Bon Bon woke up in a cold sweat. Her eyes shifted nervously back and forth while she slowly got to her feet.
A piercing sound caught Bon Bon off guard. She shrunk into a ball and shivered in fear. She recognized the sound as a violin. She backed away from the source until she hit a wall. She could not stop shivering as her ears took in its' evil tune.
A single red light broke through the darkness. A single black figure stood in its shadow. The smoke blew away as the cape turned to reveal Lyra standing on her hind legs. Her eyes were slits, and she had the cruelest grin Bon Bon had ever seen.
"I don't think I've introduced myself properly." Bon Bon couldn't believe the evil hiss that came from the unicorns muzzle. Lyra grasped the cape and flipped it back and forth.
Bon Bon gasped at the astounding transformation. The being that stood there was the wickedest thing to have ever cross her eyes. It was small and impish. Its' head was little more than a sphere, and the only protrusions were a horn and a pair of twice clipped ears. It's eyes were big and cat like, and its' mouth was lined with jagged sharp teeth. Its hands and feet were little more than elongated stumps. Its' hand, if it could be called a hand, had dark steel claws protruding from it.
It wore a broken halo as a shoulder accessory. The only way it was vaguely related to the unicorn Bon Bon knew was a glowing lyre design on its' forehead.
"When the devil is too busy, and deaths have been too much.
They call on me, by name you see, for my special touch.
To the gentlecolt I'm Miss fortune. To the fillies I'm Sir Prise.
But call me, by any name. Any way it's all the same!"
Bon Bon looked around nervously. Dark lights had appeared all around her. Each was accompanied by its' own black apparition.
"I'm the fly in your soup,
I'm the pebble in your shoe.
I'm the demon in your bed.
I'm a bump on every head.
I'm the peel on which you slip,
I'm the pin in every hip.
I'm the thorn in your side,
Makes you wriggle and writhe!"
Bon Bon could only just hold back her screams of terror as the ghosts danced around her.
"And it's so easy when you're evil!
This is the life, you see!
The devil tips his hat to me!
And I do it all because I'm evil!
And I do it all for free!"
The creature stepped up to Bon Bon and wiped a single tear of horror from her eyes.
"You're tears are all the pay I'll ever need!"
Bon Bon looked around. The creature that was supposedly Lyra took her tear and strung it on a necklace.
"Looks good, don't you think?" Bon Bon refrained from yelling as the creature put the string over her head. "It's... lovely." The creature rubbed her chin. "Needs more skulls." The creature snapped its' fingers, and a pair of miniature skulls alongside the tear. "Tada! Its' brilliant, if I do say so myself."
Bon Bon was speechless with fear. "Oh! I'm so sorry! Did I frighten you?" The area echoed with an eerie cackle.
"My name is Evi. You know me as Lyra Heartstrings. That's not wrong though. My full name is Evi Lyra Heartstrings." Bon Bon smiled nervously. "H-hello, Evi." Evi cackled. "You're too friendly, Bon Bon! All too kind! You need a little evil in your life. That's why you have me around!" The creature floated up and around Bon Bon. "I'm the Evil of this world. Pleasure to meet you!" Bon Bon was unsure whether the outstretched claw would shake her hoof or tear it into ribbons. "Your...fingers... are nice! Sharp as a blade!"
Evi looked down to her fingers. "Oops! My bad! I forgot! It's been so long since I'd been like this! Forgot I had claws!"
"So...you're an Evil? Why haven't I seen you like..." Lyra chuckled at Bon Bons' fear. "Like what? This?" Lyra smiled and flashed her bony sharp teeth. "Well, do you think other ponies would like if I went around like this?" She flicked her forked tongue at her. "Not the prettiest pony on the street am I? They wouldn't like me at all! I would know, I am evil manifested."
Bon Bon sat there. Some how, her fear had eased just the slightest bit. In some twisted way, it made sense. "You seem kind of..." Evi looked at Bon Bon. "Devilish? Oh, you flatter me! I'm nothing like that rogue."
Then Evi gasped. "Would you like to meet him? I know a short cut!"
Bon Bon almost threw up when Evi grasped her mouth and opened it to the size of a doorway. She felt a pat on her back. She turned to find another Evi smiling its' razor smile. "Don't worry, Bon Bon! I won't bite! Probably."
Evi chuckled as she pushed the screaming Bon Bon into the gaping mouth.
I wanted to disbelieve. But no. You did it. You took one of my favorite Voltare tracks, and turned it into this pile of textual mush. It would have worked wonderfully in a DJ P0n-3 story. Or the tale of Discord. But no. It gets rolled up in a carpet, beaten with lead pipes and dropped outside of this ill-written monstrosity. I hope you feel shame, for what you have done. I hope you feel a lot of it. This song deserved better than this.
And part of my venom comes from you leaving a simple grammatical error in the description. Tenses and persons are not hard. Surely, they are not as mechanistic in English as they are in Romance languages but they're still cake for someone that has grown up with the language or learned it to a reasonable degree.
This makes so sense at all and is written so simply that a child could have done it. I hope this was a poor attempt at an April Fool's, as anything else would be quite sad.
397666
Wow. Okay. Um...
Yeah.
Hard Core critique.
Well, there is a block option on my page.
Just click that, and you'll never see me again
Then we're all happy!
397742
Well it is incomplete.
397742
Sadly, I think he writes in earnest. Which is worse in a way. An April Fools' fic would be intentionally bad, crafted with skill to be terrible on purpose. This just shows a lack of skill at the literary arts.
399068
It'd be fine if it was going somewhere, but the 'plot' (and I hesitate to use that word) just has no sense at all. You can't expect readers to continue when there is no hook, no reasoning behind the words.
399144
He does, which is sad, but I can at least try to help a bit. Ponies aren't necessarily the easiest medium to start in.
399144
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, WAIT.
This place has STANDARDS?
Well, why didn't you say so?
I should go ahead and remove my account and hang myself in the closet!
I'm such a horrible person and an unbearable writer!
I should buy a gun and shoot myself in the head for all the bad ideas it has!
But you wouldn't care. Why would you?
You've no reason. You've no shame.
Your writing is by far better then my own.
By far better then anyone else here.
We should all just cut our good hands off and let you stomp off the other!
We should worship you as the God of the Quill!
Am I not right?
399670
Alright, I do see your point.
I do see what you mean when you say there is no hook.
That's probably why I should have finished this before submitting it.
I'm the writer, so I have the whole idea in my mind.
But you're the reader. I expected too much.
And I do appreciate your help!
No really I do.
It means so much to see that it isn't a cold hearted beat down of my work.
You've no idea how my mind works.
I confuse myself sometimes!
I'd just like to say.
Thank you.
399670
And he seems to think he's funny. Or that hyperbole is automatically funny. And he's hypersensitive, taking slights and headshakes as unimaginable insults.
399729
Absolutely right!
I'm crazy aren't I?
Let me see. Judging from your first comment.
You like to bang in a nail that's already there.
I also like how you don't reply directly to my comments.
It's almost as if you want to avoid me.
And maybe that's because it's true?
As I said. You can easily turn the other cheek by blocking me.
Instead of driving me further and further into the ground.
Or maybe you already have?
Huh.
399747
You need to give your readers a reason to continue; no hook, no reason.
401059
I'm happy to report that I've written roughly five more chapters to the story.
Hopefully that'll give you something to look forward to!
...I'm sorry...
So sorry about earlier.
I can't take anything too harsh.
Please forgive me.
I didn't intend any hurt feelings.
I know that feeling too well.
I'm sorry.
You need to work on convincing your readers to willingly enter a state of suspension of belief. Unfortunately, since there's certain information about MLP characters that have long been established, so if you want to change or subvert them, you need to do it in such a way that's still consistent and makes sense.
I think that's what they meant by it fits better into a Discord/DJ-Pon3 story? Either way, I'm finding it hard to swallow this Evi Lyra character. It's too... out there: more persuasion and investment is required first.