Chapter 4
“I have no idea why I’m laying these traps, but it suddenly seems like a good idea, and it definitely distracts me from the diamond,” Spike said to himself.
“Why exactly did you have Spike lay traps in his cave?” Twilight asked.
Dash shrugged. “It buys us some time.” Twilight facehoofed again. Dash squinted. Had her forehead always been that dark a shade of purple? It was a few shades off from the rest of her coat.
After Dash’s latest edit to the story, the trail to Spike’s cave had been much easier to find.
“A rainbow, Dash? Really?” Dash nodded. Twilight’s eye twitched.
With the rainbow overhead, leading directly to Spike, the group was able to travel relatively quickly. They arrived at the cave within a half-hour. Fluttershy let out a squeak when she saw the sheer number of traps.
“Now what, Dash?” Twilight asked. Although normally she would be angry coming across yet another roadblock made by her friend, the traps seemed to be expertly made. That was just because of the story, right? She made a mental note to avoid irritating Spike for the next week, just in case.
“I write around this. Duh,” Dash replied, a smirk on her lips. She pulled out a piece of paper and her quill, reading aloud as she wrote:
The traps went away.
She blinked, expecting to hear a pop when she closed her eyes. No such sound occurred. She closed her eyes again. Something made a loud bang, and she opened her eyes. One of the traps with a board suspended overhead had fallen, setting off every other trap in a chain reaction. Darts and knives went whizzing across the entrance. A large hammer fell, smashing through a spike pit. A jet of fire blew in from the ceiling, igniting the whole mess.
“Huh.” Twilight’s head was spinning, trying to process what had just happened.
“Well, onward we go,” Dash said, indicating the still-smoldering mouth of the cave. “You’ve got a spell to put out the fire, right Twi?” Twilight nodded numbly. She extinguished the fire and Dash led the others on. Twilight stayed where she was. How did that constitute the traps going away?
Fluttershy apparently noticed the same thing. “Um, I don’t think that’s what Dash wrote.”
Pinkie Pie popped up behind her, causing her to jump. “Nah, the traps all took care of themselves. It was just a more fun and exciting way of getting rid of them. Everything is okie dokie lokie!”
Continuing onward, the group found it harder to see. The light from outside was fading, and the only light inside the cave was a single green flame. They stopped, Fluttershy squeaking again, as they saw a figure pass by the fire.
“Spike?” Twilight called out weakly. She hoped it was him. Her legs locked at the thought of the many other creatures it might be.
“Come on,” Dash said. Her voice cracked, and it sounded like it trembled slightly now.
As they approached, they could see a small purple figure pacing near the fire.
“Oh, what am I going to do?” Spike moaned. “I ruined everything…”
“Spike, what’s the matter?”
He jumped as he turned around, eyes bulging. “Oh…hi, girls. I was just…uh…” He scratched his head, trying to think of a good lie. No such inspiration came. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled.
“Spike, dear, why ever would you be sorry?” Rarity asked, approaching him. He recoiled, then lowered his head.
“Cause I stole the diamond and ran off for no real reason! I saw how big it was, and all I could think about was how excited it made Rarity, and how I wasn’t the one giving it to her. I got jealous. So I came here,” he gestured to the cave, “thinking if I disappeared for a while and returned with some fake story, I wouldn’t get in trouble, and I’d get Rarity to like me.”
“Oh, Spike,” Rarity said, putting a comforting hoof on his shoulder. “You don’t need to lie to impress me, or anypony else for that matter. You need to be yourself.” She smiled at him, and he raised his head to return the smile.
“Now how are we going to get this back?” Twilight asked. Dash smirked and started writing.
They all went home.
Once more, nothing happened. Dash frowned at the paper. “I don’t get it. This must be busted.”
“How many pieces of paper have you used, Dash?” Twilight asked.
“Eleven. I still have another one left.”
“I only put a spell on ten pieces of paper. You must have used all of them.” The girls all groaned. Spike just looked at Twilight as if she had two horns.
“Magic paper?”
Twilight laughed. “I’ll tell you all about it later.” She paused. “After we get out of this cave.”
One long walk later (although their path was still illuminated by a rainbow), everypony was back in town. Dash had been the first one back of course, although she had stayed within view of her friends. Next had been Pinkie Pie, with Fluttershy right behind. Twilight and Rarity had been the slowest, being the only ones capable of lifting the massive diamond, but things had gone a little bit quicker with Applejack there for moral support. Rarity seemed to cheer up more than Twilight, but AJ wrote that off to Twilight’s mood having been lifted by finding Spike.
Upon placing the diamond in the Carousel Boutique, Rarity ogled her new prize. Twilight just laid down, exhausted from carrying it. Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Dash gathered around her, also admiring the gem.
Rarity turned around, looking at her friends’ smiling faces. Even Twilight was now gathered, having caught her breath. But one familiar face was missing.
“Spike?” Rarity called, her grin now turning into a frown. He was huddled in the fetal position, staring at the floor beneath his feet. She called his name again, and he looked up. As he returned her worried gaze, he bit his lower lip. She sat down beside him.
“I’m sorry,” he said, looking away. “This was all my fault.”
Rarity looked at him. He was not going to forgive himself until she could prove she had forgiven the whole incident. After all, draconian instincts were hard to repress, especially for a child like himself. The fact that it had been part of Dash’s story further complicated the matter.
She looked around the boutique for some token of her forgiveness. Her friends now were also looking at Spike. Fluttershy went over to put her hoof on his shoulder, but he slumped and shrugged it off. What could possibly improve his mood? A dress would not do the trick, though that would be a lot of fun for Rarity. A hat? A scarf? She rummaged through her bin of raw materials. Of course!
Spike looked up when he heard the plink! of something hitting the floor. There was Rarity, standing over him with a hoof full of rubies. He raised an eyebrow. “I stole a gem from you, and you’re giving me more gems?”
“Well, it was hardly your fault, dear. It was part of Dash’s story on magic paper.”
His eyes widened. “Wait, what? Dash got ahold of the magic paper? Please tell me nothing burned down or was destroyed!”
Dash flapped her wings in annoyance. “Oh come on, just because I crash through the library window every now and again, that doesn’t mean that I’m destructive!” Everypony averted their gaze, thinking of at least one incident where Dash had destroyed personal property.
Spike rolled his eyes. “We have a supply of windows for the tree, just in case you crash through. By the way, the one we had to use the other day was our last one.”
“Whatever,” Dash muttered. She was still the best flier in Equestria. A few accidents now and then didn’t prove otherwise.
“I guess you’re feeling back to normal,” Twilight chuckled. “You’ve at least got your sarcasm back.”
Spike grinned sheepishly. “Yeah. I guess it does help to know Rarity’s not mad at me. It looks like things are back to normal.”
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ho boy, here we go. As promised I will now post my thoughts on the final two chapters, hope this helps you
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I will be starting from chapter 3:
The beginning of the chapter seems incongruent with the events happening in the chapter before it. Could use a smoother transition.
I really loved this part, pretty well thought out. If I should have written it myself I would have probably added a little segment
where dash contemplates the idea of using the paper to her advantage, instead of just having her come to the conclusion off screen(so to speak).
I also noticed how dash mentioned the paper further down, which kind of makes up for it, but i still think that an explanation should have been present the first time she uses the paper. regardless though it was a great plot device.
cept' he's not technically her brother... right?
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Dash grinned. “I have a plan to do just that, and be way cool at the same time.”
At this point I started getting really excited for the story, a shame you made the last two chapters so short really. If you do get around to rewriting it completely it could probably turn our really nice(although I suspect it would be more fun to leave mistakes in the past in order to explore future ventures)
chapter 4:
I love how dash completely disregards proper storywriting logic in the begginning of the chapter. It just seems like one of those things she would do.
i completely lost it at the part where the traps started splodin'. also what did rd write if it wasn't the "traps went away"?[spoiler/]
This part wasn't too cohesive could have used more explanation on what exactly she created. I assume that a giant stream of rainbow flowed over spikes trail but frankly even if it had been explained better I'm not sure how well it works within the confines of the story.
So to recap, the shortcomings I noticed had to do with: failing to properly convey what was in your head on to paper, incorperating plot devices that are not necessarily beneficial or furthering to the story, writing the story too short, you could have easily kept me interested for another couple of thousand words
and I'm guessing there were some grammar issues in there somewhere, but frankly I suck at finding those.
For a first try this was really good, I was impressed with how you took the critique and managed to implement it in the story, I know how hard that can be. I would like to thank you personally for letting me practice my reviewing skills, and for showing me some of the mistakes that I may make when I get around to trying this out myself
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If you found my reviews helpful it could be arranged to have me send you a pm with my opinions on your other stories if you ever write any(they tend to take up a lot of space in the comment section).
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First off, thank you for reviewing all of this. It is super helpful. If you want, you can join the team of people I will enlist to tell me everything wrong with this fic so I can improve it ~half a year from now, when I rewrite it.
Chapter 3 did get kind of a rough start. My mindset was that I had to get Dash to realize that she had the magic paper and I think I rushed the events starting the chapter in order to make that happen. Admittedly, a lot of it feels rushed now that I look back
Also, technically, Twilight and Spike aren't related, but they're like adopted siblings, so I count them as such.
Chapter 4....I'm not proud of Chapter 4. With the traps, you stumbled upon an abandoned plot point Originally, I was going to have Dash find that she had none of the magic papers, and actually Fluttershy had them. She would write the new Daring Do book after reading Dash's fic. The whole thing was inspired by The Many Secret Origins of Scootaloo.
As for your overall notes, yes, I would have to agree that it lacked sufficient explanation. The total writing time on this was probably ~25 hours, which really isn't a whole lot. Also, I slammed out this whole thing in a week. Mighty impressive, but I did sacrifice quality more than I expected. I would have liked to make it longer, but I dislike writing just to take up space/add words. I self-edited, so I definitely would benefit from someone to tell me what's brilliant, what's stupid, and what could be made brilliant.
Thanks once again for reviewing, I would like you to review my future works.
It was really easy to incorporate advice when you and thesecret1 gave me so much to work with!
Thank you for writing more
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Actually, the ideas in this continuity won't stop. I extended the storyline into a sequel one-shot, The Night Everything Changed and now, I might write a sequel to that. So, hopefully your enjoyment continues 
You're welcome!
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I heard about that. I haven't had the chance to watch either of the last two episodes. I actually completely forgot it would be on this morning.
I mulled over the possibility of rewriting this, so maybe I'll think more about it after seeing the episode. I don't plan on doing that anytime soon though.
Okay, so at least I know you can take some criticism. (By the way, this is a lot more fun to read in Digibrony's voice... just saying).
Not to be too mean, but Spike's conflict didn't have anything to it. I mean, he should be able to say "Rainbow got da magic paper and made me do things I wouldn't normally do" and write the whole thing off as an embarrassing blunder for Dash. Instead we get a weird Rari-Spike with no actual depth to their struggles. I'm not sure if you noticed but there was almost no mention of their inner feelings or descriptions of how their emotions shaped their expressions which leaves it kinda flat.
Also, the story was short enough that in the third chapter you didn't need to sum up the plot in one paragraph as the average reader should be able to connect the dots. Another problem I had was the haphazard way the magic paper was introduced. It left almost no time for the reader to accept its existence and relevance to the story and it almost felt like it was made up on the spot. The only reason why I saw "almost" is because in the short description of the story it says that the magic paper would exist. Why Twilight would be interested in making said paper is a mystery... (probably something to the effect of getting laid.)
That said, it was interesting to reminisce on how it was like when I first started writing fan fics. Hopefully I haven't permanently scarred you emotionally or mentally with my over critical critique.
Now may I be so bold as to ask a favor? You see, I want "Give em' An Inch" to be in Twilight's Library, but every time the incoming folder is unlocked I seem to be asleep and miss it. Would you be so kind as to recommend it for me?
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I realize that this story is not up to par with what I could write now (hence the urge to rewrite it), so I agree with all of your statements. It's probably not bad for a second story, but it's not my best work. It was written in a week, after all.
As for your story, we had the Incoming folder unlocked just a few days ago. It usually ends up unlocked at roughly 10pm or so in Eastern United States time, then gets locked within an hour. Just thought I'd include that for future reference. I'll take a look at your story, since technically the recommendation folders are for stories the admins and contributors would add that aren't on the list. I'm not expecting that to be an issue though.
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But... I'm sleeping when that happens.
Yes, it could be really great if you took your time with it. Still, not bad for a weeks worth of work.
Thank you for trying, I know it's silly, but it would mean a lot if something of mine got featured.
You my friend have inadvertently predicted the future with this title.