Pinkie Pie Wants To Die

by Rockstar_Raccoon

Fluttervore

“Fluttershy!” Pinkie Pie once again said in a disheartened tone, standing on the bridge in front of her friend’s cottage, “Rainbow Dash left me and doesn’t want to be lesbian-love-buddies anymore, so now I’m sad because I’m all alone, so I want to kill myself but I couldn’t do it when I tried on my own, and Twilight couldn’t do it either, so I need you to help me kill myself!”

Fluttershy shook her head, “Help you kill yourself? Oh no, I could never do that! I’m afraid I’m just not made for killing other ponies...”

“Fluttershy!” Pinkie Pie said, grabbing her by the shoulders and staring into her eyes, “Help me kill myself!”

“Oh... I guess I can do that...” Fluttershy gave in...

---

Fluttershy lead her out to a cave the edge of the Everfree forest, where she called out, “yoohoo, Hairy? I brought someone here for you...”

Fluttershy says “someone” instead of “somepony”, because she’s inclusive like that.

Fluttershy is a Cuck!

There was a little grunt from deep within the cave, and slowly but surely, a massive grizzly-bear lumbered out into the opening. It looked attentively at Fluttershy.

“This is Hairy.” she explained, “He’s a bear.”

“Wowie-zowie! Is he gonna help me kill myself?”

“Well... Yes.” Fluttershy said, “You see, Hairy is a carnivore, so he eats other animals... which includes ponies.” she fondly nuzzled the bear, “I bet if I asked him very nicely, he’d be happy to devour you right here and now...”

Pinkie Pie thought about the prospect for a moment, tapping a hoof to her chin, “Hmm... Sounds a bit iffy, but ok!” she bounced up and down cheerfully, “Be sure to ask him how I taste!”

“Alright then.” Fluttershy said with a little giggle, turning to Hairy “Now Hairy, remember how I had you eat those other ponies? Well, Pinkie Pie here doesn’t want to live anymore, so she came to me for help, and when I thought about it, I realized you’d be the perfect little assistant for this! So, how about eating Pinkie Pie here? Are you up to it?”

Pinkie Pie grinned and waved, eager to be eaten.

The bear looked at Fluttershy, then at Pinkie Pie, then back to Fluttershy, and shook his head.

Fluttershy blinked, “What? Why not? You enjoyed the other ponies I brought you so much!”

Hairy made a few gestures, trying to explain why he didn’t want to eat this pony.

Fluttershy watched, nodding slowly as she listened to him.

Pinkie Pie stared off into space wondering what it would be like if everypony lived on ceilings instead of floors, and what if all the rooms had Fancy Walls? And how yesterday she’d been talking to her sister, who would interview for a job as a teacher, show the ponies they need to show the foals where they’re going. That was a weird thing to think about, and made her wonder if she’d been Dropped as a Foal while her parents were Waiting for Coffee. (She also wondered if any of the readers would get the obscure 90s punk reference that the author was making through her thoughts. These weren’t even Dead Milkmen songs... Wow, obscure references? What a horrible fanfiction to be in! Good thing she was getting killed off soon...)

Fluttershy blinked, having understood what the bear was trying to tell her, “You’re saying you can’t eat her because you’ve decided to become a vegetarian and don’t eat ponies anymore?”

The bear nodded.

Fluttershy sighed, “Well Hairy, I’m very happy for you, and I respect your decision, but Pinkie Pie here is really counting on you to rip her to shreds and gobble her down. Couldn’t you just have one last serving of meat? Just for me?”

The bear crossed its arms, shaking its head.

“C’mon Hairy! I’ll even add the steak-sauce for you!” Pinkie said, pouring a bottle of A-1 on her head.

The bear blinked, wondering why a herbivorous pony would even HAVE steak sauce, but shook his head all the same: he was adamant in his personal decision, and even Fluttershy wasn’t going to get him to break the vow of Buddhist pacifism he’d now made.

“Just one teensy little nibble?”

“Yeah! C’mon Hairy! I’m sure I’m delicious!!”

Hairy just crossed his arms and shook his head.

“Oh dear... “

“C’mon Fluttershy! You TOLD me he’d be able to do me in real good!”

“Oh... But I can’t make him eat you if he doesn’t want to... Maybe I could get a swarm of rats to devour you?”

“Maybe I should just go ask somepony ELSE to help me kill myself!” With that, Pinkie bounced off to her next potential helper...

Author's Note:

Seriously though, he's a great songwriter, more people should listen to him. :V

Comments

[Rockstar_Raccoon]

8439040
This is like an episode of the show, straight outta Season 1. :V

[Rockstar_Raccoon]

8439091
This is the doc I'm posting from if you want to read ahead and comment. https://docs.google.com/document/d/16H45ANxACvriugAoSwYjeEUyN1X0ZAt4SGX8PfleFkY/edit?usp=sharing

I'm doing other things between chapter postings.

[Scarlet_Harmony]

Perfect! That's really all I can think to say right now due to me writing my own fics. Great story though! I love it!

[Topei]

Now Hairy, remember how I had you eat those other ponies?

I simultaniously want and don‘t want to know more.