A Dream Come True 2

by Will Atkinson

Chapter 5

A Dream Come True 2
By: Will Atkinson

Chapter 5

As Appleheart arrived back at Canterlot he saw Celestia's guards with flyers saying have you seen prince Appleheart.

(Oh great, my family must have sent the guards to try to find me, well all I have to do is to make sure they don't recognize me in this cloak.) Appleheart said to himself.

Just then one of the guards approached him and said.

"Excuse me stranger, have you seen this pony?" He asked.

Appleheart looked at his own picture and then in a deep voice he said.

"No, uh sorry I have not seen that pony sir."

"Very well but just to let you know there is a huge reward if any pony can find him," said the guard as he trotted away.

("Men that was close.") Appleheart sighed with relief.

Just then he heard a mare screaming in a dark ally and went to investigate. When Appleheart saw the mare he saw her getting hurt by a couple of ruff looking ponies.

"Hey, get off of her now," shouted Appleheart.

The two ponies stopped and looked at Appleheart.

"HAHAHA!!!! Well look what we've got here Pete, another pony to beat up."

"Yeah Rollin, let's teach him to not interfere in our business."

"Look guys I don't want any trouble here, just leave that poor mare alone alright or else I'm gonna have to hurt you two," said Appleheart.

Hearing that Pete and Rollin laughed.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Did you here that Pete?" Asked Rollin.

"Yeah Rollin, this runt thinks that he can stop us," said Pete.

"Well then come on Pete, let's show him that he can't tell us what to do."

As Pete and Rollin trotted towards Appleheart, he just shook his head and decided to give them a taste of his new alicorn magic.

"Well I tried to be nice, but I can see that you guys want to do this the hard way," he said, as he charged up his horn.

Then before Pete and Rollin could land a punch on Appleheart they suddenly got lifted off the ground.

"Hey put us down you punk," said Rollin.

Just as he said that Appleheart smiled underneath his hood.

"You two want down? Ok I'll put you two down."

With that he released his magic on them and they went down to the ground hard. As Pete and Rollin got up they saw Appleheart coming towards them.

"Now I advise you two should leave if you want to take another ride."

With that Pete and Rollin both trotted away as fast as they could, then Appleheart turned his attention to the mare. She was a black unicorn with a blue mane and tail, her cutie mark was a heart, her eyes where a beautiful shade of purple.

"Are you alright miss?" Asked Appleheart.

The unicorn looked up at Appleheart and said.

"Yes, thanks to you mister."

Appleheart smiled and said.

"Your welcome, now if you excuse me I'll be going now."

As Appleheart started to walk off the unicorn stopped him.

"Wait um my name is Catherine by the way. What's yours?"

"My name is not important I'm on a mission to get a book from the frozen north," said Appleheart.

When Catherine heard that she was socked.

"What? but how can a book be so important?" She asked.

"Because my father is an alicorn and my mother is an earth pony, but unfortunately I was born a peguses instead of an alicorn. So I need to get that book so I can be a full alicorn," said Appleheart.

"Oh, I see but wait how were you able to use magic then?" Asked Catherine.

"Because a friend from the land of the dragons used his magic to make me an alicorn, but the affects are only temporary," said Appleheart.

"I think I understand now and I would like to come with you," said Catherine.

When she said that Appleheart looked back at her.

"Sorry but I work alone."

"What?" Asked Catherine, shocked to hear that he wanted to fine the book alone.

"You heard me, I said I work alone."

"But I still don't see why I can't come along?"

(I stand alone from Quest for Camelot)

(Appleheart)
I know the sound of each rock and stone,
I embrace what others fear,
For you were not to roam
in this forgotten place,
Just the likes of me
are welcome here,

Everything breathes
and I know each breath,
To me it means life,
to others it's death,
It's perfectly balanced,
perfectly planned,
More than enough for this man...

Like every tree stands on its own,
Reaching for the sky
I stand alone,
I share my world
with no one else,
All by myself,
I stand alone,

I've seen your world
with these very eyes,
Don't come any closer,
don't even try,
I've felt all the pain
and heard all the lies,
But in my world
there's no compromise,

Like every tree stands on its own,
Reaching for the sky
I stand alone,
I share my world
with no one else,
All by myself
I stand alone,
All by myself
I stand alone.

As Appleheart set off to get some warm clothes, so he could get going to the frozen north he saw Catherine following him.

*Sigh* "You won't stop until you come with me, will you?" Asked Appleheart.

"Nope," said Catherine.

"Alright fine you can come, but only you do exactly as I say,"

Catherine looked at Appleheart and nodded.

"Alright, I'll do exactly what you say."

With that Appleheart and Catherine set off to the market place, once there the owner greeted them.

"Ah hello young ones and what can I do you two for?" She asked.

"We're here to buy some clothes suitable for going to the frozen north," said Appleheart.

"Oh I see well I do have some great snow coats in my store, so come in and see what you like," said the owner.

"Thank you," said Catherine, as she and Appleheart went into the mare's shop.

As they looked in the shop they found lots of clothes until they found the clothes that they were looking for.

"Hmmmm this one looks good," said Appleheart as he looked at a winter coat that matched his mane and tail.

"Oh good choice on that coat, it's one of the best," said the owner.

"And what about this one?" Asked Catherine, as she levitated a pink winter coat.

With that Appleheart and Catherine bought the coats and set off to the train station to go to the frozen north. back at the place Applejack, Chris, Twilight, Mark, and their friends were waiting for news about Appleheart.

"Don't worry Applejack, I'm sure that Appleheart is alright," said Fluttershy.

"Yeah I mean he's just probably out in Canterlot looking at all of the stores and stuff," said Rainbow Dash.

Applejack just sighed.

"I know I should not worry but if anything happens to Appleheart I will never forgive myself."

Just then the guards came back from Canterlot.

"Well did you find him?" Asked Celestia.

The guards just shook their heads.

"We're sorry your majesty but we looked all over and no sign of him," said Flash Sentry.

"Then we should widen the search from Ponyville to the Crystal Empire," said Luna.

"Auntie Luna is right, we should widen the search now," said Starlight.

With that the guards saluted and set off to widen the search for Appleheart.

"Um Celestia?" Asked Twilight.

"Yes, what is it Twilight?" Asked Celestia.

"Well we were thinking and we all want to go and search for Appleheart."

"That's a great idea twilight, we all should search but remember we need to watch out for Shadowflames, cause he can be anywhere," said Celestia.

With that they all set off to find Appleheart. Meanwhile at the train station Appleheart and Catherine were in line to get tickets to go to frozen north.

"Next," said the stallion in the ticket window.

"Well we're next," said Appleheart.

"So where are you two heading?" Asked the ticket stallion.

"We are heading to the frozen north," said Catherine.

"I see, but I'm afraid that Van Hoover is the end of the line for the train," said the ticket stallion.

"Then we will take two tickets there and we will walk to the frozen north," said Appleheart.

With that the ticket stallion gave them two tickets and then they set off for Van Hoover. As the two found their seats Catherine asked Appleheart.

"Are you still not going to tell me your name?"

Applehart looked at Catherine and said.

"Oh, oh right my name is Appleheart."

"Appleheart, the one that the guards in Canterlot were looking for?" Asked Catherine.

"Yes."

"So wait a minute that stuff you said when we first met in the ally, but why are you hiding from the guards?" Catherine asked.

"Because I was afraid that if they saw me as an alicorn they and my family wouldn't understand why I am doing this," said Appleheart.

"I see."

"So speaking of family, what about your family Catherine?" Asked Appleheart.

When Catherine heard that Appleheart wanted to hear about her family she turned away from him and looked outside.

"Catherine, what's wrong?"

Catherine looked at Appleheart and said in a sad voice.

"It's just that, I hardly even knew my family."

Appleheart was shocked.

"What? What happened?" He asked.

"All I know is that I was taken out of my bed when I was little by some short of dark pony and that's all I can remember what happen to me," Catherine said sadly.

"Oh Catherine I'm so sorry," said Appleheart as he hugged her.

"Thanks Appleheart." said Catherine.

"Your welcome."

With that they went to sleep so they could be ready to be at Van Hoover tomorrow.

Comments

[chrisharte97]

Oh, YES! This is great.

[DAMN HAMSTER]

I was redirected here from Plan 9 From Equestria.

[Pirate Jesus]

I was going to give a short critique of this, given its presence in the folders of our illustrious group Plan 9 from Equestria (or something to that effect), but realized it was the second in a series. As such, I'm instead going to be joining you momentarily in the original.

With steadfast loyalty,
Pirate King Fowler

[Blackguard]

Here's the thing. This is the sequel to a not-so-successful story which if anything has garnered a lot more dislikes than the original. Now, if you're writing for yourself or for a small fanbase there's nothing wrong with that but if you want this to reach a larger audience it needs some serious work.

The first problem is, unless you've read the original, we know nothing of the characters in this story. They are literally thrown in there and we're supposed to know who they are and what significance they hold. While I say that giving infodumps about characters is bad, sometimes it's necessary to add little things to the story to explain who this people are and why they hell they're in Equestria?

The second problem is... the story itself. There's no way to get around this but you really need to learn how to write before attempting to do anything else. The four of them return to Canterlot from... elsewhere and we're greeted with this exchange:

"Oh wow I can't believe that we are finally back home." Said Twilight.

"Yes and we all have a special surprise for everypony and that is for them to see our kids." Said Chris.

"This is going to be the best reunion ever." Said Mark.

"I couldn't agree more sugarcube." Said Applejack.

Do you see the problem here beyond the obvious grammatical issues? If not, look closer specifically to the dialogue. Still don't see it? I'll have to spell it out for you, "nobody talks that way". This is stilted and unnatural plus you commit the grievous sin of giving us an infodump in the form of these characters having kids now which I assume happened sometime between the first story and this one. Now I'm going to assume that you are either Chris or Mark, whether that's your real name or not. I'm also going to assume that you don't speak this way. It's a common mistake for new writers to not write dialogue well. Try writing as you speak and more importantly as your established characters speak. If you can hear yourself say the lines you've written, then you're off to a good start.

But it's not just that. This also suffers from "talking head syndrome". It's just, "so and so said this". "Somepony else said that". "Anotherpony said whatever". Again, nothing happens other than these people, or ponies in this case, talking. What you need to do is give us actions while this happens. Show, don't tell. For example, you could have written it like this:

The four made their way to Canterlot in a Royal golden carriage. Twilight was almost giddy with anticipation, not only at seeing Princess Celestia again but also because of the extra passengers they were bringing. She looked at her husband, Chris and smiled only to have the smile returned to her. She took his hoof in hers and said, "I can't believe we're finally back home!"

Chris couldn't help but give her a gentle kiss before responding, "everypony is going to be really surprised when they see our foals, " he looked over at the seat next to them where their foals were sleeping.

"The young 'uns were so excited ta be able to see Canterlot that they couldn't sleep last night. Can't say I blame them though, It's always good to come back here, " said Applejack as she lay back against her husband. A soft snore from behind her told her all she needed that her husband was also in the middle of a nap. "Hey you, " she said giving him a bit of a nudge, "we're almost there".

"Hmmm?" Mark said blearily as he woke up and looked around. "We almost there?" He yawned greatly and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. The carriage stopped and a burst of fanfare came from outside. "I'll take that as a yes, " he remarked dryly as the door was opened and they made their way out to greet those that showed up to see them.

See the difference? There's dialogue, characters, stuff going on when characters aren't speaking.

The rest of the story is not much better than this with single lines of dialogue where nobody speaks like they're supposed to, a tiny bit of exposition and freaking youtube videos embedded in it. This is just one step down from making reference to some pop-culture concept although a step up from using different colors depending on who is speaking.

Really, you need a lot of work on this.

[Will Atkinson]

5679614 yes it is

[ponylover2]

5679827 I love this chapter and the story a lot keep it up and up load more chapters when u find time