My sincerest apologies if this offends you at all. And again great job on what you have made so far. It is simply a matter of contrast.
522197 Thanks. I was not offended at all. It's your opinion, and I accept that.
Oh man I am so glad that I didnt piss anyone off. But anyways yeah great job so far. I look forward to the next part.
i liked the story about big mac's cutie make, its pretty plausible, good overall, please update soon!
I bucking love this story, and now i need more
Heh might be a silly nitpick, but lye down c.c
That's nice and all, but I don't think he wants to slowly melt XD
I require more of this, as Big Mac is clearly best shipping candidate.
I would like to thank all of you, for reading my story, all of the views, and for your support. Expect more stories on the way!
I'm kinda confused... why was everypony nervous around Twilight when she 'needed to know something else'? I found that kind of strange...
561476 Well, like I said from the story, she read it from a Romance Book.
Yeah I didnt get that the nervousness issue either.
But other than that it was really nice way to wrap up the story.
Im not ordinarily a twimac im actually im fluttermac fan but i still think that this was a really well made shiping fic.
561527 Dang. I was trying to get that nervous vibe. Anyway, thank you!