Bon Bon and Lyra have been together ever since Lyra moved into Ponyville. They met, and they were great friends. Heck, Bon Bon even let Lyra live at her place.
But as of late, Lyra's been acting strangely, and Bon Bon wants to know why.
There is a reason why they say curiosity killed the cat.
(-Aside-)
This has been in my head for a little while, so, I decide I'll get it down.
But honestly, I don't think I'll forget when it's inspired by a song.
Here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ujzp9ffPwPM
It's actually a nice song.
listen to it some time.
BTW help me think of some tags.
I have no idea how to tag this story.
(UPDATE)
Wow.
Did not see that one coming.
Maybe I should've finished the story before I submitted it?
I appreciate any positive feedback.
But I would appreciate a reason for the dislikes.
I'm seriously stuck between finishing this,
and canceling it.
(UPDATE II)
Finished!
I definitely should have finished before submitting it.
I think you'll like the rest of the story.
...
In my opinion,
I think chapter 10 is the best.
Thank you for your time!
I wanted to disbelieve. But no. You did it. You took one of my favorite Voltare tracks, and turned it into this pile of textual mush. It would have worked wonderfully in a DJ P0n-3 story. Or the tale of Discord. But no. It gets rolled up in a carpet, beaten with lead pipes and dropped outside of this ill-written monstrosity. I hope you feel shame, for what you have done. I hope you feel a lot of it. This song deserved better than this.
And part of my venom comes from you leaving a simple grammatical error in the description. Tenses and persons are not hard. Surely, they are not as mechanistic in English as they are in Romance languages but they're still cake for someone that has grown up with the language or learned it to a reasonable degree.
This makes so sense at all and is written so simply that a child could have done it. I hope this was a poor attempt at an April Fool's, as anything else would be quite sad.
397666
Wow. Okay. Um...
Yeah.
Hard Core critique.
Well, there is a block option on my page.
Just click that, and you'll never see me again
Then we're all happy!
397742
Well it is incomplete.
397742
Sadly, I think he writes in earnest. Which is worse in a way. An April Fools' fic would be intentionally bad, crafted with skill to be terrible on purpose. This just shows a lack of skill at the literary arts.
399068
It'd be fine if it was going somewhere, but the 'plot' (and I hesitate to use that word) just has no sense at all. You can't expect readers to continue when there is no hook, no reasoning behind the words.
399144
He does, which is sad, but I can at least try to help a bit. Ponies aren't necessarily the easiest medium to start in.
399144
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, WAIT.
This place has STANDARDS?
Well, why didn't you say so?
I should go ahead and remove my account and hang myself in the closet!
I'm such a horrible person and an unbearable writer!
I should buy a gun and shoot myself in the head for all the bad ideas it has!
But you wouldn't care. Why would you?
You've no reason. You've no shame.
Your writing is by far better then my own.
By far better then anyone else here.
We should all just cut our good hands off and let you stomp off the other!
We should worship you as the God of the Quill!
Am I not right?
399670
Alright, I do see your point.
I do see what you mean when you say there is no hook.
That's probably why I should have finished this before submitting it.
I'm the writer, so I have the whole idea in my mind.
But you're the reader. I expected too much.
And I do appreciate your help!
No really I do.
It means so much to see that it isn't a cold hearted beat down of my work.
You've no idea how my mind works.
I confuse myself sometimes!
I'd just like to say.
Thank you.
399670
And he seems to think he's funny. Or that hyperbole is automatically funny. And he's hypersensitive, taking slights and headshakes as unimaginable insults.
399729
Absolutely right!
I'm crazy aren't I?
Let me see. Judging from your first comment.
You like to bang in a nail that's already there.
I also like how you don't reply directly to my comments.
It's almost as if you want to avoid me.
And maybe that's because it's true?
As I said. You can easily turn the other cheek by blocking me.
Instead of driving me further and further into the ground.
Or maybe you already have?
Huh.
399747
You need to give your readers a reason to continue; no hook, no reason.
401059
I'm happy to report that I've written roughly five more chapters to the story.
Hopefully that'll give you something to look forward to!
...I'm sorry...
So sorry about earlier.
I can't take anything too harsh.
Please forgive me.
I didn't intend any hurt feelings.
I know that feeling too well.
I'm sorry.
OK. I read the first chapter. I just had to... I kinda felt bad when I saw the negative feedback and how hard you were taking it in the comments section on the first page.
You seem to be a slightly more defensive type of person, and get offended easily. Take it easy, alright?
The first chapter seems kinda bland, but I suppose it's pretty important for building rapport, so it's ok. I'm a bit a bit concerned about the GGG narrative though. It kinda goes contrary to canon and seems out of character for Lyra and Bonbon.
I'm gonna keep my fingers crossed for next few chapters.
In character! I like the story development thus far.
Great chapter as another slice of life so far. It preempts chapter 1 and could probably replace it.
There seems to be a disconnect between Ch.2 and Ch. 3. It could be improved if you added something to smooth-over the transition.
Also, who's talking during "This is the most fiendish mirror" paragraph is a bit obscure. This could definitely use some cleaning up to clarify.
I like the development of this scene. We're finally getting to interesting questions and the good stuff!
EDIT: "to curious for your own good" to "too curious"
You need to work on convincing your readers to willingly enter a state of suspension of belief. Unfortunately, since there's certain information about MLP characters that have long been established, so if you want to change or subvert them, you need to do it in such a way that's still consistent and makes sense.
I think that's what they meant by it fits better into a Discord/DJ-Pon3 story? Either way, I'm finding it hard to swallow this Evi Lyra character. It's too... out there: more persuasion and investment is required first.
... This explains the the Evi... but in the wrong fashion... Why would a devil explain to her how to get rid of evil??? Motivation feels all wrong. Will continue with fingers crossed.
409160
Yeah. Those comments were really depressing to me.
Don't worry, I'll get over it soon enough.
I've read your comments. I will try to fix up whatever may seem imperfect.
I'm glad to see some one read it after all the fire it's been under.
Thanks!
Bland chapter. But necessary for transitions, I suppose. Have you considered taking a lot of the chapters and squishing them together? It would definitely make it flow better and feel less choppy.
After all, you're doing only one event for chapter when chapters tend to have multiple events or one really BIG event.
Yay? Feels too fast, too rushed, too easy. Hope latter chapters prove me wrong.
409238
Huh. Never considered that.
I might try it in future writing.
I really appreciate all this feedback.
I like it when people go out of their way to help others.
I am so confused. What the buck happened here?
Why is the devil apparently not evil? What's with this Evil? If they were so horrible, we shouldn't even see this scene???
I hope the last chapter has answers...
Heh. I smiled.
I kinda like this story in its own way. It really isn't as bad as what I originally thought from the comments. It does come off as a little cheesy though, but i'ts MLP:FiM for children level cheese, so I can handle it.
The first few chapters of their rapport were absolutely essential for the last chapter to make sense. I think those chapters could use a bit more depth and length for more references though. Since you took the time to describe previous experiences together, it would really ramp up the cheese (and make the story more of the Awwww... heart-touching type) if you added, for example, allusions and references back to all the "good ol' days" which you took the time to build at the beginning.
Also, using only one instance (the feeling of something missing after Bon Bon made those sweets) really isn't sufficient enough. It would make for better storytelling (and truly be more realistic and lifelike), if Bon Bon had just shrugged this off, but kept getting reminded by all these other feelings of something missing (insert references/allusions back to early chapters here).
The mayor coming to force Bon Bon into action seems contrived and takes away from the Awww... factor. You should have made the self-realization process more organic. The whole constantly being reminded finally prompts Bon bon to consider talking to Evi / letting her free.
Showing the internal conflict within Bon Bon after she realizes what she's missing would help ramp up the poignancy. After all, it's EVIL we're talking about (The devil encounter also made no sense to me AT ALL). Of course, the final decision to talk to her could be a mini-climax. So she goes armed to the teeth, with backup (like Twilight, or even elements of harmony). The realization that Elements of Harmony don't work, for example, because EVIL IS LYRA, and then the interaction b/w Bon Bon and Lyra (which you did... ok with...) and then SWEEP IN THE CLIMAX: Cash in the poignancy and tension you've been building for so long and make the reader bawl like a baby... that Lyra, this particular EVIL, can be redeemed, can still be a friend to Bon Bon that the stereotypes and misconceptions were wrong, etc. etc. would make the story like, 20% cooler.
(I'd like to add you could even add a bit of humor here too to show the incredulity of say mane 6 at the reunion and acceptance between Lyra & BonBon)
So final rating: 3.7 to 4.0 out of 5.0. There's rich potential here. I love the concept you came up with, it's actually REALLY REALLY good. The execution, however, could use some work in the form of tightening up the prose and elaboration and scene addition to get the reader hooked, invested, and then pull the My Little Dashie maneuver to score a touchdown
409360
You know, now that I read it over, All of what your saying is making sense.
I see what you mean. I've got ideas, I just can't get them out right is all.
Thanks! I'll try to add a little more to it.
I appreciate your feedback. I've only gotten one other thought out, well written critique for something I wrote.
I appreciate it. Thank you for taking your time to read this.
It means a lot to me.
Especially after after the comments I've received.
Thanks!
409416 Please update this story OR lemme know after you've made the edits.
Although it's true that I kinda know the story already, it feels like I only know it superficially, the same way you would know what Harry Potter was sorta about by reading the wikipedia article.
I can't wait to see what kind of details or narrations you use to flesh out the story and how exactly you'll go about bringing about that big OOMPH.
(Of course, take your time, no rush, and all that jazz).
Cheers.
409577
ON IT!
Ok, So I read through these chapters and I would like to comment on a couple things, for your benefit of course. Since SOMEPEOPLE can't be nice and give fair constructive criticism *cough* Gabriel *cough*. First off, as EvilBob put it the story does seem a bit rushed, more specifically there should be a chapter between bon-bon finding out how hellish the mirror is and her finding out who actually is in the mirror and who Lyra is.
One part that I really enjoyed was Lyra talking to the Discord statue and revealing something was going on without saying what it actually was.
Well, that's my two bits worth, good luck on future stories/chapters.
414276
Thanks for the feedback!
Although they read up to chapter 5, which was when it was incomplete.
I'll try to keep some of the good parts in and extend some of the parts that need expanding on.