• Member Since 25th May, 2013
  • offline last seen Aug 31st, 2013

The reader 0_0



T

Deep in the Equestira sea. In a leaking submarine a magic less Twilight and a wounded Rainbow dash waiting until their deaths. They shared memories together how they first met and other moments.

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 45 )
Comment posted by Twilight Best Pony deleted Aug 2nd, 2013

they were attacked by a sea creature trying to prevent them from ever finding the item Rainbow had managed to wound it and drive it away, but had been wounded gravely in the process...(...)... Celestia require the best unicorn at magic and the fastest Pegasus to power the sub. The others couldn't come because its a two pony min sub.

That's the best explanation ever!! But very illogical though. And the thing with the door, why did it have to be magically sealed in a sub? It's a infringement of the safety regulation: if the unicorn is dead or unconscious the pegasus is stuck (you can't anticipate an heart attack). Seriously, if you want to write this kind of scene then provide a good explanation before of why they are in this situation.

2981585 Thanks for the heads up

Its not a one-shot? :rainbowderp: Now I have to wait for more. :facehoof:

Thanks for the favorite and yeah it's not a oneshot

This is adorable! Keep going you're really good at this ^^

If they die...
There should be a Tradgedy tag.:ajbemused:
Otherwise...
I love it!

Kinda rushed?
Dude... Have you ever heard of a Bike without breaks?
Its a good way to think when you write.
But otherwise....
Yeah, its all guud :twilightsmile:

I choose to believe that the reason there are multiple decks on a two pony mini-sub is because the sub has a crew of thirty chipmunks, yet only has enough room for two ponies.

2991947
And the escape pods are about watermelon size, so they can fit roughly two to three chipmunks at a time while Rainbow Dash fights off the sea monsters underwater.

It's like one of those min subs. only two can fit in like what that used when they study the ocean or whatever

2991956 Okay, so why does it have multiple decks?

Comment posted by The reader 0_0 deleted Aug 5th, 2013

2992004 I mean to say not an expert

2992010 Well, I can't exactly say I am either. I still think my chipmunk theory is better.

Comment posted by Raiinification deleted Aug 6th, 2013

I am going to venture a guess and say your first language is not English either way get it cleaned up and you could have a decent story going on but, other wise its kinda blaaa to read.

3009544 ima fix the words up. So you like the story or no?

I admit I was confuse for a bit, but as I read I understood it this is a great story so far and I'm loving it, maybe work on you're English and fix up some parts and this will be an even more awesome story ;3 I really like it

This is too cute for me...
:rainbowkiss:

Because you Favorited my story, I thought I might help you with your stories.
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Rainbow took another deep breath; it was now, or never. “Um, Twilight,” she began. She began to sweat, her heart almost about to explode. “I kinda sorta lied to you about the whole ‘new trick’ thing.”

her heart almost about to explode. You would only need one of "almost about" in there.
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In an instant, Twilight’s smile disappeared from her face. “Wait, what?” she said, a slight hint of irritation in her voice, “so I came all the way here, thinking that I was about to help a good friend when I should be organizing the library, and all of the sudden, she tells me that it was all a lie? Well then, why am I here?” She scowled at the Pegasus.
Rainbow rubbed the back of her head with her hoof. So far, things were not going as smoothly as she hoped. “Well uh, you see…” she said, trying to find the right words.
“What?” asked Twilight.

Twilight would not get angry like that so fast, if rainbow refused to tell twilight what the problem was and she really wanted to know, then she would be angry like that... probably. XD

Hope there':pinkiehappy:s more

okay i'd say overall not to bad some proofread needed but not to bad that last chapter with the cave made no scence....was it a dream? nothing to really suggest it

Nothing Bad going to happen
Yeah right

Comment posted by TomTheHunkyDiamond deleted Aug 16th, 2013

Oh, you deleted my comment. Classy.

This is a test. I am testing you.

Your story needs some serious work. It's almost impossible to read due to all the writing errors that plague it. Every kind of erroneous action that could have been done in a single story... is present in this one. I am sorry. You really need an editor, and the fact that you turned Tom away and deleted his attempt to help you has just crushed all thoughts that you were a decent person.

After reading this through and leaving a rather vague comment above, I feel I should leave a comment giving a reasonable critique of what you have so far. In short, this could do with some serious work.

The grammar itself is rather atrocious. Most of what I've seen has either been a sentence fragment or a run-on sentence or frankly makes little sense grammatically. While it appears as if you've been trying to improve, this stands out the most in the second chapter. For example:

Twilight saw no other option. “That's it you ask for it! He was about to launched himself at Rainbow. Time move slow. “What to do what to do” Twilight rubbed her head than a idea came up. An instant Twilight grabbed Rainbow and teleported them out the bar and into the her bedroom in the oak tree.

This paragraph in particular has quite a few issues, the most glaring (and most famous) I want to highlight is "Time move slow". There are also numerous tense issues, agreement errors, missing quotation marks, and extra uses of the word 'the'. I understand Tom has already attempted to present an 'edited' version of this, but you deleted the comment with the link. Cleaned up, this paragraph should instead look something like:

Twilight saw no other option. "That's it, you asked for it!" The stallion shouted as he prepared to launch himself at Rainbow. Time seemed to slow down around her as Twilight rubbed her head, grinning as an idea popped in her head. In an instant Twilight grabbed Rainbow cast her teleporation spell, taking them out of the bar and into her bedroom at the oak tree.

Even then, there are issues with the flow and the logic behind this paragraph itself. In the context from which this paragraph was taken, Twilight wasn't doing anything besides just watching a drunk Rainbow shout at a drunk, horny stallion. What option did Twilight see? There's a lot happening in such short installments. You aren't giving readers enough time to process new information before something else is happening that overall impacts the flow of the story negatively. I'm not saying you need 10k chapters, just that you need to slow down and work on describing what's happening at a slower pace to give readers a chance to take things in. These kinds of problems are found in abundance throughout the story, and I would highly recommend you find an editor/proofreader. I can understand if English isn't your first language or if you are still learning. If that's the case I would recommend finding a couple of people willing to preread your writing before you publish it.

I also noticed your author's note at the end of Chapter 2. Don't rush things. Writing, especially when it comes to fanfiction, I would assume is a hobby. Thus, take your time and enjoy it. Don't try to push something through if you think or if you know it isn't as good as it could be. Trust me, I'm speaking from experience here. If something feels rushed or incomplete, go back to it later and try to fix it. Again, a proofreader/editor can tell you if something sounds off (and don't ask them to rewrite it for you, that's not their job, it's yours).

“No you’re not. I can definitely tell that you are upset with me. Tell me, are you?” asked Twilight.
“ALRIGHT TWILIGHT, YOU WANNA KNOW IF I'M UPSET WIH YOU... YES I AM!” shouted Rainbow Dash.
Twilight had no words to say so she just hung her head down in shame for almost killing her friend out of anger.
Rainbow Dash took a deep breath and calmed down. She looked up to face Twilight and spoke.
“I'm sorry Twilight. You just made me mad,” said Rainbow, consoling her distressed friend.

I can understand with Rainbow maybe snapping at Twilight for something, but again, with how quickly you seem to be making things happen this just feels choppy and sloppy. I know there's the temptation to type in ALL CAPS when a character is shouting in dialogue, but I would suggest avoiding it. Through description, adjectives, and our friend the exclamation mark, you can convey that Rainbow Dash is angry/snapping at Twilight much more effectively. I must also point out that here (and in other places throughout the fic), Rainbow or Twilight, depending on the situation, shift from being out-right furious to apologetic. This makes Rainbow/Twilight come off as slightly bipolar. If you're gonna have them move from angry to apologetic for being angry, you need to take time to make that transition. Be it through more dialogue, a glimpse into said pony's thoughts, or descriptions of their body language (i.e. tense, nostrils flaring to the dawning that they just snapped at their best friend).

And again, the grammar issues are paramount throughout. Proper capitalization of nouns needs to be fixed. For example, you capitalize "pegasus" several times. I must stress that Pegasus refers to the winged horse from Greek mythology, while pegasus with a lower-case 'p' refers to the species in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Prof. Yana commented on these issues regarding grammar and syntax on your other fic, "Drowned." Take into consideration what he's said there and apply it here as well.

A few other things I noticed were some logistic errors throughout. As Tom and I commented on previously, the logic behind the submarine and their entire situation is flawed at best. A two-pony mini-submarine implies that it is small, perhaps run by a small generation that is manually operated by Rainbow or through Twilight's magic. It would also imply that it would be one or two rooms at most, with little wiggle room. Yet you describe it as having multiple decks and escape pods, which suggests it could fit and entire crew in it. Then comes the fact that somehow, miles under the surface of the ocean, Rainbow battled giant sea monsters in the water and was injured while fighting. How does Rainbow fight them off when she would be stuck in the submarine with Twilight? Logically, this makes no sense. This is but one example. Another I noticed was in your latest chapter regarding the first date. You seem to suggest that Rainbow confided in Twilight and they both agreed to go to a restaurant in Canterlot together. Then, Twilight denies a nuzzle from Rainbow because Rainbow refuses to tell her where they're going. I assumed you meant the specific restaurant they were going to (Pony Joe's or some high-class joint), but then Rainbow leaves it as just a restaurant. This is confusing to read and to understand. In other words, it needs clarification.

Finally, and I know it may sound petty, but you have to keep an eye on how you refer to a pony's anatomy here.

“Nope you don't tell me. she crossed her arms. You don't get to nuzzle me.”

Last I checked, ponies don't have arms. The have forelegs though :derpytongue2:

Please don't take any of this as an attack on your person. This wasn't meant to be offensive or to bash your story. I am simply trying to give you constructive criticism to help improve your writing in the future.

From one writer to another, I'm just trying to give some advice on how to improve :twilightsmile:

EDIT: Don't take this the wrong way, I just found it to be incredibly amusing. You should take "time move slow" to heart, you're writing at the moment is too "time move fast." Again, for such short chapters things are happening way too quickly. And again, this is just meant to be constructive criticism.

Delete the chapter where you apologies, you already pass that on and ruin the pacing of the story

Did you even take anything I outlined in my previous comment to heart? Or did you just see the long comment, skim over it, and then ignore all of it? Or maybe you just don't care?

I have tried to give you solid advice, and after you told me you'd think on what I said and work on improving what you have, you do this. Just based on the chapter title alone, I'm pissed. "I have a planned"? Really? Motherfucking really? Stop. Just stop. The quality of this grammatically and after all the advice that myself and others have given you suggests that you aren't putting any thought or any effort into any of this. You just don't seem to care about what you put out here to make it at least readable. I also notice that after Prof. Yana generously offered his editing services for Drowned, you uploaded a completely different chapter the moment you sent him a different one to edit.

To quote bats: "this guy doesn't need an editor, he needs a nun with a ruler"

I was going to be kind about my opinion of this until I saw how you responded to attempted help.

This story is utter bullshit.

I could rant about how poorly it is written on multiple levels, but I will merely leave this with one recommendation.

Delete every chapter, sentence and word. Rewrite this from scratch, and do it with someone who knows grammar. Better yet, leave this story dead in the water.

I....i. LOVED IT the only reson being your name is the reader and i am the reader and by my standerds this passed the mods non of my story's do so good luck me/ you/what ever

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