Order 66
Luna sat in her room crying. She and her sister Celestia had just had another huge fight over how Equestria should be ruled and Celestia had basicly told her that her opinion didn't matter because she was younger.
“How could she be so insensitive?” Luna said between sobs. Just then a thought popped into her head and she got up and quickly wrote something down on a piece of paper. “Celestia has gone too far this time and I have no choice.” she then rolled it up and used her magic to send the paper to its recipient before making similar notes and sending them off as well.
Shining Armor was walking to the barracks of the Crystal Guard when a scroll appeared in front of him bearing Luna’s Cutie Mark.
“Huh? What’s this?” he said using his magic to unroll it.
“Captain Armor,
“The time has come. Execute Order 66.
“Princess Luna.”
“It will be done my lady,” Shining said reading the scroll before walking into the barracks to give new orders to the Crystal Guard.
Rainbow Dash and Spitfire were in the mares' locker room of the Wonderbolts Academy when a scroll addressed to both of them bearing Luna’s Cutie Mark appeared in front of them.
“What the?” Rainbow asked as Spitfire unrolled it.
“It will be done my lady,” they both said after reading what was on the scroll before walking over to their lockers, opening them, and donning matching Shadowbolts Uniforms.
Rainbow Dash and Spitfire then walked into the hall where they met up with Soarin, who was also wearing a Shadowbolts Uniform. The three nodded before walking outside.
Iron Will was in a gym lifting weights while saying his different slogans when a scroll bearing the Night Alicorn Cutie Mark appeared in front of him.
“What’s this?” he asked himself reading it. “Iron Will is ready to lead the Minotaurs in service of the Lady of the night!” he then dropped the weights he was lifting and exited the gym.
Applejack walked out of her apple cellar after bringing in that day's harvest, when a scroll appeared in front of her.
“Must be from Twilight,” she said to herself unrolling it. “It will be done, my lady,” Applejack said after reading it.
“What was that?” Big Mac asked walking over to her.
“Nothin', the Princess has requested my presence in Canterlot is all,” She said, which was technically true as she didn’t say which princess wanted to see her. She then said goodbye before making her way towards Ponyville train station.
Twilight was reading the newest Daring Do Book when Spike burped up a letter.
“A Message from Princess Luna?” Spike said, curiously looking at the seal.
“Let me see that,” Twilight said taking it from Spike and reading it. “It will be done mother.” She said quietly before getting up and walking to the door. “Spike, I’m taking a trip to Canterlot to see the Princess. I need you to watch the library while I’m gone.” She said before leaving and flying over to the Train Station.
The train pulled into the station as she paid for her ticket. Spotting Applejack, she walked over to her. The two mares nodded to each other, both knowing what was about to happen.
“Shining, what’s going on?” Cadence asked as she watched a good portion of the Crystal Guard march out of the city.
“The princess has requested that I take our troops to Canterlot.” Shining explained.
“Then I’m coming with you.” She said, stretching her wings.
“No, Caddy. You need to stay here. Everything’s going to be okay, trust me.” He said with a reassuring smile.
“Alright. Be safe.” Cadence said, kissing her husband good bye before walking back into the palace as Shining lead the troops to Canterlot.
“That’s it everypony. Once you’ve received and put on your new uniform report to Princess Luna in Canterlot,” Rainbow Dash said helping Spitfire hand out Shadowbolt Uniforms to all the other Wonderbolts while Soarin lead some of the new Shadowbolts through some basic training.
“Here we are.” Twilight said as the train pulled into Canterlot station.
“Eeyup. I'll regroup with you later at the rally.” Applejack said, before Twilight took off to the Castle after they exited the train.
“Ah Twilight. How are you?” Luna asked as Twilight flew in through her window.
“I’m good, how about yourself mother?” Twilight said.
“Same, but I will be even better once Celestia agrees to step down.” she said nuzzling her daughter.
“And this time, she won't be able to separate us.” The smaller Alicorn said smiling. “So was there much resistance with the guard?”
“Not too much. I have Celestia bogged down in so much paperwork, she doesn’t even know what’s going on.” Luna said with a laugh. “Ah, good, here comes your ‘brother’ with the Crystal Guard.” She said looking out her window to see the crystal ponies entering Canterlot.
“What’s going on here?” Prince Blueblood asked, walking up to Shining Armor as the last of the Crystal Guards walked into the castle grounds.
“There's been a rebellion, sir. Don't worry. The situation is under control,” Shining said before drawing his sword, stopping Blueblood from entering the castle. “I'm sorry, sir. It's time for you to leave."
"And so it is." He said looking at the sword before returning to his villa.
“Sister we need to talk.” Luna said entering the throne room.
“Can it wait? I’m in the middle of something and it’s almost time to lower the sun.” Celestia said not looking up as she put the piece of paper she was looking at on the top of a growing pile and moving onto the next one.
“No, sister, this cannot wait!" she said, stomping her hoof hard enough to crack the floor. Celestia finally looked up from her paperwork.
“What is this? What’s going on here?” The day monarch asked, seeing the throne room filled with Lunar Guards, Bat Ponies, and Shadowbolts.
“Your resignation, sister. You've been in power for too long and it’s time for you to step down.”
“I don’t understand. Is this about our fight?” Celestia asked, still confused.
“It’s about more than that!” Luna said angrily. “When I was freed from Nightmare Moon you said that we were meant to rule together, yet you have still been the one making all the decisions and rarely ask for my input, and on the off chance you do, or I make a suggestion about a certain subject, you don’t even take it into consideration.” The night alicorn ranted.
“That’s not true.” Her sister said trying to calm her down.
“Oh?” She asked glaring at Celestia. “Almost everything you told me since my return has been a lie. You said that you would help the ponies of Equestria no longer see me as Nightmare Moon. Yet, a year later, which gave you plenty of time do so, when I went to Ponyville to see what this ‘Nightmare Night’ was all about I find out that not only did they still fear and see me as Nightmare Moon, but we no longer use the Royal Canterlot Voice!” Luna said beginning to walk towards her sister. “That’s not all. After I was freed and we returned to the Castle the first thing I asked you was about the fate of my daughter and you told me that being part mortal she had died.”
“But she did,” Celestia said, sweat beginning to form on her forehead.
“Liar!” Someone yelled from the crowd behind Luna before jumping into the air and landing beside Luna.
“Twilight!” Celestia said shocked.
Twilight was wearing armour similar to that of the Royal Guards but black with a jewel in the shape of her Cutie Mark.
“That’s right. I know you put a memory spell on me, as well as an age spell, and turned me into a basic unicorn!” Twilight said angrily, glaring at her ex-mentor.
“But how?” she asked taking a step back.
“After the Discord incident I decided to use the memory spell on myself to be on the safe side. That’s when I got my memories back of the life you took from me!” she seethed. “Then when my real mother came to Ponyville on Nightmare Night I told her what had happened and that I was her daughter. She told me to continue to act as your faithful student until we could figure out a way to turn me back into an Alicorn.” The young Alicorn explained, nuzzling her mother before returning her attention to Celestia. “Now, step down.”
“I will not allow you to bring eternal night to this Kingdom!” Celestia said firing up her horn, causing everyone present to laugh. “What’s so funny?” she asked, confused.
“Ha, ha, you think that’s what this is about? Bringing eternal night?” Luna asked with a laugh. “Please, I’m not Nightmare Moon any more. Besides I already have enough ponies who enjoy my night the way it is.”
It was then that Celestia started to hear the sounds of thousands of voices coming from outside. She cautiously walked over to the balcony and looked out over the crowd that formed, which was made up of all the sentient beings of the world, from the ponies of Equestria, to the Buffalo Tribes, to Minotaurs, to the Horses of Saddle Arabia, to Crystal ponies, to Zebras, even a few Diamond Dogs and Changelings. All of which were shouting the same thing: “Queen Luna! Queen Luna! Queen Luna!”
“That’s not your name they're shouting.” Luna said with a smirk as Celestia walked back in.
“I-I don’t understand.” Celestia said shaking as some of the Shadowbolts flew by and she noticed Rainbow Dash among them.
“It’s quite simple, they have had enough of your bullshit just as much as we have, I mean would it have killed you to have just straight up explained everything in full when my mother returned, or Discord, or even the Crystal Empire?!” Twilight almost yelled. “Oh and don't worry about the sun.” She said as she ignited her horn and caused the sun to set as Luna brought out the moon.
“Now, we shall ask one more time: Step down!” Luna and Twilight said in unison.
“I...” Celestia said looking around. “…Abdicate,” she said sitting down and hanging her head, allowing her crown to fall to the ground.
“Good,” Luna said smiling. “Guards, take her to her room and keep her there.”
Two guards, an Earth pony and a Unicorn, then flanked the ex-princess and helped her up.
“This way,” Applejack said before leading her away.
As Applejack and the other guard escorted Celestia to her room Luna picked up Celestia’s crown and used her magic to make it bigger and turn it blackish blue. She then gave her old crown to Twilight and placed her new crown on her head before they walked out onto the balcony.
“My loyal subjects,” Luna said as the cheers died down. “The rule of Celestia is over and with it Equestria!” she said, causing another round of cheering which died down when she raised her hoof. “And now marks the beginning of a new rule were all beings shall be treated fair and equal, and are united under; THE NEW LUNAR REPUBLIC!” Luna shouted as everyone in the crowd began to cheer and stamp their hooves in excitement.
“So this is how it all ends…with thunderous applause,” Cadence said watching everything from the back of the crowd under a cloak before leaving to return to the Crystal Empire.
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I think this should've been a bit more...expanded. Maybe a prequel to this, expand the story as a whole. I don't know. Just seems a bit rushed.
This fiction is so extremely rushed, that it seems a little hard to imagine this continuing. I mean, the first scene just says: Celestia and luna had a huge fight.
Over what? Power? Leadership? I mean, there's no backstory, and the fiction just implies they had a fight and sent off the order that turned all active Clone Troopers against the Galactic Republic. So it kinda seems that the Royal Guard will turn against Celestia, including the Mane Six and a few other unnecessary characters (*Cough* Iron Will).
Well, I wish best regards for this fiction if it can improve from where it's at.
-ShadowFall
3666264 I just made this as a short one shot because I was board I don't have plans to expand it.
I made Iron will the leader of the Minotaurs so he was there to lead his people against Celestia.
Kind of like Episode III of Star Wars.
3666442 What gave you that Idea?
Interesting. But, as some of the others have stated it is rushed other than that good idea
3666452
Order 66 was Palpatine's order to kill the jedi in Revenge of the Sith. But I do like the twist you put on it, instead of a Empire, Luna and Twilight started the Lunar Republic. Also I get the feeling Blueblood would start a Rebellion against Luna and Twilight and start a Civil War if you made a Sequel to this.
3666775 I was being sarcastic.
3666842 I knew that
but anyways, it is a good story and should have a sequel to it
While i do believe this story is rushed and would be better multi chaptered and flushed out for what it is i love it. I'm not a big fan of the Lunar Republic and Solar Empire but i love this story for what it is.
What about? What was said? How violent did it get? Was it screaming and shouting, did it come to blows?
These are the details you, as a writer, need to show the reader, by writing out a scene in which this fight takes place, rather than simply tell the reader it happened. Telling the reader they had a fight is meaningless. For there to be any emotional impact, the reader needs to be shown the fight the sisters had.
A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised.
thought
As for the rest of this sentence...
You have a borderline run-on sentence here. That needs to be addressed.
Again, this would be more impactful if we knew what kind of fight they had. For all we know, they fought over the last biscuit at tea.
bearing
A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised. Also, you need a comma after said.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here.
Missing comma after said.
mares'
bearing
lady," they
Missing comma after them.
donning
Missing comma after Soarin.
I'm guessing that was supposed to be "while"...
Delete this comma.
bearing
A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised. Also, you need a comma after himself.
service
the day's
Scroll should not be capitalised.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here.
A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised. Also, you need a comma after herself.
Applejack is a Southerner, not a medieval peasant.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here.
Missing comma after asked.
Abbreviated words require apostrophes to indicate the point at which the word is abbreviated.
is all," she said,
"Goodbye" is one word.
Spike
Missing comma after curiously.
“Let me see that,” Twilight said, taking it from Spike and reading it.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised.
In order of redtext:
1. This comma needs to be a period. Otherwise, you have a run-on sentence.
2. Library should not be capitalised, and "well" should be "while".
3. Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised.
4. Train Station should not be capitalised.
Train should not be capitalised.
This entire sentence is a run-on with a multitude of punctuation errors. This is how it SHOULD read:
Spotting Applejack, she walked over to her. The two mares nodded to each, other both knowing what was about to happen.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised. Also, you need a comma after said.
Never use the abbreviation "OK" in prose. Spell out "okay".
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. Also, you need a comma after said.
1. That 'before' should be deleted as it's unnecessary and makes the second 'before', which IS necessary, redundant.
2. "Goodbye" is one word.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. Also, you need a comma after said.
hand out
while
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. Also, you need a comma after said.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised. Also, you need a comma after said.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. "The" should not be capitalised. Also, you need a comma after said.
"So" should be capitalised as it is the beginning of a new sentence.
paperwork
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here.
comes
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised. Also, you need a comma after said.
You need a comma after asked.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here.
Blueblood
from entering the Palace.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised. Also, you need a comma after said.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. Also, you need a comma after Sister and after said.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. Also, you need a comma after said.
"No, sister, this cannot wait!" she said, stomping her hoof hard enough to crack the floor. Celestia finally looked up from her paperwork.
asked, seeing
Comma after 'resignation'. Also, just delete 'Luna explained'; it's extraneous.
1. That first question mark should be a period.
2. 'our'
3. You need a comma after 'asked'.
rule
Even if you did mean destinies, you still misspelled it, but I think you meant decisions.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. "The" should not be capitalised.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised. Also, you need a comma after said.
A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised. Also, you need a comma after asked.
said, beginning
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. Also, you need a comma after said.
she asked,
she seethed
faithful
,” the
explained, nuzzling
Kingdom,” Celestia said,
she asked, confused.
Bringing
crowd
Minotaurs
they're shouting,”
understand,” Celestia said, shaking
straight up
sun,” she said as she ignited
time: step
“…Abdicate,” she said,
“Good,” Luna said, smiling.
an Earth pony and a Unicorn,
“This way,”
before they walked
subjects,” Luna
with it Equestria
she said,
crowd
applause,” Cadence said,
crowd
OK, that's all the errors I could catch. I'm sure I missed a few.
Now, on to my thoughts:
As has been mentioned, this story is very rushed. It also makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. It's awkwardly shoehorning the Order 66 sequence from Episode III into My Little Pony without any surrounding context and expecting it to stand on its own. No. The little explanation you made up for the whole thing is nonsensical fanon ramblings stolen from a dozen or more other stories, wrapped up in a burrito of bad grammar and zero proofreading.
You need a LOT of practice to become a decent writer. This story is a poor effort, and the complete lack of proofreading shows very little pride in your work.
Long live our mother, Queen Luna!!! May she guide her Children of the Night forever!!! And those who are insane or uncontempt enough to oppose to our mother's prosperous and fair reign, shall be considered traitor of the Republic and shall be judged by the Queen and her court!!! And their sentence shall deppend on how much harm their betrayal has caused to the kingdom and to the other Children of the Night!!!
3668420 don't really see how that relates the story.
3666941 I have no plans for a sequel but if you want to write one for it go a head.
I'm planning on writing a sequel to this story. If anyone wants to help post a reply.
3859286 Drop me a link when it's published.
Best paraody of SW ep 3 order 66 scene
3993992 Thanks.
3859392 Can I have help with writing the sequel please?
4006429 sure what do you need help with?
4006603 how should i start it? it is based on my fanfic character Charming Thunder and the Zann Consortium from Star Wars Empire at War.
4006718 Never played Star Wars Empire at War.
So what do you have for the plot?
4006754 Luna has finally taken her sister's throne as queen of Equestria and Charming Thunder plots to help take it back with the help of the Zann Consortium. Charming Thunder plans to use his memory spell to wipe the memory of believing that Twilight is the daughter of Luna in order to restore peace to Equestria.
4006815 I would start it off with Charming Thunder doing a small internal monologue explaining why he and the Zann Consortium are rebelling agents Luna. To make things a little less confusing I wouldn't use the same Zann Consortium from Star Wars Empire at War and just have it that that's the name of the rebels and make the leader Blueblood or at lest make him a part of it as well as Princess Cadence (unbeknownst to Shinning Armor).
Also remember that Celestia is still a live, she's just under house arrest.
4006857 I could change the name if that is fine.
4007173 Do what ever you think is right.
4007215 So far I wrote an opening crawl as a prologue to the story. It is similar to a Star Wars opening crawl. If you want I can post what I have written so you can critique it.
4026739 Send it to me in a PM.
3859392 Here ya go: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/171758/fall-of-the-new-lunar-republic
4029311 Thanks.
Not bad, but kind of meh. I was hoping for 'so its treason then' from Celestia, who then proceeds to dice up whoever confronted her. I kind of like the idea of her having slipped into darkness at some point in the thousand years after banishing Luna. As Kreia put it:
"It is such a quiet thing, to fall. But far more terrible is to admit it."
luna is just stupid over being told her opinion doesn't matter its true because in the world of politics you would never put a young inexperienced person in the game because they could run the risk of getting the country destroyed
so luna stop being a little bitch who when doesn't get there way they decide to have a coup d'etat
otherwise good story
4897359 You forget that: A) She's over 1000 years old. And B) She used to rule Equestria with Celestia before she turned into Nightmare Moon and was banished.
4899160 a)but in the time she was away the game of politics must shifted intensely because with the rise and fall of the other mortal leaders
B)it would make sense not to put your former enemy in a position of power because they could drastically change what ever plan you had and w/ luna formerly being NMM she might have her own agenda
4899492 And instead of helping her sister adjust to the new political world she just lied to and belittled her. And as you can see Luna did have her own agenda which was uniting all the kingdoms together. Had Celestia actualy let her have more of a say and told her the truth then maybe she too could have shared in the glory of the unity instead of being forced to abdicate.
4899565 true true but i believe luna could have handled this scenario better then going all out w/ a coup d'etat and beside why didn't the Royal Guard do anything because technically Shinning is no longer the captain of the Guard
4900408 It was something that had been building up for a while. The fight was just the last straw.
The guards were taken by surprise when their Lunar guard counterparts turned on them and some of them were a part of the organisation mentioned in the description that Luna set up.
4900479 kk
my god i love te referances in this espesialy the blueblood part but blueblood inno way is a bale organa and i like the cadence part good story
5348742 thank you.
Ehh... Everything feels forced; but it is an adaptation of something else after all.
But honestly, Luna seems a bit stupid. If she wanted to be a queen she shouldn't have found3d the lunar republic... GG Luna.
5629668 Technically a republic can have a queen if that's what they decide to call their leader. I mean Canada is a democracy just like the states but we call our leader a Prime Minister instead of a President. Also they could be a republic like Sparta was where the majority of the power resides in a senate made up of the heads of the family households (or war veterans in sparta's case) which takes care of the internal affairs such as taxes, the justice system, and whether or not the king should stay in power. But still have a king who would deal with things such as the military, foreign dignitaries and settling anything that the senate can't.
5630306 Are you sure? As far as I know, A republic have a president, while monarchy have kings (and prime ministers)
Canada is a constitutional monarchy though. #wikipedia_knows_best
Remember, if you have democracy you don't necessarily live in a republic. A constitutional monarchy is where you have a king/queen, but he/she does not have much to say about the governing; that's the elected prime minister's job.
Btw, thanks for not raging at me; that's a WAY too normal response.
5631830 No no no. Canada is still part of the british commonwealth so Queen Elizabeth II is technically our "queen", but we are independent from england and neither she nor the british parliament has power or say on how our county is run. Yes when our country was first founded the crown did have some say and we were under the monarchy but after we gained in independence we were just too lazy to change the name of the guy in charge from Prime Minister's to President. Unlike the states we got our independence by asking nicely, so instead of a war we came to an agreement where England recognizes us as an independent country and we put the queen on the money, we keep them updated on what's going on over here and we stay apart of the commonwealth.
if she said "execute order 65" what would happen?
8342618
Luna would have been Locked in a secure location, all power over the moon would be transferred to Twilight and the elements of harmony gathered. The order was put in place by Luna as a contingency plan for the event that she ever felt she was once again becoming Nightmare Moon.