The Cassandra Chronicles

by CassandraMyOCisBestpony

Chapter 51: The Rock Farm

Pinkie Pie and Applejack were going to visit Pinkie Pie's family for Hearth's Warming Eve. As Pinkie and Applejack were the two least mentally-developed of the Mane 7, Cassandra graciously agreed to go with them.

"Let me explain to you how many new friendships there will be" said Cassandra, "discounting myself because I'm friends with everypony, and Pinkie because she knows her family, that leaves four of yourselves and four Pies; that's sixteen."

"Erm dontcha mean fifteen cause ah'm already buddy-buddy with Maud?"asked AJ. Cassandra pulled out the script for the episode Maud Pie, and pointed to a line,

Maud Pie: I know how important it is to you that your friends become my friends, but I just don't think it's going to happen.

"In fact, if I were a betting mare, I'd go with 12 new friendships being formed," said Cassandra.

"Well yer gonna lose that money" said Applejack, "cause ah'm gonna make them be friends with me, even if ah hafta break th' Geneighva Convention to do it!"

"I know math too" said Maud, "if a filly finds six pieces of jade, and turns two of them over to a mineralogist, how many pieces of jade does she have?"

"That's easy," said Apple Bloom, "four."

"Incorrect." replied Maud, "she thought they were jade, but the mineralogist discovered that they were actually talc. So the answer is zero."

---

They arrived at the rock farm and Pinkie brought out her family to meet Applejack's.

"Cassandra. Mine forebearers oweth thou a debt of gradidude fort teaching us how to be bedder rock farmers." said Igneous.

"Hit it, Coolio" said Limestone Pie.

"As I walk through the valley where the geodes are large,
I take a look at my farm, and realize I'm in charge,
'cause I've been keeping it running so long,
that even my sister thinks that my mind is gone,
but, I'm the kind of mare you wanna be like when you're older,
I ain't never decked a pony who respected my boulder,
They call me Limestone Pie, it's the sourest rock,
'cause they use Limestone to make gravestones and chalk.

We've been spending most our lives, living on a rock farm with the Pies,
Gaze deeply in my eyes, living on a rock farm with the Pies
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Word. Don't touch my boulder, fool."

Pinkie rolled her eyes, and chimed in, "Tell me why are we, too blind to see, that the only one, who should rap, is Pinkie?"

---

"Now 'tis dime for us to eat stone soup, just like in the book" said Cloudy Quartz, serving each of them a bowl of soup with a stone in it.

"Mrs. Pie" said Cassandra, "I don't mean to speak out of line, but did you actually read the book?"

"Bud of course! I hath mine copy right here!" she replied, taking an old-looking foals' book off of the shelf, and began to read. "Onct, a weary traveller came across a threadbare town. He asked the villagers if they couldst spare a morsel of nourishment, but they replied,

"Nay traveller, we hath nod a thing that we can spare."

"Very well. In that case, may I trouble you for a stone?"

"I suppose so, although stones art inedible."

"You shall stand corrected, be well studious of my pot, for with this stone, I shall make stone soup!"

"Now after that, a couple of pages art missing, but on the last page, everypony ist happily feasting on stone soup. The moral of the story is crystal clear. Ponies art capable of digesting rocks."

"Could you excuse me for a moment? I have to write a letter to Twilight." Cassandra was part dragon, so she could send letters to the princesses. About a minute later, a newer copy of Stone Soup appeared in a burst of green flame.. Cassandra handed it over to Cloudy Quartz, who began reading through it.

"Well my stars, they made a stew out of real food, not stones! Cassandra, as per usual you did teach us a lesson. From now on, our Hearth's Warming Eve tradition shall be to ead real food!"

"Hooray!" said everypony.

---

Next, they went on a rock scavenger hunt. Pinkie put them all together in teams, but Limestone was by herself. "Allow me to go with Limestone" said Cassandra, "I can see that deep down she's just looking for a friend and she's just lashing out based on her own insecurities."

"Cassandra, you've made me take a good long look at myself, and now I won't be mean anymore" said Limestone Pie.

"Pinkie, this sucks" said Applejack, "ah've decided that ah'm gunna make yer Hearth's Warming Eve better.

---

The next morning, they awoke to kitschy Hearth's Warming Eve decorations everywhere.

"Happy Hearth's Warmin' Day!" said Applejack, "Ah put mah crap all over yer rocks. Ah hope those weren't important to ya!"

"Applejack, you planted your flag on a fault line," said Cassandra.

"Ah bullpucky, ah'm gonna ignore yer advice. Now wait till ya see what ah did with th' quarry." She walked down the hill, and just as she reached the bottom, the fault line gave out, and Holder's Boulder fell down, crushing Applejack, and she died.

"NOOOOOO!" said Limestone, "how are we ever going to put the boulder back? Even with our combined might, we are powerless!"

"Wait here," said Cassandra, "I have a plan." She went back into town and saw a random background unicorn. "Excuse me, miss?" she called, "we've got a magic emergency, could you come with me please?" The unicorn couldn't say no to one as beautiful and radiant as the gorgeous pegasus standing there, and even though she was straight as an arrow, show couldn't help but feel bisexual now. The two of them went back to the rock farm, and the unicorn used her magic to gently levitate the boulder back into place.

"Hooray!" said everypony, cheering for Cassandra, whose brilliance had once again saved Hearth's Warming.

---

Big Mac and and Marble Pie were cuddling, blushing and averting their eyes from one another. Cassandra walked over to them and whispered, "listen Big M, I don't mean to be a cockblock, but you two may be cousins, so how's about you stop at third? But I know you're both felling frisky, so I'm willing to pinch-hit if you know what I mean." Marble didn't because girls don't get sports. Cassandra whispered in her ear.

"Oh Cassandra, you're the best friend in the whole wide world of Equestria!" exclaimed Marble Pie.

"Collective gasp!" said the other members of the Pie family, "Cassandra, you made her talk!"

It truly was a Hearth's Warming Eve miracle.

Author's Note:

Merry Hearth's Warming and a happy new year!

Comments

[Thought Prism]

Every time.

[Elric of Melnipony]

I got my mind on the Mohs scale and the Mohs scale on my mind.

[CassandraMyOCisBestpony]

6766997 Not all; the thing about gratification is that you enjoy it more if you don't get it every single time