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It's been a year when Chris, Twilight, Mark, and Applejack got married and now they have return to cantralot with their children Appleheart and Starynight Sparkle but when a new enemy comes it's up to them along with the princesses, and the rest of the mane six to stop him.
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I LOVE IT!!!
3849292 thanks man
Will Atkinson i got a question are you going to be able to make chapters for this story and your another two stories that are incomplete
3853668 yes I have been going here and there like if find myself in a writers block on one of them then I can go and do the others. it keeps me busy
3853911 ok
3853919 I hope you like the names of the two foals me and will picked out.
3856054 i do
3856059 Great.
3856080 yeah
3856117 just wait the second chapter is where it gets a little entrusting
3870632 ok
i like it and i hope that Rarity and Chris plan works so Spike and Sweetie Belle can be together
Aw yeah! This has got better.
YES!
4091762 I hope so to.
4100740 ok
Awesome!
Oh, YES! This is great.
I was redirected here from Plan 9 From Equestria.
I was going to give a short critique of this, given its presence in the folders of our illustrious group Plan 9 from Equestria (or something to that effect), but realized it was the second in a series. As such, I'm instead going to be joining you momentarily in the original.
With steadfast loyalty,
Pirate King Fowler
Here's the thing. This is the sequel to a not-so-successful story which if anything has garnered a lot more dislikes than the original. Now, if you're writing for yourself or for a small fanbase there's nothing wrong with that but if you want this to reach a larger audience it needs some serious work.
The first problem is, unless you've read the original, we know nothing of the characters in this story. They are literally thrown in there and we're supposed to know who they are and what significance they hold. While I say that giving infodumps about characters is bad, sometimes it's necessary to add little things to the story to explain who this people are and why they hell they're in Equestria?
The second problem is... the story itself. There's no way to get around this but you really need to learn how to write before attempting to do anything else. The four of them return to Canterlot from... elsewhere and we're greeted with this exchange:
Do you see the problem here beyond the obvious grammatical issues? If not, look closer specifically to the dialogue. Still don't see it? I'll have to spell it out for you, "nobody talks that way". This is stilted and unnatural plus you commit the grievous sin of giving us an infodump in the form of these characters having kids now which I assume happened sometime between the first story and this one. Now I'm going to assume that you are either Chris or Mark, whether that's your real name or not. I'm also going to assume that you don't speak this way. It's a common mistake for new writers to not write dialogue well. Try writing as you speak and more importantly as your established characters speak. If you can hear yourself say the lines you've written, then you're off to a good start.
But it's not just that. This also suffers from "talking head syndrome". It's just, "so and so said this". "Somepony else said that". "Anotherpony said whatever". Again, nothing happens other than these people, or ponies in this case, talking. What you need to do is give us actions while this happens. Show, don't tell. For example, you could have written it like this:
See the difference? There's dialogue, characters, stuff going on when characters aren't speaking.
The rest of the story is not much better than this with single lines of dialogue where nobody speaks like they're supposed to, a tiny bit of exposition and freaking youtube videos embedded in it. This is just one step down from making reference to some pop-culture concept although a step up from using different colors depending on who is speaking.
Really, you need a lot of work on this.
The scene with Shadowflames was a reference to the introduction of Morgana in Disney's The Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea, wasn't it?
5679614 yes it is
5679827 I love this chapter and the story a lot keep it up and up load more chapters when u find time