stanku
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Good Job! Guessing there's a second part? If there is; I would love to read it.
3789053
There most likely shall be, although I have no idea how soon. Thanks for the compliment though!
Highly recommend you split that into two chapters.
>22k words
terminally-incoherent.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/areyouawizard.png
3789880
Unlike in most clopfics, I tried to treat sex in this one as a symptom, as a fixation that overrides the other drives and creates a vacuum inside the mane character. The focus is on the this becoming-symptom of sex, not on the pleasure of it, although I admit that I still tried to make it hot (nopony would read unhot clopfic). Still, the clop is a plot device in the form of a problem and not of a climatic solution, and that's why this story is different.
3789868 Perhaps... although I thought that with the bookmark thing available and all, the length wouldn't present a huge problem. I'm in a hurry now, but maybe later.
3789929
You mean the bookmark that's never worked?
3789943 The same, although I had no idea it was broken. Eep!
3789957 you looked at too much Cp and now you pay the price
This story deserves way more ups than its got. I love this story, there is nothing I can say against it. The sex was amazingly written, and the story was very sweet. I'm glad to put this in my favorites.
I think I'm going to check out your other stuff now.
3791731
Aww, thanks! Really, that warms my heart. This might indeed be the best story I've written on this site. The first ones are kind of meh: It took a while before I got hold of my own style for pony fics. The Device for Divine I like, however: I recommend you start there.
3789957
something to do with referer in header; keeps people from posting content on others sites that swallow bandwidth :v
refreshing won't work v:
3792440
Whoah, that is a lot of comments. I'm flattered that you went through the trouble of making them.
There has actually been some controversy about this, even on this site. Real ponies certainly have hard hooves, and even the shows's ponies make that clip-clop sound when they walk on hard surface, but we have seen their hooves getting hurt, raw even, as if there was some soft tissue in there somewhere. But who knows.
It's a wonder, I'm sure. I'm going to find out in the future chapters. After all, the ponies can fence and stuff... And these two boxers are unicorns, so magic is an easy way out. But we shall see.
Perhaps... but nothing in the fragment really hints that her mother is dead, although definetly there is something grave between the two going on. I haven't decided yet, actually.
Is that not a thing in English? I thought I had heard it used somewhere... but perhaps I'm mixing the languages again.
Most liekely, but with ponies, who can tell? Anyhow, Luna seems to have a special way of distributing justice. Not by the law, but by the love.
Well, something like that had floated in my mind for a while.
I glad that you liked the fic. I'm in a bit of a hurry now, so I couldn't get to all of your comments, although a number of them would have deserved a comment on my part, I find. Anyway, thanks for pointing out the typos and awkward sentence structures. There will definetly be a sequel for this story.
Hmmm... Interesting. Will keep reading
Are you looking for a proofreader? Because I'm available if you want one.
3852727 Sure I'd be glad to have one. You can send me to the comments via PM, or if you want to make them in gdocks, tell me and I'll send you the link.
3899876
It's an interesting question of what the ponies think of equality and I have to confess that I don't have a thoroughly thought out view on this. Could be that I have to disagree with myself at some point, but it feels safe to say that the Royal Guard feels kind of subordinated to their sovereigns. Or at least the Day Guard does.
I was thinking of medieval ecclesiastical (catholic) courts and how they were organized. It felt neat to me that the courts of old Canterlot might resemble such theological order.
Yeah, I love to mess with the canon alicorns; I can't help but to think that behind the shining surface there hides a creture of inequine (inhuman) origin, a creature that has to hide oneself in smiles and courtesy. However, I also think that the canonical Luna is more reserved than Celestia, which was an impression I was trying to create in the story.
A creative innovation of mine. Is it awful? Although it sounds fine in my mothertongue, I have no idea whether this is the case in English. Propably it isn't.
Thanks again for the comments and the praises! I'm slowly learning to respect the rules of the English sentence structures, although at times I'm still helplessly blind to them. It really helps when somepony points out my errors like you did. And nah, I didn't find your message too long; it only makes me feel flattered that you'd go through the trouble of noting all that stuff.
3933767
Compared to a pony who has never drank cider, I think your view is more correct. I shall try to get my facts right in the future.
Honey Lake's not too manipulative, I hope? Granted, I often find myself in trouble when depicting female characters and their personalities.
Stop it, doge. I get all blushed.
Out of all the grammatical flaws you found, this one was actually intended, and for the exact reason you mentioned. It seems that I had more flaws in the chapter four than usual; I need to top up my vigilance.
Don't worry, you did great. I only hope that it wasn't my story that kept you awake.
Well, seeing how much you've done for me already, I kind of consider you as my proofreader already. I'm actually going to add your alias on the front page, if you don't mind? As is, I have a proofreader already, but if you'd like to make all your comments before the publishing, that is all fine by me. And since you have a knack of spotting flaws that both I and the other PR have missed, I'd very much appreciate such a move.
I don't really consider myself a multilingual... my mother tongue just isn't English.
3933854
That's why they make the best discussions. What parts exactly did you think were closer to the canonical Luna?
And I'm Finnish, btw.
3935499
Ah, I was under the impression that "tho" sounded different than "though", but if they don't differ in pronunciation... Good to remember.
I'll link the next chapter to you once I finish it; this should happen during the weekend, at the very least. Read it when you have the time/interest.
But what is this "noire vibe" you speak of? I didn't get that comment.
3935863 Thanks for compliment. Yeah I know the noire genre, I just couldn't make the conncetion between that and this fic.
3943242
Hahhahah... Yeah, I suppose it kind of is. No pun intended, though.
Nah, it was more like a desperate and a tired impression that I tried to create.
I don't know... It just felt natural, Jade being a coach driver and all.
Got to keep 'em on their toes. This fic wasn't originally meant to be a clopfic (I just thought referring to sex in a way I did in this scene), but then I got curious of how it might feel to write porn. It turns out to be quite fun, although I try to use it with moderation.
It is. I didn't remember the correct idiom at the time so I came up with a new one. Hazardous, I know, but I love to dress creativity as laziness.
We shall see.
I totally got the meaning of "considerate" wrong; thanks for pointing that out (and for the comments in general). The couple of sidesteps I made in narration were experimental in nature; kind of an attempt to break the fourth wall in literature. I'm a general fan of such anomalies, but I have to say that they are hard to execute, to glue as a natural part of the story. Therefore, a word of warning: Prepare to see more of that.
EDIT: Oh, and the flesh thing? Yeah, now that I think about it, the word doesn't quite catch the meaning I was going for... I need to refine that.
3944872
I do have this one fic with some gore in it. In general, I've found that writing about sex is harder than writing about violence. Pleasure has more shades in my eyes than fear and hate do, and I don't have the whole carnal palette in my hooves yet. Not that I could brag having the aforementioend fear and hate covered all that well, either...
I wonder if that happens a lot on this site.
The "Protagonist is secretly a racist" twist, I see. Heading down the path of grimderp?
4050038
Could be. I was thinking that Reg only started bitching because of desperation and frustration, but it's also true that I've tried to adress Equestrian racism in this story before. The scene with Fall and Jade was me dipping my toe into the theme.
Often I find that discussing racism is shunned and neglected in the fanfiction on FIM, even though the setting would be most ample for this. Three races that used to be split into warring tribes, one of which has a tendecy to lean towards arrogance? Was there ever a more demanding cry to talk about racism through fiction? I need to dive deeper into this.
4050761
Yes, but in the series the overt racism is relegated to the upper classes, and parts of it at that.
Of course, insidious racism is outright systemic - unicorns have almost every position of power, after all.
The largest problem with the writing here is that he picked a fight when he obviously couldn't win it; if racists were that stupid we wouldn't have them anymore.
4050819
But was racism really the motive that drove him to that doomed fight, or was it just a pretension to figth for fighting's sake? I don't believe Reg really cared about winning at that point, or about losing for that matter. He had already lost the thing he valued most; now he was searching for something else.
In a way, in my opinion, racism is not mere malice not hatred towards the diffent, but in a way it's always instrumental, a way to something else. I really like your point that while blatant and "pure" racism is quite rare in (the canonic) Equestria, the system as such has characteristics that aren't exactly egalitarian, that perhaps could be discussed under the label of racism.
Luna, in her shortsightedness, caused massive problems. With how you wrote her I would expect her to not care one iota even if she knew.
I disagree with your reading of her as callous and self-absorbed; she has always shown to care a great deal for others and how they feel, and it's beyond credibility for her to engage in vicarious fantasy fulfillment without checking up on the ponies she used as her playthings.
4050876
Hey bud you might want to take another look at the first chapter. You got all the text centered. Did you do that on purpose?
You also should add the OC tag to this story as well.
4172056 Whoops! However didn't I notice that? Oh well, thanks for pointing the fact out.
The OC label is missing because "only five characters allowed".
4172070
Not a problem bud.
Since this is an OC driven story I would say it definitely is.
4171403
I can concur that my reading of the two sister often falls on the sinister side, although perhaps I can argue for my choice of characterization a bit more deeply here. I didn't try to depict Luna as a heartless and indifferent towards the ponies she chose to guide, but rather her goal was to offer them as much space to make their own decision as possible. It's not that she doesn't care, it's just that she finds it necessary to keep her distance in what comes to the actual choices that the ponies make.
Take the case when she talked with Reg in the dungeons. While she knew that he would have great trouble getting over his hearbreak (although perhaps she didn't believe that he would go as far as he did), she didn't take a too patronizing attitude, instead resolving to let his emotions burn themselves out. It must be remembered that she is dealing with adults, not with fillies, here.
4172097 Yeah, you're right. I just felt soft about axing Cadance from the crew.
4172145
Yet there is a point where things go too far, and that has clearly long since passed. It does not matter that they are adults, as her decision to involve herself in their lives carries with it a responsibility to see the consequences through.
It became apparent almost immediately that he was not capable of handling what happened. Luna had a responsibility to see that he got the help he needed to deal with the emotional turmoil her actions caused. She did nothing. Now he has dropped out of school, taken up stalking, and started picking fights, yet she still does nothing.
Even Chillburn has been behaving erratically; making plans and then disregarding them, spurning others for no reason then throwing herself into a relationship with the next pony to show her any interest, keeping things secret from those who have a right to know, etc... these are all warning signs of mental health issues, yet Luna has done nothing.
She violated their privacy to spy on them at the start on a whim, but once her infertile-woman-gets-pregnant fetish was sated she showed them as much care and concern as a used tissue.
4172869
This doesn't really blunt the rest of your analysis, but actually Luna's interest towards Chillburn sprang from the complaints she and Celestia had received about her from the Canterlot's elite. One interpretation about her actions is that she was only really set to offer a quick fix to the problem (get CB preggies asap) and be done with it, for her real goal was to get the cream off her neck. I know that doesn't make Moonbut shine in any more favourable light, but honestly speaking, I never intended to pay that much attention to Luna in this fic anyway; thus her actions seem very arbitrary. I do have some other stories that dwell deeper on her figure, though.
So yeah, thinking back, I guess you're right.
4173023
If that was her goal then she's incompetent as a ruler as well. The nobles want CB gone because they've had their fun and now she's a liability to their reputation, so Luna caves to their will with no resistance.
The competent thing to do would be to handle the ones who complain by exposing them in a way that precludes covering up their behavior by eliminating CB. This could be accomplished simply by calling them out in public - call them into court to inform them that the crown has no desire to help them cover up their personal inability to keep it in their pants and out of whores.
You may not have intended for Luna to play a major role in the story, but you were rather committed to exactly that when you decided to have her play a major role in the story. Her absence now, after her keystone role in setting things in motion, is as conspicuous as it is troubling. It is a sort of twisted deus ex machina where the gods break everything before leaving suddenly, instead of arriving suddenly to fix them.
4173311 Now that you mention, it can be conceived as kind of weird that Luna wouldn't have a bigger part in the plot; certainly the story could be written to guarantee a stronger inclusion on her part. The funny thing is, I never missed her that much, mostly because I felt more like writing about Reg and Fall and Chillburn at the time. Anyway, it's interesting to notice how these paths could've taken their course in the story. Thanks for pointing out this one branch to me.
What comes to Luna's behaviour in this fic as a ruler, I'm not that certain if she did indeed act incopentently – it all really depends on how you look at it. On the other hoof, agitating the elite could be considered as a very naive move from her part. Also, I kind of hint in the story (although I don't claim to have stated this directly) that Celestia also prefered to see CB quite her profession. And who's to say that the elite wants CB gone just because of double morality? Certainly some of them have used her services, but mayhaps the majority just considers prostituting as a bad thing as such.
4173430
If they wanted her out of the city I am quite sure they could accomplish that without royal involvement. However, attempting to force her out directly would almost certainly result in her deciding to publicly out the ones behind it. Going through the crown serves the dual purpose of providing a front which makes it difficult to determine who was behind it while also putting her in the position of having to spite the crown in order to exact revenge on the responsible parties.
Every person shown in the story who wanted her out of Canterlot was or was motivated by somebody who used her services. The issue of morality never entered into it.
Luna's strength as a ruler is directly proportional to her ability to pressure the nobles. More specifically, she is not ruling the country if other people can force her hand so easily. Giving ground invites further demands, whereas countering to pressure with pressure prevents loss of power. Embarrassing nobles who made petty demands (Specifically, demands for actions which could well be considered corrupt) could result in a backlash, but would serve to discourage others from attempting to coerce the crown.
Even simply ignoring their demands, or telling them no in private would have been tenable positions. However, by allowing herself to be coerced into enacting a coverup of even a petty matter such as the embarrassing (but not illegal) indiscretions of nobles, Luna has shown that she is a laughably weak ruler. Concessions will be extracted because concessions can be extracted. Ultimately, it shows that she isn't even a ruler so much as a puppet of the noble houses.
Celestia hasn't played any real role in this story. She has no vested interest in CB or Reg, and could quite reasonably know nothing of what is going on here. In fact, a reader would reasonably expect Celestia to not get involved.
This reminds me of being 11 years old and looking at a fanfiction.net category with 30 fics and one of them just being waaaaaay darker than all the rest. If chillburn's antics were caused by her fertility problems I can't imagine what messed up things happened to RS and Axiom. RS is a curiosity but we Axiom I can totally recognize. We've all had that asshole professor that would obbsesivley chase a hooker and justify his cruelty.
4434774
I confess that I had Dickens in mind while writing about Axiom. CB could perhaps be stitched together from all the random animes I've seen. Reg propably has an x amount of myself poured into him. Overall, I've been very pleased with how the (OC) characters turned out in this fic.
Btw, the story should be coming to an end of sorts in a few chapters, and the next one is being proofread at the moment.
I have no words for this chapter.....not that it wasn't a good job by the author, but the story blew my mind in this one
4483751 Oh? Why was that?
I'm having a hard time accepting that this mare faked love for reg to get a child. Then she has the gull to call him the bad pony when he gets pissed and comes looking for her. It just messes with me a little.....(sorry, YES I sometimes get deep with some of the stories I read
)
K. I'm gonna say this straight up: that was one of the best clop scenes I've ever read.
Other than that, I love your writing style, and I'm interested to see where this goes.
4889272 Which one? The threesome in the alley? Anyway, thanks! This was the first clopfic I wrote, and at the time I was worried that it wouldn't work out.
Btw, the last chapter should be coming out in a week or so.
I couldn't read that clop scene....
It hurt me.
4889558 I'm not so sure I wanna read this anymore, cause I've felt like I've been physically in pain while I was reading the last few chapters. I thought that Reg and Chillburn were gonna end up together, but now I can see that's not the case....
.......fucking Thunderlane....
No offense to you, but I hate when a story ends with "then he/she died". Yeah I know it's your story and some stories don't have happy endings, but I seriously despise that ending. I'm probably gonna get an explanation for this in the next chapter, but I'm just putting this out there
4915129 Yeah, I'm not in love with the ending either. However, I had to finish the story somehow, and sometimes you're just left with bad choices, mostly because you played yourself into a corner.
Anyway, discounting the epilogue, this was the last chapter. I forgot to mark it Complete.
Sorry.
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