• Published 21st Oct 2013
  • 1,906 Views, 44 Comments

Pegasus Culture and Contrails - TheGreatEater



This is a fic about the magic of pegasi and a pegasus's true cultural heritage as told to Scootaloo by her big sister Rainbow Dash.

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Read at your own peril

Rainbow Dash really was the best big sister that a pony could ask for in Scootaloo's opinion. Especially now that she was adopted by her mentor a little over a month ago after having lived in an orphanage for all those years. Things were starting to look up for her, although she didn't know why Dash kept a gallon jugs of liquid lightning rainbows beside the toilet. After all she learned at an early age that you only go to the bathroom to go pee, that weird thing Earth Ponies and Unicorns did that smelled really nasty afterwards, that wasn't farts, and most importantly too wash up.

Deciding that the temptation was too much she ignored Rainbow Dash's warning to never drink the stuff and gave one of the jugs an experimental sip. The instant it hit her mouth she instantly forgot a months worth of memories and her body started to feel like it was on top of the world. Which she decided was a good idea and ran full throttle to the living room, donning on her Saddle Bags with an upturned fruit bowl on her head like a helmet where she started dancing like a mad mare on the living room table. Screaming the song The Best Stallion is Spike. Randomly throwing school papers around her which she was sure had turned magically into giant marshmallow snowflakes.

It was this madness that Rainbow Dash came home too just as Scootaloo was in the middle of singing her song. Looking at the twitching eyes, the facial features that were twitching all over the place, and her sudden (more than usual) tone deafness. She quickly came to a conclusion and flew past an oblivious Scootaloo to the bathroom to see a gallon jug open and a good chunk empty, giving herself a facehoof she cantered into the living room and grabbed Scootaloo.

"HEY Dash! I know WHAT you're thinking!" Scootaloo said, her voice randomly shifting from yelling to normal speak.

"I bet," Rainbow Dash said sarcastically as she held Scootaloo close to prevent her from hurting herself or others while high on Rainbow Dash's special brew.

"My HAIR IS MADE OF SPIDERS! Also thank you for ADOPTING ME yesterday! WE can eat the marshmallow SNOW FLAKES on the floor later!" Scootaloo screamed, completely oblivious to the fact that she was making no sense, tone def, and completely stoned.

"We'll talk when you get off your high squirt. I'm so sorry that I wasn't more careful with my stuff," Rainbow Dash said as she hugged Scootaloo until the initial rush died down an hour later and Scootaloo passed out in her arms.

Scootaloo awoke to find herself covered in a comforting wing of Rainbow Dash on her big sister's cloudbed. Giving a moan as her head felt like Diamond Tiara's personality. Devoid of anything other than a constant throbbing pain. She saw the wing fold back revealing a rather tired looking Rainbow Dash, "So squirt, how do you like your first hangover?"

"This sucks more than math, and Twilight's lectures all rolled into one. Please Dashie if you love me you'll let me die," Scootaloo whined as the throbbing was made worse by the onslaught of light and the loud noises coming out of her beloved sisters mouth.

"Well sorry Scoots, but you aren't going to die today. You'll just wish that you were. I'm going to cook us up some breakfast and then we'll talk," Rainbow Dash said getting off the bed and opening the blinds. Letting the light from the murderous ball of hate and malice known as the sun burn itself into Scootaloo's poor aching retinas.

"I knew it you're trying to kill me. First the cursed light, now you're going to cook. I'm DOOMED!" Scootaloo yelled melodramatically, earning herself a chuckle from Rainbow Dash.

It was fifteen minuets later when Scootaloo finally got over the initial headache and trudged herself wearily into the bathroom. She immediately noticed that all the gallon jugs were gone, and the room smelled like antiseptics. Washing her face to wake up she decided that a quick death by Rainbow Dash's cooking was better than the slow death that she was going through.

Sitting morosely at her spot at the table she sipped a cup of coffee while memories started flowing back to her. Including bits and pieces she forgot from the initial blast of whatever it was she drank the previous afternoon. Rainbow Dash put a pack of steaming hot pancakes in front of her and waited for her to start eating.

"So squirt. I guess I never asked about what you knew about pegasi," Rainbow Dash said in a casual manner.

"Easy everypony knows pegasi are responsible for making and controlling weather and we fly," Scootaloo said around a mouthful of pancakes.

"Well that's true ... but not everything. That's the stuff we let non pegasi know about, since the truth of our culture and how stuff works would break the brains of other ponies," Rainbow Dash said, "And it's also why you should've listened to me and not drank the stuff in the jugs, but I'll get to that later. But first do you want to know about pegasus culture that we don't show the outside world?"

Scootaloo instantly forgot about her hangover, which by now was only a dull ache anyways, and sported a face splitting grin that would beat Pinkie Pie's hooves down, "You bet! I always wanted to know more about what I am!"

"Alright, but Pinkie Promise you will never tell any non pegasi about this. It's a secret among our kind," Rainbow Dash said leaning in conspiratorially.

Scootaloo did the motions and leaned in with an even bigger grin that threatened to split her face in half. Rainbow Dash took a deep breath and continued, "Well you see us pegasi are special in that we don't ever poop it's part of our magic. But in return our pee is so magically charged with pegasi magic that it in turn has many different effects depending on the pegasus's innate powers. Most are light and wispy and those are used for making clouds. Some have a high electrical charge and those go into making lighting for the storm clouds. Some have other weather like effects. And even fewer have drug or medicine life effects and those are saved up and sold for various purposes," she started before getting interrupted by Scootaloo.

"So you're saying that when you released that raincloud on me and the girls for the Gabby Gums thing, we were being drenched in pee? And everytime we drink rain water we were drinking pee instead!? What about the water you all gather every year?" Scootaloo bombarded Rainbow Dash as her face turned green.

"Don't interrupt, and actually the only reason we gather water from other areas is for the sewage system to gather all the pee around Cloudsdale and move it to where it needs to go. So litterally all the rain, clouds, storms, and even this house is made from pegasi pee. We are taught from a young age to know that are pee is not only drinkable but helpful for the other races in growing stuff. So you were never in any harm. Its just a run off of our weather manipulation.

Me though I'm one of the few whose pee isn't allowed to be flushed or near pony consumption and what I don't release into the forest I sell in Cloudsdale to get more money than I do as a weather captain. What you took was a powerful drug known as "The Dash", and I'm sorry I wasn't more careful with high grade hallucinogenic amphetamines near you," Dash said wrapping up her speech.

"So you pee drugs from how awesome you are?" Scootaloo asked, still not sure on if she was ever going to be able to drink water, or be near water again for as long as she lived knowing it all originated from the bladders of pegasi everywhere.

"Basically. When we get about your age and we've hit a certain stage of magical maturity an administrator from the CWC comes over and test our pee too see what jobs we'll be best suited for. If we get anything that isn't weather related we can choose our own jobs and get extra pay for selling our urine to whoever needs it."

"Well that's cool I guess ... but what about the magic trails pegasi make when they fly is that pee too?" Scoots asked.

"Only a little to give it color, but no. Our trails come from our farts. You've heard of the term 'Breaking Wind' right?"

"Yeah it means to fart right? Don't tell me ... " Scootaloo said knowing what she was about to hear could not be unheard.

" Yep, it's a term we pegasi use since we use it to litterally break wind. We don't poop, but we store magical gas in our stomachs. When we fly the force of our speed causes tiny bits of urine to come out and ignite our farts. That's the contrails we leave behind as well as what we use to gain speed when in the air. And you can tell a lot about the pegasus's urine uses by their contrails. For instance the fire from Spitfire is because her pee is actually flammable," Rainbow Dash said with a nostalgic grin, "And my farts are actually what power my Sonic Rainboom."

Rainbow Dash looked at the glazed expression of Scootaloo before Scoots fainted from shock. Picking her up a second time in not even a day, she held her gently, "Poor Scoots, it must be hard finding all this out at such an old age. But at least now you know about your heritage."

Author's Note:

I am so, so sorry for unleashing this upon the world. It's 1:30 EST, I'm that point of sleepy where you're deprived and somewhat incoherent. I couldn't sleep until this story was written and I hope that it's somewhat enjoyable. If not Fridge Horror worthy. I'm thinking this'll be my offering to Nightmare Night. Since whenever I see rain now all I'll be able to think about is harvested pegasus urine falling down on me.

Well give me any thoughts, comments, or criticisms. And if you do enjoy this fic. Give Rainbow87Dash a look at since he was the one that inspired this fic.

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Comments ( 44 )

Dash pees drugs.

This story is silly as shit, and I love it.

Oh my gosh :rainbowwild: That was the strangest yet most fantastic thing I have ever read :pinkiehappy: Except for a few minor grammar errors, this was brilliant :pinkiehappy: Crazy, but brilliant!

I uh um gah I I don't know what to say

Yes. Deprived writing is best writing.

Well, this makes about as much sense as anything else, I guess.

that was freakin Funny:rainbowlaugh: i honesly hope ther will be a seqal or somethan lawl

That was awesome! Just remember, you had a bunch of mere phrases or run-off sentences that could have been synthesized into complete, real sentences by simply combining them together. Definitely faving it though!

3377661

Yep this was actually a joke comment made by Rainbow87Dash and me and that person kind of ran with it in the comment section of the linked story (in the long description). It was just begging to be written. Thanks for the comment though I'm glad you loved it.

3377700

I need to run this through an editor one of these days to find the grammar problems, but thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

3377733

Yay :yay:! I made somepony speechless. Did you like it?

3377767

Yes it is :twilightsmile:.

3377982

If you'd like you can PM me the errors and I'll fix them up, but I'm definitely going to have an editor look through it one of these days. I'm glad you liked it :twilightsmile:.

HOW! HOW did my fic inspire the conversation that inspired this? I'm so confused... :applejackconfused: I mean...it was just a vile of liquid rainbow. :facehoof:

Well for as disturbing, and toilet humored as it is, I found it hilarious. I threw up a thumb for ya. :rainbowlaugh:

Well i read it and its as crazy as the conversation we had :rainbowlaugh:

3378174

Mostly because instead of breathing fire like Pinkie Pie did she started tweaking, got hyper and suffered memory loss like she was on drugs. So we were left wondering what was in the vial, and we came up with liquid lightning rainbows that Rainbow Dash peed out and held in a vial. Then we guessed that it was a drug that Dash urinates with how Scoots was acting ... things just kind of spiraled from there.

3378846

But everyone knows pegasi don't poop. Cute clip though.

3378973 LMAO, she just touched the vial though. She never actually drank the thing! :rainbowlaugh:

3379193

:raritystarry: ... That is so much worse. If Dash, Pinkie, and countless others could touch normal liquid rainbows ... and Scoots gets high :rainbowlaugh:. Poor Dashie what is she passing out of herself :rainbowderp:. That'd make this fic so much more hardcore :pinkiegasp:.

3379210 HAHAHA Oh what have I done. :rainbowlaugh:

3379236 Yay! Thanks! I love RD cupcakes. :pinkiecrazy:

As for the follow, oh I see how you play the game. Gonna mine me for sick twisted ideas...aren'cha! :pinkiegasp:

Well at least you didnt take the sneezing scene from episode two into account when Scootaloo got her nickname Squee-chi. RD was also present there. :derpytongue2:

And on second thought...maybe I should have had Discord sucking on RD in the Nightmare Night fic instead of Pinkie... :duck: hmmm...

3379281

:pinkiegasp: But Pinkie Pie's coat is covered in a perma-coating of 90% sugar, but Dashie is spicy, with that extra-special kick that gives "tasting the rainbow" a whole new meaning. But yeah I wasn't going to use Squee-Chi here, but I'm planning on using it on Golden Wings. It is the cutest, most adorably fitting nickname for Scootaloo. It has actually became head canon.

But yeah I'm definitely going to enjoy mining you for inspiration. You have such a cute series. Much love for it, it's one of my top 5 favorite series.

I almost died and fell over laughing after I finished that. I'm never going to be able to even HEAR "Sonic Rainboom" without laughing my butt off ever again :rainbowlaugh:

3378048 actually despite the absurdity of it all i did enjoy it

3380670

:yay: ... success. Same here, although think about this. What does she have to eat in order to pull off a double sonic rainboom?

3380977

:twilightsmile:.

So you mean I was drinking scootaloo pee? Sorry but yes... I was wondering why it tasted like chicken.

3386039

Delicious chicken, marinated in awesomesauce :scootangel:.

3387412

Yep, Scootaloo is quite the pony. I can never stop doing things for her in my fics. I mean she was a magic talent in one fic, and got to be an alicorn in another.

3387494

I actually followed and am waiting for Discord's Parting Gift for the CMC (such an awesome fic). I know have to read that other fic you made.

This is funny. If this was another chapter long, I kinda wonna know what Scoots pee is... >.> Don't judge me...

4891694

I won't, all I could say is :trixieshiftleft::trixieshiftright: It's all kinds of magical :rainbowlaugh:. :trollestia:, seriously though, good question in context of the story.

Dude, this is wrong for all the right reasons.

5022744

If you thought this way about this fic, then you should give Say What?! a read. And thank you for the compliment :twilightsmile:.

4891702 This should actually get a sequel where we find out what Scootaloo's pee does.

The most hilarious thing about this story is that it actually makes a disturbing amount of sense.

Well... you did warn me.

and now thanks for killing the fandom for me
I hate you so much BYE FIMFICTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6277773 I was joking this story once I thought about it disturbs me alot

6278191

Yes I agree it is a quite a disturbing story. But it's one of those fics you write in 3 in the morning because you muse is evil :twilightsmile:. That and I did at least attempt at giving a fair warning on the second paragraph ^_^.

I shall use this in my oral fanfictions.

"So you're saying that when you released that raincloud on me and the girls for the Gabby Gums thing, we were being drenched in pee? And everytime we drink rain water we were drinking pee instead!? What about the water you all gather every year?" Scootaloo bombarded Rainbow Dash as her face turned green.

so my theory that rain is god's pee is brought to life in this fic... i love it

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