The Shipping Files

Source

Two couples.
Four Ponies.
Just one special day but still more than enough.
Crazy adventures and misunderstandings abound but when love is on a pony's side where's the worry?
A collection of intertwined narrative written by the Odd Pair of FimFiction, Damocles23 and SerenityViewer.
Cover art and general editing by SerenityViewer.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 6 )

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Larsen

Larsen #1 · Sep 19th, 2013 · 1 · ·

A very sweet story.

There's a couple of things I would recommend changing.

The scene with Bon-Bon and Lyra.
"Something flashed before her eyes: a chubby, pink silhouette that kept growing and growing larger"
This seems like a contradiction. When something flashes before your eyes it's a quick flash. When something's grows before your eyes it's there for some time.

The dialog here seems very awkward and stale.
“This is so great, you’re the best fillyfriend ever!” Lyra licked her lips and rubbed her hooves together with a content look.
Bon-Bon just waved a hoof at her.
“For something so small? You’re easy to please,” she giggled. “Come on, give it a taste.”
“The smallest things are the best, after all.”

I like that Bon-bon is serious and giving, while Lyra is silly and receiving. In a very short scene you portray them the same way i see them.

The scene at Rarity.

I think their discussion should focus more on why Dash is afraid it'll go wrong between her and Pinkie and less about how much she love her. It's the scene where we learn, why Dash is running and I ain't gonna buy it unless you sell it.
And Rarity, the element of generosity, pulling out a bottle of wine without offering her friend some?

I love the references to the hearts and hooves day episode.
Raritys "subtle" hint=brilliant.
Also Dash disguised as a mannequin, awesome.

The scene at the tree

I don't get it. When Dash talked with Rarity, i got the impression she ran because she was afraid, that if she became serious with Pinkie Pie something would go wrong and they wouldn't see each other ever again.
In this scene all that worry is gone, now it seems like the problem's that she was afraid to admit her feelings to herself. It's a fine plot point but if that's the idea you really need to change the Rarity scene a lot because this dialog resolved that problem in 10 seconds flat.
“Well, that wouldn’t be so bad, right? I’m not here to tell you how to live your life, nor trying to be some improbable matchmaker, but Pinkie Pie is...not somepony you’d want to avoid for such a reason. Maybe just give her a chance?”
“Ah! Yeah, she’s so amazing I could totally...” A smile brightened Rainbow’s face

I LOVE the idea that it's not a hearts and hooves day card Pinkie has been trying to deliver that was awesome and i didn't see it coming.

The scene at the café

I find it weird that Pinkie wouldn't know exactly who Caramel Apple was, when his birthday is, if he prefer muffins or cupcakes where he's from and a lot of other useless information.

So in summary
There's room for improvement, some of the dialog seems off, I don't totally understand why Dash does what she does and i think some character traits are missing. But i still liked it.