Samael Sundance was always awkward, shy, clumsy, and loveless. But he has a kind heart, and would show it, if only he had more confidence. After twenty-five years of living in fear, Samael one day decides to confess his love to the only pony able to melt his heart: Rarity. Will he find true love? Or will he find something more?
This isn't just a story of wanting to be loved. It is a story of the kindness of strangers, of friendly misunderstanding, of sacrifice, of loyalty to your friends, of realizing your impact on the lives of others, and of the beauty of friendship, and that just because we may not get what we haven't had doesn't mean it will never come. This is the story of the day Samael Sundance's life changed forever.
Chapters (8)
I honestly don't know why this has so many dislikes. I rarely read romance stories, but this once just caught my eyes. (Granted, it was a little biased by us having very similar usernames) Anyways, I liked it. The story flows quite well, and I felt myself wanting to know what happens next. Don't fret because of the dislikes, since this story is pretty good!
2071210 Oh wow, thank you so much! It is odd how we have almost identical usernames. I just named mine GW because that's my ponysona (hence the avatar.) I'm pretty sure the dislikes were mostly because it involved and OC of some sort. I'm currently working on chapters 3 and 4, which should be the end, if everything goes as planned. Eh, thanks anyway, I really appreciate it! If you have any stories, I'll definitely read them. Trust me, though, this story may not end the way most expect, because unless it's done extremely well, I don't think OC's should ever get with main characters. But that's just me. Thanks again for taking time to read it!! You have no idea how happy it makes me that at least one person took the time to dive into something I've worked genuinely hard on. Now, I'm determined to finish it, just for you and RedRecorder94!! Any fans is better than none at all! Yeah, I'm ranting again..........
Oooh boy. Thanks a lot though!!!
2071400 No problem! I give this story 5 out of 5 mustaches!
2071423 Huzzah!!! And I saw by stalking your profile you wrote a Fallout Equestria Fic. I love post-apocalypticism!!!
Any-whosit, thanks again, and don't be surprised if I comment on YOUR stories as well!
2071456 Looking forward to it!
D'aww, poor Samael. Hopefully things turn out well, or at least on a positive note. Either way, I'll definitely be sticking around 'til the end!
2076239Haha thanks. Dont worry, theres no tragic or sad tag so it'll be an optimistic ending. How I'm to get there is unknown right now, though. I guess I'll just write and see what happens.
2076550 Most excellent! Don't rush it, let the ending and the path to the ending come to you.
2076617But of course. My original, and obviously, still is, intention was to have the first chapter be slow and calculated... kinda. Then the in-betweens be more fast-paced with something awful happening right before the final chapter:The Confrontation with Rarity. I've planned since the beginning for the last chapter to be the longest, as it not only will wrap up Samael's only story, but has a lot of dialogue as well. Im guessing it will be about 4,000 words, hopefully more. Wow I never thought I'd hear myself say that! But this will definitely be the end, and the only other time i may ever use Sammy again is either in other unvierses as a very minor character, or someone to kill off in a Dark fic. I just hope I can write Rarity well, as she's definitely an interesting character, in my opinion.
2076670 Good luck!
Can't wait to see the result.
2076695Thanks! Can't wait to finish and start something new! Expect possible shippy feels and a little Darkness. This is a weird question but do you know any groups with tips for writing one-shots?
2076756 I don't, sorry. But if you need some more groups to call home, check the groups section on my page. Most of them are good places to put your stories, although I'm not all that sure about the tips. You might get some tips if you post a new forum topic! And remember, the more groups, the more places your stories can go and get noticed!
2076791That's very true. Someone posted a saying something like groups are the key to views and followers. That's definitely true, from what I've seen. Thanks anyway!
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: What We Haven't Had
Grammar score out of 10 (1 is grammar that needs to be worked upon as basic principles such as capitalization and spelling is an issue, and 10 is impeccable): 8 I was unable to find any glaring errors that I could see, beyond the rocky opening I found the dialogue to be reasonably well written (i.e. no misspelled words, glaring issues with capitalization, punctuation etc.).
Pros: I found myself enjoying the story, despite me expecting it to be another bland oc romance fic with one of the mane six.Although the oc in question, one Samael Sundance (man that name sure doesn't seem very pony) seemed to posses low levels of angst (with these types of stories it's expected) by the third chapter I was reasonably invested in him to want to continue reading more. I really enjoyed chapter two (Sam's interaction with Roseluck), however I do call into question his depression in claiming that nopony likes him everypony hates him, I guess he'll go and eat worms attitude, since he and Roseluck seemed to be rather friendly with each other. However I found Roseluck was a little too forgiving for her friends impromptu use of sexual healing (Imagine if a Stallion had liquored up a a mare in a similar fashion, she probably would have been less forgiving. Unless she found it flattering that a stallion was attracted to enough). I think Roseluck shouldn't fully forgive her friends for at least a chapter or two, before their reconciliation occurs. I did like the humor, the aforementioned sexual healing I found a bit funny, and I enjoyed the awkwardness between Big Mac and Sam trying to proposition Caramel.
Cons: I found the first few introductory paragraphs trite, and can see why some of your readers down voted you (however by the end of the third chapter I was invested in Sam's story. By the second chapter I wanted to see more). I think by reducing Sam's whinging at the beginning of the first chapter (maybe reveal it piecemeal, over the course of the first chapter to alleviate this particular complaint) would make readers more open to reading more. I don't think Roseluck's reaction to her friends betrayal was realistic (especially given she was upset at first. She was too forgiving, too fast.) Making her reconciliation with her friends as maybe a side plot I think would make that must more believable. I honestly feel that Roseluck and Sam have more chemistry (though to be fair Rarity only has one line of dialogue), and think a neat plot thread might be a love triangle between Roseluck, Sam, and Rarity (i.e. Sam thinks he loves and desires Rarity, but discovers he actually loves Roseluck more over the course of the story). Not enough Big Mac (I really liked the interaction Big Mac and Sam had together), hopefully he'll make future appearances in future chapters (possibly as a role model of the confident stallion Sam seems to need in his life and as a good friend). My last complaint is Sam's name (nitpick to be sure) it just doesn't seem to be very pony, (I could imagine a griffin Samael though).
Hopefully you found my critique to be helpful, and if not, hopefully you found it at least kind. Thank you for your time, feel free to read/comment on one of my stories: The Great Slave King a bit rough around the edges, and in need of some rewriting to be sure, its sequel The Book of Water: The Marriage of the Slave King which is my latest work, or if reading so much text burns your eyes there's a side story anthology set in the same setting Equestrian Tales Told by Tavernlight.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
2111101Wow, thanks for the compliment s and criticism! I do admit the beginning isn't as well thought out as I originally had hoped, and since someone pointed that out I'll change it when I can. Regarding Roseluck, she will make a return in the future, as well as Big Mac. But with Roseluck's situation I needed her to be an opposite of what happens to Sam later on in the story, not only with Fluttershy and Angel's rejection, but also with what will happen with the confrontation with Rarity. With Rose's forgiveness, well, I'm not going to spoil anything, but I made that particular decision simply because of a conflict involving Rose in the future that happens because of her forgiveness. Next, with Sam's name. Yes, it's not very pony-esque, I saw that with the characters' conception, but I just couldn't change his name. I couldn't bring myself to, and honestly I have no idea as to why.
Finally, Sam's pessimism. One of the morals Sam will learn by the end of the story has to do with what he feels when he's alone. That is why the beginning paragraphs are there. I don't blatantly write it, and I will alter it, but my intention is to show how Sam acts in different situations. He feels rejected when alone, and hates himself, and assumes everypony else hates him.
I'm now thinking of changing the intro to a scene where Sam is alone, making the intro longer and with less, erm, rushed results.
Regardless, I take great pride in what you said, aim to change what should be changed without altering the story too much, and will read both of your stories and critique them, as well. I may not be able to until the weekend, but I'll get around to it.
Once again, thank you. It means so much to me!!!
-Ghost
I'll give this chance despite the downvotes it has, reading on and will drop by a comment as I like.
Huh, this is good- pretty well written. I don't get where all those downvotes came from, probably from trolls or something. I'm glad that I gave this chance, reading on!
I love how Samuel doesn't know what exactly Rainbow Dash have said to her about him; which is why that line draws it out perfectly-
Write on my dear, good sir.
2284126Holy cow that's..... I don't want to sound like a fanboy but THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I've seen your stories floating around and heard how awesome they are... And to get a compliment from one that I look up to, even though only my friends have ever read your stories, it's a huge honour! Thanks again, you don't know how much those comments mean to me!
I am liking this. But I don't have time to read at the moment, so I will put on read later list and save for study halls.
2314335Thanks a bunch!!! I hope you enjoy it! Any and all constructive criticism is appreciated!!
Ahaha the ending.
2356474Heehee, wait till chapter 3!!! It's totally bonkers!!
Dis face:
Its a big cliffhanger, but as of now chapter 4 is being written but I HAVE WRITER'S BLOCK AND HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO!
great story, I like the way your developing your characters. However I do feel that your skipping around a lot i.e. jumping from one flashback starring one protagonist to another entirely without much filler or transition in between. What you have works and doesn't degrade the overall plot. But just like if an Olympic runner crossed into another athletes lane everyone would notice (probly not the best simile but it's 4 am). Either way I like your dialogue, descriptions, and overall story line. Keep up the good work because I hope to see more in the near future.
2570456 Thanks so much for the comment! Actually, at first chapter 4 was going to continue from Sam's perspective, but the way I want the story to go I had to add Rose's pov. Rose will still be in "control" for Chapter 5, but the events there, rather than providing mostly backstory, will further the plot in a way that coincides with the events Sam goes through. Kinda confusing to explain without spoilers, but it'll make sense in the end... I hope. Thanks for the criticism, and I'm glad for the feedback!
Love always and forever,
-Ghost
2727923Yes I did!! Thanks for noticing lol. I'm currently hard at work with Chapter 6 and plan to update as soon as possible!
And remember, any criticism is greatly appreciated!
Love always and forever,
-Ghost
Da Fuq was that ending?! Whatever. I approve.
~Justice
3444528 Oh, thanks a lot for that and the fave! I'll try and update whenever possible, as its been FOREVER! (Being busy kinda sucks). Stay tuned for more whenever!
Love always and forever,
-Ghost
Oh whoa, 12,000 words! Onwards to reading!