After a prank gone terribly, terribly wrong, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash find themselves on the run.On top on being forced to abandon their old lives and pursued by a mysterious force ( and a azure unicorn with a massive ego and undisclosed goals) they'll have to face something far more dangerous: their feelings: Because the only thing nopony can escape from is their Heart.
Will their lives ever be the same? No, because we need conflict and it would be a very short story if we haven't got some.
Cover Image fully credited to Musapan.
Chapters (7)
I feel I should say straight off the bat that you need to space some of the paragraphs out more.
The first thing a reader sees is one giant block of unbroken text. It's very off-putting.
533688
I concur! Messy text is messy *sad face*
533688
I thought so, had some problems with the uploading of text itself. Maybe i'll make some changes later.
looks promising
WIll definitely read!
tracking
Marked this to read in just a bit, I'm interested in how this might turn out by the looks of it, anywho I've got somewhere around 43 updates to tackle real quick first.
Looks good. I'll be tracking this to see where it goes.
Yeah, you need to put spaces between paragraphs. Indent them too, if you're feeling fancy, although stories with indents sadly seem to be in the minority on this site.
There are also numerous grammar problems that need fixing, especially where you have for some reason put in colons before or after dialogue.
All that aside, I'm a sucker for Rainbow Pie, and this looks like it could be an interesting story, so I'll be keeping an eye on it.
sad tag scares me a little, but... Is PinkieDash!... I'll give it a try...
Make the speech it's own paragraph. Other than that, this was very impressive for a first story. You write with the caliber of someone who isn't a rookie, but not a veteran yet (me).
This is definitely, well-written and I want more!
Silver out!
there are numerous spelling, and probably grammatical errors, but that is likely to be expected. Sometimes the flow of the story seems a little awkward, but I'm not sure how to quantify that.
All in all, a very good start of what looks to be a good story. Especially given that this is your first time.
There are errors, but i want moar :D
Loyalty can be something terrible sometimes ....
547463
You can say that again. Would you believe that i was going to use that for a title?
547533
Wat?
Hmm yes I can see it as a title ,but it's too long I think.
Oh and since you sadi that : Loyalty can be something terrible sometimes .... (
)
*reads first two chapters*
*(BUCKING TRACKED)*
On a side note, i think the Encore for Daft Punk's Alive 2007 fits this fic so well; it's a huge metaphor. Like the "encore" of their lives in this fic. I'm just babbling, sorry.
good stuff. tracked.
Second chapter out! wooo!
A lot darker then it should? That means it's good.
A lot darker ? Doesn't sound that good ...
ALL
HELL
BROKE
LOOSE
*Ghostbusters
Enough chitchat, on to pressing matters.
try listening to some happy music or something, maybe that'll help.
Darker, you say?
inb4 this is another music related comment
Welcome to hell. we have cupcakes here... just don't advise actually eating them...
anyway, bad reference aside, interesting chapter, and thanks for finally explaining what the prank was...
563613 Ghostbusters? You're closer than you think, muhahahaha
563894 gesundheit
564329 I'm sorry for the reference but i think you have to use it, at least once. And only once, so i'm out
Awesome!
Dun-dun-DUUN!!!!!!!!!!!!
I get SO DAMN EXCITED when this fic gets updated because it's SO DAMN GOOD! /)^3^(\
654130
, it'll probably be the best one yet!
Thank you, Dearie. And if you're liking it now, wait for the next chapter
Alright! Nice. It's back!
I dislike all the swearing. I really cannot see any pony swear to anyone in Equestria the way you made them do. It's kind of a storybreaker for me. I loved where you were taking it but then they started swearing all over the place... I liked everything else, just not that.
Wait... health problems? Damn, hope you're okay.
( I need to stop using damn)
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.
Yeah...I wanted to underline the tension and frustation but maybe i went a little overboard
656413
Please don't worry, dearie. I'm better now, it was difficult, but...I'm alright
Well, this definitely isn't bad at all. Your sentences are a bit oddly constructed sometimes, but nothing too serious. Color me intrigued. I really do wonder how Trixie is going to fit into this..
I'm just guessing it's Trixie because of the tag.
So far, I'm very interested in this story. I specially love the way you write Pinkie.
Constructive criticism time!
but you should get an editor to fix up your work. I had to spellcheck the word "criticism", so it can't be me.
First of all, i'd like to point out that there seems to be a template copy-paste thing going on here.
"...And there was that one time at bandcamp, but that's another story..."
^seems to be happening frequently to me.
Another thing, your storytelling is absolutely marvelous,
Anyways, I love this story, and I'll know this is going to be good.
This story needs more popularity, and more editing. :P. Just fix the spelling errors and people will flow in in no time. With that said, IN B4 EQD dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra.png
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Since i'm still sticking to the POV, it's a bit early but don't owrry. It's soon
728628
Yeah, but i'm don't know where to start searching for one. Any ideas? I'm still kinda new.
729167
That's marvelous encouragement. Thank you!
Cliffhangerzzz!!!
At firs I was like:
Wait a minute– This isn't Pulp Fiction!
But then it came together and then a cliffhanger... Well played, good sir.
This story is very well written. Good work!
You really have events and the emotions planned out well for this one I see.
Silver out!
A few spelling errors and left out words here and there, but overall pretty good. I don't feel like scrolling back and searching for the errors again though, so you'll have to find them yourself
Huzzah for convenient circumstances! Pretty good chapter, I'm as interested in Dash and Pinkie's relationship as I am Vinyl's and Octavia's.
This is a very good story man but please double check the grammar before you submit.
This story is actually a lot better than many other stories on this site.
You keep the characters in character pretty well and the situations are completely believable. It really well-written and choreographed.
Keep this up, you're doing well!
924110
Aaaww, thanks SIlverstein. If only i could make it more popular...Maybe a TV Tropes page?
Good story so far!
Probably a good story. I didn't read it...