When you're Evi L.

by Optimistic Pessimist

Aftermath

It was a lovely day outside. The birds were singing, the skies were clear, and the sun shone brightly. A perfect day for a walk for Twilight Sparkle.

It was the first time she had the energy to go out in a while. The past couple of nights she had been kept awake by an awful shrieking sound she heard at night. But it stopped as suddenly as it started.

It was also the same night Bon Bon had stepped out to stop it.

"I wonder where Bon Bon is. She didn't come back to the library after she left. I hope she's okay."

"TWILIGHT!" The unicorn turned to find Bon Bon waving at her from a park bench. Twilight smiled and trotted over.

"Hey Bon Bon! It's good to see you again." Bon Bon giggled. "No, I'm serious. I was getting worried? What happened to the Evil?" Bon Bon smiled and pointed to the unicorn next to her. She was sitting with her hind legs in front of her.

"There's your Evil." Lyra looked over to Twilight and waved. "Oh hey Twilight! Haven't seen you in a while!" Twilight stared skeptically. "You're the Evil? Sorry but, you're nothing like the book described." Twilight laughed.

She was cut off by a flickering snake tongue. Twilight looked back to Lyra. Her eyes were like a cats', and metal claws had appeared out of nowhere from her hoof. "There is always the evil of Deception Twilight. Don't forget that." Lyra retracted her tongue and blinked. Her eyes were suddenly round again. She smacked her lips, revealing a perfectly normal tongue. "Oh! Ice cream!" The unicorn hopped off the bench and headed for the ice cream cart.

Twilight just stood there. She was utterly startled. Bon Bon laughed. "She has the best disguises, don't you think?" Twilight shook her head to break from the astonishment. "Lyra was the Evil? You've lived with her for how long now?"

Bon Bon laughed again. "The best part is, I didn't even know until five nights ago! Isn't she brilliant?"

Lyra came back holding the ice cream cone with her magic. "You want some Twilight? It's good!" Twilight remembered the snake tongue the unicorn had. "I... think I'll pass." Lyra shrugged. "Suit yourself." She sat back onto the bench in that awkward position.

Twilight held her hoof up in hopes of not letting Lyra hear. "Bon Bon, She's an Evil. Manifestation of all things bad. You've got to get rid of her."

Bon Bon only smiled. "Twilight, you can't get rid of an Evil so easily. Besides, I like Lyra." The earth pony jumped off the bench. "Hey Lyra! Bet you can't beat me in a race!"

The unicorn looked over. She smiled, and shoved the rest of the ice cream cone in her mouth. "Oh, you're ON!"

Twilight watched as they raced away. It was as if Bon Bon didn't even care what she was living with.

She shook her head and sighed.

"Just as long as I can sleep."

Comments

[Optimistic Pessimist]

409160
Yeah. Those comments were really depressing to me.
Don't worry, I'll get over it soon enough.
I've read your comments. I will try to fix up whatever may seem imperfect.
I'm glad to see some one read it after all the fire it's been under.
Thanks!

[Optimistic Pessimist]

409238
Huh. Never considered that.
I might try it in future writing.
I really appreciate all this feedback.
I like it when people go out of their way to help others.

[EvilBob]

Heh. I smiled.

I kinda like this story in its own way. It really isn't as bad as what I originally thought from the comments. It does come off as a little cheesy though, but i'ts MLP:FiM for children level cheese, so I can handle it.

The first few chapters of their rapport were absolutely essential for the last chapter to make sense. I think those chapters could use a bit more depth and length for more references though. Since you took the time to describe previous experiences together, it would really ramp up the cheese (and make the story more of the Awwww... heart-touching type) if you added, for example, allusions and references back to all the "good ol' days" which you took the time to build at the beginning.

Also, using only one instance (the feeling of something missing after Bon Bon made those sweets) really isn't sufficient enough. It would make for better storytelling (and truly be more realistic and lifelike), if Bon Bon had just shrugged this off, but kept getting reminded by all these other feelings of something missing (insert references/allusions back to early chapters here).

The mayor coming to force Bon Bon into action seems contrived and takes away from the Awww... factor. You should have made the self-realization process more organic. The whole constantly being reminded finally prompts Bon bon to consider talking to Evi / letting her free.

Showing the internal conflict within Bon Bon after she realizes what she's missing would help ramp up the poignancy. After all, it's EVIL we're talking about (The devil encounter also made no sense to me AT ALL). Of course, the final decision to talk to her could be a mini-climax. So she goes armed to the teeth, with backup (like Twilight, or even elements of harmony). The realization that Elements of Harmony don't work, for example, because EVIL IS LYRA, and then the interaction b/w Bon Bon and Lyra (which you did... ok with...) and then SWEEP IN THE CLIMAX: Cash in the poignancy and tension you've been building for so long and make the reader bawl like a baby... that Lyra, this particular EVIL, can be redeemed, can still be a friend to Bon Bon that the stereotypes and misconceptions were wrong, etc. etc. would make the story like, 20% cooler. (I'd like to add you could even add a bit of humor here too to show the incredulity of say mane 6 at the reunion and acceptance between Lyra & BonBon)

So final rating: 3.7 to 4.0 out of 5.0. There's rich potential here. I love the concept you came up with, it's actually REALLY REALLY good. The execution, however, could use some work in the form of tightening up the prose and elaboration and scene addition to get the reader hooked, invested, and then pull the My Little Dashie maneuver to score a touchdown

[Optimistic Pessimist]

409360
You know, now that I read it over, All of what your saying is making sense.
I see what you mean. I've got ideas, I just can't get them out right is all.
Thanks! I'll try to add a little more to it.
I appreciate your feedback. I've only gotten one other thought out, well written critique for something I wrote.
I appreciate it. Thank you for taking your time to read this.
It means a lot to me.
Especially after after the comments I've received.
Thanks!

[EvilBob]

409416 Please update this story OR lemme know after you've made the edits.

Although it's true that I kinda know the story already, it feels like I only know it superficially, the same way you would know what Harry Potter was sorta about by reading the wikipedia article.

I can't wait to see what kind of details or narrations you use to flesh out the story and how exactly you'll go about bringing about that big OOMPH.
(Of course, take your time, no rush, and all that jazz).

Cheers.

[Optimistic Pessimist]

409577
ON IT!

[LucidTech]

Ok, So I read through these chapters and I would like to comment on a couple things, for your benefit of course. Since SOMEPEOPLE can't be nice and give fair constructive criticism *cough* Gabriel *cough*. First off, as EvilBob put it the story does seem a bit rushed, more specifically there should be a chapter between bon-bon finding out how hellish the mirror is and her finding out who actually is in the mirror and who Lyra is.

One part that I really enjoyed was Lyra talking to the Discord statue and revealing something was going on without saying what it actually was.

Well, that's my two bits worth, good luck on future stories/chapters.

[Optimistic Pessimist]

414276
Thanks for the feedback!
Although they read up to chapter 5, which was when it was incomplete.
I'll try to keep some of the good parts in and extend some of the parts that need expanding on.