• Member Since 26th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen April 8th

RedRaven


Bruh/Brem

E

Thunder & Lightning are brothers who have never gotten along, but when a blizzard comes to Ponyville, they have to work together to survive. Thunder is known to fail at everything though, so how the heck can Lightning survive with him? (This is the story about 2 of my Ocs)

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 23 )

Note: I have faved this but only because it looks promising and I wish to read it but have no time to do so now, if I add it to my Read Later list, it'll get lost amongst the many.

I'll edit this comment when I have read it :twilightsmile:

4023578 Ok thanks! :pinkiehappy::heart:
I know the feeling. I know the feeling.
I do the same thing :scootangel:

4023593

No problem, just figured I'd let you know in case you thought I read it already :rainbowwild:

4023611
Ok, and I LOVE your profile pic BTW :pinkiehappy:

I love it:twilightsmile: keep up the good work:pinkiesmile:

Just a girl who loves Mlp, Pokemon

MLP, Pokemon

*instant follow, favouriting, liking all the story*
MARRY ME

This is pretty good so far. Can`t wait to see more and thunder looks like the better brother so far.

4023622

Thanks! Also, filly Fluttershy ftw! :3

thumbs up from me

4052886 Did you like it :raritystarry:

4052913
Thunder or Lightning?

I like this! The story seems very well written, and I only spotted one or two times when the wording could have been better, but overall, great grammar. The plot, I'm sure, will reveal itself more with the coming chapters, but I can't tell if they're going to stay home and fight, or go out in the blizzard and fight... but it's not a big deal because... it's the first chapter. I like the characters, you've really... given them depth for having only read one small chapter with them in it. As for who I like better... um... I can't pick. I like how free spirited Thunder is, but I think he might end u being to reckless. I like how cautious and concerned Lightning is, but I feel he might be to... uh... stuck up? I think? But anyway, amazing story! Can't wait to see more!

Oh yeah. Also, I think if your going to mention the death of their little sister, and the possible death of their parents... I dunno... just seeing a comedy and adventure tag kind of doesn't seem fitting, but I don't know how you would fix that. I guess to depends if the parents are actually going to die tonight...

4052948 HE reminds me of myself

Right, a quick review from a quick read of this -

I can begin with appluading the technical standards you have. Grammar, spellings, few to no typos or homonym errors - clearly this has been proofread.

The story itself doesn't hold up as well. It's manically fast, skimming over or outright forgetting character establishing introductions and impressions. We are told here is a guy we've never met before, and in two short paragraphs you outright narrate (hiss, for raw narration like this is bad) to us that he feels this that and the other.

Except he doesn't feel anything, not that we can see. You've told us, but that hardly means anything.

Thunder Thrash and Lightning Lash. I do like the names, as a small point.

The dialogue - the mood is surreal (not in a good way) and whips about from dead little sister to petty arguments to not so petty arguments about long-standing familial friction to 37 wins in Halo to 'oh yeah, maybe we should be worried about if our parents are dead in a blizzard or not?'. If a real person's mood and tone changed with such mercurial suddeness I'd be terrified.

Take time to establish your characters. Suddenly it's a blizzard outside, and suddenly it's a physical description. Suddenly it's running fifteen minutes late, then suddenly it's a shouting match with a suddenly introduced brother who suddenly introduces a not-suddenly dead little sister and then suddenly Halo. There's too many suddenlys.

You need to pace yourself, and think about what you want to achieve and how you're going to do it, at a speed that isn't going to cause the plot to shred itself to pieces.

You want to introduce a character? - alright, so show us what he looks like and what he does as he navigates the blizzard. Show us if he's in his element, or very much not.
You want to show us that the blizzard is fierce and snowy? Well then show us how it affects him, and the world around him, like the lake being frozen, and his house at the edge of Ponyville.
You want to introduce to us that Thunder has issues with his familiy in their house at the edge of Ponyville? Then show us how he has mixed feelings and acts on edge when he gets home, maybe is prickly and acerbic with his brother.
You want to introduce his brother? Then take the chance for action and dialogue and expression that shows us that what they're like, how they talk and act with one another.

Otherwise the story is just a quick fire procession of undeveloped, barely related moments, like someone scrolling through channels on a tv, making a reader trying to construct a viable story from the disparate images as the screen flickers through each show.

Also, how is sunlight glittering off the frozen lake if it's pitch black outside?

I do like the names, and the idea behind the premise, and the fact that from a purely grammatical standpoint the story is good. But what you need for the rest of it to be good too know what the story you want to write is, what moods to establish and when to do it, and to not flit about like a manic moth but instead give yourself a sense of controlled, planned, and sensible progression through important scenes and situations.

You could submit this to one of the reviewing groups on the site if you're interested in a more in-depth, eye opening review than this.

I'm even gonna throw in a little bit of proof-reading, 'cos I'm awesome like that. :moustache:

ThunderThrash

Should be a space between the two parts, perhaps?

He has to make it home.

Need to be careful about mixing up your tenses. I should know, this was pointed out to me for Reassurance and Inquiries! :raritywink:

Thunder glanced at his watch, "I'm fifteen minutes late!" He muttered to himself.

When bringing in a portion of speech you need to take a new line for it, and usually you'll also have to end the sentence prior to it. Furthermore, any text following on from speech which is used to describe the speech, i.e "He muttered to himself", should not be in a separate sentence to it. Like this:

Thunder glanced at his watch.
"I'm fifteen minutes late," he muttered to himself.

Furthermore, if someone is muttering then you probably shouldn't have an exclamation mark after their speech. I've used a comma here because that is the normal punctuation mark used in these circumstances, and after any normal speech which doesn't require a "?" or "!" at the end.
You have a few more instances of this type of thing, so I shan't raise them separately.

He hasd to make it home.

Thunder came to a skidding halt in front of his familiesy's tall,

twenty minutes ago was a calm light blue, was now polluted with

You don't really need that comma there, it interrupts flow.

You only ever pace when your're nervous.

Thanks to you areour parents are out in a horrible blizzard

Are you going to play Haylo?

Lighting tossed his control in anger using his unicorn magic,

Its two thirty-seven.

Ah, this old chestnut. :twistnerd: In this instance you should use "it's".
It is: it's
Belonging to it: its
Grammar can be confusing, but if you learn its rules then it's easier to write more successfully!
...is my pathetic attempt at using both "it's" and "its" in the same sentence. :derpytongue2:

Righty, besides that everything seems more-or-less ok. You might want to try and work on your sentence structure in a few places, as it flows somewhat awkwardly from time to time, but otherwise it's not bad.

As it's quite short it does seem a little lacking in depth, and a bit rushed because of that, but the premise is still interesting.

As for who I like more... they're both young teenage brothers who are excellent at hurting the other's feelings, what more needs to be said? :rainbowlaugh:

Seems interesting.
I'll definetly read it after finishing my school test!

Great story, Can't wait to see more :pinkiehappy:

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