• Member Since 20th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago

ThePkmnChamp


Just someone who likes stories

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Sometime after she was saved from near death by her friends, Rarity accidentally discovers she can transform in her Nightmare form at will. Terrified, she hides herself away from everyone. But when a certain dragon checks on her, it will lead to something new being born between the two.

But there is something Spike has been hiding. Sure, it was possible he would have nightmares after what transpired on the moon, but there was something else he was having nightmares about. All it will take is the comfort of a newly crowned lavender Alicorn to finally fix things. Especially when said dragon is about to hit his first growth spurt.

Meanwhile, Sweetie Belle has been having a lot of trouble of her own. She seems to not even flinch at the two bullies words, she seems to be doing worse in school, and she's even seemingly pushing others who try to help her away. And this all started after Rarity was saved. Maybe her sister is what the young unicorn needs to get her back on track.

Credit to DANMAKUMAN, Eddiedodoman, & fluffikitten, all on deviantART, for all 3 pics.

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 32 )

You got me interested. I await for more. :pinkiesmile:

Can I read this without having read the comics and still understand?

3554721 I'd recommend reading the comics before you read this story. You can find video versions of it on YouTube.

ill be watching you sir

:twilightsmile::twilightsmile::twilightsmile::twilightsmile:

Concept wise, this is an amazing idea.

The writing, however is just okay.

You're simply too repetitive about certain things. You have Rarity say something and then think it as well quite a few times. Your overall word choice needs more variety. Easiest example being how many times you use new form. Transformation, change,alteration, metamorphosis, and a number of other choices should be sprinkled in to reduce making form sound so bland. To be honest, this doesn't read like English is your first language, and even if it was, you need to find a proofreader/editor who will clean it up and make it a lot smoother to read.

This has a lot of promise, and I hope you manage to achieve it, but at the moment it needs a decent bit of work.

3557895 Well I've been working on this for a few months now trying to get it to my liking. And English is indeed my first language. It's just I'm not as experienced a writer as many others and this is the first story I've written in a while since I just came back from a hiatus. As for the proofreader thing, I don't have one at the moment so I have to proofread it myself. And I used 'new form' a lot just to make sure people could be aware Rarity could change into Nightmare Rarity at will. I won't be as repetitive in later chapters. I appreciate the explanation and I know I messed up a little bit, but I'm just now getting back into writing so it will take me a while to get back in the groove of things. If you want to help with proofreading/editing, just ask. Heck, we could even make this a collab if you want.

3558039 It might be a matter of dialect and location then, the sentence structure just isn't what I'm used to in most English speakers.

As for the proofreader thing, I don't have one at the moment so I have to proofread it myself.

This is a mistake we all tend to make. You want someone to really point things out, make suggestions, and basically be a bit of an ass with the intent of making it a lot better. Thankfully, Fimfiction has a whole group just for finding folks willing to do that. :twilightsmile:

Could you do a part where Rarity turns into a Nightmare in order to defend Sweetie Belle from some Diamond Dogs?

3564263 I did have something like that planned for a future chapter.

This fic better have secret identities, crime fighting and/or funny reveals.

Great story, looking forward to more.:moustache:
3554721 You can read it here
Mlp Comics

Spike sold her out.

I was wondering when this would update, and it satisfied my hopes.

P.S. Sorry for the double post. My mouse has a rapid double click glitch.

I was wondering when this would update, and it satisfied my hopes.

Keep up the amazing work!

Why am I here?" asked a confused Rarity. She was wondering why she was here

This is what I mean by repetitive. There's no reason to have her say it , and then turn around and tell us in the narrative.

3628905 That one is explainable. I did most of this chapter late at night, so I was tired and was kind of out of it. I'll edit it real quick.

3628905 Okay, I fixed it. I know repetitiveness in stories is not a good thing and I do my damn best to prevent myself from doing so, but lately I've been stressed out over getting Christmas presents this year due to money issues that I have not gotten much rest and when I do work on my stories, like this one, I have a bad tendency to rush through it. I'm sorry if the repetitiveness gets to you, but I'm trying my best.

'Am I in Sweetie Belle's dream?' questioned Rarity silently. But then she remembered how the Nightmare forces were able to invade her and her friends' dreams. The fashionista came to the conclusion she could now enter other ponies dreams now.

'Am I in Sweetie Belle's dream?' Rarity remembered how the Nightmare forces were able to invade her and her friends' dreams, and came to the conclusion she now held the same power.

Shorter, cleaner, less use of the words dream and now. It is also entirely unnecessary and boring to end every piece of dialogue with said, lied, explained, etc character name. As long as the speaker is clear and there's nothing necessary to understand the context the dialogue is in you shouldn't use this pattern. When it is necessary, make it sound interesting.

"You aren't going ANYWHERE!" yelled Rarity in a menacing voice as she launched a huge blast of energy from her horn.

Menacingly, Rarity took aim and yelled, "You aren't going ANYWHERE!" as she launched a huge blast of energy from her horn.

You have a bad habit of starting sentences with characters names, it's fine from time to time but reading, "Rarity this. Rarity that. Rarity..." isn't compelling.

"You're welcome. So who were those ponies who left you for dead?" lied Rarity as she laid down next to her sister, even though she knew who those ponies were. Sweetie soon got a bit of an angry look on her face.

This isn't a lie, it's feigned ignorance, but it does make it sound like she's lying about being welcome . The last part should actually be the opening of your next paragraph eliminating the need to specify that Sweetie Belle is explaining

"You're welcome." Feigning ignorance to sell her story, Rarity asked, "So who were those ponies who left you for dead?" She laid down next to her sister, ready to listen.

Sweetie soon got a bit of an angry look on her face. "Those two..."

Finally, this is just a mess.

"...Yeah...I think so..." said Sweetie. Hey eyes seemed bloodshot from the crying, but Rarity didn't care right now. She wanted to help her sister feel better in any way possible. But right now, she couldn't do much since she had this funny feeling she didn't have the whole story and she didn't want to do to much until she knew everything.

"...Yeah...I think so..." Her eyes seemed bloodshot from the crying, and Rarity wanted nothing more than to help her sister feel better in any way possible. Still, she couldn't do that much thanks to this funny feeling that she didn't have the whole story, and she didn't want to act until she knew everything.

What you should really do is take all of this into consideration and go through and make some quick changes to the chapter; it'll greatly improve the flow and readability.

P.S. It should be noted that I'm making these edits while trying to stay in your style and word choice as mine is much different.

3629079 Thank you for the edits and I put them in as much as I could while staying in my writing style. And seeing as how I'm probably going to mess up again, would you mind proofreading the next chapter of this story when I get it written and make some edits like you did with this one? If you don't want to, I understand.

I'm afraid that I'm too busy to volunteer for editing duties too, but there are a variety of resources available:

Path of Cloud already recommended Looking for Editors.

There's also....
Proof Reading, Pre-Reading, and Editing
Editors-R-Us

I'd particularly recommend the second one, since they'll actually let you pick out an editor from a list of editors who are working a particular type of story and request to work with them.

However, when you request help, I'd suggest putting more than "Looking for an editor, Plz Help!" in the subject. Put a bit more in the way of detail in there, something to make yourself stand out. Like referring to the story being about Nightmare Sparity, or somethin' like that! :pinkiehappy:

I'm LOVING this story! :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy: When can we expect to see the next chapter?

So, any idea when the next chapter will be? I don't mean to sound rude, I'm just really enjoying this story so far. I understand if RL stuff is preventing you from further working on it.

This honestly one to the better stories I have read. For it explore a new concept that no one has yet to explore, well done.

I get the feeling that even though Twilight bought Spike's lie, she's gonna deduce that the Nightmare in Rarity is still there, and that Spike knows that Rarity has turned into her Nightmare form.

She's not gonna just come out and say "Rarity, did the Nightmare come back?" or something similar, but I know that somewhere, and I think somewhere relatively soon, the beans will be spilled. How? Because I think somehow, Sweetie Belle and Spike are gonna be entwined to the same dream for some reason, possibly during one of their sessions to control Nightmare Rarity.

What I think could possibly happen is that Sweetie Belle and Rarity (as Nightmarity) meet up once again in Sweetie's dreams, but this time Spike is there with her. No it's not gonna be something like Sweetie Belle crushing on Spike. The next day, Sweetie actually talks to Spike and Twilight and begins to ask them about dreams, specifically that instead of Princess Luna in them, it's Nightmarity. From this, Twilight mentions that Princess Luna job is to protect ponies' and fillies' dreams, but Spike accidentally mentions about how Nightmarity showed up in his dream w/Sweetie Belle and mentioned offhandly how it seems that Rarity is able to be in regular and Nightmare mode and is learning better how to control it through his help in the basement.

Oops....:twilightoops:

Of course the next questions would be: 1/How did Rarity know how to dreamwalk?; 2/How long has this been going on even after the battle with the Nightmare Forces?; and 3/What will Twilight react to the fact that Rarity can be Nightmare Rarity at will? Not to even mention how would Rarity react when she discovers that thanks to Spike, both Twilight and Sweetie Belle know about her newfound powers?

I gotta say I really love this story and the concept with Nightmare Rarity. I'll have to admit I don't know too much about Nightmare Rarity but I am really interested to see where this story will lead. I do hope this story is updated soon.:duck: Though I have to agree with DanvilleBengal on some points. I really hope you update this story soon. It's really good!:pinkiehappy:

ok im really eager to read more of this its a good fic :pinkiehappy::twilightsmile: keep up the good work

And here today on the dead story channel we are here to visit this long lost story.

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