The Cassandra Chronicles

by CassandraMyOCisBestpony

Chapter 54: Starlight's New Friend

"Today, I'm having the Princess over for dinner," said Twilight, "and I want you to make a new friend, Starlight. No pressure, just run a complete background check on your new friend, and make sure they don't hold any controversial political opinions like supporting democracy."

"That's a pretty tall order without being able to use magic."

"Tell you what, I'll let you get Cassandra's help, that's practically the same thing."

"Yes, she is radiantly beautiful, and her abilities in friendship and speaking Japanese are so good they are practically magic," agreed Starlight

"And I hear she's magically delicious," whispered Twilight.

"Not like you'll ever know!" responded Cassandra in a singsong voice.

"What the- Cassandra, how long have you been there???"

"Quite a while now. I was cleaning up the filth in those high places since you don't know how to fly."

"It's true," sighed Twilight, "I may as well just be a unicorn Scootaloo."

"Hey, behave!" scolded Cassandra. "Starlight, I will help you, but you can't leverage your magic, or your friendship with me."

"So I'm a Season 3 Sweetie Belle, great."

"What is it with you two and hating on children?" asked Cassandra

"They're so much better at making friends than us," whined Starlight, "I'm not good at accepting that some ponies are better than others."

"Ok, then I suppose those three are out of the question as your new friend. Shame, because they would've been easy. Tell you what, this is a good opportunity for you to learn about networking - that's a fancy way of saying getting things through connections rather than talent"

"And I do have issues with ponies that have extraordinary amounts of talent," added Starlight.

"Great! My level 99 planning skills have once again made everything work out. Now, to network, we'll first get our friends to introduce us to their other friends."

---

First they went to Sugarcube Corner to meet Mrs. Cake.

"I hope you don't hold it against me that I whine about things being unfair," said Starlight

"Not at all dearie, my children just outgrew that habit themselves."

She was about to make a cake with her magic when Cassandra elbowed her in the ribs, and whispered, "she has to feel important."

---

Next they went to Ranibow Dash who suggested Spitfire, captain of the Wonderblots.

"Wow, that's some really good networking" said Starlight, "although, competition might cause me to relapse, is she as obsessed with competition as you are?"

"WHAT? WHO SAID THAT?" demanded Rainbow Dash, "NOPONY'S AS OBSESSED AS ME, I'LL BEAT YOUR ASS IN AN OBSESSION CONTEST, I ALMOST KILLED DARING DO BECAUSE I WAS SO OBSESSED WITH HER!"

---

Next they went to Sweet Apple Acres, where Applejack introduced her to Big Mac.

"Big Mac's easy ta git along with, 'cause all he can say is 'eeyup,' watch. Big Mac, stand on yer head."

"Eeyup." He did a hoofstand.

"Big Mac, lift th' cart."

"Eeyup." He hoisted the cart into the air.

"Big Mac, be Starlight's friend."

"Eenope."

"What? Why not?" exclaimed Starlight.

"Cuz ya were evil, and 'cause ah don't like chattin' very much. Also, ah don't hafta do whatever AJ says, ah was just humorin' her."

"Well, I can help by giving you the gift of gab," said Starlight, casting the spell.

"Eeyup. Eeyupyupyup, what'd ya do ta me, ah can't talkin'! Ah took out a life insurance policy on AJ!" He covered his mouth in embarrassment.

"Well that's just dumb, ah ain't gonna croak anytime soon, ah'm as fit as a fiddle," objected Applejack, "now if y'all'll excuse me, ah gotta go fix th' roof. And ah WILL be wearin' mah safety gear." She held up a frayed old-looking harness.

"Starlight, you should probably fix Big Mac before we go."

"I don't know how."

Cassandra facehooved "For Celestia's sake... Well never mind, I know the counterspell despite being a pegasus. This is a good friendship lesson; don't cast spells that you can't undo." These sorts of friendship words of wisdom happened all the time around Cassandra, which was why everypony wanted to be with her.

---

"Twilight, I made a new friend!" said Starlight, "it's Trixie!"

"What?? That irredeemable menace to society? You can't be friends with her!"

"Now just hold on a great and powerful second," said Trixie, coming into the room, "Starlight's crime was magnitudes worse than mine, so why are you treating me like Jean Vallejan, and her like your LSBNBBFF?"

"Lesbian BFF?" asked Starlight.

"No, it's Little-"

"...Sister But Not Biologically Best Friend Forever," cut in Twilight, "I tried to get Cassandra to call me that, but she wouldn't."

"Wait, I'm a lesbian?" asked Starlight confusedly.

"I'm saving that friendship lesson for your birthday," whispered Twilight coyly.

"Trixie wants answers!" demanded Trixie, "Trixie demands to know how much terrorism she must do before she gets to live in a castle!"

"I incorporated math into the criminal justice system" said Twilight proudly, "I take the severity of the pony's crime, and divide it by the niceness of their flank. Starlight here kidnapped ponies into her cult, and nearly destroyed Equestria, but filly got back, so she's on probation, and I get to experiment on her."

"Well then your eyesight is clearly faltering if all this" she turned her back to Twilight and raised her cape, "doesn't earn Trixie a complete royal pardon."

"Hey, don't complain, you've been downgraded from 'shoot on sight' to 'glower angrily.' However, you are still banned from coming within ten feet of any alicorn objects or alicorns, so you'll have to stow your junk in the trunk somewhere else," she said, shooing Trixie out of the chair she was sitting in, "and since this table has a 9-foot diameter, naturally you can't come to the dinner."

---

"Stupid sexy Twilight," grumbled Trixie.

"You take that back, she's not stupid or sexy!" said Starlight.

"Trixie will show her, Trixie will perform such a daring trick, so dangerous that it's only been done by two ponies; Harry Hoofdini and Cassandra. Trixie needs your help to teleport her out of the manticore's belly before she gets dissolved by stomach acid."

"I dunno, I have that dinner with Twilight and Celestia, and it seems like I wouldn't want to miss the chance to curry favor with the princess."

"Trixie will commit suicide if you don't go with her!" declared Trixie. At that moment, Starlight knew that Trixie would be a great friend.

---

The chained up Manticore roared a terrifying roar and Fluttershy cowered in fear, burying herself in Cassandra's forelegs for support.

"It's ok Fluttershy," cooed Cassandra, stroking her mane, "I'll protect you from the manticore, like the time I pulled the thorn out of his paw."

"Wasn't that me?"

"Fluttershy, right at this very moment you've got my ribcage in a deathgrip, and you're shaking like jello in an earthquake. Based on your having such a reaction, does it make any sense that you would've been the one to help the manticore?"

"I guess not."

"That's right, you don't have to guess. You just have to stand there looking cute, and help me practice kissing." Fluttershy had fallen asleep in her arms, so Cassandra gently lowered her onto the grass.

"Do you think she's going to live?" asked Rarity.

"I have a backup plan ready in case she doesn't," said Cassandra. She brought over a light blue unicorn dressed in a costume identical to Trixie's. Cassandra was an expert at sewing, so she had been able to make a perfect duplicate of Trixie's costume. "Show them your monologue," she instructed the unicorn.

"The great and powerful Trixie survived the manticore!" declared the unicorn, "but what's this? It seems I am having a great and powerful heart attack!" she clutched her chest, and crouched on the ground. "The Great and Powerful Trixie is dying, right after she successfully performed the world's most badass trick, and now that's the thing everypony will remember about me!"

Pinkie pulled a handkerchief out of nowhere and started sobbing. "Wouhahaha! Trixie's dead! She was too good for this wo-o-o-orld!!!"

"Pinkie, relax!" said Cassandra, "she's not dead, she's just a really good actress thanks to my level 99 coaching skills!" The unicorn stopped pretending to be dead, and got up and took a bow. The rest of them clapped.

However, Starlight did come through and save Trixie, much to the crowd's disappointment.

"Wait, what about the dinner party?!" exclaimed Twilight, "I completely forgot! Oh, god, I left her there with the deaf, dumb, and partially-nearsighted!."

"Don't worry Twilight, I didn't forget. I used a spell to prevent the ice sculpture from melting, and gave each of the guests some lines to say."

---

"I hate dinner parties" said Cranky

"Ohmigosh me too!" gushed Celestia, "that's why I always sabotage the Gala.

"I love baked goods!" said Derpy

"No way, so do I!" said Celestia.

"PRINCESS CELESTIA IS THE MOST POP-uh..." Vinyl squinted and brought the card a little closer to her face, "...POPULAR PRINCESS AND SHE IS NOT FAT."

"I should appoint you the Element of Honesty," said Celestia, "the old one died earlier today."

Comments

[Thought Prism]

"Trixie demands to know how much terrorism she must do before she gets to live in a castle!"

[Lunae Lumen]

...huh. That's some description.

Right, this goes in my "read while plastered" list.