Pinkie Pie loves nothing above throwing parties, seeing you smile and hearing you laugh. It is her purpose in life and she knew it, not that it bothered her. She is very happy with it. She is doing an excellent job at it, too.
It did not take Pinkie Pie long, before she knew her place and purpose, keeping every Pony in Ponyville smile happily and laugh at her silly antics. If you laugh at her or with her wasn’t any real difference, you laugh.
She is very hard to resist, when she put her mind to anything. In part, due to her never really forgetting anything. Connecting the dots in order to have you dance to her tune is foals play, isn’t it. When you know any and all intimately in the way Pinkie Pie knew you.
Now Pinkie Pie had a new idea, she wanted to throw more parties, but Ponyville had been all booked up which leads her to go out on a hunt for parties. Where is she going next, none is safe, there will be a new party, and you are bound to be laughing. Resistance is futile.
I read your story, it was great! You go into detail a whole lot, which I find amazing! Although there wasn't much interaction between characters, you seem pretty good with that, too. You seem to have a definite plot for the story, which I admire in a writer. While the story was good , there were a few things I had noticed about your writing.
1. Verb tensing.
In several places, you change from either present to past or vice versa. While it is acceptable to change tenses as you change paragraphs, you do it within paragraphs. For example:
2. Incomplete sentences.
You have sentence fragments in a few places in the story, most of them lacking a subject. For example:
3. Awkward phrasing.
In some places, you have sentences worded a bit weirdly. Usually this can be fixed by just reading your story out loud while looking it over. If something doesn't sound right, it's probably wrong. For example:
*this is also tense-change
Whelp, that's all I caught. The story's great, and I would love to see where this goes! Upvote/track!
5390389 Thanks for pointing out issues you felt could be done better than I originally wrote it.
On second thought, I made a few changes along the lines in order to streamline the tenses, even if some details are talking about what had been done before the story takes place, while most of the rest is whathappens as she is there.
For now, I can't come up with any way to express points Two and Three.
I picked up a few more details, just a few minor once, but I got them as I was looking for what you pointed out.
This chapter didn't feel like a section that requires all that much dialogue since it is about Pinkie Pie preparing, rather than interacting with others.
I enjoy sprinkling details in my stories. I try my best to paint thepicture of whatis going on, choosing the words I feel bringing the story to life. Partof the challenge is in realising that most of my readers haven't read all the other stories.
There is an Easter Egg at the end of the chapter, if you noticed it.
5391269 No problem! I've always liked editing, so it's no hassle on me. It's not like there was that much to be fixed in your story to begin with.
Do I sense foreshadowing?
And about the Easter egg, eh... I'm not usually one to quickly pick up on references
5391902 Thanks, I guess this would say that I do develope my writing, dispite what some Neigh-sayers like to say? Even if this may be just one of my latest stories actually published. Even a quich reading through and pointing at scattered insidents would still be of great help for me and my writing, I think.
A foreshadowing is permitted, I am not pointing out future events. The story would be better with more dialoge overall, this is a story about the party, after all. Just that she was preparing most of it on her own.
I take it most of us knows that Pinie Pies's full nameis 'Pinkamena Diana Pie', so when she leaves Equestria, Ponykind and even us Brownies (Pegasisters) behind, she commonly goes by Diana.
If you never saw the show named 'V', which went on the air somewhere in the 80's, I think it was, no wonder if you did not pick up on this. The other leader was named Lydia. Some of us who speak languages other than English may find something fun in the name, on second though.
5392929 Well, yeah. If you've been writing as many stories as you, then of course you'll improve! Ignore the neigh-sayers. At this point, they have no reason to say you haven't improved from the time you wrote your first story.
Oh, I see. So about how long do you want the story to be?
Yeah, I could see how her going by Pinkie Pie would raise more than a few questions
Ah, can't say I have. I was born in '95, and never really watched TV shows from the '80s. But I think some of the older bronies should be able to pick up on the reference.
5392976 I gues that is why we call them Neigh-Sayers? They don't really add all that much to the conversation either.
I would have to include a party into the story. Then I think I need another chapter to lead up to it and one for an 'Epilogue', or it wouldn't be complete.
She may be enjoying the attention as such, but it would be so much of it in all the wrong places it would defeat the purpose for her. She went out in order to spread joy and laugher, not merely to grab attention, after all.
I like to have her out in this capacity. So long as the currency is joy, her Generocity is infinit and without borders. We have seen her going out of her way, just for the one smile, she doesn't even care if he was not a Pony but a cranky Donkey or a Griffon.
I may make this into a sequel nd add more sequels to the overall story line later, if and when I choose to. I think there is a story that could serve as prequel, thus explaining a few details, even if it mainly are small details at this point. The story may be better as a Stand-Alone anyway?
I chose to use the name based on a few comments, aside from the fact that her name goes well with similiar names, just like Lydia for a female, while I could have made a run for Will(or William) if I had chosen a male for the post? It would have changed the colour of the Egg-shell, but the egg is still there. Probably a larger audience for him, than Lydia?
On the other hoof, there may be other Egs with a Diana in them?