Finding the storm clouds in every silver lining. Discord: https://discord.gg/JzTPmGSUGy
During the ancient conflict between Equestria and King Sombra, a soldier recounts his experiences dealing with the realities of living in a time of war, and he reflects on the day when a chance meeting changed everything.
Part of the New Magic universe: Just Like Me, Sleep Walking, New Magic
"Author's Thoughts" blog post on this story.
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I... Wow. I really don't know what to say. That was... Moving? Intense? All of the above? Yeah, let's go with that one. You've got my approval on this. Very well done.
Loved it. Could use a quick spell-check, but otherwise brilliant.
In the description:
"...between The Crystal Empire, and Eqestria"
In the text:
"...grimice"
3179818
Thanks! I've been using spellcheck all along, though. Aside from words like 'Equestria' and 'foalhood', it isn't catching anything. Can you PM me the specific errors you found and I'll touch them up?
3179822
Edited my post below for the ones I could catch.
3179825
Fixed. Thanks.
3179725
I'm really glad you liked it. Also, your avatar is awesome. I'll take six.
I was writing up a large review of this thing, but my computer crashed.
*sigh*
Anyway, I liek the story. It has a good setup, good timing, good grammar, and good layout.
But, I feel the use of 'You' for Luna could have been avoided. I, personally, think that 'she' and 'her' would have suited the story better.
Another thing is that Pepper's death scene should have been...Longer? more intense? Both of these things, i guess. The death of a friend(especially right next to you) is a very big thing, and could have been taken with a little more emotion. Could have gotten a bit more down-and-dirty with the details.
But, all in all, I liked it.
&& Thanks for the review on Whiskey Lullaby.
3182528
[Spoilers]
So the personal touch about this entire story being directed at Luna specifically didn't do anything for you? Like how the unnamed protagonist compares Luna to Sombra (back before it's revealed who Luna is), and says 'My daughter looks like you'?
Also it was the key mystery that I put into the plot.. I wanted the reader to wonder who the unnamed protagonist is talking to this entire time, and why. Could it have been some soldier? Some bystander? His mom? Who knows :p Sucks that it wasn't compelling :( I hope to get more feedback on that.
I imagine just saying 'my daughter looks like Luna' wouldn't have done what I wanted at all, in addition to revealing early that Luna is involved.
I think perhaps the thing I should have done was have the unnamed protagonist address 'you' much more often, to constantly remind the reader that he's directing this entire story at someone.
You know, it's interesting about Pepper.. I had many feelings about him. My original intention was to have lots of interactions with him, like a lengthy scene where I imply that he's going to become an important part of the plot, but it was for the opposite of what you wanted. I wanted to his quick and pointless death all the more devastating.
The part I was worried about being too short was the battle scene. There could have been a million more examples of horrible events going down on the battlefield that culminated in the unnamed protagonist's eventual decision to flee.
In the case of the last two points, I chose to keep that stuff short. The story was about the moment at the end, and what led up to it. I didn't want to make it too much about Pepper or about gory war stories.
3182620 I didn't mean to say call her Luna - I meant to use nameless gender terms, such as She and Her. You already revealed the characters' gender by saying 'just like my daughter', so I felt that the 'you' was a bit pointless. 'You' is used to speak to the reader, so it just doesn't make any seance to me.
I'm sorry if I come off as rude - I really don't mean to. I do, in fact, quite like the story.
3182638
Ah, I suppose I could have done that :) Thanks for the feedback.
3182647 And thank you for yours.
Can't wait to see this from Luna's perspective.
Review by: GhostWriter17
Let's get this started! WARNING. MAJOR SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW. DO NOT READ IF YOU WISH TO NOT BE SPOILED.
Grammar (no score, just thoughts and such):
Forgot the a there! Whoops!
I don't know, seeing as you used spell check, if wherever you're from/what you use depends on the spelling of "sargent" but where I'm from, we spell it "sergeant".
You should spell it "straight". A strait is a narrow passage of water that leads to larger bodies of water, if I remember correctly.
"Knew". Past tense.
"Erupted". Past tense. Also, either change both green letters to "me" or "you".
"Blacksmith".
Common errors, overall. We all make mistakes.
Pros:
-I liked the battle scene and structure of the story. It was all very fast and moved at a blinding speed. I feel like, seeing as [SPOILERS] the main character is now dead and is recalling memories that only truly specific details would come back, and only important information would be retained.
-Also, let's face it, fighting isn't some slow-mo ordeal. It's fast, its rough, and it's merciless. You wrote it all well with enough detail, but didn't add too much.
-The reveal of Luna being the reader at the end.
-Well-written and an interesting concept, to say the very least.
Cons:
-The reveal of Luna being the reader at the end. It totally makes sense plot-wise, and is actually a good twist, but feels a little... I don't know. Odd? Don't get me wrong, it's fine the way it is, but something felt weird about it. Maybe because I couldn't see myself as Luna! Take this one with a grain of salt and sugar.
-There is very little character development. In other reviews for one shots I've done, I've always mentioned this. The short story is naturally faulty, especially when it comes to characters, for it gives no time to develop, and must move the plot along. Example: Pepper.
HOWEVER. Due to the way I feel you wanted, needed, and succeeded in telling your story, it all works. We aren't going through this soldier's whole life, just his memories before he died. It makes sense things are sudden, intense, and sparse, as I said earlier. Pepper's death is emotional for the main character, but just as he has no time to grieve for his friend amidst the chaos, we never got the time to meet Pepper and see him grow. This is also because we, the reader, are Luna! We have no personal attachment to this character or his life. We're simply here to hear his story. I totally get that. These aren't really cons, when I think of them, for, in a way, I feel there really aren't too many to speak of.
A story like this, an excellent little story, must be analyzed as what it is, and why it is. No story is perfect. It is what we do with our stories, our perception of perfection, that shows us the way.
I could go on and on and on, but I'll say this:
I'm really impressed! Be proud of what you've written! It's stylistic, subtle in it's own way, and a great story overall, especially considering its brevity! The ending was rather beautiful, by the way.
So, I'll leave you to bask in your glory, bask in it! And, as always, I leave my signature:
Love always and forever,
-Ghost
3187293
[Spoilers]
Thanks a lot GhostWriter17! I fixed your grammar/typo suggestions except these:
This is just another way of writing 'In training, however, the trainers didn't teach me what to do if a fireball were to erupt next to one on the battlefield.'
Here, I'm referring to a person, not a profession. The station of a blacksmith. Your way works too.
You know, I may have been nieve, but I didn't expect people to internalize the role of Luna. I wanted the story to be told to Luna, but I expected the reader to read it the way I wrote it.. as an observer, watching the soldier talk to an unknown person. Oh well, I guess if you go ahead and identify yourself as Luna, that works too. Why not? Luna is the key focal point of the story, to me, and I'm glad it was to you too :)
3194109
[Spoilers]
So if I understood your first part correctly, you would rather that the story proceeded chronologically, and slowly, giving time to fully explore the characters like the unnamed protagonist's daughter and Pepper and such?
That was my original intent, but I felt it distracted from the importance of the quick and brutal encounter at the end of the story, so I decided to squeeze it into something punchy, and just quickly humanize the main character, tease the main theme and conflict of the story, and go. Perhaps at some point I'll rewrite it.
As for the technical combat stuff, that's all really interesting :) Perhaps if I do rewrite it, I'll send you a PM and consult you heavily.
Here was my creative intent behind the battle:
- The army of Equestria is strong and organized
- The army of The Crystal Empire is a complete disaster, and they basically just throw cannon fodder at the enemy until, by sheer numbers, they're overwhelmed
- Pepper's demise demonstrates how quick and pointless death on the battlefield is.
- The presence of the sun beam explosions turns everything to shit. The battle becomes a clusterfuck, and the Equestrian army uses that advantage to start marching in to slaughter as many soldiers as they can.
- By some sheer luck, the unnamed protagonist gets his chance to flee.
So, that stuff all has to go down, but I don't care, really, the actual ways that those events come to pass. The types of tactics and such being used could have been anything, and I agree, if I knew enough to describe actual, real battlefield tactics then I absolutely would use that.
Came here from our conversation on "Innocent Beginnings" at your suggestion, but this one didn't grab me as much as that one. I suppose I just related more to Twilight than our nameless narrator here. The battle was confusing, which I suppose is thematically appropriate, but it came off as simply hard to follow through the narrative, rather than intentionally frantic. Though I do find the explanation of the poor tactics (that the army is conscripted and barely-trained) reasonable enough.
The part that actually struck me the most is that you can't tell which side the narrator is fighting for until past halfway through the fic. I think that says more than enough about how war impacts the people on the front lines.
3197359
Sweet someone noticed and appreciated that I didn't make it clear which side he was on until later
Thanks for checking it out!
If you haven't already gotten a WRITE review, well, hear I am
If you have already gotten a WRITE review, well... have another
I have to say that my first thoughts on having read this are by and large positive. I noticied but a single technical error, this being the word "balcksmith's". The grammar and standard of writing are excellent.
The tragedy is a naturally difficult genre to write, because it relies on contrasting two seemingly opposing ideals. On the one side, we must give the characters and plot that thing which all well written ones' need: development. On the other, we do this by stripping away the stability and foundations of each. It is, in a way, the only genre where the characters natural tendency is to actively try and thwart the writer's will (that being what makes it a tragedy)
It's in this dichotomy that I do find something to criticize, particularily Unamed Protagonist's...resignation to his existence (and end thereof) Now, being dead, it's only to be expected that he's not all that excited: the cards have been dealt, all that might have happened has happened already, and he only need recount it. This quality, however, became a kind of monotone narration that dampened and grey-scaled the story for me. This isn't exactly a bad impression (considering 'tragedy') though perhaps not quite the one you were aiming for, considering the more impassioned natures associated with wars and families?
As it is, the temperment of the character reads with constant, unchanging lack of emotion, without particular lows or brief, embittered ironies. Even the one instant of wanting to tell the conscriptors to fuck-off merely feels more like a statement on the original anger...without the anger now, as if such capacity to feel died with U.P.
The bean. Let's look at that.
You felt it was significant enough to be the very beginning of the story, but other than having its prescence vindicated (it being a creation of his daughter) it never really stands out beyond that, becoming something of a squib-macguffin. There was more potential to that bean, it's just the sort of colourful (literally) silly, childish, innocent something to hold onto, one that could have both been the character's anchor to the world he wishes to come back and as a sort of measuring stick to remind him just how far away from that hope his life has truly strayed. Instead, it remains a semi-relevant image, a vague symbol.
The life and death of Pepper wasn't particularily striking, but again this isn't exactly a bad thing. He isn't, after all, the focus of the story. It is by Unamed Protagonist, directed to Luna, alluding to his own daughter. Pepper just didn't have a place in that beyond dying senselessly and quickly enough to hightlight just how senseless and quick death was happening. His role, honestly, was to be a sort of tragedy-index litmus paper, and to read more into it or to presume he needed a bigger, more developed role to do his job mightn't be the case.
U.P.'s being carried along in the Wall did a fine job of culminating his helpessness. It almost felt like that was the climax of the story; He's had his wife taken, his choices taken, his own life taken (away to fight, that is) and his daugther taken. Now his shield's taken, his buddy's taken, even his option to flee is taken from him in the press and swell of bodies. That's some fine tragic character-deconstruction, that is.
...Presumeably he still has his bean? (Though I'm not sure, and the fact that I'm not sure reinforces what I said before, that it could have been used to greater effect than it was.)
His sudden break from the Wall, than, is almost disorientating. He flees (understandably)...directly into the enemy camp? (less understandably). Even his narration seems baffled as he recounts the crazy-good juking as he dodges his way to Luna.
His motivations, after so firmly establishing FEAR as his most prominent emotion, for suddenly effectively attacking Luna become suddenly out of character, to an extent, though it does also reflect the detached monotone, emotionally uninvested attribute that was hanging over the narration somewhat. Luna herself comes in a strange flavour as well, and THIS line sums both up neatly:
The contrast between her overflowing weepy/panicky/apolgizingy emotion and his sorta-kinda-lack was the slightest bit jarring.
Just like the bean, this right here could have been plumbed for so much more than we saw applied to the story. U.P.'s dying moments could have had a stronger, more lasting impression by bringing that familiarity, the tragedy of it all to bear. Even Luna's strong reaction (very innocent, childlike even [despite the bit where she kills him]) would have slotted fairly neatly into that approach. The fact that the daughter is named Moonbeam makes it all the more apparant that the juxtaposition was intentional and desired. That it could have been developed more fully saddens me somewhat.
Overall, this story leaves me with a few key points to rehash. The writing holds very good standards concerning technique, grammar and punctuation useage. The pacing is commendable (particularily so for such a short story) for neither rushing headlong into reader-confusion, nor dwelling too stagnatingly on exposition. The singular flashback is timely and appropriate. Where, in my opinion, Just Like Me struggles more is in conveying the full breadth and depth of character prescence in both of these aspects. The full impact of the tragedy is somewhat numbed down by the narrator's own resigned tone from the get-go. The bean as a symbol, Moonbeam, and the revelation of Luna, all things that could have stirred up gripping, tragic feeling and do the necessary trick were not developed enough to do so.
All in all, an excellent little story. If it doesn't quite stab one in the guts and slowly twist the blade therein, it is still a fine example of writing within the tragedy genre, conjuring up an effective (if nameless) OC in a short space and successfully running him through his paces. Well done in writing to this standard. I'm open to any queries you might have about this review, just let me know.
3205345
That review was awesome.
That's exactly the sort of thing I was looking for. I got those same complaints several times. People seemed to feel like something was absent and they wanted to see more, but you were able to identify which things were absent and why that's important. You were able to point it all out, and I find myself disagreeing with very little of what you said. Mind blown.
Okay, question time though. What could be done about the unnamed protagonist's sense of feeling resigned? Perhaps I should have shown more of how much he hates the enemy? That certainly was the only passion left in him.
If I were to rewrite this, I definitely want to keep that. I wanted Luna to be his first introduction to someone on the battlefield who doesn't hate and want to kill the enemy (not that good intentions ever saved anyone at war). I wanted it to come as a big surprise to him. I also wanted to show how devastated Luna is because it actually ties in to my other story in the same universe. ... so... any thoughts on how to make it less jarring?
Although.. when I think about it, maybe jarring was a bit of what I was going for. I wanted it to seem like what it was. They both knew, or believed, whoever acted first would survive. But.. yeah I turned away from the fear angle and focused entirely on the anger side and I shouldn't have done that.
3205471
Part of the issue, I feel, was how quickly Luna and U.P. meet, greet, and then stabby stab. To reinforce that feeling of a sudden shift one that reinforces the emotion involved rather than takes away from that, it needed to be writ it out.
There's several options here on how to do that. A lot of it comes back to building on the connections you already set the groundwork for, particularily the Moonbeam/Luna arrangement. Imagine running into, in the midst of all that, your own daughter who promptly kills you. While this isn't to say UP is utterly deluded into thinking Luna IS Moonbeam, the striking resemblence would readily be at the forefront of his thoughts. All the more so if Luna had stabbed him once and left him to bleed out (too bewildered and shocked to finish him off promptly).
His last thoughts as he bleeds out would reveal an utter metric fuck-heap about his character. To bring to mind a morbid example, think of the Joker in The Dark Knight, his "Why I use a knife," speech.
If, for example, UP's dying thought was to try and cut down Luna, despite his mind insisting to some extent she's just like his daughter, does that then show the total tragedy of it, that he's truly had it all taken from him, even his own loves and values? Were that the case, this death shows him having had become just like the conscriptors; hardened, imcompassionete, broken and unable to feel from this conflict that was never his. That would really emphasise that hate and emptiness is all you have left, as you say yourself. Being willing to stab your own daughter, even the image of her? Definitive proof of
hate > love right there.
If, on the other hand, his dying action was one for Moonbeam - say...he fumbles about and tries to give Luna the bean (presumably still colour changing, but covered in blood to an extent that it is unanimously red) and Luna, naturally, is appalled and confused by the geture, then that evokes a similiar, but different, tragic element, one of love and familiarity, even family. In this approach, not only UP but Luna aswell meet an 'enemy' who is, by and large, Just Like Them, one that could have been made quite jarring (like you wanted) by UP making a misplaced fatherly gesture towards the distraught, weeping alicorn as he died.
As it is, you name the story "Just Like Me," so ask yourself was that to say that Luna and everyone has become full hate and empty as himself? Or are they Just Like Him in that they don't want to be there, they want to live their lives, not die their deaths? The story seemed indecisive on presenting exactly what the tragedy was, and this lends to some of that numbness I mentioned before.
3207723
Awesome possum! Thanks! I wouldn't take any of your direct suggestions, because there are certain things about the encounter that I feel are important and I don't want to change, but I think I could keep those things, and satisfy the sort of thing you're looking for.
Amazing help, thanks.