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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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...
Oh, this is not going to end well.
This feels... Awkward and a wee bit too OOC right now.
Well. This is interesting...
you know, for a second, when rarity burst out laughing, i thought it would be a montage of rarity screwing up her lines, like in spongebob when patrick kept messing his line up when spongebob was looking for his nametag. as funny as that might be though, i dont think that would mesh well with the story.
man, when twilight finds about this, its gonna be lesson zero all over again.
also i wanted to say you're a great writer, i've been invested enough to be impatient for the next update. great job! 5 stars! A+ 4 stars! mycaruba! big zam!
I dunno where that came from
Totally called the name.
All in all, a good chapter.
3163308
is rly good
So, pretty good. I like it.
However, noticed a few oopsies in the text.
“You look ripe for the picking,” came a deep voice from the side of the set. Rarity jumped up and saw a rugged Earth pony with a jet black mane and a coat to match. Heavy Weight had been no bum, but paled in comparison to this stallion’s cheled jaw and debonair smile. Rarity blushed as she rose from the bed to meet him.
I think you meant chiseled. No idea how the typo could happen.
“Definitely,” Italian said, “although you could fill my ego up quite a bit,” he added to Rarity, giving her a week.
You definitely mean wink, not week.
Oh Rarity, you foolish mare, oh well more for Twilight and Spike to ogle I suppose.
I'd say this'll be awkward when Rarity's friends find out, but how will they know? I seriously doubt half of them even own video players, since they're usually out and about (like Applejack, Pinkie or Rainbow Dash, and for the most part Fluttershy) or doing something else indoors (Twilight or Pinkie again). If any of them find out, though, I guess it'd be... I dunno. Twilight makes sense from a narrative standpoint, Pinkie makes sense from a realist standpoint (she knows everyone in town. Someone's probably going to point it out).
Is Rarity really that stupid? I think her friends are gonna find out when stallions start coming around Ponyville looking to fuck Rarity. Really can't wait for this to blow up in Rarity's face as well. Think I may have called it as well since this looks like it may become a 'shit on Spike' story.
3163712
Not stupid, just desperate and proud. Heck, Rarity herself knows that she's too proud to borrow money from her friends. And you know what they say about pride: It goeth before a fall.
3163712
lurkmore.so/images/8/8d/1238521509967.png
3163461 Haha, you beat me to it, congrats.
I have to say, I'm very impressed with the depiction of the porn shoot so far. Everypony's very supportive, and no pony's being particularly mean to Rarity. Though I imagine that, as this goes on, she'll get into more seedy, less reputable porn shoots.
3163461 Okay, so I checked the Google doc, and "chiseled" was absolutely spelled correctly. That was FIMfiction screwing up.
I did mess up "wink", however.
Both of them are fixed now. Thank you.
Italian Stallion? I . . . I'm sorry, but I don't think I can take this scene seriously.
When I saw Italian Stallion, I admit that I was kinda expecting some ponification of Rocky Balboa, and that Rarity was to be a parody of a ponified Adriene. Oh well.
Could there be some sort of the line "Yo, Adriene! I did it!!" with this? Hmm...how would that fit with the rest of the story....
3164343 That actually brings up a good point. "Italian"? Couldn't come up with a horse pun for Italy?
3165042
Thats a pretty good point actually, She just could have simply went for gem hunting with the help of Spike and gather some gems, after all it works as well as some sort of currency as seen at "Just for Sidekicks"..
But oh well, let's see where this story goes..
Now I wonder how Hard Core's Cutie Mark looks like... That is, assuming making pornos is his destiny.
3164689 "Italian Stallion" is a nickname one of my friends from high school used to have, so the name has a sentimental value to me.
3165128 I think I know what it is now, but I won't reveal it till later.
3163308 It's funny, because that episode was on my TV the second I read your comment.
I liked the starting premise of this story, but I can't help but feel like it's going a bit off the rails with this chapter. I'd rather see something dealing with the fall out that Rarity diving back into porn, I think.
3165967 That's going to come later. Right now she's with a bunch of ponies who don't really know her and she's getting swept up in the "glamour" of being an actress (even if it's for something so seedy).
Without giving too much away, her friends are going to find out, and then you'll start seeing some fall out.
3163712 that's not the only thing that's gonna blow up in her face
3165979 I imagine Ponyville at large will be less than understanding (more creepy stallions and jealous/angry mares), but I do hope her friends don't go shaming her or bailing on her.
Why're you lookin, at me?
So Twi didn't twig right away or make many connections at all. Darn it Twi, why aren't you more perceptive at 4AM? Must have been a real pain to lose that magazine after what she went through to get it...
Biggest fan, or absolute rage? Can't decide which way "Twilight twigs" would go
HC was predictable, in context. Rarity is with people who, right now, are putting her at ease and working with her quite well. It could be a whole lot worse. And probably will be if she doesn't leave Ponyville before this flick's released
Poor Sweetie. The comments will only get more confusing from here :sweetieunsure:
Italian Stallion? Oh my days
3163226
Probably feels awkward and OOC because the protagonist herself feels awkward and OOC. It's taken her a long time to get desperate enough to pursue this it wasn't like this had exactly been a lifelong dream
3149733 I always wonder about things like this. It's like centre and center. Whereas in US English, either is acceptable, in the UK only centre is correct. Similarly with check and cheque. This is highly frustrating to me. I just... why? There seems to be no good reason why the American spelling has diverged from the British spelling. There is no divine lexical or etymological reason for it. It just seems like American English has allowed a huge number of words to be phoneticised through common usage where British English has not.
In any case, people should really check before they comment to correct. I hate it when American English users correct my spelling of words when I primarily use British English. Therefore, I should imagine American English users hate it just as much when some Brit comes along and tells them they've misused a word when the haven't. Maybe its just my strange obsession with language, but the variations in spellings are as enjoyable to me as the words themselves.
Your story is still going well by the way, although I do feel that some of the things that your characters are saying and doing don't feel quite right. Still, you've improved a lot on your pacing, so keep up the good work!
thank
____________
Oh I'm loving this fic. It's awkward, but well put together. Pacing is getting better, and I'm loving Rarity in this. I can't wait for Twi to see what Rare does and jump her. Or even better / worse find out that Spike hijacked her magazine. Then find out about the fic.
Also I can't wait to see how the others react. AJ's going to be pissed; But I wonder if it'd turn the others on or not?
Okay either Rarity is just exaggerating and being overly stupid or your characterisation of Applejack is even more off than when she got mad about the photo-shoot.
Applejack, most dependable of ponies? If she had the bits to spare, I think she would gladly help out. Applejack is one of the friendliest ponies around.
Rainbow wouldn't judge her. She probably would laugh about how Rarity's asking for money and then she would lend what she has.
3179351 One could just as easily chalk that up to Rarity's flair for the dramatic. She seems to be getting into more trouble by assuming, which is so often the case.
3179722
I like where this is going...
3179349 Fixed.
3179098 Wow, can't believe I wrote that. Changed it to "idiot."
Thanks to both of you for pointing these things out.
Ok so far I've read 4 chapters and this is actually a good story Though there were a couple of hiccups in chapter 3 her friend's actions a little odd but believable for what happened I feel sorry for Twilight though her budding interest with Rarity and all Rarity thinks of is stallions Twilight having requited love is kind of a bummer but I'm sure something will work out At least I hope so I shall continue on this journey you have mapped and I will comment after I get to the last chapter posted.
This is weird. The porn director seems like a combination of reality and stereotype... Same with the set. Real, successful, porn studios are super professional. They make a ton of money and they know how to make more. There's not really anything sleazy about them. They make films.
Now shitty little operations, that's something else. But the tone suggests to me that this is supposed to be a GOOD studio.
Edit: I'm also not sure how you're gonna make this into smut. Porno sex is... Not sex. It's not passionate or sensual. It's clinical, and shot in parts.
"It had come so suddenly. Seeing Rarity in those alluring poses had triggered it in her, and even with the memory of those images fading away, Twilight had felt a growing feeling of passion for her friend."
Don't worry, Twilight, EVERYONE'S gay for Rarity.
Also, HC=Hard Core. CALLED IT!
3322198 yes you did friend...yes you did!
>apparently not remembering with book she stashed it in
Do you mean "which"?
This is a minor gripe but why use the word foolish not foalish
Anypony else hear saxophone music?
Fun story! It drives me crazy when you use 'Hand' when it should be hoof, however. It happened a couple of times this chapter.
I'm having a ton of fun with this. I must say the way you keep on using human terms makes me think you originally meant to do this with humanoid characters but either forgot to implement or just edited it badly. Either way, I will keep reading.