The Cassandra Chronicles

by CassandraMyOCisBestpony

Chapter 39: The Trading Post

The ponies went to the Rainbow Falls for the annual swap meet. Twilight was serving as an arbiter of trades. The rule used to be that only a princess could serve as arbiter, but at Cassandra's behest, they added an additional clause that the arbiter had to be somepony smart. This didn't sit well with Cadence, Luna, or Celestia, because it meant they were no longer qualified, but Cassandra distracted them with a shiny object, and the world kept turning.

On the train, the ponies planned for how they would spend their time.

"I have a simply mahvellous idea, darling," said Rarity to Applejack, "why don't we pool our goods, and buy something that we both like, darling?"

"Careful now Rarity," warned Cassandra, "you two don't have many interests in common. You may have trouble agreeing on something to buy."

"Pshaw, we got plenty a' common interests" scoffed Applejack, "we both have tails, we both walk on four legs, we both breathe air, an' we both like ta have a roll in th' hay with Braeburn." She began to drool.

"Well you sure showed me" said Cassandra mock-defeatedly. There were times when being a good friend meant stepping aside and letting your friends learn a lesson the hard way.

They got to the fair, and Twilight set up a stand to get rid of her old books.

"I'll give you this pocket lint for one book," offered a pony.

"Cassandra," whispered Twilight, "is that a good deal?"

"You tell me" whispered back Cassandra, "you're a smart pony, and I trust you to make the right decision. After all, I am the Element of Trust."

Twilight was giddy that Cassandra was trusting her, but at the same time nervous about validating her trust. "O-ok" she began shakily, "I'm gonna say... no. That is not a fair trade."

"I'll give you a plastic fork," offered another pony

"I don't think so" said Twilight, now with a little more confidence.

"Ok, well how about this scepter?"

"Hmm...ok, deal."

"Well look at you, Twilight!" lauded Cassandra, "looks like you can stand on your own four feet. I have some trades of my own to do, so I'll see you around."

---

"Rarity, come quick!" cried Applejack, "ah found a rusty pie tin, and ah need ta use yer stuff ta buy it."

"Applejack, we're supposed to be buying something that we both like. Like this broach for example."

"That broach has nothin' ta do with apples!" objected Applejack, "why th' hay do ya think ah'd buy it???"

"Well I want this broach and I'm not budging!"

"And ah want this pan, so ah guess we got ourselves a Marexican standoff."

"That's only a standoff if our things are equally valuable. A piece of jewelry is ten times more valuable! You have to give in to logic!"

"Like hell ah do!"

"Why, you...." Her lip began to quiver and she ran away, bawling her eyes out.

---

"The bird?"

"Or the cage?"

"Or perhaps the bird?"

"Nothing beats the cage..."

"Why not both?" interjected Cassandra, "I have two voxophones to trade." The conversation was interrupted. by Rarity, who was running towards Cassandra and sobbing profusely.

"Aw, Rarity, what's the matter?" asked Cassandra, hugging her friend, and stroking her mane, "sssh, don't cry. Tell Auntie Cassandra what's wrong."

"I pooled my stuff with Applejack, a-and I found some thing I wanted to buy, and she found something she wanted to buy, and she won't let me buy my bro-o-oach!" She started crying again.

"Rarity, you are the element of generosity " said Cassandra bluntly, "you have to concede."

"But I don't WANT to!!!" she whined, "I've had it! If I can't get what I want, nopony does!!!" She stormed off.

---

"Hey look, Fluttershy, it's a Daring Do book!" said Rainbow.

"I'll trade it for an Orthros." said the mare in charge of the stand.

"trafficking exotic creatures is wrong" whispered Fluttershy, but everyone ignored her, because the animal rights episode was 15 weeks ago, and who can remember that far back? They went to the dog store but the colt in charge would only trade them the Orthros for a chicken lamp

"Looks like we've got an adventure on our hands." said Rainbow

"Oh no, I didn't have any plans for today" said Fluttershy.

---

"I'll trade you this throne for a stack of books"

"One book" replied Twilight

"That's ludicrous!"

"You wanna see ludicrous? Your throne for one chapter!"

"But-

"One page! And if the next words out of your mouth aren't 'I accept your deal,' I'll teleport this book inside of you!"

"Y-yes princess" said the pony meekly, dropping his throne and running away.

Another pony begged Twilight, "please let me have a book! I'll give you my house."

"Oh, all right" replied Twilight lazily, lounging on her throne. She waved him away. "Next peasant!"

"There must be something I can give you for this book."

"Hmm, how about your baby?"

"What? That's not a fair trade!"

"Isn't it? Let's consult the princess. Oh princess Twilight, is this a fair trade? Why yes, Princess Twilight, yes it is! I'm the goddamn princess, you worm! I can do whatever the hell I want Ha! Hahahahahaha! Ahahaha... oh, ohhhh *anh!*". Her evil laughter tirned to moans of pleasure, the abuse of power making her seriously hot and bothered.

"What in Celestia's name is going on here?" demanded Cassandra.

"I'm being the trade decider!" squealed Twilight, "it's fun!"

"No Twilight, you're being a bully," scolded Cassandra, "with great power comes great responsibility." she said, using her level 99 phrase-coining. "Don't be sad though, the mistake is mine. I trusted you too much, I should have realized that this conflict of interest was too much for you to handle."

"It's ok Cassandra, we all learned something today. Never again will I trade and arbitrate at the same time."

"So you know what you have to do with your books, right?"

"Right." Twilight conjured up a spell from her horn, and the books burst into flames.

"I meant give them away for free"

"Well, your folly for trusting me" said Twilight. They both laughed.

---

Rarity and Applejack met up again, eyeing each other up confrontationally.

"Applejack."

"Rarity."

"I'm no fool. I know you won't relent until you get what you want. So rather than fight you, I decided to concede in the most passive-aggressive way possible.". She pulled out a different rusty pie tin. "The asking price for this was one paper clip, but I insisted that he take everything I had. Enjoy your cooking implement, and remember how expensive it was every time you use it.

"Well ah got a gift too" snarled Applejack, "ah bought ya th' most expensive jeweled barrette ah could find. But since ah'm a simpleminded country bumpkin who knows nothin' about jewelry or fashion, ah'm almost positive they sold me a fake."

"Well screw you"

"Well screw you." They both stormed off, angry and regretful for ignoring Cassandra's advice.

---

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy had finally gotten the Orthros, but they lost control of it, and it went careening into the crowd. Luckily nopony was hurt except Applejack who died, and just as the dog was about to attack the Daring Do shopowner, there came a loud whistle from the beautiful and wise Cassandra. The Orthros stopped in its tracks and sat obediently at Cassandra's feet.

"Cassandra!" exclaimed the shopkeeper, you saved me! Please, take this Daring Do book as a token of my gratitude!"

"Awesome!" exclaimed Rainbow Dash, I finally got my Daring Do book!" She motioned to grab it from Cassandra.

"Not so fast" said Cassandra, pulling it back, "This is a Traders' Exchange after all. You have to trade me some practice kissing for it."

"Is that a fair trade?" asked Rainbow.

"That's not for me to decide, is it, Princess?" She smiled at Twilight.

"Y-you still trust me after all that happened today?" asked Twilight meekly

"It will take a while for my trust to mend fully, but I believe in you to make this decision."

"Oh thank you Cassandra, I won't let you down! For this trade... I say, yes!"

Comments

[MoldyShishkabob]

"Why not both?"

Is Cassandra that one Mexican girl, now grown up?

[CassandraMyOCisBestpony]

4473964 The little girl overheard Cassandra saying it, and pretended like she thought of it all on her own. But Cassandra let her keep it, because friendship means not picking fights over the little things.

[MoldyShishkabob]

4474015 I'm so silly.
How could I have not realized such an important fact?

I shall repent for my sins by bowing in prayer to my Cassandra portrait.

[CassandraMyOCisBestpony]

4477029 Well see there's this pony called Cassandra, and she's the best pony in Equestria, and possibly any universe. Does that answer your questions?

[dragonjek]

4447009 One of the defining traits of a Mary Sue is how everyone loves them and overlooks all their possible flaws (and people who see anything wrong with them are terrible, horrible, and evil). CassandraMyOCisBestpony is playing the part of another person under the thrall of the Mary Sue. Poking holes in the fourth wall, you could say.

Her/His constant reassurances of Cassandra's perfection and non-Mary-Sue-ness only serve to highlight how much of a Sue Cassandra is. It's honestly one of the more impressive ways to parody a Mary Sue that I've seen so far... although I don't spend much time reading Parody Sue fics.

[Queen Fangirl]

4447009 This is a trollfic 200%, I assure you. I don't even have to explain why.