Pinkie Pie Wants To Die

by Rockstar_Raccoon

Twilight Snuffle

Author's Note:

"This is some Real Shit!"
"It's good shit right?"
"No! It's bad shit!"
- Futret

“Twilight!” Pinkie Pie said in a disheartened tone, standing just inside the thresshiold of the library, “Rainbow Dash left me and doesn’t want to be lesbian-love-buddies anymore, so now I’m sad because I’m all alone, so I want to kill myself but I couldn’t do it when I tried on my own so I need you to help me kill myself!”

“Well, that’s pretty bad, but are you sure you want to kill yourself, Pinkie Pie? I mean, there are alot of other things to live for, like Books! I mean, there are books about plenty of things, like cupcakes, and weather, and-”

“Twilight!” Pinkie Pie said, grabbing her by the shoulders, “Help me kill myself!”

“No Pinkie Pie!” Twilight shook her head sternly, “I’m not going to help you commit suicide just because you keep asking!”

“Twilight!” Pinkie Pie pleaded even harder, staring deep into her eyes, “Help... me... Kill Myself!!”

“Oh, fine...” Twilight gave in, her head and ears slumping, “Come on inside then...” she turned and lead her friend inside.

“YAY!” Pinkie Pie squealed with delight: soon she’d be dead and she wouldn’t have to be lonely and marefriendless anymore, all thanks to Twilight! She clapped her hooves a bit, then skipped inside after Twilight...

Twilight plopped down on her couch, motioning for Pinkie to take a seat on the nearby chair, “So... You want to kill yourself. Now, the question is how, have you had any good ideas so far?”

“Well, I tried hanging myself, but that didn’t work out so good...” Pinkie Pie said, a note of dismay in her voice, “I was hoping you had a good idea on how to go about it: I’m sure a lonely nerd like you fantasizes about good ways to kill yourself all the time...”

Twilight blinked, “What. Pinkie, no... I... What...?” She shook it off, “Whatever, whatever, look, I have an idea: why not have Spike burn you to death with his fire-breath?”

Spike, as if on cue, popped his head out of the bedroom upstairs, grinning from ear to ear.

Pinkie cringed, “Er, I don’t think so... Fire isn’t that efficient, and Spike really can’t put alot of power into it, so I’m sure it’d be long and painful...”

“You’re right,” Twilight nodded sheepishly, “Spike can’t even burn the binding off a book, let alone the flesh off a pony...”

Spike’s grin died into a frown as he sunk back into the bedroom.

Twilight thought for a bit longer, suddenly speaking up as if a lightbulb had gone on in her head, “Oh, I have an idea!” she hopped up, trotting over to a bookshelf in the back of the ‘S’-section. “‘S’ for ‘Suicide’!” she exclaimed triumphantly, looking around for a moment before finding a book on the subject, “Oh! This looks like a good one!” she lifted herself up, putting her forehooves on the shelf and pulling a book down with the glowing telekinesis of her horn. ”How to Kill Yourself... A reference guide!” Twilight brightly read aloud, “This is sure to solve all our problems! We’ll just go ahead and do everything by the book!”

“A book on Suicide?” Pinkie was already glad she’d come here, ”Oh Twilight, this is SURE to work! I just never realized that anypony would write a book like that. Who’s it by?”

Twilight stared at the author on the cover, “It’s by... Photo Finish...?” she blinked.

“Photo Finish??” Pinkie was quite confused, “But why would she write a book on-”

“Let’s... Let’s not ask...” Twilight stopped her, opening the book with a cringe, trying to ignore the note on it requesting that anypony who used the book allowed Photo Finish to record video-footage of the act for one of her “less mainstream” side-projects...

---

Around twenty minutes later, they were in the basement, with Pinkie Pie strapped down to a metal table suspended from the ceiling, all four legs spread in a very compromising pose. Nearby, Twilight had lined up some syringes of adrenaline, along with a machete, a hacksaw, and a kitchen knife. “Alright!” she said, “Looks like we’ve got everything here!” She magically checked the last thing off the list she’d made on her clipboard, “It’s a good thing I’m so organized: you’re sure to be good and dead in no time!” She read on, “Ok... So... Oh.. Um...” she looked up at Pinkie Pie, “So apparently I was supposed to drug you before we did this, so you weren’t awake while I strapped you down... That’s ok, right?”

“Oh don’t worry about that, just skip to the good part!” Pinkie trilled, “You know, the part where you start to kill me!”

Twilight nodded, “Right!” she browsed through it, picking up the hack-saw, “Ok, so now I’m supposed to say, ‘I wonder why they call it a Hack-Saw... Hacking’s what I did with the Machete earlier!’”

“Machete?” Pinkie Pie said, confused, “Twilight, you haven’t even used the machete yet!”

Twilight looked back, “Oh, it says here I was supposed to do that to your wings or horn if you were a unicorn or pegasus, but I guess that doesn’t apply here... Um...” she flipped forward a little more, picking up the kitchen-knife, “Ok, so now I’m supposed to gut you and... and keep you awake with the adrenaline? What? This doesn’t make any sense...”

“I’ll say, Twilight: this is just silly! Are you reading this from some bizarre snuff-fic? What’s the title?”

“It’s apparently a popular procedure called... ‘Cupcakes’...?” Twilight raised her brow in confusion, “What does this have to do with cupcakes??”

Pinkie Pie slipped easily out of the restraints (because look at the ponies’ hooves in the damn show, how do you restrain that??) and trotted over, glancing over at the page, “Twilight, this is a book of snuff-porn scripts! And snuff-porn’s like, my LEAST FAVORITE type of porn! You should really find a book on Amatuer-Action or Gender-Transformation or something like that, or better yet, a better way to kill me!”

“Erm...” Twilight was really unsure of what to do now, “Maybe I could impale you on my horn?”

“That’s it!” Pinkie Pie said, “You just can’t empathize with me and my dire need for death! This calls for somepony so sensitive, they probably think about killing themselves every second of the day!” She galloped off for action...

Comments

[flutterboot]

Equestria Daily’s missin’ out on some gud stuf.

[Rockstar_Raccoon]

9215495
Yeah, Banned from Equestria Daily. :V