One Moment

by Ventan

The Moment

One Moment

By Ventan

Rainbow Dash turned her head to ask Applejack something only to find out that she was attacked by her mare friend’s lips. Applejack was also surprised, but decided to take the chance before she regrets the opportunity. Both of them haven’t done anything since they started dating. It's been a steady relationship, but that moment would change everything. They locked each other’s soft, tender lips. Applejack could feel Rainbow Dash’s lips gently pressing towards her's, so she did the same. Neither of them had made a single move. Hesitant at first, Rainbow Dash decided to press on. She slowly slides her tongue into Applejack’s mouth; feeling her tongue as Applejack was taken back by her advances, but also understood what Rainbow was trying to do. She follows her lead and soon they are touching each other’s tongue; feeling the texture of each other’s smooth, moist tongue.

Rainbow Dash, somewhat, was expecting Applejack’s taste would be sweet like apples, but not that sweet. The sweetness was just to much. Almost to a point of addiction, even. The sweet, sweet taste of apples slowly filled Rainbow’s tastebuds and eventually was enveloped in the taste; slowly getting addicted to the taste after every touch. She decided to be more aggressive. She wanted to let her know that she is everything to her. She pressed even more, more passionate, more demanding, but most of all to make sure the message was passed: that she loved her more then anything in the world.

As they continued to kissed each other, Rainbow also notices a fragrance in the air as she breathed through her nostrils. She wondered what the smell was. It was a sweet smell, but also familiar. She realized that it was Applejack's smell; the smell of apples after a day's work. She couldn't take it anymore. The sweet taste of Applejack was enough, but she could also smell Applejack's wondrous aroma. Already her mind was addicted to the taste, bun smell made it even more addictive.

Applejack wondered why is Rainbow Dash was more intense than before, but she accepted that love. She accepted all the love Rainbow Dash gave her. Soon, it became a cycle: Rainbow gave, Applejack receives, and Rainbow understood and gave more. They continued the cycle until Applejack decides to change things up. She returned a strong kiss, but also gave an even more passionate one. Rainbow Dash didn’t expected that, but decided to let Applejack take the lead. She followed Applejack’s rhythmic dance of their tongues; dancing a slow, soft, gentle, sweet dance. Rainbow Dash didn't know why, but she feels like they're both dancing; dancing a dance at The Gala with Applejack leading on the dance floor and Rainbow following Applejack's lead.

Applejack slowly became even more fierce then she was before. So far Rainbow Dash showed love to Applejack, but she only danced around. Applejack wanted to show that she, too, loves Rainbow just as much as she does. She wanted to show that she, too, loved her more then anything it the world. She decided to pressed on; being more relentless then ever. She wanted to prove someway or another that she wanted to be with the cyan pegasus; to be with her for her whole life. She slowly raised her hoof, placed it behind Rainbow's head, and pulled her closer.

Rainbow Dash felt every love Applejack gave her, and she wanted to return the love. She, too, raised her hoof and placed it behind Applejack's head. She, too, pulled Applejack closer to her. She, too, wanted to prove that she wants to be with Applejack forever. She wanted to show what Applejack was showing her: love and to show that she wants her to be together forever. She kissed gently, but firmly to Applejack. The earth pony realized what Rainbow was trying to do and followed, letting her mare friend to take the lead that time. She waltzed around and Applejack followed her lead. She pressed her lips harder and Applejack retaliated, but also pressed.

Rainbow Dash felt some retaliation. She wasn't expecting it and soon they fell down; Rainbow Dash on top of Applejack. She caught herself before falling smack-dab on Applejack. She took the opportunity and decided to caressed her mare friend. Applejack didn't understand what Rainbow was trying to do, but she felt her hooves wrapping around her. She felted something inside that just wanted to hug and squeeze her mare friend, but the way they were was enough for her. Being embraced and caressed by Rainbow gave a fluffy felling for Applejack.

Rainbow Dash wondered how long have they been at it. It was probably a short time, but it felted like forever and she wanted it to keep it that way. That moment was the moment that both of them don't want to ever end. But sadly, she had to brake away. Applejack didn’t expected it, but she knew it would had to end one way or another. It was a moment where their true feelings were shown. Rainbow Dash slowly rested her head on Applejack’s head, tipping the signature hat just a little to the back. The experience they both had with each other was a new, but lovely experience.

After a moment of silence, Applejack broke the fragile, quiet silence. “Wow, RD,” she said quietly, “Ah didn’t know you had it in ya.”

Rainbow closed her eyes and cherished that moment they had together. With a gentle smile, she said, “Same AJ. You suppressed me back there.”

Applejack lifted her head and looked eye to eye with Rainbow Dash. Without saying anything, they both know they wanted to do it again. They wanted to show how much they truly love each other; how much they mean to each other. So they did. And again the lips locked and another moment begins.

Author's Note:

I tried to make a moment last as long as I can. Sorry for a short read and a shitty story. I tried my best...
Critique would be very, VERY much appreciated.

Comments

[Jaelommiss]

While it's certainly not a great read, it's a fair first attempt. As long as you keep at it you will improve.

There are a few things that really stand out to me here that could use improving.

First and foremost you refer to the characters by name far too often. Try to find more imaginative ways to refer to your characters. You have two very different characters here and it would be fairly simple to use their traits to describe them.

For example: "Rainbow Dash turns her head to ask Applejack something only to find out that she was attacked by Applejack’s lips. The earth pony was also surprised..."

Before the word 'Applejack' was repeated twice within three words. This way you break away from the repetition and more engaging to read. While it is certainly possible to repeat names for effect, it is rather difficult and misuse can cause more harm than good.

The second thing that caught my attention was the verb tenses. There is far too much flip-flopping between past and present tenses. Pick one and stick to it. To help keep it consistent imagine your audience for the story. Are you telling your friends what you saw between AJ and RD last night (past tense) or are you giving an in-the-moment narration to someone who cannot see for themselves? I personally prefer past tense as it makes verbs very simple to use. Just shove an -ed suffix on everything and you're done.

There are a few spelling and grammatical mistakes in there, but nothing that wouldn't be found by taking time to edit it. After you finish writing, leave it a couple days to clear your mind before going back to edit it. If you just dive right back into it you can miss obvious things. I learned that myself and really wish I had known it earlier.

On the whole, not too great. Certainly not the worst I have come across, it has a long way to go. Just keep in mind that you will always get better and that you already outperformed most people by simply writing in the first place.

[Knight of Cerebus]

I like your profile picture.

[Ventan]

3528717 :3

[Sheendough]

3528343 I have nothing else to say except "what he said". I agree completely.

[Painbow Bash]

Decent for what you were trying to do, I have to agree with jaelommiss a bit. Try to use a many different terms and descriptors for the same thing as possible, example; Pegasus, rainbow maned, cyan or light blue mare etc. All terms for RD but a little more esthetically pleasing if you mix it up.
There were a few grammatical errors example, at the end of the fic RD says "same AJ you suppressed me back there" should be surprised (although i guess she was suppressed too). That one error really stood out and really pulled me out of the fic (something you really want to avoid), other then that it was pretty good.

[They]

Not bad, in fact I liked it
the only problem I had was that the story was written in present tense