It was any normal day in the town of Ponyville. The ponies would go and do the regular thing that they do everyday. Do their work, talk to their best friends, or some other kind of thing. Take Big Macintosh for example, he does only one thing everyday; work at Sweet Apple Acres. As you can tell, he’s a quiet type of stallion. Sure he would sometimes go into Ponyville, but only for business. He wasn’t the type of pony you could get into a serious conversation in. Almost everypony already knew what he was going to say when they asked him a simple answered question.
'Eyup' or 'Nope.'
It’s as if the ponies he tries to talk to just ask him questions on what he’s been doing. And when he tries to actually talk to them using words other than 'Eyup' or 'Nope', something comes up and they have to leave him their without ever hearing on what’s he been doing lately. I mean, all he does is work on a farm, and nothing else. But, he doesn’t mind. He’s pretty sure that the stuff he talks about is boring. He can easily talk to his family, because they know him way more than the other ponies. He also remembered that certain event that happened on Hearts and Hooves Day when he took that Love Poison that the Cutie Mark Crusaders gave him and Cheerilee. It felt like to him, the Love Poison was making him do that ridiculous talking that Applebloom told him. Shmoopey Doo, and Pumpkin Pie, and other names that he didn't want to mention. He just wants to talk to another pony using his own words, and just hang out with them. Just like Applejack's friends.
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Big Mac and Applejack slowly trotted into the Ponyville Market, where they sell their bucked apples. Big Mac was pulling the main cart, and Applejack was carrying large baskets full of more apples. Applejack would talk about how they bucked those apples right out of the trees, and asked if he agreed that they did another good job for The Sweet Apple Family. Big Mac would obviously say “Eyup” with a small grin on his face.
After what seemed to be hours, they finally arrived in Ponyville Market. Big Mac stopped somewhere near the center of the market and started to set up their stand. Applejack put the baskets down on the sides of the cart, and put up a sign that said,
One Apple- Two Bits
Two Apples- Three Bits
Three Apples- Four Bits
“Come on everypony, come an’ git your one of a kind, freshly bucked Sweet Apple Acres Apples!” Applejack shouted to the oncoming buyers.
The ponies quickly rushed over to the stand, and started lining up to buy some of their apples with bits in their saddle bags, and craving taste buds for delicious apples. All of the ponies got the apples that they have bought and left. Then, Applejack saw a white coated, light purple maned pony. She was wearing what she assumed was a new hat that she designed herself, since it had a couple gems on it.
The light purple maned pony, with a slight diva walk in her step, came over to greet Applejack, completely not noticing Big Mac.
“Hello there Applejack!” Rarity waved at her as she approached her cart.
Applejack turned around as she was putting the bits in her bucket cash register, “Oh, howdy Rarity. I can see you have yourself a new hat.”
“Oh yes, isn’t it simply magnificent?” Rarity pointed to her hat.
“It sure is, it must of taking ya’ a long time to make it.”
“No not really, Spikey Wikey came over and helped me make it”
Applejack chuckled a little. That nickname that Rarity gave Spike was hilarious. “Oh really now, well that was mighty kind of him.”
“It sure was, but I do say, I wonder why he was looking at my gems rather strangely.” She said while putting her hoof to her chin and pointing her pupils to the upper right side of her eyes.
“Well he is a dragon after all.” Applejack laughed as she answered her friend‘s obvious question.
“Oh, of course.” She said as she joined in with her friend in laughter.
Minutes later, Big Mac assumed that he didn’t need to be here anymore. After all, AJ asked if he can help move the cart to Ponyville Market. So, he trotted away like a shadow in the darkness. He thought about that conversation that AJ and that, Rarity mare, had. Since that’s the only thing he could think of, aside from his work. He never actually had any close friends throughout his life. He almost felt like an outcast. Heck, he was an outcast. He never got to actually talk, or play, or just hang out with real friends. He wanted to ask an expert on how to make friends, but HE didn’t know anypony like that.
He walked past a bunch of buildings that he never got to go into. Like that pony AJ was talking to, she said that she owned like a dress shop or something. And she also mentioned a pony with a pink mane, and a pink coat who helped at a store call Sugersquare Lane, or something like that. He got lost in his thoughts when something bumped into him. He didn’t fall over, but when he looked down, he saw a unicorn with a purple coat, with a dark purple main with a strip of light purple as well. She was using her magic to carry a book, but fell onto the ground, and she had a saddlebag that dropped of her back too, and scrolls landed near her hooves. She looked familiar, but Big Mac couldn’t put his hoof on it.
He then quickly got on the ground and started to pick up the scrolls. It was difficult for him to pick them up, since he had massive hoofs. She then put her saddlebag back on her back, and used her magic to pick up the scrolls that Big Mac missed and put them neatly back in her saddlebag. She also put her book back in too, probably so she won’t run into anypony back to wherever she was going Big Mac assumed. He then held the scrolls out in front of her, and she used her magic to lift them into the air and again, neatly put them back in her saddlebag. Finally, he then helped her back to her hooves and was going to apologize for accidentally knocking her down, but was interrupted.
“Please forgive me, I was just reading this book on how to use new spells by Starswirl the Bearded. This book was given to me by Princess Celestia, so I wanted to read it before I got back to my Library, so I can get an early start on writing them down on these scrolls.”
Big Mac had no idea what she just said, all he did was stand their with a very confused look in his eyes. She noticed when she made eye contact with him, and put it into simpler details.
“I want to write spells on these scrolls.” she told Big Mac as simpler as she could get. He then gave her a slight nod knowing that he understood. Then she realized she didn’t properly introduce herself.
“Oh, I forgot, my name is Twilight Sparkle.” she said while holding her hoof out.
Big Mac shook hooves with her and was going to introduce himself.
“And your name is Big Macintosh, Applejack mentioned you, and I know you when you battled against Flim and Flam. And, she mentioned you lost in another contest between you and her, and you had to where one of Granny Smith's girdles.” she finished while chuckling.
His face went darker than his coat. It was completely embarrassing when he had to do "that". When he walked down Stirrup Street, they all laughed at him while calling him names. Though, when he went back into town the next day, they didn't even point and laugh at him again. Probably because they rarely see him.
Twilight stopped laughing. “Well thank you for helping me with my scrolls and everything. Hey, maybe we can meet up, and just hang out. I always love to make new friends, plus it will probably give me something to write about for Princess Celestia.” she asked with a bit of joy in her tone, waiting for an answer.
He was surprised to hear someone asking to hang out with him. He just didn't know what to say, even though he rarely talked. Twilight was patient, and waited for Big Mac to say something.
“Eyup.” Was all he could say about that.
“Okay, well then see you tomorrow, maybe around 3-ish?”
“Eyup.”
“Alright then, see you tomorrow Big Macintosh.” Twilight said as she walked past him and onto the Library.
For the first time, Big Mac felt excited to actually have a someone to talk to, and to hang out with. He just hopes that tomorrow will be what he expects.
Just from the first paragraph, I can offer this for advice, at least. Brush up on your grammar. Here's a corrected version of the first paragraph, for example:
It was any normal day in the town of Ponyville. The ponies would go and do the regular things they do everyday (Needs better description than that. It's VERY vague, and totally unnecessary with the sentence before it) : do their work, talk to their best friends, or some other kind of thing (Again, too vague. Not needed as is.). Take Big Macintosh for example. He does only one thing everyday: work at Sweet Apple Acres. As you can tell, he’s a quiet type of stallion. Sure, he would sometimes go into Ponyville, but only for business. He wasn’t the type of pony you could get into a serious conversation (The second in makes 'into' redundant, not to mention that you don't end a sentence with a preposition...). Almost everypony already knew what he was going to say when they asked him a simple question: 'Eyup' or 'nope.'
I haven't read anything else yet, but you said you wanted a critique, so before I go further, just realize that I'm going to TRY to look past the grammar, but it's something you should really work on. Getting a pre-reader/editor would help a lot as well.
Aww why you be hatin' on Big Mac like that.
Some technical notes, first. You have a couple spotty verb tenses near the beginning that could use some correction. "Eyup, or nope." should be "Eyup," or, "Nope." as they are separate quotations.
I don't terribly like the premise that Big Mac is a complete shut in, I don't think it fits what we see in the show, but I'll follow and see where you go with it. If it leads to a fun story, I suppose I can forgive you.
Okay, some more stuff that is ALSO grammar related, but different at the same time... Tense usage. You need to chose a tense and stick with it the entire chapter. Just using the last paragraph as an example, you said: 'For the first time, Big Mac felt excited to actually have a someone to talk to, and to hang out with. He just hopes that tomorrow will be what he expects.'
He FELT EXCITED, but HOPES that tomorrow will be what he expects? No, just... No. It would be, 'Big Mac felt excited to actually have somepony to talk to, and hang out with. He just hoped that tomorrow would be what he was expecting.'
I wish I could help more, but until you get your grammar into better shape, I can't. I'm sorry, but I get caught up in grammar easily, so it's just too distracting to notice other problems. Good luck though, dude! It takes guts to post your story for all to see and criticize, so just try to take what is said and grow from it, alright? Good luck! /]
Concept's done to death, but to be honest, so has the premise to my fic! You might want to use paragraphs, and as the others have said, improve your grammatical standards.
347615>>347630>>347654 Common you guys need to give PROS with your CONS .
I like it so far. Look forward to more and this should be fun!
347937 In self-defense, I DID say I have trouble following any story with grammar problems. It's hard to say something positive when you're too distracted by grammar to notice anything else that he could potentially be doing well. It's not that I don't WANT to give positive remarks, it's that I just can't see anything as it is. I'm sorry if it insults you, but at least I was able to tell him WHY I had trouble reading it, and how to correct it. That's more than all of MY stories on Deviant Art ever got. All THEY would ever say is 'good job', or 'woohoo', or 'great job my fellow'. Sorry, but as somepony who wants to GROW, that wasn't helping me. Nopony was telling me what I was doing wrong, or what I was doing right. I can't see what he did right, so I did what I could, simple as that.
I like the idea but I agree that the grammar needs to be fixed but I think you'll fix these mistakes with the next chapter. Good Luck!
Thanks for telling me to improve on my grammer, and sentances everyone. I'll try to improve on all of that.
347654 Thanks for the support. I was kind of nervous to submit this anyway since it's my first fan fic. But thank you for pointing out my grammer.
I can't really say much that hasn't already been said. Just improve on your grammar and i'm not sure but i felt mac was a little ooc
gooood can't wait for next chapter, like many people have said before me, grammar seemed to be the only issue. Please update soon!
I will also say this.
One major problem is that you mentioned Flim and Flam.
She already knows him.
In the first episode, she met him.
Flim and Flam appear in an episode after "Lesson Zero", where she specifically asks him for help.
Giving this a another read! :D