A Beautiful Swallow

by Skijarama

The Final Farewell

Author's Note:

It is with some description of relief that I am announcing the cancellation of A Beautiful Swallow. Don’t take that the wrong way, though. This story is very important to me in many ways and I put an enormous amount of my heart and soul into writing it. But, well, at this point, canceling it is probably the best thing for me to do with it.

See, this story was started in an effort to get emotional stress out of my system. Some of you may have figured this out, but this story was based on real life events that happened to me. Stinging Nettle represents me, and Swallow represented someone I love deeply who, much to my regret, I will never get to see again.

I got an ending in my real life and have moved on as best as I can since then. But with this story still marked as on Hiatus, I still have one last little thread tying me to these events. It’s time to snip that thread and set myself free.

But because I know some of you may want closure, you’re in luck; I wrote the ending months in advance to help myself focus down on that target. There were about 10 or more planned chapters bridging the gap between ‘The Empty Mailbox’ and this ending, but they were never written and will probably never see the light of day.

To summarize events so you aren’t totally lost, Nettle got even more emotionally distraught over some 2 or 3 years, dealing with numerous issues, including what he perceived as a full-on betrayal that led him to attempt suicide. He survived said suicide attempt, and this epilogue follows up some two or three weeks later.

The ending, fyi, is the only one I have written and is the official ending to this story. I will not be writing any optional or alternate endings. This is better even then how it ended for me. Nettle might deserve a different ending, but we rarely ever get what we deserve.

That said, read on. I sincerely appreciate you joining me on this ‘journey.’

Thank you.

I opened my eyes rapidly, inhaling sharply as I looked around. I was in a blueish void, filled with slowly drifting orbs of white light. Where was I? I looked down to confirm that my hooves were on a solid surface, invisible though it may have been, before I started walking. Overhead, I saw a full moon slowly starting to fade into existence.

“Stinging Nettle.” I heard a slightly familiar voice say from my right. I turned my head to see, to my great surprise, Princess Luna looking at me with a soft expression. I quickly dropped into a bow. “There is no need for that here, Stinging Nettle. Stand tall and speak freely.” She said reassuringly.

I slowly brought myself back to a standing position. “Princess Luna? What is this place? Where are we?”

“This, Nettle, is the rift between dreams. I saw you suffering within a nightmare, and pulled you out to speak with you.” Princess Luna explained, slowly walking towards me. I thought back, trying to recall the nightmare in question. Nothing came to mind, but I still felt adrenaline in my veins, now that I was thinking about it.

“About what?” I asked curiously, looking around some more at the seemingly endless expanse.

“About Swallow.”

My eyes widened, and I felt a pang of pain shoot through my chest. My blood turned cold. Slowly, oh so slowly, I turned my head to look at the alicorn princess. “...What did you just say?”

“Stinging Nettle, it has come to my attention that you have been grieving and mourning for too long. I have observed your dreams from time to time, but never believed it to be this bad.” Luna said, immediately earning a narrowing of my eyes. I opened my mouth to yell at her, but the words wouldn’t come, and my frown grew as my eyes turned towards the void below me.

“Yes, I’m grieving. Yes, I’m mourning… I’m never going to see her again and it’s tearing me apart…” I sighed, closing my eyes to hold back the rush of tears I could feel coming forth.

“...What if you could see her again?” Luna asked carefully, and my eyes snapped open again, my ears shooting to attention. I looked back up at her. Was she saying what I thought she was saying?

“If I could see her again… I don’t know. It’s been so long…” I watched Luna carefully, hoping with all of my heart that this was going where I thought it was.

“I see… Stinging Nettle, I know how much you want to see her again. I can grant that wish, but-”

“PLEASE!” I half screamed, galloping towards her and collapsing at her hooves. I could feel tears starting to well up in my eyes. Tears of joy. I was so busy crying at Luna’s hooves, silently begging her to grant my only wish that I didn’t see the sad look coming over her face until she spoke again.

“But… I have a few words of warning for you.” She said, and I looked back up into Luna’s eyes. She was looking at me with an unreadable, sorrowful expression.

“Words of warning?”

“Yes. Stinging Nettle, there is no easy way for you to hear this… but Twinkling Swallow is dying.” Luna said, falling silent to let the words sink in. Shock overwrote all other feelings, causing me to stand up and back away.

“...What?”

“Yes. During the changeling attack on Canterlot, Swallow was grievously wounded and paralyzed. She barely survived. Since then, she has been in a sleep-like coma. She’s been dreaming the entire time, Stinging Nettle.” Luna explained, lowering herself slightly to be at eye-level with me. “And further… her family has decided to pull the plug on her life support.”

I went numb hearing those words. I stood, motionless and silent, barely even breathing. My ears slowly went limp, falling flat against the sides of my head.

“I can open the door to her dreams for you… you can be with her until the plug is pulled. But I warn you now, this will be the last time you get to speak with her… and when her life support stops, it is very likely that she will fade with her dream, right in front of your eyes. I want to make sure you are emotionally prepared to see such a thing before I open the door.” Luna said, then falling silent to allow me to think. The silence was short, as there wasn’t any thinking I had to do.

“Princess Luna… I don’t care how painful this will be… if she’s going to die, I want to be there until the very end. I want to make her last moments comfortable. I don’t want her to be alone. As long as I get to see her again and say goodbye properly… then any pain will be worth it.” I said, looking up at Luna with determination in my eyes. Honestly, though… I was absolutely terrified.

“Are you sure?”

“Open the door.” I said firmly, taking a step forwards.

Luna nodded sadly. “As you wish…” She closed her eyes and her horn lit up. A door appeared next to her, white in color with a blue frame. I took a moment to look at the symbol on the doors upper half; A single, solitary feather. I steeled myself and took those first steps forward…

<^><^><^><^>

A sense of familiarity came over me as I entered Swallow’s dream. It was a moonlit forest clearing, surrounded by tall trees with a grassy floor covered in flowers. I knew this place. I dreamed about it once, a long time ago. I looked around as a cool breeze blew by, causing my mane and tail to drift lazily.

It didn’t take me long to see what I was looking for. I saw her on the other end of the clearing, facing away from me and looking up at the moon. She was… taller than I remembered. Of course, that was only natural. It had been years since we had last seen each other.

I was dumbfounded, unable to make myself move or speak. I was just gawking at her, helplessly staring at the back of the Pony I loved most. Finally, I managed to get enough control to start walking towards her. I moved quietly, my movement’s sound partially smothered by the breeze and rustling of the branches and flowers.

As I drew closer, I heard something. It was a voice I had never heard before, a mature, sad sounding stallion. He was speaking slowly, sadly, as though on the verge of crying. But there was nopony in front of Swallow. I was mildly confused until I looked to where she was looking with so much attention. In the surface of the moon, I could see a tilted image of a stallion I had never met, but who I instantly knew was Swallow’s father. He was reading something off from a sheet of parchment. The background of the vision seemed to be a canterlot hospital room.

“...Signed, Stinging Nettle... “ I heard Swallow’s Father say, and my heart leapt into my throat. “He really misses you… I don’t know if I’ll be able to tell him what’s going to happen tomorrow…” He lowered the note, and his eyes looked towards Swallow and I sadly. He… he’d been reading my letters to Swallow all along?

I heard a choked sob coming from Swallow, and looked towards her. Her head was bowed down, now, and she was starting to lay down in the flowers, covering her face with her forehooves. She was crying…

“I’m so sorry, Nettle… I… I never wanted this to happen… Please… dad… tell him! T-tell him everything so he can move on! I want him to be happy... He shouldn’t have to dwell on a pony like me...”

I looked at Swallow disbelievingly. She was so sad and guilty because she had never been able to respond to my messages. She was trembling horribly now, crying and sobbing quietly, though I could tell a lot of her heart was going into it. I didn’t know what to say, what to do. So I did what came naturally. I slowly walked up to her crying form, keeping myself quiet until I was right next to her. I then settled down next to her, wrapping my foreleg over her shoulders in a comforting way.

She went stiff, and her sobs cut off instantly. Her ears, formerly flat against her head, stood straight up. I smiled and rubbed soothing circles into her shoulder. “Swallow… if anypony is worth waiting for… it’s you.”

I felt her go even more rigid at the sound of my voice. She curled up slightly, a shiver hitting her body as another cold breeze blew by. “No... please, I don’t want to dream about him.” She whispered, and my ears fell flat.

“Because you want to tell me everything face-to-face, right?” I said quietly, tightening my grip slightly. She said nothing, slowly lifting her head to look at me. The sadness in her eyes was immense. “Well, I’m not a figment of your imagination… nor am I generated by your dream. I’m here. I’m real.”

Her eyes widened, and she wiped a hoof across her eyes to get rid of the tears. “How do I know that for sure?” She asked quietly.

“...Luna allowed me into your dream. So I could see you one last time.” I explained shortly. I don’t know what it was, but I guess she saw something that her dreams couldn’t replicate, because she began to tear up again as a smile crossed her face. She knew I was the real deal.

“Nettle… Stinging Nettle... “ She whispered, reaching a hoof out to cup my cheek. In response, all I did was hug her closer. “I… I’m so sorry-”

“Don’t say it.” I interrupted her gently. “Don’t say you’re sorry. You have nothing to apologize for. Everything that’s happened has been beyond your control.”

She looked at me, stunned. Then she laughed, albeit very weakly. “Well, I guess that means it’s really you, then… Every time my dreams create a version of you in here, you’re usually… very harsh about it.” She said, looking down slightly.

The hoof I was hugging her with moved to start petting her mane. “It’s alright, Swallow. You don’t have to explain anything. I know enough.”

She closed her eyes and hummed quietly as I set about petting her head. After a few minutes, she opened her eyes and looked to me again. “You know, then, that I’m… I’m going to-”

“I know. Let’s not worry about that right now, okay? We’ll deal with that when it comes…” Despite my words, it was clear that I was afraid. I was worrying about it a lot.

“Okay…” Swallow said softly, nudging herself closer to me so we could share some body heat in the chilly night. Her horn lit up a moment later. Before i knew what was happening, we were on top of a very familiar park bench with a very familiar, fantastically fuzzy and warm-looking blanket draped over us. I looked down and over at Swallow. I guess it made sense what just happened. This was her dream, after all.

Oh, how much that little action of hers made me want to remind her how much I loved her. But… I just couldn’t say it. I don’t know why, but the words just caught in my throat, so I opted instead to remain silent. We just sat there, bathing in our memories for a while. Occasionally, Swallow or I would shift slightly to get more comfortable.

The moon never moved, and all light seemed to be focusing on us. That, combined with feeling Swallow against me, her breathing, hearing her voice earlier and her occasional content sigh now... for the first time in a long time, I felt at peace. I was happy. I had honestly and truly forgotten what this sort of happiness felt like. I had been periodically happy prior, but I never felt whole or complete. It was a hollow happiness back then. This was true, pure and complete happiness.

“Hey, Nettle?” Swallow asked after another long while of us just sitting there.

“Yeah?”

“...Do you still… love me?” She asked hesitantly. I winced at the question, but nodded.

“Of course. I’ve never loved anypony as much as you.” I said, nuzzling into her cheek. I found myself mentally pleading for her to tell me she loved me too, or, better yet, to just lean over and kiss me.

Naturally, she didn’t do either. “I bet right now you’d really like to kiss me.” She said with mild amusement in her voice. Oh, great. Was she gonna start teasing me?

“You reading my mind or something?” I chuckled, squeezing her gently with my foreleg.

“No. I just know you a little too well.” Swallow said, smirking over at me.

“I guess.” I grumbled with fake irritation before smiling at her. She smiled and looked down.

“Nettle... I don’t know what to say... You love me so much you entered my dreams themselves to say goodbye.”

I felt my heart break a little when she said that. “Swallow... I came here not just to say goodbye, or to remind you that I love you… I came here to make sure you are as happy as I can possibly make you. Right now, I don’t care how I’m feeling when all this is over.”

“But I do care, Nettle.” Swallow said earnestly, looking at me with eyes that were starting to water slightly. “I don’t want you to cry anymore over me... I don’t want you to feel anymore heartache or sadness, I don’t want you to be alone or lonely. I want you to go out there and find somepony else, find a new reason to be happy- MM?!”

I cut her off. Not with words, or by putting my hoof to her mouth or anything. I kissed her on the lips, gently but quickly to get her to stop talking. She was causing herself more emotional pain by stressing over my wellbeing. That was not why I was here.

She froze, looking at me with wide eyes. I didn’t see said eyes at first, because my eyes were closed, just savoring the contact. I pulled away after a few seconds, not wanting to overstay my welcome and looked her in the eyes.

“Swallow, I’m here in your dream for your sake. Not mine… but since you insisted on me finding a reason to be happy, that kiss should be sufficient for the time being.” I whispered, smirking at her a moment later. She lifted a hoof up to touch her lips, which were now parted slightly as her jaw had fallen somewhat loose. “If you wanna hit me for that, go ahead.”

She did, though not hard. She simply smacked me on the back of my head with her hoof before looking straight ahead. I rubbed the spot where she hit with my free hoof before a light giggle escaped my lips. It must have been contagious, because soon enough Swallow and I were both giggling. The giggles evolved rather quickly, and for a few minutes we were laughing like we were being tickled to death.

I don’t know why we were laughing so much. In hindsight, it wasn’t funny enough to warrant such a response, but I’m not complaining. When we finally stopped laughing, Swallow looked over at me and wiped a tear of joy from her eye.

“I haven’t laughed like that in a long while… Thanks, Nettle.” She said, a few residual chortles escaping her.

“You’re welcome.” I said, taking in a deep breath to prevent myself from laughing again. The silence from earlier resumed, and we once again found ourselves content to simply sit next to each other. Time began to pass, and occasionally we would make small talk, or she would ask me about some detail about my life outside the dream.

Finally, after what felt like several hours, I heard something overhead. Looking up, I saw the moon showing images to us again. We saw the hospital room, and the doctor and who I assumed to be Swallow’s family stepping in. It was time, then. A feeling of dread and sadness began to wash over me, but for once in my life I decided to say ‘no’ and kicked my emotions to the curb. I would not let Swallow’s last moments be seeing me cry. And, in turn, I would not let her final moments be spent crying.

Swallow was looking up at the image, too. She was scared, afraid. She knew what was going to happen, and it terrified her. I could see it in her eyes, feel it in her slowly stiffening muscles.

Her family was saying quiet things to her overhead, each one sorrowful and crying. I looked over to Swallow. She was starting to cry too.

“Swallow, look at me.” I said firmly, reaching out with my free hoof to draw her eyes towards me. “It’s okay. I’m here.”

She looked at me with rapidly growing sorrow in her eyes. She was going to cry any second. Damnit! I had to keep that from happening!

“Swallow, please. Do not cry. You’re okay. It’s going to be fine.” I said gently, squeezing her tightly against me. Truth be told, it was taking all of the willpower in my body to keep myself from bursting into tears, and more to keep my face from contorting.

“Nettle... I can’t say goodbye to them.”

“I’ll tell them for you. Don’t think about that, okay? Think about something happy; create something happy. This is your dream. Your world. You can do anything here. Do something to make yourself happy-”

Swallow lunged at me, planting her lips against mine, and damn near throwing us off the bench. I reacted purely on instinct, wrapping my forelegs around her in a tight hug and returned the kiss. I didn’t expect this, and I didn’t care. Swallow was kissing me of her own will. I had no idea why, but for the time being I decided not to worry about that and just focus on the kiss itself.

We sat there for quite some time, just kissing each other gently. Overhead, I heard the sound of something being unplugged. The temperature around us dropped almost instantly, sending a shiver through me. I didn’t pay any attention to that though. The light around us was starting to fade, darkness slowly creeping in. Swallow pulled away from the kiss, out of breath and gasping for air.

“There… now we’re even.” She said, barely able to get enough air to speak. I could see wispy trails starting to drift from her body. She was fading.

“Even?” I asked hesitantly, doing everything in my power to keep my face in a smile, despite the rapidly growing need to scream.

“You kissed me to make yourself happy... Even though I wasn’t expecting or really wanting to be kissed… so… I… kissed you… to…” Her voice trailed off, growing quiet as she was barely able to speak or breathe. She reached a hoof up to her chest, before starting to fall off the bench.

“Swallow!” I cried, shooting after her and wrapping my forelegs under her to stop her fall. I got off the bench, which at this point was disappearing into the darkness around us. Gently, oh so gently, I cradled Swallow’s dying form as close as I could, trying to keep her warm.

“Nettle… let me see… your face…” Swallow said, her voice barely audible. I reluctantly pulled away enough so she could look at me in the eyes. She looked tired… exhausted, even. Her eyes were half shut and had dark spots under them.

“It’s okay, Swallow… I… I’m here for you.” I said, trying to maintain my smile. I wasn’t going to be able to keep this up much longer.

“Nettle... Th… ank… y… ou…” She breathed, reaching a hoof out towards my face. I felt it connect, gently tracing my jawline. Then, her hoof passed right through me. She was becoming transparent, her legs starting to swirl away into mist. Her eyes were still clear, looking at me with a sort of sad happiness. Her smile reflected this.

She was happy. Or at least as happy as I could make her. I nodded at her words, smiling. “You’re welcome, but… I should be thanking you, Swallow… for allowing me to fall in love.” I whispered, noticing that she was starting to sink past my hooves.

The swirling of her vanishing body continued spreading. First, her legs and tail were gone, then her belly, her chest, her neck... I took a moment to memorize every single detail I could of her face. Her eyes were closed, and she was smiling... And in the end, that was all that mattered. Finally, seemingly in slow motion, her face vanished, disappearing and swirling away into nothingness. And that was it. It was over.

Swallow was gone.

<^><^><^><^>

I woke up that morning feeling tired, cold, and infinitely lonely. I woke up almost as soon as Swallow disappeared in the dream. The sun had just barely come up. Slowly, I got out of bed and sat down at my desk. I just sat there for a moment, staring out the window at the town I had called home for so long. Finally, I reached down into my desk and withdrew a quill and a stack of parchment.

And that is where I am as I write this. I just had that dream with Swallow, and I still feel sleepy. I won’t lie, I’m sad; more sad then I’ve been in a long time. But at the same time, I am happy and damn proud of myself. I got to see Swallow again. I got to be there for her in her final moments and do everything I could to keep her happy to the very end.

Frankly, I don’t know what I’m going to do with this manuscript, now. I’ve been writing it for years. It’s been a literal labor of love, but now the focus of that love is gone. I could try to get it published, but I don’t see a reason to do so. There isn’t really much of a message carried with this story; at least, not one I can see. It’s just… my story.

I could keep it tucked away, show it to friends and family, but that might cause more emotional hiccups down the line… No, I think I know what I’m going to do with this book.

I started writing it to help me get raw emotion out of my system and help myself keep my feelings in check. Now that I’m done… I see no purpose in keeping it around. I think I’ll take the manuscript to ghastly gorge. I’ll let the pages fly away, drifting in the wind and flying wherever they so want…

Just like a beautiful swallow taking flight.

—The End—

Comments

[Bronydom]

If this was the last chapter why not just put it as complete
But nonetheless this chapter was really good I could really feel the emotions in it. It was a great read thanks

[Skijarama]

7905169 I didn't mark it as complete because of several in-story years and 10 or more chapters of context and build up that are absent and will never be addressed beyond that authors note.