• Member Since 24th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen Mar 22nd, 2015

Jeremy Llama


A non brony with a tragic back story, and close to have given up on life, finds one little pony that will change everything and bring joy back into his life. With little knowledge about My Little Pony must now learn about the show and take care of this little orange pony. This pony teaches him about something he has forgotten from when he was younger a "happier time" he always called it. Join him as he becomes a brony, and learns about love and life!

I got a spell checker: "JakeTheRake." Go nag him ti get it done. :)
This is a story I wrote two days after I read my favorite story "My Little Dashie". I'm not trying to copy it at all I just thought I might as well have something to do in my free time of which I have a lot of. I'm hoping that no one else made something like this as well. I wasn't going to publish this anywhere because the more I thought about it the more I thought I would just get hate, but might as well put it out here in hopes someone will be entertained or so. Anyways enjoy!

Chapters (11)
Comments ( 41 )

Wow, that surely was gut-wrenching at the end. Just like My Little Dashie, I felt so much sadness. Let me guess, the next pony you find is Aj's little sis, Applebloom? If so, give me a brohoof. If not, tell me who it is. It could even be Big Mac.

284879 Thanks. I have been thinking about doing most of the ponies but, it wouldn't be able to go along with either MLD or MLAP just a different series using the same things as both. Although I could manage both of them to tie in with each other.

*reading the last part of this chapter* ... one thing just went through my mind... TIME PARADOX!!!


so much sadness:pinkiegasp:
but yet so entertaining:pinkiehappy:

This chapter seems incomplete

343010 Yeah I forgot to put down that it was incomplete. *Changes

Wait if this chapter is incomplete then why is the story labeled complete? :unsuresweetie:

366331 Beacuse it's going to be a different ending entirely. I got the first ending done but not the second ending. Technically making it finished. :twilightsmile:

Oh well I'll just keep this tracked....just in case

This was so sad it pulled hate out o me and placed it with actual feelings sir/madam I tip my hat to you.

Im sorry but I didnt feel anything from this story aside from shock when the human was prepping his gun for suicide.

The numerous jarring paragraph repeats, grammer issues, and the lack of a line break to indicate a shift from flashback to present kept me from really getting drawn in and feeling for the dude and AJ.

The instructions for the music in the third to last chapter was really confusing, it would be better if you put the link to the second song where in the text you want us to start it so its easier to feel it rather then trying to figure out where you want it. In addition, I think the music and the instructions actually removed what little immersion I was able to get.

The universe bending properties of ponies...:facehoof:*sigh*.... Im sorry but I couldn't buy it and the repeat explanations didnt do it any favors. Im usually ok with some OOC behavior so that the ponies are acting appropriately to the situations that fic writers drop them in, but the OOC here with the rest of the cast just didn't jibe here.

You should have explained where his first house was and its layout abit more because I was confused as to how he shoved together enough apple trees in his suburban back yard (with room for AJ to move around) to have enough to stock an apple store. Which leads me to another thing: What 16-18 year old has the capital to open up a store and get a business liscence?! Wasn't he working in a grocery store at the begining?
If he is 16-18 years old, shouldn't he be in high school as mandated by the state? Unless he dropped out...
Shouldn't Child Protective Services have at least been brought up at some point since he was a minor when his last relative died thus leaving him without a gaurdian or foster parent?

Concerning the gun: I may not be a hunter, but I am almost certain that its illegal to hunt with automatic weapons. Most handguns I've seen marketed for hunting are revolvers. From what I've heard and read, hunters tend to use .38-.45 caliber rounds for most game and the little .22 for birds. 9mm is mostly selfdefense against other people.

Im sorry if I was a bit dickish or mean in my review.
I wanted to enjoy this, I really did. I was actually thinking about how I hadn't found an AJ on earth fic when I stumbled on yours. I was actually happy that you were going after the My Little Dashie recipe for success of ploppin AJ as a filly in a box.
It was the above issues that kept me from feeling it. Heck, it started to feel like "Half Life: Full Life Consequences" or "Spiderses" at around the time Celestia showed up and I am almost certain that Spike just seemingly disappeared after his appearance at the front door.

Again, sorry I was mean but, I felt like I should tell you the issues that you should fix up so that you can turn this into a better fic for future readers. Its just that reading this fic hurt, and not in the good kind of hurt that you get from My Little Dashie, but the bad kind of hurt when you get when you power through a poorly made meal so you dont waste the money and food or hurt someone's feelings or the kind of hurt that you get when you take a class thats mandatory but you dont want to take it and its taught so poorly that you feel dumber at the end of it(I've had one of those, its a bad feel).

"if I keep her hear the world will eventually cease to exist... "

395809 FINALLY AN HONEST REVIEW! I agree with pretty much everything. This was my first time writing a story (The reason why I didn't mention this is because I wanted honest reviews and not just trying to be nice about it I need to get better.). I also know little about the show (even though I watch it alot. :twilightblush: I don't take offence easily so don't worry about that.

I do agree with you, I should have explained in more detail in the story. I know the grammatical problems but although I'm good in English I'm terrible at grammar and have a tendency not to double check. What I've been wanting to do is completely redo the story. Explain where he lived get AJ more involved and completely redo everything. I guess the music part wasn't really needed. *Removes

I'm happy to see someone actually give an honest review since even I knew this story isn't the greatest. (I give it a 4/10 personally) Another thing I wanted to address was why he wasn't in school. What I was going for (Till I forgot.) was explain that he wasn't in a very good neighbor hood. He dropped out because his school was doing nothing but trying to get him arrested. (Reasons I can't remember) And I also wanted to go more into detail whenever the main character watched My Little Pony for the first time instead of what I put which was pretty much like this "He watched the show, he liked it learned a bit from it the end."

I should have put down what kinda place he worked at aswell. In my mind it was just a small dark office building with few workers. I also should have put down what his house looked like. In my mind (again) I imagined a moderately small sized house but big enough for a filly to run around in. The house was dark broken down and has a cold feeling to it.

Thanks for the first into detail review. :twilightsmile:

395809 :facehoof: I can't believe I made that error. Thanks for pointing it out for me. :twilightsmile:

400474 No problem glad, I could help. You might want to recruit a good grammer Nazi to be a prereader for you.
Myself, Im not the greatest with all of the fine mechanics of grammer and will have a few problems come out.
Sometimes asking for reviews will cause more people to be vocal about any errors they find.

401221 I've got one. He's not really working on it right now but he's the top commenter on this page. "JakeTheRake"

*looks at JakeTheRake's comment*
He is a bit more critical of your work in PM's right? (Sorry if thats a bit dickish)

401621 Nah. We're friends so I'm guessing he's not really wanting to be honest (although I don't mind that.)

(I wanted to get this out so others can see it aswell.) Me and him were on skype (Because we are in a cast on youtube and are friends) and he asked if he could do a narration of my story. We started and he pointed out alot of flaws. I said "Why don't you be my new spellchecker?" and he accepted. Hasn't really been working on it he's been working on a mod for Minecraft though. Although I don't really keep up to date with him on it since I'm moving to Alabama and have been busy, I do check with him every now and again.

420054 Thanks. I didn't really try though. I just wrote something similar, not really thinking about posting it somewhere for anyone to read.

not as emotional as My Little Dashie (which made me cry) but close...the ending was a little weird though was it repeating after the same box arrived at his doorstep??

While it was rushed and could have been better, I enjoyed the story nonetheless. I must confess that the ending made cry so much that my face was filled tears and my nose was stuffy. This was probably the only story that made me do that and is why I Favorited.

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