The Cassandra Chronicles

by CassandraMyOCisBestpony

Chapter 61: Swap Day

“And then she went zwoosh into the kitchen and zhwoosh! Back into the dining room, carrying a twelve-course meal for each of the twelve ponies, that’s…” Pinkie trailed off counting on her hooves

“Gross” cut in Maud

“Why I’m surprised at you Maud!” said Rarity, “it is highly intolerant of you to dismiss an entire race’s food like that before you’ve even tried it!”

“She means 12x12 is 144, or as somepony who deals with large quantities of items would call it, a gross” explained the ever-wise conversation-salvaging long-lost sister of the princess, Cassandra.

“That’s a relief” said Rarity, “because apart from a relatively short list of exceptions, I abhor xenophobia!”

“...anyway, that’s how the Tasty Treat restaurant was saved,” finished Pinkie, “also, me and Rarity were there too.”

“Twas indeed fascinating” agreed Rarity, “but anyway, why are we here?”

“Philosophy is one of my interests as well,” said Maud

“No no, she means please exposit on what our plans are for the day,” said Cassandra, “and the answer is, we’re here for the traditional capsid.”

“That’s an acronym, not the protein shell of a virus, which consists of several oligomeric structural subunits made of protein called protomer.” clarified Maud

“CAPSSD - Cassandra and Pie Sisters Swap Day,” said Pinkie, “that’s where Cassandra tells us what gifts to buy each other.”

“And I compensate her for her time with another type of gift. Wink.” said Maud.

“I shall be scouting for locations and also helping out with the gift giving,” finished Rarity. Cassandra didn’t need any help but she recognized it was important to make her friends feel like they were contributing once in a while.

---

“Can I make a confession, Cassandra?” asked Maud

“Maud, you probably don’t know this because we’ve only met a few times, but I am the Element of Trust. That means you can confide in me.”

“My confession is that I do not understand emotions or social behaviors.” Cassandra recognized that it was important not to undermine Maud’s sense of trust by pointing out how obvious that was.

“It’s ok Maud. While the world isn’t ready for me to go into the psychological details on a kids’ show, I know all about ponies like you, and I'm here to help. First, think of a thing that Pinkie likes.”

“Parties.”

“Good, now build off of that.”

“Political parties. I will purchase a textbook about government.”

“Try again.”

“Cupcakes. Cups. A set of plastic cups.”

“Ok, one more try” said Cassandra, exhibiting Level 99 patience.

“Candy…. I should buy her some ripped-up candy wrappers.” Cassandra decided that this was a good learning opportunity, for Maud on gift-giving, and for Pinkie on expressing gratitude for any gift no matter how lame.

“That is a gift worthy of the CAPSSD moniker. Now I have to go check on your sister. She and Rarity just did something really stupid.”

“How do you know?”

“I used my Cassandra Sense. Now, can you make it back to the park on your own without getting lost?”

“Analytically, there is a 65% chance.”

“That’s good enough to get a rocktorate, it’s good enough for me.” She took off, leaving a Sonic Cassandraboom in her wake.

“I should get a rocktorate. That would be sentimentary.”

“Sedimentary!” called Cassandra from afar.

---

“Alright morons, what did you do?” demanded Cassandra. It was harsh, but time was of the essence and she was right.

“I traded my cannon for a rock pouch!” sobbed Pinkie

“And I didn’t find a location for my boutique!” added Rarity.

“You two have no idea how lucky you are that I once had a part-time gig as a private investigator specializing in boutique locating and scam artist hunting. Go have some ice cream and I’ll sort this out.” She tossed them some bits and flew off again.

---

It took Cassandra 15 seconds to find the pony who had taken Pinkie’s cannon, who happened to be on the street that had the perfect location for a new boutique.

“Hey there buddy, that’s a nice cannon you got there.”

“Yeah, I bullied some desperate pony into trading it to me for just a rock pouch. Deal of the century!” sneered the pony

“Well clearly you’re a colt who knows a good deal when he sees one, and have I got a deal for you. I’ll trade you these crutches for that party cannon, what do you say?”

“Forget about it, I don’t need those.”

“You will in a minute. Unfortunately for you, I have a zero-tolerance policy for bullying.” She kicked him in the leg, snapping it as easy as a wooden matchstick.

“AAAUGH! Lady, have you gone mad?”

“Nopony picks on my friends!” said Cassandra, kicking out another one of his legs, “DON’T! EVER! DO! THAT! AGAIN!” she yelled, punctuating each word with a kick to his ribs.

“P-please Cassandra! Have mercy, I promise I’ll only do fair trades from now on.”

“ZERO TOLERANCE!” roared Cassandra. She picked up one of the crutches and began beating him so hard that his bruises showed even through his fur. His eyes were crooked from the head trauma. HIs precious gold tooth fell out when he tried to talk, and skittered into a sewer grate. It was futile to try, he only managed to cough up blood. “Relax, you’ll be back up and running eventually. Well maybe not running.” She chuckled at that. She took off with the party cannon, completely unhindered by its weight.

---

Cassandra met up with the rest of the group and sang the Pie Sister Swap Day Song, which featured two verses from her, and Pinkie finishing off with “It’s the Cassandra and Pie Sister Swap Day Soooong!”

“Hey.” added Maud.

“Cassandra I’m so so so so happy that you brought back my super special awesome party cannon! Maud is happy too!” cheered Pinkie Pie. Maud did manage to muster up the slightest of smiles. “This is so much better than having to choose between the rock pouch and my party cannon!”

“I must too express my commendations for Cassandra finding the perfect location after I failed so terribly miserably,” added Rarity, “but incidentally, how did you get him to give back the cannon without giving up the rock pouch.”

“Oh, I found a rare bottlecap that turned out to be the last one he needed for his collection.”

“Why he must have been overjoyed.”

“He was so happy he could barely stand up.” said Cassandra with a grin. They would never know just how lucky they were to have a friend like Cassandra.

Comments

[howard035]

Cassandra needs to put the heads of bullies on spikes in a circle around Ponyville, to send a clearer message. As it is, I think she's too tolerant of bullies, or people making trades, or whatever that guy was.

[CassandraMyOCisBestpony]

8280046
He was extorting desperate ponies by trades, and Cassandra thinks that that's bullying