• Member Since 26th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen Dec 20th, 2019

TheBronyaroundthecorner


An Australian brony with a knack for writing stories

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Source

Spike has had feelings for Rarity ever since he arrived in Ponyville. He can't stop thinking about her and wants to take action. This story is five years after his birthday.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 30 )

Ah, a Sweetie Belle tag. I'll give you some technical critiques.

First off, the formatting. Please separate each paragraph with a space. It makes it so much easier to read (I like to add an additional indent as well, but it's fine without an indent so long as there is a blank line between each paragraph.)

Secondly: Your paragraphs (especially the dialogue ones) are rather short. It makes the story feel very bare-bones and rushed. Try to flesh out the scene using attributions for dialogue to convey the feelings of the characters, or more detailed descriptions of the characters' expressions. A romance tends to work best when the feelings of at least one of the characters are accurately conveyed to the reader. If you can't understand the character and get into their head, then it is hard to be roped in by a romance. They way it is currently has us as readers assuming a fair amount about Spike and Rarity, so we don't really know how likely or unlikely this conversation is as it plays out, nor do we know how hard it is for them to say and choose the words they use.

Thirdly: Some minor things: Boldface generally isn't required for emphasis, you should just use italics. (Save for the moments when it already is in italics, then you can either switch to normal, or bold it). Same with capslock, you usually shouldn't use caps for emphasis or loudness. Italics and exclamations tend to suffice. And in that same vein, only use one exclamation point. If it's done well, the tone of the story should be able to convey just how loudly the character is yelling.

Fourth: The purpose of a first chapter is to establish the conflict and the characters. The first has been done, the second though... well I'd need to know more about these characters to want to keep reading the story.

I hope this critique helps in some manner,
~SilentBelle

Every time I tend to log off, I always see a fan fic that intrigues me, and this one has. The ending to this made me laugh happily, with Spike fainting in front of Rarity. Cliffhanger though! :flutterrage: I look forward to the next chapter, and see if Spike builds up the courage to ask Rarity out. :twilightblush:

3006022 it has, thanks for the feedback, ill make sure to fix it up and improve for the second chapter

3006022 Except Pinkie, because she owns the caps lock key when she's excited :pinkiehappy:

Can you finish this?

Oh cliffhangers how I love and hate them
Great first chapter :twilightsmile:

ill try to finish it but i can't rush it, you know, High school and everything:pinkiehappy:

Chapter 3 is going to be good. I can't wait :twilightsmile:

Can't wait to see what'll happen next! keep up the good work!

3010933 thanks, i try my best.
the next chapter is most likely going to be the finale.

Oh, my heart is pounding. Please Rarity, tell Spike that you do love him, love him. Don't let his little dragon heart be broken. :fluttershysad:

Please continue! This is getting good! :pinkiehappy:

I want an update right now. god I love sparity stories

Aww.... :twilightblush::heart::pinkiehappy::yay: Rarity finally admitted that she loves Spike! :yay: Awesome way to end this story! :rainbowkiss:

“Spike, wake up”

DAH! Dreamblocked.

“I need to confess to you my dear Spike, I’ve had ‘feelings’ for you for a while now, I didn’t look into it until yesterday and I realised I want to be with you Spike, with you…”

I was kinda expecting him to smack himself to confirm that it wasn't a dream as well as break a bit of the tension.

Also from Chapter 2:

As they were walking back, Twilight began to speak.
“Spike, you can take the day off tomorrow, you’ve been through alot today.”
“Thanks Twi, that sounds good to me, are you sure?”
Twilight looked at him with a soft smile. “Yes I’m sure.”

And now:

It took a couple of seconds to figure out that he was dreaming and let out a groan.
“Come on Spike you need to get up, there is a fair bit of chores that need completing and there is no time to waste!”. Twilight’s voice was beginning to sound annoyed.

:applejackconfused: Either he slept through an entire day or Twi is being a dick.

3087515 a bit of both:rainbowderp:

and I just noticed that. I was so caught up in the story that i forgot.

3087471 Thanks alot it means everything that people appreciate what I do. :pinkiehappy:

Great ending
Great read
Great story
I :heart: it :twilightsmile:

This is a very good story I am looking forward to the read the rest of it
keepup the good work
lucky clover

Well done geeat chapter!

Nice twist at the end, Twi/rty horn Raraty's always been kissin him from "Secret of my Excess"

4627585 Thanks, I really appreciate all the positive feedback!
:pinkiehappy::heart:

I like the finished short works, Hangin for an unfinished piece is such a pain in the ass.

Another story, Curse of the warepony, is nice , It would be good to see it finished, and at over 200,000 words it's a long read, (Heck of (a batch) of storys )

This was my first attempt at a SpikeXRarity story and I am sorry to say thank I couldn't enjoy it. When ever I think of Spike with Rarity I only get one image in my head.
img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110313213324/borderlands/images/d/d5/Pedobear.png

Needs work on your grammar, dialogue, and pacing. Seemed very rushed and not fleshed out enough. Aside from that I liked it, a lovely first story and given it was posted over two and a half years ago, I can only assume you've gotten better.

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