Lucky424
Joined 26th Feb, 2012 ·
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Son of a fuck, Lucky.
Now I have to read it.
3412554 Well... you don't have to if you don't want to. But usual thing, if you see any mistakes, feel free to point them out.
3412562 In some smal way, I contributed to this story's creation, so I am obligated to read and comment on every chapter, even if it's to recommend suicide as a viable method of improving your writing.
3412576 I'm not that bad... am I?
3412591 For a (gimme a sec to chrck your bio) 27 year old man whom, by American standards, should have completed college and have a fair grap of the English language, a little bit, but like I've said before, you've improved.
Also, still using an iPad for this because I'm at my girlfriend's house, so editing is a no-go until later tonight or sometime tomorrow afternoon.
3412604 I do have a fair grasp, enough to be an aircraft engineer, but my school didn't give a shit about you if you weren't in the top class. I wasn't for English, so they never really taught me anything.
Anything I have learnt about creative writing has been on here, with help from those such as yourself.
3412613 Like I've said, you're improving at a rate acceptable for someone having already finished recquired schooling. Honestly, I'm only as good as people keep saying I am because I'm still in high school and have taken two English classes since my second adventure in the world of fan fiction writing.
Your grammar is okay; it's your characterization that needs work. (Please note that this statement only applies to the other fics of yours that I have read, as I've been busy talking to you)
i like this story so far and can't wait to read the next chapter.
Ik batman
I noticed right away that you are attempting beige prose, which means you've stripped away most of the superfluous words that would have otherwise added more rigid constraints to the world and mind you are trying to convey. While often done to allow the reader to fill in needed information on their own, it has to be done right to be effective. Beige prose is the written form of minimalism, and as with all forms of stylistic writing, should be approached with caution. A little laconic with your characters is fine, especially with private thoughts, but the first paragraph is, in itself, nearly unreadable due to it's continued use of improper written formulas.
Might I suggest "I was curious upon Twilight Sparkle's return; I had found her report on our world's opposite number intriguing."?
You're making the mistake of assuming that someone will know which world you mean by "that world".
Sentence fragment; deletion or revision necessary.
Comma should be a semicolon
Again, comma should be a semicolon.
Mother. Fucking. Sentence. Fragment.
"Then, several weeks later, I was called down." During that part, you are having Luna recall events, meaning that, from her perspective, she would be experiencing events in order.
"Which was dominated by a pit or gallery of some sort, with concentric rings of seats descending to the bottom. A line of stone stairs cut through the rings, terminating at our hooves, and leading directly to the bottom."
Persevere means to continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no prospect of success, so you're either saying her vacation was difficult, or may wish to replace this with deserved.
Might I suggest "and approached me in the cavern"?
Saying that Twilight only went there because Sunset Shimmer had stolen her Element.
Your mistake here was writing in such a way that it could be taken as a student of Twilight's had taken the Element, and the superfluous crown and Element combo at the end.
You can go two ways with this.
Either "I do not remember the specifics of the argument, though I distinctly recall it ending in tears for the both of us." or simply "I do not remember the argument; suffice to say it ended in tears for the both of us."
Though Luna is recalling events, she is no longer in that location. I am assuming she is speaking either to the male lead, or writing in a journal or diary of some sort. Either way, it should be "the chamber/gallery/pit/cavern/what have you"
Never. NEVER begin a sentence with and.
"Then, on the fifth day after Sister had left, it happened."
Given that this glow exists in a single point in this universe, it can be inferred that any expansion would be outward, and as such, the "wider" is entirely unnecessary.
Again with your simplicity. Language was invented to impress the fairer sex, Lucky. Do you think Oog the caveman would have gotten laid if he'd just grunted at the cave-ladies? The second half of this sentence could be made much clearer, much more concise, if you simply chose to expand it.
"Unlike the one Twilight went through, this portal lacked the opaque veil of energy, allowing me an undiluted view of the other side."
BOOM! Now Oog is swimming in cave-bitches. Be Oog, Lucky; be Oog.
"There were buildings taller than Canterlot Mountain, and on the streets, I found the bipeds of which Twilight had spoken. She knew nothing!"
I'm done with this for tonight, and I'll get back to it tomorrow morning for a general overview, and then do a more in-depth editing once I get home.
Until then, I need something to calm my nerves.
hey lucky is that you in the authors comments
3414108 You see what I mean about my school not giving a shit? I had no idea what beige prose was until I just Googled it. I'll go through now and change them, thanks.
3414400 Yes, that is me. First official airsoft event; it was fucking awesome!! That's me using my M4 with M203, my sniper rifle but I don't know what it is based on, and my USP is in it's holster.
I just realized I forgot to follow you. Important things sometimes slip my mind...
But to the fic. The background information provided at the beginning of the chapter was rough to get past. Really, you could have made it into a normal chapter, divide it into flashbacks, bring it up in the dialogue, anything but this rushed breach of the 4th wall.
From that point it retturned to the quality I expected from you. You make it easy for me to get into the story deeply.
I am a bit confused about the fact that no one tried to explain things to Luna and they rather opted for drugging her, but I am not aware of normal procedures for these situations. It might have been justified by her state.
Does Luna really have an American accent? (I can't tell because I don't get much chance to practice spoken English with native speakers...)
Is Alec going to have similar personality to his namesake in The Sun's Knight?
3416690 That was Luna recalling how she made it to Earth. I plan on this having chapters of 5000 words minimum. Things will become clear at the end of the story, but you will have to wait for that...
Drugging her? She was an unknown variable, and was starting to act up, so yes, the safest thing to do would be sedate her.
Tabitha St Germain, who voices Rarity and a whole host of characters also voices Luna. She is an American born Canadian, and us Brits normally have trouble telling the difference. I know I do!
Alec? No, not this time. He will be me completely. Once more, it's going to be my reactions to the situations, but with a few embelishments. You'll see what I mean next chapter, which should be up tomorrow at some point. (Currently 2040 here.)
3416777 I didn't mean that I had trouble following that recalling, just that it wasn't the best option. I am really looking forward to getting an insight into your mind in form of the character.
(by the way, we are one timezone apart. Greetings from Czech Republic, the country without MLP merchandise whatsoever)
3416804 I've been there!
farm6.staticflickr.com/5332/9702481551_dc9e1af118_h.jpg
That's me when I went on a little trip around Europe, getting ready to leave Prague airport!
Was an amazing place, would love to go back and have more than one night there.
And my mind... have you read my CMC clop fic? That's what my mind is like!
3416864 My dorm is about 10 minutes by tram from that airport. Feel free to drop by, I will show you around
I haven't read it yet, but I plan to. If your mind has anything in common with a CMC clopfic, you must be a great person
I go through life resembling Richard from Looking for Group.
3416896 Well, fair warning, it's mainly bondage/BDSM clop.
A story even appears in there somewhere!
3416907 You included story? Well, I will have to tough it up
Thanks for the warning, but it is a bit like remainding a penguin that the water is cold at this point...
3414944 well you look like your having fun
3414944 also lucky like the new avatar
3417199 It's from a commission I had done for a scene from Five Years of Ice. This is the full pic.
fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2013/193/2/e/a_dance_on_the_clouds__by_lucky424-d6d5ohp.jpg
3417202 hahaha no no no i was talking about my new avatar i changed it last week
3417202 that was also my bad because i shouled have asked do you like my avatar
3417239 It's pretty sweet. Nearly all pony pictures I see make me wish I could draw!
This is about as in-depth as I'll be aboe to get for the time being, so I have to give you a few points of advice now that I've read this chapter in it's entirety (though I have stuck to my usuall skimming style of reading, and using context to fill in the blanks)
When Luna refers to her feets as limbs, the correct term would pertuberance, or however it's spelled.
Things themselves are moving too fast in how Luna so suddenly trusts you. She's stuck for the foreseeable future, maybe forever, in a foreign universe, and with what little experience I have in spontaneous relocation, stockholm sundrome takes a bit longer to set in.
Also, for the love of all that's holy or only human, get a pre-reader. I'm out of the question for a while, so you should either go with one of your buddies.
Also, knowing your pecularities, I hope those locks were properly sanitized.
3417631 That's changed now, thanks. As for the trust, she escaped but got caught in a snowstorm, and he went out and got her.
He could've just let her wander the countryside, and in those conditions, more than likely die. And yes, they were hospital medical restraints, or do you mean the two padlocks?
3419633 I meant the locks in his house
I really hope you do more! The story was GREAT and I enjoyed reading it very much
3445057 My focus for the weekend will be this one.
Hopefully have it up Sunday Evening at the latest.
Hey whatever happened to that next chapter?
Not that I'm trying to rush.
3481067 I know, I'm sorry! This is my story for when I hit a wall with my others, and I've had some good ideas over there recently. I'll try and get this updated at the weekend for sure!
(On my own, so won't be disturbed by anyone!)
Keep on writing Lucky, but be sure to have fun doing it!
¤Unseen¤
3499581 I didn't have the writing bug biting me yesterday, but after a good night's sleep I feel ready to get back to it!
One chapter of The Sun's Knight done, one for Night's Children on the way, next is chapter 2 here, then the Kindest Help, and lastly Non Escape Artists.
That should stop me getting bored.
3481067 I'm sorry, mate, but I just can't seem to get this next chapter done!! I'm trying, I really am, but I'm not even sure which direction I want this one to go in!
I'll try and update soon, but I can't make any promises.
Woah, sorry, I really meant it when I said no rush. It doesn't matter that much to me. Take your time and make sure to have fun!
another very good chapter and I can't wait to read more of this story.
And now I have something to read during my next block.
Thanks.
After reading, you could have stretched this out a fair bit more. You're showing here, not telling as you should be.
Volvo is better than that Toy car we sweds know hot to make good cars.
4063531 Show me a cool looking Volvo and I'll consider changing it.
Well, that's not true, I won't change it, but the challenge still stands.
4063531 I think American muscle is better. But thats my opinion.
This was a pretty nice read, a shame theres not more, but hey, I knew what I was getting into when I saw cancelled. Oh well, I can always hope you come back to it can't I?