Chapter 23: Parasprites
Princess Celestia was coming to town for a visit, and all the townspeople were hard at work. While most of them did insignificant tasks like watering flowers and putting up misspelled banners, Cassandra was busy protecting the town from invaders. However, because she wasn’t perfect, she didn’t have enough time to put up both the Changeling and Parasprite barriers. Faced with a difficult decision, she decided to rely on the age old coin flip,
“Heads I put up the Changeling barrier, tails I put up the Parasprite barrier. Wait… this won’t actually be random, because I know the secret to making it land on whichever side I want.” What she needed was a pony who wasn’t so distracted by knowledge and thinking, a tabula rasa of a brain.
“Hey Applejack! Flip this for me!” she called out to the orange pony, throwing her the coin. Applejack caught it with her hoof and obliged,
“It’s heads!” she shouted back. The coin flip was sacred, there was no going back.
*****
Fluttershy came across a strange insectoid creature. It was about the size of a golf ball, with four wings and huge green eyes. When she tried to feed it, it ate all the apples in one bite.
“This is the perfect pet for somepony who has no source of income,” she said.
*****
Cassandra stopped by Sugarcube Corner, where the Cakes were having trouble with Pinkie Pie eating everything.
“Mr and Mrs. Cake, just wanted to let you know that I couldn’t put the parasprite barrier up. It’s probably not going to be a problem, but I just thought I’d be on the safe side and alert all the food service establishments. Just be on the lookout for bugs, and don’t let anypony bring in outside food.”
“Ugh parasprites!” said Pinkie, her mouth full of chocolate cake, “I hate how they eat everything and make infinite clones of themselves!”
“Pinkie, do you know what the pot calling the kettle black means?” asked Cassandra
“Nopey dopey,” said Pinkie Pie continuing to stuff herself, “but I know what a parasprite is, and that’s surprisingly uncommon knowledge”
“Touche” said Cassandra, “anyways, I’ve got a dozen more shops to alert, so you two take care.
Later, the rest of the Mane cast except Applejack stopped by. Fluttershy showed them the Parasprite that she had found, which had now become three.
“Eew a parasprite!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie, “Now I have to go find a trombone!”
“Um ok” said Twilight bewildered, “care to explain that in more detail?”
“Nope, I think that’s enough to give you the gist” said Pinkie Pie, and she dashed off
“Anyway” continued Fluttershy, “there was only one of these before. Do you two want to take the others?”
“Well, apart from the fact that I know nothing about Parasprite care, sure, I can’t see anything going wrong with this.” concluded Twilight
“I feel like I should consult Cassandra before making this sort of life decision” said Rarity.
“Bah” said Twilight, “You’re smart enough to make that decision on your own.”
“You know what? You’re right, I WILL make this decision on my own, and I choose… to keep this parasprite!”
“Way to go, Rarity!” cheered Twilight.
“Incidentally” said Rarity, “Why are the called a ‘Pair of Sprites’ when there are three of them here?”
“That seems like a good place to terminate this conversation.”
*****
The ponies of Ponyville knelt before Princess Celestia, their heads bowed in shame. Cassandra stood by her long lost sister’s side, looking stoic
“Somepony” began Celestia, “Is responsible for bringing the parasprite invasion to Ponyville. And just like in the movie “Spartacus,” I will spare the lives of everypony here, as long as the individual responsible steps forward and accepts their punishment of five practice kissing sessions with Cassandra.”
Fluttershy was ready to confess. It was time to atone for her crimes. She took a deep breath,
“I’m Spartacus!” The crowd gasped and looked around to see who had spoken up. It was Rainbow Dash, head held high, and hooves planted firm.
“No darling, I’m Spartacus!” said Rarity, also rising to her feet.
“I’m Spartacus!” said Cherilee
“I’m Spartacus!” said Big Mac (see? I didn’t forget that Cassandra’s bisexual)
“I’m Spartacus!” said the mayor
“I’m Spartacus” said Spitfire
“I’m Spartacus” said Lemon Hearts.
As the shouting continued, and Celestia leaned over to Cassandra and whispered,
“What are we going to do?”
“I’ll have to take one for the team” said Cassandra, “Hedging our bets is the only way to ensure that the guilty get punished”
As usual, Celestia was bowled over by Cassandra’s bravery.
“Ah’m Spartacus!” said Applejack
“No” said Cassandra, “you’re not.”
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I'm Spartacus, and so is my wife.
Ok, I just powered through this and... oh my God, this is amazing. it sucks, oh God is this story bad, but it's AMAZINGLY bad, like enjoyable. I love it. Most people reviewing this are taking it WAY too seriously, but you have my support, you Great and terrible magnificent bastard.
3361066 Thanks man, love the support.
This is almost as good as My Immortal. Bravo!
Seriously though, a Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way crossover would be amazing.
3363544 Hmm, maybe.
3361066 i am still reading this for the exact same reason
When I first read this, I thought it was serious. At this point, I revoked my dislike and left a like. Good story!
Consulting Cassandra is the worst thing you can ever do
The author behind this is actually brilliant.