Honesty, Loyalty, Generosity, Kindness, Laughter and Magic.
The six Elements of Harmony maintain peace in the land of Equestria.
But every world has a little bad in it.
With so much good,
Imagine how much BAD there is.
Chapters (16)
- Member Since 25th Feb, 2012
- offline last seen Aug 9th, 2014
Optimistic Pessimist
Like all of you here, I watch My little Pony. And like all of you here, I have little stories that I write in my head. But like many ideas, mine are no good in my head. So I write them down.
Optimistic Pessimist
Joined 25th Feb, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- GnollReader · 121k words · 1,310 21 · 19k views
- vren55 · 168k words · 4,341 98 · 48k views
- Hoopy McGee · 171k words · 2,580 56 · 21k views
- Visiden Visidane · 177k words · 2,146 49 · 23k views
- BronyWriter · 110k words · 3,409 86 · 31k views
- CyborgSamurai · 326k words · 1,855 46 · 32k views
- CommanderX5 · 110k words · 1,724 44 · 17k views
- Loyal2Luna · 22k words · 682 17 · 13k views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.145 seconds
Total duration
956 users online
204,920 hits today, 2,782,760 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
"gently her mane"
That slip aside, a very interesting premise. I've been thinking about the seeming lack of balance in the mlp world as well (horribly dark fan fiction aside). Glad to see I'm not the only one :)
A very interesting read. The only thing that bothers me is that I would have assumed that the preludes would have been removed by the elements, pulled free of the user once control was regained and off to search for a new host/weilder. As I see it, the elements and preludes aren't only a reflection of the user, but enhance the users pull towards their respective power. The elements wouldn't leave someone to be pulled by so much darkness at once. As you said, they seem to have an element of mercy in their behavior.
The idea that they can be used as direct weapons and other forms is something that I hadn't even thought of, but it makes perfect sense as an extension of personal magic.
exxelent but i would of made it so the cloud found 6 ponies that held the preludes of watever
Silly Twilight, taking the hard way. The rules didn't say there had to be weights on the scale...
...Well, this was interesting, but...well. *clears throat*
The unmasking basically plays out like an old Scooby Doo episode, except that it's taking itself entirely seriously rather than being tongue-in-cheek and narmy, and as such fails to be enjoyable. Jester's identity wasn't fleshed out at all. It wasn't explained how Twilight knew him, and Pinkie Pie just knows who he is because she apparently has a photographic memory of everyone she has ever met. No backstory, either, apart from a vague mention of being in the Everfree Forest for several years. Replace "Jester" with "Chuck Norris" and you get an idea of why this is a bad thing.
The Triple P thing was literally just tacked on to the story for no reason at all. Seriously, it has no reason to exist other than being a device for a celebratory party to happen. Except that isn't a reason for it to exist; Pinkie's already a party pony so it makes no sense to make her some kind of closet party celebrity, and one of Jester's few actually defined (read: mentioned and never brought up again) traits is an absolute loathing of crowded environments, so it makes no sense for Pinkie to throw a large party instead of a small one. If you wanted to write a story about Pinkie Pie having thrown crazy party mosh rave orgies in the past, that's fine, but for Celestia's sake, make a new story for that, don't just tack it on to a story about something completely different.
And letting Jester keep the Preludes despite them having never been used for good ever not only goes against all of the characterization of all of the protagonists of this show, it goes against the entire plot of this story, because the entire reason any of this happened was because Celestia told the Mane 6 that the Preludes were evil and their wielder had to be stopped.
In short, everything up until chapter 13 or so was nice, but everything after that completely ruined the story for me.
Good day to you.
360157
Impressive critique!
I like you.
I'll these things in mind when I try to write something like this.
By the way, the Jester character was designed in my image.
Maybe I take things too seriously?
Twilight: Magic
Applejack: denial
Rainbow dash: indifference
Pinkie pie: paranoia
Rarity: greed
Fluttershy: frustration
448795
Exactly!
Right on the bulls eye!
448815 win XD
I was literally guessing as much as I could :/
448825
Really?
You're GOOD!
And thanks for the fav!
448834 i guess I'm just.
*sunglasses on*
That good.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
No?
Ok
Nobody comments because it is so good they are just turning pages
449157
Really? Is it that good?
Thanks!
When I saw all of the mane 6 freaking out over pinkie. I imagined her pulling a fruit face
An entire barn of ponies.. As hyper as pinkie....
Today is the day we die.
449164 it's what it seems
Only thing I really see wrong is that you're using closed mouth movements to show talking actions...not to mention the dialog is straightforward. Point A to Point B...not many interesting detours. I hope in the next chapters you fixed it, otherwise you should really keep this in mind. I'm hooked for now, but other readers may be Grammar Nazis or can't tolerate certain things and might not like this. You did great though. End of statement.
Fluttershy: Cruelty
Rarity: greed
Rainbow dash: Betrayal
Applejack: Deception
Pinkie pie: Anger
Twilight: Chaos