Love: It turns the world in an ever-encapsulating whirlwind, a tornado that is as viciously passionate as it is voraciously horrifying.
Belief: That which some ponies rely their whole lives upon, for sometimes, seeing is not always believing.
Me: A word that stems from the mouth of the user, to describe him or herself in a simple phrase. A phrase that knows no description, no discrepancies, no gender, and is only in the eye of the beholder. The beholder, of course is "me", "myself", and "I".
These words all mean something to Certain Pony.
To Another, they mean not a thing.
But, what do they mean to the world as a whole, in the eyes of one who sees all in the light of beauty and magnificence, and the other who sees but only darkness and sadness?
What, do they mean to Certain Pony and Another?
Umm, this is very philosophical. I admire how much thought you have put into it for it can either be a depressing stage or an uplifting scene. I kinda don't want to answer the last question for I already know what my answer would be. Nice work!
3076472 Thanks a lot! I really appreciate you taking the time to comment and read the story, and I'm really glad you enjoyed it!
Love always and forever,
-Ghost
Interesting. However, you spell "Cheerilee" wrong and it's a bit distracting for me. Also, "What an morose day in Ponyville." Please fix that if you have time.
Anyway, this is a pretty cool idea and I think I will fave this.
3077550 GAH! I knew something was off!! Fixing.. And thanks! Glad ya liked it!
Love always and forever,
-Ghost
Name of Story: Eg. Inky Jay's Awesome Adventure in Equestria
Grammar score out of 10: 6. You could probably do with an editor. Here are some of the more egregious mistakes I saw:
This sentence is in past tense, but the rest of your story is in present tense. Make sure you go through and change any verbs ending in "-ed" so that they are present tense.
S crush, typo.
"Short" should not be capitalized.
There should be a semicolon here, not a comma, since you are joining two independent clauses without a coordinating conjunction. Also, I think that sentence ought to end with a period, not an exclamation mark.
Pros
-I loved the duality of this story, how they both saw the same things and commented on them in different ways.
-LOVED the ending. Was not expecting it.
-You did a good job writing in two different, unique styles for each character. It was almost like a different auther was writing each one.
Cons
-Certain Pony uses WAY too many exclamation points. I get that he is supposed to be happy and carefree, but good grief. This really hurts the readability of the story. It hurts my eyes. You only need a fifth of the number that you have. The fact that he is happy go lucky is already conveyed well enough by the narration to not need all of them.
-Some of your paragraphs could stand to be broken up a bit. One of them, about Another walking on the pebbles, is almost a page long. It's just a giant wall of text, and there's no need for that. Again, it hurts my eyes.
-You don't quite get into why Another is so depressed. I think you hint that he has a messed up family life, but other than that it kinda seems a bit strange. But I guess I can excuse that since it later turns out that they are two halves of the same pony.
Notes Section (how you can improve your fic, at the very least an elaboration of Pros and Cons section)
-I'd like to have seen the story told from Cheerilee's point of view as well. That would have been a neat twist.
-You have a bit too much white space in between the story and the headings "Act One" "Act Two" etc. You only need about a fifth that much space.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Our Pony Past Life.
3112954 Thank ya kindly for the review.
I can't believe I missed that "S"...
Also, who said what gender the two ponies were?
Nevertheless, I appreciate you taking the time to read my story and critique it, for what it's worth. On the grammatical side of things, I'll admit that I'd like to have someone to help edit my stories, but my stubbornness and fear prevent me from asking, even though I've joined groups that have willing editors in them. Call i a personality flaw, if you will. I have a problem with people seeing my unfinished works. One could argue that the editor would pre-read and help out before I publish my work, though.
Suffice it to say, I enjoy more making mistakes on my own and having others correct them, but not editors. I don't know, something about having one person scan my writing for errors scares me. Gee, I'm being hypocritical! I should just go find an editor anyway...
Moving on! The point I was trying to make with Certain Pony and the use of exclamation points was purely a personal choice, meant to do its job. The use of exclamation points can hurt the eyes when used too many times, but that was the point. Not only was Certain Pony's narration meant to be "carefree and happy-go-lucky", but also the spelling (minus certain errors), sentence structure, and exclamation usage were meant to convey that. Certain Pony is so happy and cheerful that it hurts others, in a way.
When the other ponies stare at Certain Pony, it's showing how Certain Pony commands a room in quite possibly the most annoying way possible, and is why Certain Pony and Another sit alone. It is because the other ponies can't stand Certain Pony! Also, the exclamations were obviously meant to contrast with Another's narration, if that wasn't obvious enough.
About Another's "family life". I had conflicts with going into too much detail about Another's family, to be honest. It really angered me that I couldn't really show any of it or get into Another's reasons for being depressed, but that, again, when I finally got to the end of the story, realized that that was the point.
The reader doesn't know if Another really has a bad home life or not. They don't know what Another does when not in school. Does Another get bullied? Does Another suffer from abuse? Is Another simply just cranky? That's what I wanted to get out of the reader, that want for more in the worst way possible. Those questions are Certain Pony's exclamation points.
With Cheerilee, because of the ending I couldn't put an Act with her in it, but it would've been an interesting twist, and, if the story ended slightly differently, I'm sure I could've easily pulled off a similar twist with the final act being from her perspective.
Nonetheless, I'm glad you enjoyed the story overall, and I thank you for your words of wisdom and critique. I shall put it to use in further projects of mine! *Runs off to read your story and begin the epic search for a well-needed, long overdue editor*
Love always and forever,
-Ghost
3112954 Also, what's with the Inky Jay thing?
And what group did you review this for, if any? Unless this is how you comment on stories usually? It's just that I'm in so many groups it's hard for me to keep track sometimes of what guidelines some use and what groups have reviews and such.
Love always and forever,
-Ghost
3113992 Oh, yeah, it was a review for the Authors Helping Authors group. I corp and pasted their format when responding to your story, which left the Inky Jay thing in there. My bad.
Hi, I saw your story in Authors Helping Authors. Here's a quick review for you
Name of Story:
Believe In Love; Believe In Me
Grammar:
I'm completely terrible at this so I'll leave this one up to more qualified bronies.
Fixme:
This, potentially, is not a typo.
I don't know what this is trying to say. Slightest degree? Like, not scratched very much?
This sounds awkward. Maybe 'but I'm unsure.' instead?
Pros:
- This story is more like poetry to me than a story. It seems to be less about plot and more about exploring imagery and concepts.
- "It makes me want to spit rainbows and cry gumdrops." <-- Thumbs up for this line alone.
- This is incredibly ballsy. It certainly seems to be doing some original things. First person, present tense, split into three acts? Breaking the fourth wall at the end... Hat's off to you, friend, for thinking outside the box.
Cons:
- This story is more like poetry to me than a story. It seems to be less about plot and more about exploring imagery and concepts.
- I don't like the way it ended. Maybe it's just me, but I was already pondering the question of which one of them was real. You didn't actually have to say it. In addition to almost outright explaining it, with the mirror thing, you dropped about a billion hints, like how they never seem to split up, and how the hugs seem extra 'personal' and all sorts of little hints peppered in there. I think you should have just relied on the strength of those hints rather than explicitly saying it at the end. I just feel like there could have been a more elegant way to handle this. It felt so clunky, and lacked the graceful imagery and flow of the rest of the story.
- It seemed to drag on a bit, to me. I don't know, though, I guess I'm a little weird. People keep telling me my own writing feels rushed, maybe I just like things to be short and sweet and to focus on the plot elements that are critical to the story.
Notes Section:
It was an absolute delight reading this. It's great to see something completely different.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at this stories of mine: Just Like Me - A tragedy about a soldier's experience dealing with the realities of war.
3113977
I agree about the exclamation points. You get a pass because it's first person and all the crazed gleeful shouting actually adds to the story.
If it was third person then I don't know if there's ever an excuse to use an exclamation point in non-dialog.
3183118 Thank you so much on your critique! I really appreciate all you've said and I will read and review your story in due time! I'll admit, I tried to be more poetic with the overall focus of the story, and with many of my other stories (two of them are just poems!) I try to expand my ideas with the meaning of the poetic art, whether or not it succeeds or fails.
My goal with anything however, success or failure, is to entertain, and I'm glad I could do that!
As far as the ending is concerned, I'm thinking of editing my grammatical errors and taking out Act III entirely. Or at least doing something else with it. I've let the story sit for a few weeks and I must agree, it is very clunky and out of place. Any ideas on how I might change it if I keep it in?
All writing is rewriting, as my firend says.
Love always and forever,
-Ghost