• Member Since 18th Oct, 2013
  • offline last seen Feb 15th, 2014

Lemoncupquakes


I am here to write story's for other authors ;D I'm doing it free and it would be my pleasure. Though I do make stories that ONLY made for my account and my account alone. Just lettin everypony know :

E

Twilight acquired her wings not to long ago and now she's thinking of she is going to do next. While she has been thinking Rainbow Dash has been planing a little something for her new flying buddy.

EDIT: This is going to be an ongoing series with one or two chapters each week, more if I can, and I am also going to try to get out a new short with that to :D the reson there are only one or two each week is because I still go to school and am busy, but I try to do what I can ;)

Chapters (11)
Comments ( 11 )

I'm currently at work so I'll read this story later. But in the meantime, I noticed two mistakes in the description.

Twilight acquired her wings not to long ago and now she's thinking of she is going to do next.

I think your missing a word there.

While she has been thinking Rainbow Dash has been planing a little something for her new flying buddy.

And a comma there. And using "she's" instead might make it a bit easier. I'll read the rest later.

Thanks :twilightsmile: I'll fix those as soon as possible :scootangel:
Though this is a work in a long progress it is an on going series and I was never good at gramer:facehoof:

I really need to work on grammar:twilightoops:

Hahaha " you understanded friendship". I'd be a little concerned if the person in charge of my government used that quote to explain why they put someone in a position of power.
Sorry just imagining celestia saying that seriously made my day=D

Yeah me to, because :trollestia: is not a pony that would say that on the actual show :pinkiecrazy:

chapters way too short for what young going for. Also there is just so little going on in your story really, you gloss over so much and Twilight just cries over her situation rather than really think about it. Also I don't think the dress and the other Elements of harmony would comprise her daily dress, I doubt Celestia would force Twilight to wear more than necessary.

thanks for the tip, I will work on that :twilightsmile:

Im really not concerned about long chapters, I just want to make sure they make sense and are intresting any way :twilightsmile:

Eugh, chapter way too short, weaboo Twilight, tons of punctuation and spelling errors... I dunno man, maybe you should;

A. Set at least a 500 word goal per chapter and maybe try to do 50 more every week, till you get to a good number, but don't try to force the words, then it seems the story itself is forced.
B. Get a spellchecker program or an editor.
C. Or if you just get a spellchecker maybe read it over again, took me a minute to read all eleven chapters, shouldn't take too long to check it over for spelling or punctuation errors.

Got a nice concept dude, just the story itself needs some love and polishing. I should add, I ain't a writer, just my personal opinion, sorry if I offended. :twilightblush:

It's okay, I was wondering when someone was going to point that out, and YES! I do have an editor :twilightsmile:

all right so i like the premise one of my problems right now so far is your grammar so I'm going to copy paste the story and try to make corrections.
(maybe I'll do them in color while I'm at it)


While Twilight was crying, Spike was downstairs eating a tub of rainbow sherbert ice cream. He was about halfway through the tub when he heard a know knock on the door " Hello? Anypony home?" Came the muffled sound of Rainbow Dash's voice. "Hi Rainbow, what are you here for?" Asked Spike this doesn't feel right maybe have it as answered spike instead of asked, also I don't think you need the A capitalized as the two words Aked and spike do not make a complete sentence. . "Oh um, I came to see Twilight to help her learn how to fly better" "Sure, She's upstairs" "K', thanks Spike" Said Rainbow Dash I think at this point you can replace Rainbow dash with she as since it's only a two person conversation the audience should recognize what you mean.. Twilight heard Rainbows hoof steps and stopped cry crying and wiped away the tears.

Even though she stopped crying she still felt horrible on the inside we already established in the last sentence that she's isn't crying anymore, maybe replace with something like even though her eyes were dry she still felt as though her mind were mired in a deep swamp... or something like that. Rainbow got to the top of the stairs she saw Twilight sitting there by the window just staring into to space. She just frowned and suddenly yelled "UP AND ATTENTION" The sudden yell nearly gave Twilight a heart attack. I don't know where you're going with this it seems kind of abrupt for Rainbow to suddenly pull a drill sergeant act on twilight, also your UP AND ATTENTION doesn't feel right when I read it. Is that really what they shout?

Five minutes later she was flying throw through Rainbow Dash's obstacle corse course. She was still wondering how in Equestria the clouds wherewere on fire. It wasn't very easy to concentrationconcentrate or maintain concentration on the course with Rainbow dash in the background shouting "HUT TWO THREE FOUR HUT TO THREE FOUR HUT TWO THREE FOUR" I think you could use a period after the quote and then place After about.. as your transitioning time About three hours of flying lessons Rainbow finally let Twilight go home.

Andshe? didn't want to know what would happen tomarrow tomorrow (I have trouble spelling this one as well).
hope this helps :twilightsmile:
ahh that reminds me wasn't it raining in the last chapter why are they doing training now and how are the clouds staying lit?

Login or register to comment