Why are you still reading this??

“Shoo ya mangy varmnits!” Applejack was trying to shoo some rabbits away from her carrot crop, without much success, because the little shits just hopped out from beneath her every time she tried to stomp on them.

“Applejack!” Pinkie Pie called out, “I gotta kill myself! Can you help?”

“Kill yourself?” Applejack blinkled briefly in surprise, but switched to respond in her normally congenial manner, “Aw, that’s easy! Ya just hang yerself! Me ol’ ma always said ‘you dag nab kids! Y’all make me wanna hang myself!’ an’ then one day, sure as sugar, we found her hangin’ from the rafters. Did ‘er in reeeal good! Left ‘er hangin’ there like some sorta decoration too... ‘Till Winona ate ‘er that is.”

“But Applejack,” Pinkie Pie said, “I tried to hang myself, but it just didn’t work... I also went to Twilight, and Fluttershy, and Rarity, but apparently nothing works today! It’s like we’re in some wacky fanfiction by a notoriously demented punk-rock-star who just can’t bring herself to go all the way with killing me, but I just GOTTA kill myself Applejack! Rainbow Dash left me and I can’t live without her sexy-pony-lovin’!”

“Well then!” Applejack said, “As the most faithful, most dependable of ponies in Ponyville, Ahm’a be sure ta be the one to break your bad luck streak! ‘Cmon!” with that, she turned to trot off behind the barn, “Lemme show ya somethin’ I read about in a book this one time! Ah think it was called ‘Old Yeller’ or somethin’... I dunno, I ain’t too inta readin... But lemme tell ya, this one’s a sure-fire way to get you good and dead!”

“Oh boy!” Pinkie Pie trilled, bouncing after her, “I hope you’re right: I’m gonna need a real DOOSIE to get this job done!”

Soon, Applejack had tied Pinkie Pie down to a stake behind the barn, and had produced a shiny black tube with what looked like a wooden handle on one end. “A’ight Pinkie Pie, this here’s my ‘BOOMSTICK’. I got it fer killin’ things, but ah’ve never had the thought ta use it before...”

Pinkie Pie’s eyes widened and she squealed with delight, “Oh BOY! That’s SURE to kill me good and dead!”

“Eyup! Tha’s what Ah figured!” Applejack brightly nodded, “Now alls Ah gotta do is figure out how ta make this consarned contraption work... Ah know ya gotta put these here ‘bullet’ things in here...” she pulled a bullet out of her hat and loaded it into the barrel, cocking it nicely, “Then from what Ah understand, ya gotta point it at yer target...” she raised the gun in her hooves, balancing on her hind legs and pointing it towards Pinkie Pie, “And then, Ah guess ya just pull this here trigger...” with that, Applejack pulled the trigger, firing a heavy slug from the barrel...

...Which missed Pinkie Pie entirely, due to Applejack’s lack of practice…

...And hit one of the rabbits stealing her carrots.

It exploded!

Then it exploded again!

The other rabbits all froze, staring at its remains, which now covered the carrot field and everything in it, including them. They didn’t need a second thought to take off running faster than Applejack had ever seen, dropping their carrots and scattering into the woods.

“Aw! So that’s what this thing does!” Applejack beamed down at the gun, closing one eye and peering into the barrel with the other, “That’s real nifty!”

“Great!” Pinkie Pie cheered, “Now quick, blow my head off so I don’t have to live anymore!”

“Al’ight then Sugar-Cube!”Applejack said, loading and raising the gun a second time, “Say ‘yer prayers and prepare ta die!”

“Okie Dokie Lokie!” Pinkie Pie put her hooves together and quickly prayed:

Dear Princess Celestia,

It’s ME! PINKIE PIE! The best party-pony around! You remember me right? I was the one who ruined the dancing and music at the Gala, and ate that cupcake right out of your grasp when you visited ponyville! Come ta think of it... you probably hate me... LEMME TRY AGAIN!

Dear Princess LUNA,
I was just praying to your sister, but I realized she probably hates me, so I’m praying to you now. HI! So, Rainbow Dash doesn’t love me anymore, but I still love her, and if I still love her but she doesn’t love me back then I’ll be miserable, and I don’t wanna be miserable! So that’s why I’m killing myself, but I tried to hang myself but that was too hard, so I went to Twilight and tried to get her to kill me but she couldn’t find the right book, so I went to Fluttershy and she tried to feed me to a bear but he’d converted to Buddhism and couldn’t eat me any more, so I went to Rarity but she just wanted to play dress-up, so I went to Applejack and now I’m here and she’s got a gun so soon I’ll be good and dead! Isn’t that neat? Anyway, I know I’m killing myself and all that, but I’m a good pony and I eat ALL my alfalfa, so please don’t send me to pony hell! Ok? Thanks a bunch!
Amen!

“ALRIGHT!” Pinkie Pie was triumphant, “All set and prayed for!” She waved a hoof at Applejack, both in readiness and farewell, “Bye Applejack! You were a great friend to know!”

“You too Sugar-Cube! G’bye!” she leveled the gun on Pinkie, readying herself to literally blow her friend away...

“Applejack! What the hay is goin’ on here?” came a protest from above, “I mean, I’m TRYING to take a nap here, but you and Pinkie Pie are setting off fireworks in the middle of the day!”

“Rainbowdash!” Pinkie Pie said, “Applejack here offered to help me kill myself, so she’s gonna blow my head of with her gun!”

Rainbow Dash did a double-take, “Wait, wait, WHAT? Pinkie Pie, are you SERIOUS?! What in the hay is wrong with you two! What could possibly make you want to KILL YOURSELF, and why in the hay would Applejack even CONSIDER helping you do something so... so... HORRIBLE!? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, A WACKY FANFICTION BY A NOTORIOUSLY DEMENTED PUNK-ROCK-STAR???”

Elsewhere, Raccoon laughed maniacally, making that trademark wide-eyed zany face, “When you staaart to get old, it’s a failure to die, when you’re young... YOUNG AND STUPID!!!”

“But, Rainbowdash!” Pinkie pleaded, “You told me you were done with me, and then I was all alone”

Rainbow facehoofed, “‘Done with you’?? No Pinkie! I meant I was done eating you out for the time being, not that I didn’t want to be your lesbian-love-muffin anymore!” she flew down to her marefriend, taking her hoof tenderly, “Pinkie Pie, I still love you, and I always will! Don’t ever think that I’ll leave you, even for Applejack!” she glanced over at Applejack, “Not that I don’t like our regular rolls in the hay.”

“Nah! I gotcha Rainbow!” Applejack grinned, shouldering her rifle and waving it off with a hoof, “Ah ain’t ever leavin’ Rarity for you neither!”

“Either way,” Rainbow protested, “Why would you kill yourself JUST because you thought I’d left you? And why would all the others actually try and HELP you with it?” she gave Applejack an annoyed look.

“I dunno: in a place called Ponyville, ANYTHING can happen!” Pinkie Pie pointed out with a shrug.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, “Oh Pinkie Pie, you are so random!”

“Thaaat’s me!” Pinkie Pie trilled.

And then they made out.

And after that they had hawt lesbian pony-sex, and Rainbow’s hoo-ha tasted like skittles.

Happily ever after.

Until they died.

THE END.

THAT’S MY FANFIC! I HOPE YOU LIKED IT! DON’T FORGET TO RATE AND REVIEW!!! :D

Author's Note:

Wow... I can't believe you're still reading this...

I'm glad people like this weird crackfic from like, 6 years ago. I really should've posted it sooner, but I kept putting it off.

If you want another fic that's comparatively zany, go read Hoofbeats. It's less depraved, but also the zany kind of funny.

[Adult story embed hidden]

If you want to hear my cover of Evil Enchantress from this time period (like, 6 years ago) go ahead. It's some real shit. And I mean the bad kind of shit.