• Member Since 11th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen Last Thursday

ThatOneWriter


I dunno if I can be your favorite, but if you like my writing, that's pretty good in my book.

T
Source

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle are on the cusp of graduating. It's the night of their last dance, when everypony else plans to lose their virginity.

But Sweetie's not so sure she wants to do that.

Preread by Flint Sparks and Cerulean Voice.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 58 )

4725151
Thanks! Glad you liked it!

Just the way it should be. There's so much pressure to loose "the V card" I glad to see a story where the two ponies involved decided to wait untill their ready instead of bowing to peer-pressure :twilightsmile:.

4725166
Yeah. I was undecided whether I wanted to write this or a really awkward first time that isn't sexy at all. The awkward sex scene still sounded too saucy for my taste, so I wrote this.

(Also it allowed me to use a Katawa Shoujo reference) :rainbowlaugh:

That was very well done!

Well, you've done it. You've seriously done it. Again. Once more.

This is a ship that honestly, I don't see much of. Actually, this may be the very first fic of this pair I've read. Ever. And you pulled it off.

Scootaloo scooted toward her.

I don't know why, but this sentence caught my attention. Is it awkwardly worded? I don't think so... it just looked like Scootaloo scooted towards her scooter so she could scoot all over the place. With scooters and Scootaloo at the helm while the Belle tolls.

Peer pressure is a nice topic on covering, especially for this pair. They're obviously aged up, but from the memories you contrived here, such as the cutie marks and leaving school, I see this as another obstacle that they face while they face the same 'personality traits' they possess. I can easily see the CMCs getting pressured into losing their virginity, and that result might actually end up with them trying it with each other, just to get it over with. Cutie Mark Crusader Cherry Poppers? But you put these two in a ship, which added to that tension. They related to one another, as well as a case they've known about regarding those other two. In the end, it works. And somehow, I can believe that Babs is a bit of a bragger. It ended on a sweet note, just the way I'd see them tackling this situation.

You... you did it. Like promised, it's time for me to deliver my side. Well earned my friend. Hoping to see more. Especially lesbians. :raritywink:

...And enjoy those three notifications you just got too. Overdoing it much?

4725273
Thank you!

4725300

... it just looked like Scootaloo scooted towards her scooter so she could scoot all over the place. With scooters and Scootaloo at the helm while the Belle tolls.

lol

Thanks for the feedback! I'm really glad you liked it, and I'm very thankful for the follow :pinkiehappy:

4725302
Thank you!

Another shipping that I love, good job! :twilightsmile:

4725474
Thank you! People seem to really lacking in their daily dose of ScootaBelle :rainbowlaugh:

4725512 You're welcome! It was only when the other shippings started to spread their allegiance, next thing you know we have Sweetie Belle as a cowpony and Scootaloo intimate. :rainbowlaugh:

This was a nice story. It's a ship that I enjoy. It would be neat to see this struggle as part of a larger story, Scootaloo and Sweetie struggling together is generally fascinating to watch. So yeah, thanks for writing I enjoyed this.

4726282
I may write this pairing again. Who knows? I'm very inspiration-driven, which is just plain frustrating sometimes.

I'm glad you enjoyed reading this. Thanks for the comment!

Daaaawwww!!! :heart:

After reading so many heart-wrenching stories (like an idiot), this is a refreshing adorableness :3

4727278
Thank you! I certainly tried my best to make it enjoyable. Glad you liked it!

Adorable story, Amazing job :heart:

4727496
Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it :twilightsmile:

Scoots was the one to call it off? Wow did not see that coming. :rainbowhuh:

I feel sad for Silver Spoon, but she should have known that DT was a horrible pony.

Hmm, interesting. I have always wondered about this ship, but I've never been able to read any stories of it. However, this is indeed very different. Of course, the sex aspect is a little iffy, but it seems to serve a point in the story to truly bring Scootaloo and Sweetie together.

Also, I haven't read the story yet. How'd I do? :rainbowwild:

This is just from the description. Onward to reading!

But is that want?

My brain just keeps trying to come up with a situation where this would actually kind of make sense. :pinkiecrazy:

Okay, okay, I'm teasing. It was a nice short read.

4728017
I'm tricky like that :rainbowlaugh: And yeah, she should have seen that coming. Sometimes I make Diamond nice, but not this time.

4728167
I'd say that that's a pretty accurate assessment. I'm curious about what you thought about it after reading. You don't appear to have downvoted, so that's good, I guess. :rainbowlaugh:

4728407
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it. :scootangel:

4728851
I hadn't read it until know. But anyway, this was pretty good, though it was honestly a little short, shorter than it needed to be. There are times when a story should be short for the sake of not drowning the reader in useless information instead of getting to the point, the core of the story. You started off well with this.

Instead of starting before all of this, you went straight to the confrontation. It was a good move. And it was even better that Sweetie left after Scootaloo made her move. However, the lead up to Scoots making her move was rather . . . sloppy. Just like their kiss. To begin with, you never said that Sweetie was putting out whatsoever. At first, that's what I thought. I thought Scootaloo was doing all the work while Sweetie just sat there. And the fact that that entire scene was describe in a paragraph and without any introspection from Sweetie made everything feel rushed, and it also left me confused, above all else.

Anyway, the scene with Sweetie in the bathroom was rather perfect. It had sufficient time to allow Sweetie to think out the situation before she was able to come to a decision. And then, you turned the tables with Scootaloo not wanting to have sex after Sweetie spent all that time thinking about it. It was rather interesting.

But while the ending was great, it just didn't feel as great because it still felt rushed in the end. It felt like the conclusion came too fast because the whole problem of sex was hardly shown besides one paragraph. If you had gone in and maybe lengthened the scene with Sweetie's thoughts leading up to Scootaloo touching her cutie Mark, it would have balanced out the story overall.

But that's my view on this. I still liked the story. Liked and faved.

4728912
No, I completely agree. I also thought it felt rushed at the beginning, but I wasn't really sure what I could do about that. I might go back in and try to add a bit more of Sweetie Belle's perspective there, or I might not. It'll depend on where I end up submitting it.

I feel a bit stunned and relieved that you liked most of the rest of the story though. I mean, I'm always worried about the quality of my stories that don't hit 2k words. Judging by feedback, I guess that was a pretty pointless concern.

Thank you so much for the feedback, the fave, the like, and the follow!

4727391 No problem! Keep up the great work! =D

4728851
You're welcome.

P.S. - I see you chose to leave "But is that want?" in the story. Is that how it's supposed to go?
EXPLAIN!! EXPLAIN!!!
geeky-gadgets.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/dalek.jpg

4729309
Sorry, I had no idea what you were quoting. It's fixed now. Dunno how that managed to get overlooked by all of us.

Beautiful story about peer pressure and growing up.
I particularly liked Scoots comparison of their Cutie Mark struggle with their decision to share their first time. "Its a race to grow up" Yes it is, and there is no reason to race. So take your time, pace yourself, and enjoy the moment. Just like Twilight said to AJ and RD.
Others are better at analysis, all I know is that I liked it.

4730325
Thank you for your feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed my story and that it had some personal meaning to you :scootangel:

Wow, I expected comedic clop and I get commentary on young women wanting to grow up too fast? That, sir, surprised me and intrigued me. Plus it's fairly well-written, awkward in the right way -- the details you describe and how you describe them remind me of what I've heard descriptions people's first-times (or near first-times) can be like.

Kudos :eeyup:

So I can't keep my fingers crossed for a clop sequel?

4732129
Thank you! It sounds like everything I tried to do hit all the right notes for you. I'm really glad you liked my little story :yay:

4732328
Maybe? I mean, I don't write clop, but if someone wants to write that, I'm not gonna stop them.

I read this expecting mindless clop, but it was so much more. The feelings were so real. I almost cried. Like + fav

4733918
Awe! Glad you liked it! Sorry for almost making you cry :twilightblush:

what is Katawa Shoujo? Btw, this was a sweet fic. Nicely done.

4735765
It's a visual novel that a bunch of people from 4chan made. Surprisingly, it's pretty good. Unsurprisingly, it has pointless sex. It's pretty popular, so I thought more people would get the reference. Guess not.

Thanks for reading!

4735842

You're welcome. I'll have to try looking it up one of these days.

Hmm...I liked it. It was cute. But I want it to be more fleshed out. As a moment story, it's nice. But I think it'd be better if it was longer and gave more time for the emotional weight of the decision at hand...er, hoof.

4737111
Personally, I would have liked to have made this closer to two thousand words. Unfortunately, the brevity of it is just how it turned out. As much as I'd like to stretch it out, I'm not quite sure how I would have done so without diluting the impact of it. I've got nothing to add to Sweetie's internal dialogue, and the end is pretty straightforward. About all I could do would be to take Timelord's advice and add a bit more to the intro, which was shorter than I'd have liked.

Thank you for the feedback though! Glad you liked it, even if you didn't love it.

4737859 Haha I have pretty steep expectations for loving something. For me it has to be a fully emotionally powerful story or so amazingly gripping/absurdly funny that there's almost nothing on this site that I'll freely admit to loving (there are a few). Not saying I'm personally that good of an author, but honestly, I love to read.

I get that sometimes there's no way to expand the word count and make it seem as good (trust me, I know), so don't worry about that.

This is a breath of fresh air for society today. Excellent story.

4773536
Thank you! Sad as it is, I knew that writing the story the way that I did would be a unique thing. I actually didn't think people would like it, sex-focused as our culture is today. It was a pleasant surprise when this got such a positive response. Guess there's still a bit of hope, eh? :raritywink:

Courtesy of: The Writing Lab.

First 500 word review: Growing up

- - -

¶1 Your opening line leave us ungrounded, and confused as to where we are and what’s going on.
“The door shut behind Sweetie Belle with a click.”
Who shut the door? Is that supposed to be ominous, or comforting?

¶2 The second paragraph is a thinly disguised info dump. Jerking us from the closing door to reminiscing about the past week.

¶3 is weak and passive. Don’t use two words where one will work. Strong verbs make for strong prose.
///
Scootaloo slid onto the couch with a slow and deliberate grace. Patting the cushion next to her, she waited for Sweetie Belle to sit next to her. The wright and warmth or Sweetie’s presence made her wing twitch. “So,” she said, fidgeting to get comfortable again.
///
This paragraph also is in Scootaloo’s POV, while the first two were in Sweetie’s. There’s is nothing wrong with hopping POV, but you must be clear about it, and avoid doing it too quickly. Be aware of your POV and move it intentionally

¶4 POV is back to Sweetie. Solid work here. Only comment is that “Her eyes darted away.” feels a bit out of place. Would have probably melded that into one of the neighboring sentences.

¶5&6 POV still at Sweetie. Using pronouns helps make the POV more subversive. Using the POV’s full name when they are the object, breaks the POV.
“Scootaloo scooted toward her. “My parents will be gone all night,” she whispered, breathing softly in Sweetie Belle’s ear”
Insted
“Scootaloo scooted toward her. “My parents will be gone all night,” she whispered, breathing softly in her ear”

“Her face heated up.” That’s a very “tell” sentence. Just kinda floating there without any context. Anchor it to an action. “Her face burned as she watched Scootaloo lean in again for another kiss. This time...”

¶7 Nebulous POV, kinda Scoots, kinda Sweetie, kinda the tongue. Watch your tense, you float between past and present. Keep it past. Unless you’re doing a present tense fic, but that’s a horse of a different color.

¶8 POV back to Sweetie.
Show, don’t tell. http://www.wright.edu/~david.wilson/eng3830/creativewriting101.pdf
Avoid pronouns as subjects, when the character in question is not the POV.
“Her marefriend looked up at her, eyebrows raised and head tilted.”
OR
“Scootaloo looked up at her, eyebrows raised and head tilted.”

¶9 Dialogue attribution is a bit murky here. Here’s my take on the paragraph. fixing the attribution, and making it a bit more “show”.
“S—sorry,” she said before bolting to the bathroom before Scootaloo could object. Shaking hooves locked the door. Pressing her back against the door, she sank to the floor.

¶10 Solid here. Would have gone with “Standing” over “She stood” Again, never use two words where one will do.

¶11
“She turned on the faucet and splashed water on her face a few times before letting the sink fill up”
V.S.
“Turning on the faucet, she splashed water on her face a few times before letting the sink fill up.”

I’m a big fan of starting off sentence with -ing verbs.
Past that, good writing.

¶12 not much to say here. Good work.

¶13 Too many commas, but I have a comma problem too. Good past that. It always good to get an editor that good with advanced punctuation.

This is my first time reading a clopfic!!! Not bad :raritywink:

4819707
Er... clopfic? I'm not sure I'd classify it in that category. Nothing too saucy happens, and it's only Teen rated. That was actually my biggest concern, since it does seem like a cloppy premise. I couldn't really de-sex it without losing the conflict.

Nuanced gripe aside, I'm glad you liked it.

This was very sweet and enjoyable. Good job! :pinkiesmile:

5010694
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it. :twilightsmile:

5011145

You're welcome. :twilightsmile:

Scootabloom is my drug.
And I enjoyed this little fic very much.
I WILL STALK YOU. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

5344959
So I'm being stalked now? Well, that explains why I felt like I was being followed while I was walking earlier. :rainbowwild:

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