Protect Celestia1,762 stories ·1,946 members
I Just Want a Comment15,687 stories ·3,667 members
Completed Story Compendium21,017 stories ·1,701 members
The Shameless Self-Promotion Bureau49,180 stories ·5,454 members
S.S.S (Seriously Sad Stories)1,197 stories ·550 members
The Princesses2,291 stories ·914 members
One dark night, Celestia tells her sister how she truly feels. She may be locked away in the moon, but Celestia feels nothing can stop her from telling Luna how she's felt.
(Note: This is NOT a CelestiaxLuna Shipping Fic. Just so you know.)
Cover Art by my friend, Hazel.
Page generated in 0.105 seconds
Total duration
1,069 users online
1,889,694 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
This made me almost cry. I was hoping there'd been a tearful confrontation, but it was still very nice.
3601689 Thank you
The feeeelss!
*night
This is 4th, the correct term is "forth"
Missing period
*the guard
Any number below 100 is spelled out in writing.
In dialogue, periods are always replaced with commas.
Whenever dialogue ends with "he" or "she" or "it" etc. followed by a verb, that pronoun is capitalized
*,
*he
At the end of an ellipsis(three periods, otherwise known as a suspension point) there is a space and the following word is always capitalized
Grammar aside, there are a few awkward phrases and a noticeable amount of blatant telling.
The premise itself was fine, a little cliche-- regardless, this was written fairly well. I would just suggest rereading the chapter and look for ways to improve the flow and not tell the reader Celestia's feeling directly, but rather show them through facial expressions, pauses, actions, etc. while still keeping a balance between the two.
The only other thing I have to comment about is that throughout paragraphs two and three you start several sentences, nearly all in a row, with the word "She". I would suggest using Celestia's name more here and try to use difference sentence structures.
The good in this chapter did outweigh the bad though, so I will upvote. My favorite part was when Celestia wished she was one of Luna's guards, to be at her beck and call. I found that fairly intriguing. I guess I'm just a sucker for psychology in stories
That is all. Equestria is ours.
Nice, but I did notice some errors here and there, like
especially since it came right after
You're is you are
Your is a possessive
Also Words*
Otherwise, I liked it.
This is very heartwarming on a cold night. There were a few grammar mistakes, pointed out by a few comments before mine, but all in all I like the story. To break it down scientifically, it is thermally intensive to my cardiovascular regions.
Have a tongue for a job well done.
This was very good! Nice job.
(I didn't cry, though.)
This has been approved for the Sibling Story Stockpile.
3606721 Oh! Really!
This was quite well written. I enjoy these sad stories, but I can never seem to put that feel of sadness in. You know, that one little detail that makes people say, "Ow, my feels!" This story has the feel to it that makes a good, sad story.
I thought it was good, but not great.
Full review pending...
You had a few noticeable grammatical errors. Most were pointed out by other comments, so I will refrain from mentioning them.
The pacing of the story was a bit rushed for me. You could have fleshed it out a bit more. I also think that adding something at the beginning that showed a part of her day would have helped.
Like this paragraph. You could probably write an entire story about this paragraph, about exactly what happened and how her subjects behaved to bring her down like this.
Altogether, I thought it was good but too short. You still win a thumbs up though.
3606799 ...
maybe I'll make a prequel based on that paragraph.
3606803
Review successful!
hey lunar here, this is pretty good but I'll freely admit to skimming this (sad is a tag I tend to avoid) but this was really good for what I did read (which was most of the main points)
I must be a grizzled feels veteran or something. I didn't feel much from this story, but i can definitely tell it was meant to stir them up.
I am...
justoneminute.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83451b2aa69e20177443ddd0c970d-800wi
Impressed...
3623345 That face is more of a "Someone Dealt It" look than an "I'm Impressed" one...
Just sayin'....
3818056
DON'T RUIN IT FOR MEH
I'm sorry but you're using my artwork for you story ("You're loved") without permission, also it's used for the wrong reason (she is not crying for her sister on my art). I would like you to take it down.
It's sad, but I thought it was good. I have this image in my head of Celestia crying herself to sleep once a month on average during Luna's exile. It's just a bad situation however you slice it. Good job.
4337715 Oh! Im so sorry